Hard Up

Here it is Friday night.
I am taking cold medicine out of MEDICAL NEED - which takes all the fun out of THAT.

MyPoolBoy tried to call Felix to babysit me at RBar but no go cuz her PoolBoy/ManSlave is coming back into town tonight. Well, MyPoolBoy is in the pressbox at the stadium running the clock and scoreboard for the girls' soccer team. Lurch is at his soccer game out of town and it was deemed that I was too sick to sit out in the cold to watch either one. So here I am - Chunk is in the other room having complete fits of euphoria over the mushroom pizza that Domino's delivered-letting the Weasel out the front door and halfway down the street- necessitating his running down the road after her like a fool in flipflops.

BUT we got the Weasel back inside and snapped a few photos of her impressions of other dog breeds. It is our never-ending quest to figure out what the h3ll kind of dog she really is! Fun at parties! Call your friends to join in! Here is the home version of the game:

Voila! Weasel as a Doberman:












And here is Weasel as a Bassett Hound:












Weasel also impersonates Corgis:









Is Weasel a Sharpei?











Look out! Weasel has RABIES!












You can go ahead and weep, shedding a few tears for my utterly sad pathetic existence of a Friday night. Chock full 'o fun, huh?

Uncanny! and are we supposed to be Jesus now?

Which Historical Lunatic Are You?

From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

Wow! Read the bio on this guy -- dead on!

Dayum! Sumbi+ch had money printed with his face on it and some establishments that he frequented even accepted it as legal currency! I wonder if RBar would take pink WTP Bucks? I've simply gotta make some money -- literally! It's not counterfeiting if you are making your own is it?

I think I should start with a $69 bill!
BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

MyPoolBoy said I should use them as my classroom dollars at school. Silly boy. I had to remind him that the WTP is somewhat akin to Superman/Clark Kent... you know, that whole can't be in two places thing.

Ok - so we are having TAKS training on Wed. of next week and we hear that the teachers at another campus were told that they had to walk around the room constantly or they would be written up. Someone wondered out loud, "Why?" to which I shot back the reply that we are paying for the sins of someone somewhere who didn't do their job and we are all supposed to be Jesus now.

I wonder if we have to provide our own nails or if they will be issued by the state.

Chinese Body LipSync

I dunno - that's what the title says! My biggest concern is not that these dweebs are out on the loose somewhere in the world, but that their friend who is deaf? downloading porn? stoned? dead? - did someone check to see if Dave is still breathing - is not reacting to the idiocy behind him AT ALL

I think I have bronchitis

I probably should go to the doctor.

Petition from a Hypocrite

I just got an email petition from my brother, ShallowHal. It was to help pass a bill to reinstate the Pledge of Allegiance and Lord's Prayer in all public schools.

Very nice, except what does he care? He has his kids in private school because he refuses to send them to public school.

I swear if he was a puddle and I stepped in him I'd barely get my feet wet.

Anniversary

MyPoolBoy and I went out with Felix and BagLady to watch CorporalPunishment play. As the debauchery wore on through the evening, Felix wound up carrying the tip jar for the band around the patio and collecting tips in her cleavage. Of course the WTP kit came out, but the highlight of the evening was this:

Ladies and gentlemen - Mr. Elton John!

The White Trash Princess Kit

Here are the items in my WTP kit:
Notice that these items are beautifully displayed on the pink cheetah print blankie that MyPoolBoy bought me for Christmas. The WTP is very loved.

Pink crocodile purse - We are to assume this is fake crocodile since pink is not a color that crocodiles tend to appear to us in nature and therefore can be considered to be animal-cruelty-free. The WTP is nothing if not kind to animals! The only way this could be any better is if it were silver and shaped/decorated to resemble an Airstream travel trailer! Ooooh! Project!

Pink shades - alas these are not rhinestone cateye pink shades. I had a pair that I bought on 6th Street in Austin, but they were an unfortunate casualty in the infamous drunken "Jose, don't leave me!" float trip. I do enjoy telling people that I bought them in the toy section of Walmart, thus celebrating the amazingly tiny proportion of my face/head.
NOTE TO MY READERS AND FRIENDS: If you really feel you MUST bestow upon me another gift of WTPdom, please consider buying me a set of gen-u-wine rhinestone cateye pink shades. I will be your friend for at least 47 minutes afterwards! Here is a link to see what I'm talking about. I actually would like to see if I could get some that were a little hotter pink and in a small size - due to the aforementioned freakishly small size of my head & face.

