Dachshund Porn

So Last night DrunkenFelix invites MyPoolBoy and I over to her mother's to hang out after we had gone to Chili's to celebrate the March faculty b-days with the Lucilles. Basically the premise was this: Felix's niece lives in a trailer and there was a tornado watch for a town that is 2 counties over. So Niece doesn't want to stay in her trailer during the night. She brings her husband, her child, a little black Dachshund named Jake and her rabbit in it's cage. She also has in tow a big Rubbermaid bucket full of toys that did not get played with the whole time I was there for the aforementioned child.

Felix had brought her 2 OLD AND FAT Dachshunds and calls me and tells me that she is bringing her pajamas and to bring mine and we will just get comfortable and hang out. So I did. MyPoolBoy gets some BanaRamaShi+ and we head on over.

Upon arriving we take our likker out to the fridge on the back porch and Jake the little black Dachshund follows us out there through the doggy door - even though the patio door was still open. Felix comments on how skinny he looks (his ribs WERE showing) and she inquired of Niece's husband if he was sick - no, but they were probably going to have to take him to the vet to find out why he had lost all this weight.

Anyhoo - we got into our pj's and sat on the steps from the kitchen to the den and proceeded to drink BanaRamaShi+ from a Santa Claus wine glass. (Having way too much fun already) We watch Jake the Little Black Dachshund follow Felix's Dachshund's around and try to hump on them. A bit later we witness the poor little perv humping the air as he walked from room to room - every where he went he was humping - couldn't even walk straight ---- I surmised that THAT was why the poor creature was so thin! He was exercising himself to anorexic-looking proportions!

As the evening wore on and the BanaRamaShi+ grew low, we also got to see the 2 old fat Dachshunds humping each other (girl on girl) Not only that but one of them actually LAID ON HER BACK while the other got on top! I asked Felix where her dogs might have learned THAT behavior BWAHAHAHAHAHA! All the while poor Jake the PervDog is standing by helplessly watching as he humped the non-responsive air.

And then we came home.

No more PG-13 movies for this kid!

Tickled - and sober!

Felix and I got completely hysterical laughing this morning at our early morning meeting with the principal this morning. First we were laughing cuz the principal said that the architecture firm that is making the plans for our new school building "will have a drawing next week sometime" we both thought he meant like a RAFFLE drawing, not an architectural sketch and we just died laughing. Then Felix said that she figured out that if we got arrested for public intoxication downtown they would put us in the back room with "the bench" in the police station. From there we could dig a tunnel through the wall to the new sports bar and get back to drinking!!!!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I swear we were laughing so hard that she had her face buried in her jacket and I had tears rolling down my face.
It takes so very little to entertain us....sadly.

I also found out that it takes a whole fresh pineapple or 7 cans of pineapple to make a liter of infused vodka.
This I must do.

I found another one!

This is where my tuition money is going??????

I have failed & under pressure

Well, I discovered that Bartender's Choice Bananas Over You is THE SHI+!!!!!!

MyPoolBoy and I downed 2 bottles of it last night and I got DUH-RUNK!
However, I still have vodka left so I have failed at Spring Break.

Anyhooo we went shopping this afternoon and I took my blood pressure and it was 117 over 72 -- The lowest it's been in 4 years! I told MyPoolBoy that I must've really needed Spring Break - and that I should not go back to school for health reasons!

And if you have not seen Borat yet - you HAVE to!!!!!

Spring Break Kickoff

First of all, we had to go to RC Grill because one of the 4th grade teachers said that a couple of their students told a bunch of kids on the playground that she goes to the RBar every weekend cuz they saw her there a couple of weeks ago. So - Felix and I managed to get the h3ll out of Dodge before all the kids were even picked up from the car-rider circle! So after a couple of Almond Joy martinis at the house and getting MyPoolBoy to drive me up there before he had to go to run the scoreboard at the girls' soccer game, he got me and Felix a couple of pitchers of some sort of ale (which we obligingly drank) and then the bartender was the son of one of the Lucilles (another third grade teacher) and he asked me why we went to RBar instead of there every week - insert foreshadowing here - I told him it was because they let me wear my boa and they named a drink after me -- he asked me about the drink and I tried to explain The Princess to him. He made one, but he added Malibu rum, which added an interesting twist but it just wasn't the same. ANYWAY - after the ale was gone and the Princess was gone, and Bi+chslap bought me another Princess, I started to get LOUD (as usual) and BartenderBoy came to ask me to quiet down (we were on the patio outside) so I told him and Felix and Bi+chslap that THAT was why we always go to RBar - cuz they let me get as loud as I want and we aren't even outside!

SOOO - the game got over and MyPoolBoy came back right about the time that everyone started to split up and leave, so we started home -- but Felix said that they were going to RBar from there, so MyPoolBoy and I came to check on the kids and then he took me to RBar - they were not there, we stood inside RBar a few minutes and asked KimmyMakerOfPrincesses if they had been there yet. I had some guy at the bar laughing while I called her (by saying Cr@ckwhore into my voice-dial LOL) and the GuyAtTheBar yelled - Red rover red rover let Cr@ackwhore come over! SO Felix says that she and Bi+chslap are in the lounge area of RCGrill and to meet them there - MyPoolBoy was going to come do something else while I was with them. Anyway - I go and we decided that we should go get BartenderBoy's mom and kidnap her (yes, we were very drunk). Well, we left, and after Felix attempted to do a handstand in the parking lot, we drove the back roads to get her.

