My 13 Rules of Halloween

Well, here I sit out in my yard and I have decided that I need to set some melon vodka-induced ground rules for the freeloaders, I mean trick-or-treaters, that trespass, I mean come trick-or-treating, at my house:

1) If you are taller than Lurch, you get ONE piece of candy
2) If you have bigger boobs than I do, you get ONE piece of candy
3) If you are wearing a high school class ring, you get ONE piece of candy
4) If you are wearing a WEDDING ring, you get NO candy.
5) If you say anything smart-a$$ other than "trick-or-treat," I will not think you are clever or cute because I put up with that shi+ all week long, and you get ONE piece of candy
6) If you pick up and touch the decorations I have set out on my candy table, you get ONE piece of candy
7) If you reach into the candy bowl to help yourself, you get ONE piece of candy
8) If MyPoolBoy recognizes you from his after school detention duty at the high school, you get ONE piece of candy
9) If you shove and push your little brother or sister where I can witness it, you get ONE piece of candy
10) If you are old enough to create your own costume and you have not made even a remote attempt at wearing one, you get ONE piece of candy.
11) If I recognize you because you have dated one of my now-old-enough-to-vote-and-be-drafted sons, you get NO candy.
12) If you were on a sports team with one of my sons, you get NO candy.
13) If you are an obnoxiously loud precocious 6-year-old dressed as Wonder Woman loaded with what is obviously already more than enough sugar for the evening and you see fit to yell out at my orange lights that it's not Christmas yet, why are my lights out, and then proceed to argue with Lurch about whether Santa Claus brings candy or presents or both, you get ONE piece of candy and hopefully a lump of coal from Santa.

And a little kid just asked if the fake hand on the candy table was a real hand. I told him that it was the hand of the last kid that reached out and touched stuff on my table.