BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

A funny

Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shi+ out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

I love image generators

Admittedly I am laughing too hard at the Enzyte one! (I'm a bi+ch)

Some B C witticisms

Banned Camp has been a great source of entertainment for me since we have been home-bound:
My favorite -
"TACT IS FOR PEOPLE NOT WITTY ENOUGH TO BE SARCASTIC."

"I'll have a mocha-vodka-valium-latte to go, please!"

"F**k with me and you f**k with the whole trailer park!"

White Whine: "Wheeeeeere did all these minorities cooooooome froooooom? I just can't taaaaaaaaan. Why can't I daaaaaaaaaaaance?"

"That doesn't mean you have to act like a crap-throwing swamp monkey"

"My theory is if you're not livin' on the edge you're takin' up too much space."

Federal/State Prison (not just jail) is PoundMeInTheA$$ Prison

"I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I wasn't under such heavy sedation."

"Don't make me go all Sophia Petrillo on you"

"9 out of 10 of the voices in my head say pull the trigger."

"Why run when you can run amok?"

"Why kill people with kindness when you could just use an ax?"

"Who needs a lawyer when you have matches?"

And the idea that if a member of your clique gets pregnant you MUST celebrate - you have a designated driver for the next 9 months!

Rodent Drama

Here's what happened after they sucked them all up outta their holes into a truck a Sherwood Park:

I can flush the potty!

Couple of things:

1) We have water! Not from the sky! Kinda low pressure, but enough warm water to wash my hair!

B) I am sooooooo whitetrash! I actually sat and ate SlimJims with my wine tonight (all part of my water conservation efforts)

finally) I was watching that liposuction/fat hospital tv show (on TLC or whatever) and they talked about one of the obese guys trying to get to his goal weight of 220 lbs. That's me! I figure at the rate I'm going, I will get up to that amount pretty soon!

Water water everywhere

And not a drop to drink! We are still without water -- but miraculously we are all ok.

I am doing my part to support the city's request that we conserve what bottled water we have (since at 11 am this morning we only had one road into and out of town!) -- I have taken to drinking wine. WTP is a good citizen.

Our town got enough flooding that we got our own segment on the Weather Channel!
...and I am scooping water out of the pool to flush the toilet.

We're still supposed to brace ourselves for another possible 6 inches this evening (normally adding 6 inches would sound like an Enzyte commercial) to add to the 18 inches that we've already gotten! I think I was supposed to build a friggin' ark or something....

Young & Reckless ?

Saw the previews for Dr. Phil's upcoming episode on young and reckless people. One girl admits that she had to open the door while driving to throw up. Dr. Phil reacted with shock and disdain... I say it means it must've been a really good party!

(Don't write and comment on the evils of DWI, blah blah blah. This is me making a joke. Ok, so to some of you, DWI is not a joke. I don't do it. I don't condone it. Shut up and go buy yourself a sense of humor - for $5 more you can probably get a sick twisted sense of humor like mine and then it won't bother you.)

It's All Very Scientific....

I am one of the few fortunate folks that doesn't get hangovers, no matter how drunk, sick, unconcious, or any combination of the three that I become during a given evening. However, MyPoolBoy and I were discussing that certain evenings I tend to have different reactions to whatever I drink. We have to find out why! So, to solve this dilemma, here's is what I propose for scientific discovery this summer. I have to drink only ONE type of alcohol per night to the point of inebriation (beer, margaritas/tequila, vodka/martinis, rum mixed drinks, wine, and possibly wine coolers or Zimas) -- BECAUSE I need to find out which one:

A) gets me drunk fastest (and figure the cost per ounce vs. others)
B) makes me hyper & dance-y (I like this - MyPoolBoy does not)
C) makes me mellow (wine, I think, good for hanging out on the patio by the chimenea)
D) makes me pass out (not good)
E) makes me sleepy (not good if it is early in the evening)
F) cleans out my colon (we were thinking it was tequila - now I'm wondering if it's beer!)
G) makes me sing (liquid courage)
H) results in UPW's (since I still don't have one that has been unidentifiable)
I) makes me holler and cuss like Tarnnia's granny (best option)


There will probably have to be charts and graphs so that I can clearly show that I am doing this in the name of science and not just as a random and gratiutous excuse to drink myself into an oblivious stupor for a solid week. (Though that is a bonus side-effect!)

