Breaking Training

Before I get too far, let me just point out that the best part of faculty meetings is food.  Our campus usually does a fabulous job of providing enough fare to keep my mouth busy chewing and disengaged from smart-mouthing for at least a little while. 

So. When we had a "short meeting" last week I had to make sure that I went by the candy machine and spend an assorted accumulation of change from the bottom of my purse on Snickers bars for our table because in meeting-speak "short meeting" has nothing to do with the length of time that elapses nor does it refer to the stature of the participants (although Felix could preside over such a meeting as its president).  "Short meeting" actually translates to "no food provided."  

Anyway - there was plenty of food at the meeting today because it was a REAL meeting and it kept me relatively quiet but, it wasn't at the meeting where my mouth ran over this time.  It was the fabulous surprise copy machine training presentation that occurred AFTER the meeting that prompted me to entertain all within earshot.  This surprise copy machine training presentation was brought about by the unfortunate near-demise of our beloved copy machine by someone who pulled on one of the interior components a wee bit too hard in order to presumably remove a paper jam. 

Now, if you've never had the good fortune to have surprise copy machine training inflicted  sprung on you, let me just tell you - I was able to behave for a mere 3 minutes.  Unfortunately, the training lasted about 45 minutes.  So for the better part of the first half of the remaining 42 minutes, I fought the strong urge to mouth off.  Alas, I lost the battle about 25 minutes into the ordeal and I began to make off-color references concerning the copy machine terms and components and therefore succeeded in providing entertainment for all those around me for the remainder of the training. 

After we had ascertained that if you pull on stuff inside the copier too hard it will, in fact, break, we learned some valuable information like there are stickers which serve as sort of guides/instructions as to what to do in the event of future paper jams - unfortunately that means that we would have to actually read the guides/instructions instead of just opening compartments and hoping to find the jam in our own little effed up version of office machine roulette.  So THAT's no fun. 

We also learned that you shouldn't touch any of the interior components that are not labeled with the aforementioned stickers or that don't have a green handle or knob or switch on the component.  Unless you're color blind.  I said it just loud enough to emit a titter from the 3-4 folks near me.  Felix shot me a "please shut up" look.  Which never works. 

As the copy machine training presenter guy continued our education he let us know that the machine had the capability of scanning and reading both sides of a document at once so that it will be "looking at your backside."  I KNOW.  That was just asking for me to stand up and look at my backside. 

As he pointed out the various computerized features on the touch screen, he let us know where the 2-sided feature was, where the stapling feature was, and that there was a logout button and a CLEAR button.  I announced that the CLEAR button must be for running transparencies.  

A few of the folks around me started complaining that it was getting stuffy in the tiny room with about 50 people standing around watching the copy machine training presenter guy.  I offered to assist in ending the training abruptly and clear the room for them by farting.

No takers.