How to Win Drinks and Influence People

Here is the latest tidbit of wisdom to spew forth from the font of knowledge that I loving refer to as my sage, all-knowing friend, DrunkenFelix:

I have no morals, will you buy me a beer?

This could very well be classified as a pick-up line to rival I'm-on-Cialis and may-I-pet-your-weasel.

Let's just say you know someone is DUH-RUNK (2 syllables) when they are telling you repeatedly for a 20-minute tirade taking up several precious moments of your lifetime that you are their BEST FRIEND EVER. No, seriously you don't understand, you are their best friend ever.

Edited to add: I just spewed coffee on my already effed-up laptop screen because she left me a voicemail on my phone. All she says is: Hey call me and let me know how the night ended.

This officially goes down in history as the best voicemail I have ever received.
Coffee. Through the nose. Ouch.

You know you had fun if you can't remember anything.
Well, let me see... after we bailed you out of jail and found your pants.....

Starry Starry Plight

I'm calling Felix by another name this week.

Her dogs that she treats too well (when I die please God let me come back as one of Felix's dogs) got in a real-live honest-to-goodness bi+ch fight because 2 of them are in heat. So they ganged up on one of the old fat porn dogs and bit her bad enough that she needed stitches in 10 places.

Felix, being the dog-whisperer that she is, jumped right smack into the middle of this canine throwdown and got bit. On the left ear. Requiring 4 stitches. And a huge-a$$ bandage.

$600 later I am laughing at her and calling her Vincent (Van Gogh). Because I am that kind of friend.

Maybe I should get her an Elizabethan collar so she won't lick her stitches! I will paint the scene of Starry, Starry Night on it to make it pretty. Or get her some sunflowers.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Holiday Gift-Giving

So there's a MetLife or somethingorother commercial that goes through stages of gift-giving in a relationship along these lines:

I like you
I really like you
I love you
I will always love you

And then comes the plug for the life insurance - the gift that keeps on giving

NO.
This is the gift that says: You need to die because I need some money to pay for all these gifts.

Holiday Spirit

Is this guy related to me?

Buckle Up

Last night I got just drunk enough to sit on the toilet to pee and think that I needed to put on my seatbelt.

Yet I was just sober enough to realize that I was on the toilet and not, in fact, in a vehicle of any kind. I started laughing mid-pee.

Yeah, I think I pretty much was the answer to the infamous "why's the rum gone" question

There's Always a Tangle in the Plan

Testosterone Patch Restores Libido in Postmenopausal Women

Well, this article title sounds promising - until you read to about the 3rd paragraph where it mentions the side-effect: unwanted hair growth. So, now you've got this sex drive like never before, but your Chewbacca-lookin' self is a real deal-breaker with any reasonable man.

Buckle Up For Safety

Last night I got just drunk enough to sit on the toilet to pee and think that I needed to put on my seatbelt.

Yet I was just sober enough to realize that I was on the toilet and not, in fact, in a vehicle of any kind. I started laughing mid-pee.

And I think I pretty much was the answer to the infamous "why's the rum gone" question

I Scared Children This Year

Poster Children

Red Ribbon Week was this week - in a desperate attempt to prove their inappropriately abundant knowledge of all things illicit, some of our little darlings made posters depicting the various alcohol and tobacco products that they knew they should Just Say No to.

It is sadly obvious that our kids are on the lower socio-economic end of the scale cuz the pictures were of Keystone, Miller Light, and Longhorn snuff. No Dos Equis or Michelob - not even real Copenhagen.

New Vocabulary Word

One of the 1st graders had to do a "think sheet" today to apologize to his teacher for being noisy during class:

Dear Mrs. Teacher,
I am soruy. I will not dickarupt class no mor.

dickarupt /dik*uh*ruhpt/ - verb: to dick around as to cause interruption or disruption of a structured social setting.

What a Flake

So, I had to eat cheerios this morning instead of my usual Special K with berries and I became acutely stricken by of one of my random moments of clarity and awareness:

When I finish eating cereal that is flakes, if there are a few small strays, I don't mind letting them dissipate and float out in the milk and basically go to waste.

Today, however, it was like no cheerio left behind... Not even a 1/2 of one. What is it about the ring-shape that made me deem it to be somehow more worthy of my consumption? I chased the little sumbi+ches all over their milky escape routes in the bowl with my spoon until they were completely devoured.

I won! I won!

I went to my box at school today and there was a paycheck in there. Hurray! I've won an all-expenses paid trip to the liquor store!

