My Living Will (of sorts)

If I come to the end of my life and am hooked to machines and it is determined that my liver is still donatable - keep me plugged in and pour a martini into the IV bag until it isn't.

Almond Joy Martini

One of the Flakes/Lucilles told me about this
Almond Joy Martini

Swirl or shake 1 oz. each of coconut-flavored rum (Parrot Bay or Malibu), Frangelico, Godiva or other chocolate-flavored liqueur, Hershey's chocolate syrup, and vodka. Add 4 oz. half and half or light cream, shake with ice, then strain into a chilled glass. Garnish with shredded coconut.

http://www.slashfood.com/2006/06/28/almond-joy-martini/

One martini is ok, two is too many, three is not enough!

Sock Monkeys from the Inner Circles of Crazy

http://novogate.com/board/5148/index.php

Go here. I dare you. The folks on this site were described on BannedCamp as "direct descendants from the inner circles of crazy" and they ain't kiddin. I sweartogod you think I'M weird? These folks have actually made RULES on their message board that you cannot have a human avatar, and you have to assume the persona of the sock monkey you represent when you post. Read ONE thread - I dare you. Don't we have laws about these people being dangers to themselves or others? I can't make this $hi+ up.

Antfarm

First of all, I am craving something chicken fried, and I would really like to eat about 1/2 of a chocolate cake just off the platter with a fork and no plate right now -- I am starving and I don't know why.

Alrighty, so. I was thinking a little over the past couple of days about the proximity of our campus to the central office since we are on the same plot of land and I know exactly what it is akin to...an effing antfarm. They sit over in the Big House and come look and stare and ogle every so often to make sure all their little workers are still diggin away deeper and deeper purely for their amusement.

Oh, and I met my goal weight for this week -- 5 more weeks to go!

Also - MyPoolBoy and I watched "Family Stone" tonight and I got inspired by a few pretty funny one-liners: "She needed another broom," "he ran away and joined a better circus - one with fewer clowns," and "girl, you've got a freak flag, you just ain't wavin' it"

And caca- I discovered a wrinkle across my forehead that I never noticed before, but since MyPoolBoy and I cut my hair before new years eve, I have been wearing my now-longer bangs brushed to the side and I can actually SEE my forehead. Man, I'm gonna have to really do some serious moisturizing now!

I think I need to find all the groovy martini flavor recipes that I can - one of the Lucilles told me that she and her sister had one called an Almond Joy martini somewhere over the holiday and that it had swirls of brown & white in it and tasted really yum! Add that to my gingerbread martini recipe and I've got a bit of a start. Ok that's it I'm starting a new label category just for martini recipes!

Storage

Ok, so I guess this blog is turning into storage for all the insane stuff I find written on message boards.


Getting old is so hard at times.

Yesterday I got Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip.

NOW, I talk like an a$$hole .. . but my gums don't itch!

Here's another:
This is a den of iniquity ... and I am the Den Mother!

Fat. Again. Seriously.

Back up to the starting weight! - I knew this would happen. Gonna get back on the slimfast routine like I did 5 years ago and exercise WILL happen. I'm miserable.

Ok, now here are some signature quotes that I found over on Banned Camp that completely cracked me up.

It's not rocket surgery.

Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have.

Men date thin girls because they're too weak to argue and salads are cheap.

If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

Inside me lies a skinny woman crying to get out - but I can usually shut her up with cookies.

You know, sometimes I get the urge to just jump up and run around naked, but then I just drink some Windex.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

It's not the drinking, but the getting naked and passing out that gets you in trouble.

Play like your couch is on fire.

Men are like linoleum floors - lay one right and you can walk all over it for years.

I want it all - and I want it delivered by cute naked men!

Oh - and I think I am going to go back and change all my references to RalphKramden to hereby be MyPoolBoy. I've softened a little since he and I had a big knock-down drag-out a couple of days ago.

And btw I cut my hair right before New Year's and it is so much easier. I left the bangs long and cut it to about that same length. And on New Year's Eve I discovered it was "party hair" meaning that I can flip it around dancing or being my typical drunk WTP self and just run my fingers through it and come up with the same style again! Also treated myself to some new makeup and tossed some old stuff that wasn't quite right - simplify simplify simplify.

Still need to put up Christmas decorations before I go back to work tomorrow (ugh).

So this one time at Banned Camp...