We stumbled across her yard and knocked on the door - and we THOUGHT we saw a tv on in the window so we started singing Delta Dawn to get her attention, but all we heard inside was the dog barking. So we called her cell phone and tried to get her to answer and ended up leaving a bunch of voicemails for her. Lawrd she's gonna hate us! Well, then Felix tries to open the front door and it wasn't locked so we shut it real quick and THEN when she tried it again it was locked - we don't know if there was someone behind the door and they locked us out or if they were all out of the house and we just locked THEM out!
So, that adventure being a wash, we decided to go find BagLady cuz we knew she was staying with MrRightNow over the weekend cuz his kids were gonna be with their mom. So we go knock on the door and sing Delta Dawn thinking that we would catch them mid-coitus (this word alone gave DrunkenFelix and Bi+chslap enormous cause to start laughing to pants-peeing proportions - I coulda said they were bangin' like a screen door in a hurricane, but I have more class than that!) - and his MOTHER answers the door - and Felix tells her we are there to see BagLady so she goes and gets her. I asked her if we caught them mid-coitus, which makes Felix and Bi+chslap howl laughing so loud that the neighbors' dog starts raising h3ll. THEN Felix did her handstand in the yard. GAWD!
Well, we call MyPoolBoy and tell him to meet us and Bi+chslap's hubby at Oneills. We got there and there was a band of old geezers that obviously had left their hearing aids at home and thought that just cuz they couldn't hear themselves play that no one else must be able to hear them either - I was drunk and partying and I left because they were too loud. Basically someone needed to educate the idiots that if you are playing a small venue where people are trying to socialize, then TOO DAYUM LOUD is too loud. We walked across the street to RBar and hung out for a while. And RedRover was still there! SO we jacked with him for a while and then headed out around the time the RBar was closing.

I got drunk enough to spill candle wax all over my new tennis shoes. Caca.
Ideas I got though: I simply must make White Trash Princess dollars sometime over spring break, and we decided that we all need Lucille cards to carry in our wallets.

Dear mother of sweet little 8 pound baby Jesus laying in the manger

I'm plowed. I have been drinking some of them thar almond joy martinis - 3 to be exact. I've been on an online drink mixing site looking up random words searching for drinks to make --- I amuse myself way too dayum easily.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Banned camper quote: "Whoops, I totally forgot to lose 30 pounds!"

MyPoolBoy asked me to help him answer a question about his Travel and Tourism class: "What are the forces that affect the rail travel system in the US" My response was gravity cuz it holds the train on the tracks. He does not appreciate me at all.

Watchin WickerMan - weird movie....

You were a Girl Scout Cookie

Girl Scout Cookie

1/2 oz Bailey's® Irish cream
1/2 oz Kahlua® coffee liqueur
1/2 oz peppermint schnapps
Pour ingredients into a stainless steel shaker over ice, and shake until completely cold. Strain into an old-fashioned glass, and serve.

It's just called a Girl Scout Cookie - takes me back to "Heathers" when Heather Chandler tries to explain to Veronica why she could never be a Heather - because "You were a Bluebird. You were a Brownie. You were a Girl Scout Cookie."

Sounds good- Reese's Martini

Peanut Butter Cup Martini
3 oz Frangelico® hazelnut liqueur
2 oz DeKuyper® Buttershots liqueur
2 oz Godiva® chocolate liqueur
2 oz half-and-half

Combine ingredients in a shaker with ice, shake, strain into an old-fashioned glass straight up or on the rocks. (Note: you can substitute any chocolate liqueur for the Godiva including dark creme de cacao, Vermeer, Bailey's Irish cream, or Cask & Creme Chocolate Temptation. If you use a cream liqueur you can cut down on the half and half.)

Here's another - with Bailey's
Peanut Butter Cup Martini
1 oz Kahlua® coffee liqueur
1 oz Frangelico® hazelnut liqueur
1 oz Bailey's® Irish cream
5 oz milk
Pour the Kahlua coffee liqueur, Frangelico hazelnut liqueur and Bailey's irish cream into a hurricane glass filled with ice cubes. Fill with milk, stir well, and serve.

hmmmm... pbj martini

PEANUT BUTTER & JELLY MARTINI

2 parts ABSOLUT VODKA
1 part Black Currant Liqueur
1 part Hazelnut Liqueur
1 part Strawberry Puree
Strawberry
Shake with ice and strain to a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with strawberry.

Oreo Shot

I can't find an Oreo Martini

aka Oreo Speedwagon
Ingredients
1 oz.
Kahlua®
1 oz.
Creme de Cacao
1 oz.
Bailey's Irish Cream®
1 Splash
Vodka
Directions:
Layer Kahlua, Creme de Cacao, and Bailey's (on top), then top with a splash of vodka.