Travel-sized Tiara - of "Tiara Table" fame. Felix and I bought these on a drunken spree from RBar to the Walmart bridal department one night - none of the guys would take us: Hence the standing joke among us that if you take a white woman to Walmart it constitutes a commitment that none of them are man enough to handle. This handy little item is especially useful at RBar: when I put it on, it signals to the bartender that I need another Princess martini!

Pink flamingo earrings - a gift from a former student who truly understands me. I have, however, come to feel of late that I need to replace these with Elvis dangly earrings since I have a tiny little pink flamingo in the kit already. (You really must check out this link: these sumbi+ches are made from bottle caps!)

Speaking of the tiny little pink flamingo - this is the 2nd one I have had in the kit. I had one of those kind that you put in water and it is supposed to grow (although 20 minutes in cold water in an emptied Princess martini glass at RBar apparently is not long enough, but h3ll, I threw the directions away!) Anyway, it was replaced after one attempted use because DrunkenFelix tore the legs off of it like a bi+ch, so it went into permanent retirement - no, there is no Florida for flamingos when THEY retire, they just get chunked in the trash. Although....it would be kinda fun to show folks that I am the proud owner of a tiny little pink parapalegic flamingo!

Charm bracelet of various drinks - so that when I am too drunk to order for myself I can just point to the one that I want and continue to imbibe!

Precious little pink bag with a $1 Dollar General pink feather boa - Admittedly, there probably is a naked chicken out there somewhere because of my wanton lust for WTP regalia. I like to think that the chicken who gave of his/her feathers is reunited posthumously at the table at RBar when I order chicken strips or chicken tacos. See? Life comes full circle.

Sparkly pink lipstick case - included inside is a hot pink chapstick that is garish at best - and whorish at worst. I love it. Shut up.

One final item that I feel is amiss - Some leopard print gloves. I have yet to find the perfect pair, because they will need to be thinsulate or cotton . Remember they will be crammed in with all the other crap in the WTP kit! And looking for a pair on the web is a hoot! You get everything from leopard print dishwashing gloves to golf gloves to downright porno-style opera-length lingerie gloves!

Let us speak of Michael Keaton

Ok, so this is what I am thinking is entirely an unhealthy neoprene fetish. I was watching some old movie with Michael Keaton (before he played Batman) and I thought to myself, hey he's not bad looking -- I never thought that when I saw the very same movie 20 years ago! I really think it is because I saw him in THE SUIT (it even makes George Clooney look better - if that is even possible!).

Alright, that was dumb. I'm shallow.

Probably going to see Corporal Punishment (a band of school administrators and the district tech guy) play down town tonight. I am friends with the lead singer and I told him the other night at RBar that they could be the official band for the Lucilles. I also drunkenly once told him that I would be their official groupie/stalker, if they would learn to play some of the songs on our cd...then I sent him the list via email. Maybe I should post it on his myspace, too!

R.I.P. My Treadmill

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2 pounds away AGAIN!
Alas, my treadmill died after 20 minutes this morning. It is the switch - I think it flat-out shorted out, so I will have to see if I can get MyPoolBoy to replace it (with more wattage probably, too) Anywhooooo - I am still on the sucker reading email, blogging, and walking in place (I am NOT going to let this stop me from losing the weight I've got going so far!)

Had a break-through with one of the girls in my class during reading tutorials yesterday while we were checking the release tests - she realized that she did not answer one of the questions - she also found an answer she would have gotten correct if she had paid closer attention. She was upset. Good. She and another little girl then started asking about their math release results because I had taken them both in the hall when they finished (first 2 done!) and chewed them out -- they wanted to know if they had really done badly since they finished fast. Lo and behold! The worst 2 scores in the class! I was happy to report that to them (just to teach them a lesson). I think it may have really sunk in. I just have one more flibbertygibbit that is fixin' to have her momma called and will probably get majorly grounded and that'll straighten her up. Then all I have to deal with is the ADD boy....but he is being tested for SpEd...

Ok, so now I gotta hit the showers.

You try blogging when you've got cramps!

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2 pounds to go.
Cramping like a sumbi+ch - I'm not gonna put much in here today.

Got a new phone today (MyPoolBoy can't seem to stop spending money when we don't have it). At least it is pink -- got all the numbers changed over, just no ringtones yet.