So, I've been spending a LOT of time over on this message board of Ex-Taters (gang that was apparently kicked off of the SPQ MBOL some time back). Anyhoo -- they are cracking my A$$ up on a minute-by-minute basis and I am addicted and I have decided to win the lottery and never go to work again because of the $hi+ they say on there!

One quote that I love in the signatures is something to the effect of "some people are like slinkies: they are pretty worthless, but they are good for a laugh if you push them down a flight of stairs!"

LMAO

Yup, over half - and the picture has a tiara, too!

You Are 51% Bitchy

Generally, you're an average woman, with average moods. But sometimes... well, watch out! Sometimes, you let your mean side get the better of you. And you enjoy every minute of it.

How Bitchy Are You?

Rabbit Terrorism and the Ultimate Password

Ok, we were out sitting by the chiminera Sunday and Donnycat was being a complete a$$hole to the rabbit...he was climbing in the tree behind the hutch and then jumping down onto the roof of the hutch and looking down in the cage to see if the rabbit was looking. He did it about 4-5 times so I don't think it was accidental.

Last night the Simpsons inspired me with the ULTIMATE PASSWORD: "LetMeInYouIdiot"

Working on getting Christmas stuff done - we are having dinner and presents with Thunderduck and MyPoolBoys's mother on the 21st because Thunderduck has to go back to work on the 22nd. All I have left are 3 gifts for my sister, sister-in-law, and mom plus a gift certificate for my brother's family to Chuck E Cheese or something; get a few more stamps and mail the last of the cards, mail the package to my mother and brother, wrap teacher gifts, bake (dough is already made in fridge!), and cook the dinner (turkey is at least thawing in the fridge).

I have been putting off and putting off making fruitcake this year and I finally figured out that it was because it was my grandmother's thing every year. I laid out all the stuff for it this morning -- I'll probably drink and get it done this afternoon or tonight.

Chirstmas Party

Don't let a drunk woman get near the name tags and the Sharpies.

Smooth Criminal

So, I got on Rum&Monkey and messed around with the widget for which evil criminal in history I would be (Rum&Monkey - blog about crap, pollute the internet HAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
And I am deliriously happy to find that I am the lord of all evil criminals pretty much!


Which Evil Criminal are You?
A Rum and Monkey crime.

Back to Fitday

I decided to get back to tracking my calories and stuff on FitDay.Com because when I did it 3-4 years ago, I actually lost like 20 pounds and was down to a size 6-8. I think I have to have it in front of my face -- I also need to step up what exercise I am doing -- some is better than none, but I'm not burning enough calories, I don't guess. Still at the same weight this a.m. and it is pissing me off because I have FAITHFULLY worked out for 2 weeks (I even worked out the morning that I was sick and only missed the 2 days after that when I was sleeping stuck in bed). I've almost totally cut out my Dr. Pepper (like 1-2 per week) and am using a lot of restraint when it comes to snacks/sweets. So, the body clutter menu mailer worked for a few weeks but I've hit a wall and I need to really look at how to limit my calorie intake so that the weight will start dropping again.

A MySpace Surprise

RICK SPRINGFIELD ADDED ME!
RICK SPRINGFIELD ADDED ME!
RICK SPRINGFIELD ADDED ME!

Yahoo Avatar & tequila

I found out how to post my yahoo avatar onto my blog. It is so funny cuz I had to go to the Wedding section to find a tiara and the Gay & Lesbian section to find the feather boa... further confirming the identification as a female drag queen. It comletely grossed out Lurch.
I don't mind...I've had 3 SPQ margaritas tonight and Rick is blasting loud enough that MyPoolBoy came and shut my door.

God I love tequila.

My Nursery Rhyme

There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad........

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.



Oh H3LL yes! Work it sister! I think that in light of my affinity for tiaras and feather boas and my recent identification with Killer Queen that I may have to resolve within myself to be what the SPQ calls "a female drag queen."

There are worse things I could do...

I hear that Stockard Channing song from "Grease" when I think this phrase, but here's my thought for the day. I have this plaque given to me at the PeytonPlace High School soccer team's awards banquet last year (along with a gift certificate to R Bar - do they know me or what?). Anyway, the plaque says "PeytonPlace Packmules Loudest Fan" - which I think is not the worst thing to be -- I could be "the Loudest person in the Library" or the "Loudest person at Church" That would suck. No. I think it's fine to be a loud fan. Anyway, I got to thinking about it because we had a parent meeting last night and the coach said something about all the other parents being hard pressed to out cheer me!