Somebody stop me! - Root Beer Martini

Root Beer Martini
Ingredients:
1 ounce infused vanilla vodka
1/2 ounce root beer schnapps
Hand-whipped cream

Directions:
Pour over ice in a tumbler and shake. Strain into a martini glass. Top with the whipped cream. For a less "powerful" drink, you can use regular root beer.

Somebody simply must go to the liquor store - Key Lime Pie Martini

Key Lime Pie Martini
An adult dessert in a glass! Freezing the vodka makes this icy good!
by Rita L
1 servings

3 tablespoons liquor vanilla liqueur
1 tablespoon lemon-flavored vodka
2 tablespoons key lime juice or fresh lime juice
2 tablespoons heavy cream

Garnish
1 lime wedge
1/8 teaspoon finely crushed graham cracker crumbs


Chill martini glass.
In a shaker filled with ice combine Liquor 43,vodka,key-lime juice& heavy cream.
Shake till shaker is icy cold to hold.
Rub rim of chilled glass with lime wedge then dip into graham and strain drink into martini glass.

I Absolut-ly (HA!) do not have 30 days worth of patience

Homemade Pineapple Vodka
1 x pineapple, trimmed and cut into small pieces
1 1/2 litres vodka
1 cup sugar
1 cup water

Directions:
Place pineapple chunks in a large jar or resealable container.
Pour in vodka and store in the refrigerator for 7 days.
Place the sugar and water in a small saucepan and bring to a boil until the sugar has completely dissolved.
Set aside to cool and then refrigerate until ready to use.
Strain the vodka from the pineapple into a clean jar, pressing down on the fruit to extract every bit of juice.
Pour in the syrup and refrigerate for 30 days.

Red Velvet Cookies

Good heavenly days - I have to make a whole new category for this post.

Red Velvet Cookies
1 box Duncan Hines Red Velvet Cake Mix
2 eggs
1/3 cup vegetable oil

Mix all ingredients together. Roll into balls and place on a lightly greased cookie sheet. Flatten down slightly (depending on the thickness you desire). Bake at 375 degrees F until the tops crackle (about 8 to 10 minutes) or until desired doneness.
Cool, then frost.

Cream Cheese Frosting
8 ounces cream cheese, softened
1/4 cup butter, softened
2 teaspoons milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
4 cups confectioners' sugar
Beat cream cheese, butter, milk and vanilla extract in a medium bowl with electric mixer on low speed until smooth.Gradually beat in confectioners' sugar on low speed, 1 cup at a time, until smooth and spreadable. Refrigerate any remaining frosting.

Chocolate Cream Cheese Frosting:
Add 2 ounces unsweetened baking chocolate, melted and cooled, with the butter.

More yum - Carmel Apple Martini

Ingredients:
4Part(s)Vodka
2Part(s)Apple Mixer
1Part(s)Butterscotch Schnapps
Instructions:Shake with ice, pour and enjoy!

(I think this might be better if you back off on the vodka)

Here' another fave - Dreamsicle Martini

Dreamsicle Martini

2 parts vanilla vodka
3 parts Sunkist orange soda

Shake over ice and strain into martini glass.

(I've also had this with a dash of vanilla coffee liqueur/flavoring added - extra yum!)

I also need a life....

Movie quotes going on at Banned Camp. My fave is in Heathers when Veronica says about her friends: "It's just like - they're people I work with, and our job is being popular and shit!"

Oh, and "But why's the rum gone?"

I need a drink! Butterscotch Sundae Martini

Dayum this sounds good!

Butterscotch Sundae·
2 parts Vodka ·
1 part Butterscotch Schnapps·
1 part Creme de Cacao·
cherry

Mix and shake in shaker and strain into martini glass. Garnish with a cherry.

Friday Night Blues

Sittin' at home on the first Friday that I haven't been sick in weeks! No vodka - no princesses - no R-Bar. Heaven help me.

MyPoolBoy bought me a pair of opera-length leopard print gloves to wear with my WTP kit - but lawrd they are so cheesy. Only a man!

Felix has plans to go to Houston to visit her brother, so she is off like a cheap prom dress.

BagLady had MrRightNow's kids in her room after school, so I am assuming that SHE has plans that don't include me, for sure!

MyPoolBoy is in the press box of the girls' soccer game, and I am here with Lurch and Chunk and the menagerie of worthless animals that we own. Been reading BannedCamp a little ("drunk makes you kiss sometimes") and thinking about doing a little school stuff. I made some new math bulletin board things to go with Mountain Math so that it fits the TEKS better, and then I'll probably order the Question of the Day stuff next year to go with it - it should be very comprehensive. My other thing is to get this 6 weeks' curriculum chart done and get lesson plans for next week hammered out - cuz I need to get some stuff on the walls for Public School Week! Then I figure over spring break I will work on the bulletin board science stuff that I want to create. Felix is going to order one that just posts vocabulary and then gives the kids a worksheet with one question per day. I like the idea of having them write in science, but for $75 I would like to have more than some worksheets and a word wall for cripes' sake.

Please let MyPoolBoy get through early enough to go buy me something upon which to imbibe!