Started the Book

I got started on my TAKS book this weekend. It actually just came together as a finalized idea in my head and I have a starting point and a path to be on -- it shouldn't take too long to complete either, so maybe this summer I can start marketing and publishing!

So, I was up to nearly my starting weight yesterday before church -- but my fingers were swollen with water bloat so I guess it is PMS week. Another cool thing about going to church yesterday -- MyPoolBoy actually let me tithe $100 - what a leap of faith for him cuz he can't seem to turn loose of money! Anyway we figured up the 5, 10, 15, 20, 50 budget and he understood my theory/plan and said he was going to trust God to make it work.

I'll have to post a picture of me on my birthday (last Friday) at R-Bar in my white trash princess kit regalia. MonsterInLaw took a picture of me standing by the date at the register (you know, the one they use if they're carding someone). Had quite a few free Princesses - I lost count, but I was slipping notes on napkins under the bathroom door to total strangers - it was a hoot!

Ok, Rick is through singing for now, so I better go hop in the shower and get ready for school!

3 Minutes B-Day In my PJ's

Not much time cuz (3 minutes) I gotta leave early to go to Wally WOrld and get some cupcakes for my class for my birthday. I decided we needed some cuz there won't be another b-day in my class until March!

Cheated again and got on the scale - down 2 1/2 pounds in my PJs!

MyPoolBoy and Lurch just left to take Lurch to the bus for a soccer tourney.

OK, time to hit the showers, Rick....I have to leave you for now.

The 4 Week Deal

I think I have figured out why the Bob Greene diet wants you to wait 4 weeks before getting on the scale. I imagine it has something to do with not seeing a plateau and getting discouraged, but instead seeing dramatic results after a long period. With that said - I was down 3 pounds this morning. I am a cheater I admit but except for this sinus coughing pneumonia crap that I have I am feeling great. I slept a little late this morning so I am going to have to rush the housework but I feel in control enough of school and the house that I can still get on the treadmill with Rick for 30 solid minutes (cuz I'm blogging and checking email at the same time!).

First day of tutoring is out of the way;. I am glad mine are all close to passing the reading TAKS (61 was my lowest benchmark score) -- it's the math I'm dreading!

OK - going to send an ecard to my cousin and I'm hitting the shower!

The FreakShow Continues & I Cheated

Ok it is not as much of a freak show as last week, but we started with the girl who sang through her nose and then went on a little later to the horse girl (poor thing, is there an orthodontist in the house?) - who was continue the theme of "I can't understand you" until we got to the guy named Sundance with a weird-a$$ beard and a scary amount of hair on his chest! And the gentleman who wanted to sing his original, tender, emotional song for his girlfriend WTF? I am now 15 IQ points dumber for having listened to that! I wonder if the second half is going to be any better?

Well, no, it doesn't -- it's Harry Potter with a beard!

Oh CRAP! There is more of this woman than I want to see! Girl those boobs should have been checked at the door with the other weapons!

Look - Jesus is going to Hollywood!

Ok, true confession time - I cheated this morning and got on the scale after I did my ab workout - I was down 1 1/2 pounds. Not great, but it is something!

The God Warrior is Back!

...and she's met her match! The husband of the new family is a certified whack job. Everything out of his mouth is a black vs. white thing.

So far the funniest thing I ever friggin heard in my life is his description of doing #2: "I straight up disrespect the toilet when I go in there!" (One of the BannedCampers sez maybe that's cuz the toilet is white and he thinks it is opressing him ---- ok, that's mean!) and then the God Warrior proceeds to wretch and gag like she did last time with her fake puking.

Lawrd - she just told him that she would enjoy being a black person for a day because she would kick back and enjoy some hip hop and gizzards! Oh h3ll woman!

Chunk is watching it with me and he wanted to know why God Warrior's 24-year-old daughter is still living at home -- well a little bit later I found out why. The daughter gets up and tells new mom that they are having a brunch with God Warrior's friends and that "we" need to make a salad and some shrimp pasta. So new mom goes and starts cutting up stuff for a salad and the little sister was making tea. And the older daughter is shown laying her lazy a$$ in the bed with a towel on her head from the shower. Then it cuts to her doing her make-up and she shows up right as the friends get there and the food hits the table.

Enter the bi+ches. Last time they tore the poor woman apart with their inquisition -- yeah, very church-like, girls. They got that look on their faces when new mom said that she didn't know any black people that voted for Bush. And they went down the welfare road, too!