The Plan

Felix and I have decided that we are going to kidnap BagLady's old decrepit excuse for a dog and enter it in the Ugliest Dog contest on the Saturday after July 4th! I told Felix it was only $5 entry fee and the winner gets a free stay at the Marriott. We'll win. Paco is UGLY!!!!!! BagLady will probably kick our a$$es though!!!!!

Also - I must mention the fact that I bought Felix a Grease DVD for Christmas last year. SHe is over 40 and has NEVER seen it all the way through! I think I've also reference the fact that this makes her some sort of cultural retard by American standards. However, we are planning to take it to the coast with us and watch it there. She is saving it for us... like a virgin on her wedding night! I am so honored that she wants her first time to be with us!

Look what I made in prison!

Bwahahahaahahaha! I think I may put this on my BannedCamp signature!

Kung Fu

Adding to my video-creation repetoire

A Night at the Rockhoppers

Two brothers compete in a quest to become the best Dance Revolution player at their local mini-golf arcade. Thrills! Drama! Rhythm! (ok, ONE of them doesn't have rhythm)

Happy Father's Day (playlist)

I got another Pick on FIQL with this one

1 There Goes My Life - Kenny Chesney
2 I've Been Watching You - Rodney Adkins
3 Keep It Between the Lines - Ricky Van Shelton
4 The Walk - Sawyer Brown
5 Love Without End, Amen - George Strait
6 Daddy's Hands - Holly Dunn
7 Mr. Mom - Lonestar
8 That's My Job - Conway Twitty
9 Cats in the Cradle - Harry Chapin
10 The Night I Called the Old Man Out - Garth Brooks
11 Tough Little Boys - Gary Allen
12 Daddy's Little Girl - Dean Martin
13 Daddy's Little Girl/Butterfly Kisses - Faith Hill & Tim McGraw
14 I Loved Her First - Heartland
15 The Greatest Man I Never Knew - Reba McEntire
16 My Father's Chair - Rick Springfield
17 In the Living Years - Mike & the Mechanics
18 Dance with My Father Again - Luther Vandross
19 The Best Man - Blaine Larsen
20 Half the Dad He Didn't Have to Be - Brad Paisley

I remember going to HEB....

MyPoolBoy informs me that after we went to go see Corporal Punishment last night I got out of the truck and complained loudly about having to walk on the tree leaf-y things that had fallen on the sidewalk during the rainstorm. I do NOT remember it.

I DO remember: That I wore a size 8 (EIGHT!) skirt last night without a girdle, duct tape, or starvation. (shameless brag)

I also remember that Felix and I sang some dirty lyrics to Love Potion No. 9
"I told her that I was flocked with chicks
You be the 9, and I'll be the 6"

Bi+chslap and one of the 4th grade teachers was there, also, so we got pretty loud and rowdy.

I remember that I got all the women in the place to get up and dance the twist with me.

I remember going to HEB and buying WhiteCastle burgers to cure our drunken cravings.

But that's it....

Oh --Hi to my latest reader that left a comment on the Fashion post - I put up the picture of denim-shorts-girl that MyPoolBoy took with his phone for ya.

Bash

This is the game that SubFriend was telling us about on PigCandy night at Felix's.

You need RealPlayer to make the video play the commercial - there's a short ad right before it starts.

No wonder they took this sumbi+ch off the market....whacking a clown, blocks flying all over the house!

A Lament

I have fully come to the realization that tomorrow is June 15. Rick Springfield will be in concert in Shreveport. I am not getting to go. I am completely bummed. MyPoolBoy will have to do some major sucking up and pampering to make me feel even a little better. For starters, he WILL be my ReplacementRick, carrying a guitar around and letting me rip his shirt off at whatever point during the evening that I deem it necessary.

I anticipate that there will be a ceremonial killing-off of the big-a$$ bottle of wine that is sitting unfinished (for now) in the fridge. I also plan to wear my "Jesse's Girl" tank top and play my ShockDenialAngerAcceptance CD until it melts from overuse. Then I'll probably have to watch every concert clip that is posted on YouTube just to make myself feel worse.