Been at Felix's all night, where I announced that if I lose 15 more pounds I'm going to start dressing like a slut.

Throw Me Something Mister!

PeytonPlace High School had its homecoming parade this evening and they changed its route to come down our street over to a vacant lot behind one of the elementary schools where the bonfire was to be held.

About 3 of my kids told me at school today that they would be riding in a float in the parade. I told them that they needed to save all their chocolate candy until they got to my house and throw it to me because I was down to orange tic tacs in my candy stash.

Then I sat on the back end of MyPoolBoy's pickup with a coffee cup (sans coffee - I was killin' off the box o' wine) and waited for the haul.

I got a lot of gum, plenty of tootsie rolls, some nestle crunches, and some other stuff that I pawned off on Chunk.

Oh, and some banana laffy taffy.
That reminds me... I need to go to the liquor store. I haven't had bananaramashit in a while.

Just Desserts

Our PTO has asked all the teachers to submit recipes for a cookbook that they are putting together for a fundraiser. They have decided that my grade level should contribute dessert recipes.

We're stymied.

The only desserts we're any good at are Pig Candy Meat Knots (1st/sober batch only, of course), Crackwhore Brownies (named for Felix's powdery-white condition after she makes them), and Jello Shots.

Impressed by Success

To atone for some irresponsibility-type sins, Thunderduck bought me a thrift-store copy of Success Hasn't Spoiled Me Yet. As he was checking out, he said the redneck lady at the register commented "You know, I saw him once"

TD: Oh really?

RedneckRegisterLady: Yeah, I was at a UT football game... I don't know why cuz we're Aggies at my house, maybe they were playing the Aggies... anyway this limo pulls up and the door opened and there he was --

Spuds MacKenzie!

TD (trying not to bust out laughing in her face cuz I've tried to instill in the boys that openly laughing at someone's mental shortcomings is distasteful and rude): Oh, really? Well, this is for my mom... she went to see Rick Springfield a few years ago.

RRL: Yeah, well, I've never seen Rick. I think I'd rather see the dog, anyway.

As disconcerted as I am that not everyone appreciates him as much as I, at least I know there's that much less competition.

Dumb Dog

Lurch's less-than-brilliant, obviously not bred for intelligence, 1/2 Rottweiler 1/2 cowdog is pulling on the rope that is holding the big brass piano piece up against the tree (it was SUPPOSED to have been made into a bar for me).

I informed her that if she succeeds in pulling the rope off, the big piece of metal will come down upon her head and they will write a sad children's book about her that will later be made into some tear-jerker Disney film where the dog always dies at the end. No one wins, especially not the dog.

She is not listening. Guess I should sit her down and make her watch Old Yeller a couple of times.

Oh My

I just had an impure thought.

Yep. I'm pretty sure it was impure.

If Steven Colbert was selling THIS for $350,000, he would definitely get some takers.

I think MyPoolBoy should pose for a picture like this for me for our anniversary.

Halloween Brew

I announced to the Lucilles today that I will be trick or treating their houses this year with a cooler. And I will be expecting a can of beer as my treat.

ETA

Adding to the whole TAKS benchmark ridiculousness-
We were at a grade-level meeting with the C&I admin over at the Big House. She said that the results would be able to help campus principals point out any problems.

Felix said the only problem our principal would get from OUR results would be a drinking problem.

School Daze

First of all, we had to give the release TAKS math test to our kids today (Yes, after the 5th week of school - test 'em on all the objectives that they haven't learned yet.) The premise was to see growth between now and mid-year and closer to TAKS time. Uhhhh, yeah. You'll see plenty of growth. Average score was about 30 or 40. The poor kids! They were so frustrated! Most hilarious to me was that my pre-primer reader baby got the mult/div problems right (and only like 5 other problems right!) So it looks like the only thing he has mastered is mult/div. HAHAHAHAHAHA! So what will I glean from the data and results of today's test? Well, judging from my pre-primer baby's results, I would have to say that my professional educated conclusion is that even a blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then!

Also - Thunderduck and I were discussing the absolute worst position in education would have to be subbing pre-k. Which we topped with worse: subbing bi-lingual pre-k. Which could only be worse if it was subbing special ed bi-lingual pre-k. But hey, if it was subbing you would have the option of turning it down.

There is a reason why I'm only certified 1-6. There is also a reason why I don't have any sped or bilingual/esl endorsements. Cuz with my luck, special ed bi-lingual pre-k is where they'd probably put me if they legally could. I'm not limiting myself...I'm INSURING myself.