Final note - New Dad is still having a rant and God Warrior told him she wasn't going to listen to him as long as he was raising his voice to her. Now I gotta wait till next week to see how it ends....

Blah Blah Blah

Ok this is just a mindless brain-dump post. I'm on the treadmill (going on 30 minutes now) because I got my laptop hooked up to wireless and my battery charged (thanks to my mom for the wireless Christmas present!). ANyway, Ricky and I are walking to SDAA and I got up 15 minutes earlier to try to squeeze in 30 minutes of walking instead of 15 (as per Bob Greene), so I am walking while I read email, too. So I will keep this short - gotta go get in the shower and try to get dressed and salvage my lesson plans for this week that was interrupted by weather!

American FreakShow

Do the people on American Idol not have a momma standing at the doorway going - no way honey, you just cannot go try out? Obviously not. In fact I think the Seattle software guy (27 yrs old) from near the Salt Lake City area - no wait do-over - IN the Salt Lake City area (whatever, nutcase) probably DOES still live with his momma. Taylor Hicks WannaBe the hairdresser was excruciating enough.

Well, my first reaction to the crowd pan that they did of the audition group was "the freaks come out at night." Then I realized this had happened during the daytime, so I figure that a short bus (or at least a tour bus from Arkansas) broke down in front of the audition hall and the occupants got lost in the crowd, handed a number, and shoved on stage. Shallow gene pool is the only explanation for some of these folks!

Then there was Simon's "Bush Baby" - I laughed to tears on that one! Plus his friend thang a thong for Thimon....next, please! Last but not least we met "Red" who dazzled us with his brilliance (and single front tooth) over how he got his nickname and how he has to tell people it's because he has red hair - NO! Are you lying? I'd have never guessed! Thank goodness you brought that to my attention! Bohemian Rhapsody? Is that what that was? Freddy Mercury is doing 360s in his grave - carry on, carry on.

Don't know my weight today. Gonna hold off until February -- ackkk it's killing me! Did 30 minutes on the treadmill yesterday and 15 minutes of yoga/stretching this morning. We have a 2 hour late start this morning, so I'm using the extra time to get some school stuff caught up (conference packets/honor roll, lesson plans - which are pretty much a bust for this week- ha!) and getting my routine back on track.

Day 3 of the Great Snow-In '07

Wait - some of this $hi+ from the sky is ice? Why didn't someone tell me before? Where the h3ll is my martini shaker - can't waste this!

Ok Banned Camp quote of the day (re: American Idol contestant):
"Brenna is so bad my nipples inverted in fright."

WTF?

And I am going to go on the treadmill or bike for 30 minutes this morning. I am gonna try this stuff the Bob Greene way - and it is killing me not to get on the scale until Valentine's!
Gawd I have cramps, too!

I told MyPoolBoy about the idea about the budget.
(5% tithe
10% savings
15% Misc
20% Groceries/Meals
50% Mortgage & Utilities)
He was actually receptive to it and didn't even get pissy. He may be a man after all...Or maybe he has finally learned that I am smarter than he is BWAAAHAHAHAHA!

May I have your attention, please!

We interrupt this blog to bring you a random moment of droolage:

Ok, stuck at home for yet another day - watching Pirates with the boy/men-folk....Oh yes I'd love to watch it with you drool drool drool

Homebound

No inservice today cuz of the weather. Gotta get papers graded and online and get stuff ready for the conferences tomorrow. Right now I'm just hanging out in bed with sinus pressure and feeling tired.
On Oprah right now -
Bob Greene Diet
3 questions:
Why are you overweight? Stress makes me eat and too tired to exercise
Why do you want to lose weight? Too look better - let's face it, I'm vain
Why have you failed before? Lost it once but got stressed - mostly because of work and some because of MyPoolBoy

Foods to avoid
No sodas - this one woman lost 30 pounds just by not drinking soda!
No trans fats
No fried foods
No white bread
No regular pasta - Barrilla whole grain has omegas added in according to Bob Greene
No High Fat Dairy products - 1% or 2% is ok

He's also got a lot of stuff with General Mills that is on his "plan" hmmmm....he also says he's used SlimFast Optima. That's how I lost a few years ago. Yoplait Light, Green Giant frozen veggies, Cheerios. He also recommends taking vitamins (which I have gotten out of the habit of doing!)