Oh, and you know my LOW student who was moving? Guess who showed up for the benchmark yesterday and made a whopping 33?

Anyway, there it is -- as I sit here listening to my latest new theme song: "Killer Queen" by Queen. It cracks me up.

Is it PMS week?

Up again - I knew the loss was just a stomach virus fluke!

TAKS reading benchmarks today - UGH! But I am hopeful since my lowest (supposed to have failed 2nd grade) student supposedly moved Friday (no official word, but she wasn't here yesterday) - anyway without her, all my kids have a shot at actually PASSING the release test. I am freakishly relaxed about it.

Ok, gotta go and get ready to work out.

No vodka involved

MyPoolBoy and Lurch and I were sitting watching the game prior to Chunk's on Saturday and I noticed that one group of the little cheerleaders sadly had 2 moms out on the track WITH them doing the cheers along with them. Now as I watched, the girls didn't NEED them to watch for cues or anything so I said the first thing that popped in my head. I leaned to MyPoolBoy and Lurch and said "check out Verna Heath and Wanda Holloway out there" We had to explain it to Lurch but MyPoolBoy made the comment that I didn't even have vodka involved to spew forth from them mouth that time!

Oh well.... it was good for a laugh.

bwi

Blogging while intoxicated.

Friday night - big county-wide rivalry football game going on down the street. MyPoolBoy is having to help work the game. I'm having appletinis and trying to decide if I want to get off my a$$ and do the house cleaning that I slept too late to do this a.m.

OH I almost forgot -- My weight was down THIS AFTERNOON! I am eating right even after the bout with the stomach bug and not being able to work out Tue & Wed. I think I'm not drinking enough water, though...it has been a crazy week trying to catch up with everything. Ok, anyway.

Thunderduck called us last night and said he was in class and was about to talk to his professor to get to leave because TrainWreck sliced his finger open with a knife while washing dishes because their dishwasher is SMOKING. ok - I don't want to know WHAT they did to the dishwasher....
So.
Thunderduck gets back to the dorm (walking because his keys were locked in VickyValencourt's dorm room upstairs) and there is apparently a lot of blood in the water. TrainWreck has it wrapped up and Thunderduck wants to know what emergency clinic they can go to with the insurance card because he lost the list. I told him to call his Granny and ask her what would be the closest/cheapest one and we would handle whatever the cost was after the billing. I asked him how bad it was, did it need stitches, etc. and he put TrainWreck on the phone and he tells me that he cut it pretty deep and he thinks he needs stitches. In the meantime, their Granny got there and she looked at it and got on the phone and said, well, you'd think he'd cut his d1ck off the way he is carrying on. She proceeds to tell me that the cut is on the TOP of his finger, it is less than an inch long and it is not to the bone, nor has it cut any veins or arteries or anything. I told him to go to the on-campus clinic today and get a tetanus shot (because the freakin' genius has LOST his shot record). Ok, so now here is where it turned to typical "why can't I have normal kids" conversation. The REAL thing that was upsetting TrainWreck was that he was worried about losing too much blood (because the warm water made the finger bleed more PLUS the water dispersed the blood so much it LOOKED like he had lost a lot of blood). ANYWAY the fear was that his new "career path" is no longer pimping himself out to the psych department because the $30 was too few and far between -- oh, no it is far more lucrative to donate blood every week for $50 the first time and $30 a week after that. He even got his Social Security card replaced because the friend who referred him was going to get $10 for the referral and he really needed TrainWreck to go down there but since TrainWreck had lost his SS card, hmmmm...... what to do? The guy DROVE TrainWreck to the SS office so he could get a replacement card. AND APPARENTLY he has big plans for Spring Break now, too because there is a sperm bank in Dallas that pays $500 for each "deposit" Oh heavenly days. No wonder I have gray hair.

Ok, and then last night at Chunk's football practice I overhear this woman talking to another woman about being in a pet store looking at some dog and that she was able to talk to the guy about getting FINANCING FOR THE FRIGGIN' DOG and her friend was nodding and playing the home version of the game right along with her! Do you know how many rednecks there are in PeytonPlace? Apparently 2 more than I last counted.

164 Won't last long

Had a stomach bug Monday and actually came home from school and spent the day in bed. MyPoolBoy got it yesterday and I was still wiped out so I slept kinda late and didn't blog yesterday or this morning. Anyway - I lost enough fluids that my weight went down. I posted it, even though I know it won't stay there as soon as I start eating solid foods again (today), but it was fun to see a lower number again!