ReplacementRick (MPB) will probably get lucky though.

Hopefully I can talk Felix into drinking with me. I need a support group.

Another medicinal use for tequila

For some reason, the day after I drink SPQs I get a pretty thorough colon-cleansing, if you know what I mean....

MyPoolBoy figured I could use it as a pseudo-bulimic weight-loss method!

Tequila as Truth Serum

Well, I started drinking SPQ Margaritas after 12 Florida time (which means it was around 11:20ish here). MyPoolBoy and I were on the patio discussing the possibilities for the evening since there is no track and no poker tonight. This brought up the discussion of needing some chips/salsa and therefore needing money. MPB wanted to use my credit card (again, as usual - Now, with the exception of a $30 pedicure, he has been with me - and in fact saying "let's use YOUR card" - for every one of these charges.) It would not be such a point of contention except that MPB is a complete dumba$$ when it comes to finances. With the right amount of tequila, I am usually just drunk enough to tell the truth.

The Conversation:
MPB - You still should have $70 on your credit card. Let me go get online and check and see if it is posting the credit from the gas station the other day.

WTP - ok

MPB - (later, on the internet and in a huff) It still shows that the credit hasn't posted.

WTP - really? Let me see....
no, look, there is not any charge to the gas station, so they must have credited it.

MPB - then why don't you have $70 on your credit card any more? It says that you only used $350.

WTP (very patiently) - that is for the month of JUNE only. Look at May and see what we spent in Florida.

MPB - (checking the May balance) What the h3ll did you spend $140 on in Kissimmee

WTP - uh.......a new digital camera at Walmart, and socks and underwear for you because you didn't pack any.....

MPB - oh

MPB - (returning to the June balance page) So where is the $70 credit?

WTP - well, if you add the $140 from May and the $350 from June that's where the $500 that I had on my credit card went.

MPB - Yeah, but when I talked to that guy about clearing the gas station charge, he said it should post by Tuesday.

WTP - then that means there was NO money on my credit card when I tried to use it.

MPB - So what is the $70 right here?

WTP - that was Olive Garden

MPB - no that should have been $50something

WTP - NO you told me to leave enough of a tip to make it an even 70

MPB - so where is the credit for the other 50?

WTP - it's not on there ... do you see it on there?

MPB - no, so then they took off the 70... so where is the other 50?

WTP - it has been credited so it is NOT THERE. MPB, you have to treat these charges like they were in a check book register so that you know where you stand.

MPB (clearly not getting it thanks to his Football High School diploma with a consumer-math-only education) - But what about the $70 that the guy on the phone told me was there?

WTP - it probably was in between crediting the $50something Olive Garden charge and posting the $70 Olive Garden charge. It is THERE (pointing to screen).

MPB - You are not getting my point... you need to follow my logic

WTP - Honey, it is right, if you add the 140 and 350 you get 490 - that is almost $500.

MPB - Ok but what about the $70? Or at least the $50 credit to Olive Garden.

WTP - It's there. Add it up. Think about it.

MPB - You're still not following my logic.

WTP - (with tequila induced honesty/bravado) No, I'm not following your logic because YOU'RE WRONG!

I then went back outside and finished another margarita. Then I did my nails and I came back in to blog while intoxicated.


Sometimes the truth hurts.
Sometimes it's funny.

Seriously, this is the first time I've ever very bluntly told him that he is WRONG. There is an unwritten rule in his little effed up world that no one but him is ever allowed to be right. I crossed the line today. I'll probably be burned at the stake.

Dumba$$.

Panties in a Twist playlist

This made it onto the FIQL Pick list after only 12 hours!

Songs that help us in our quest to dance without spilling our drinks. The only dance you can do while balancing a martini and a cigarette in one hand and dance-gesturing with the other is the Twist. These songs fit the bill!

01 Dance with me tonight The Wonders
02 Rehab Amy Winehouse
03 Twist and Shout The Beatles
04 Chain of Fools Aretha Franklin
05 Jailhouse Rock Elvis Presley
06 Johnny, Are You Queer Josie Cotton
07 Sugar Sugar The Archies
08 Hey Ya Outkast
09 Hippy Hippy Shake The Beatles
10 Tequila Champs
11 Hit the Road Jack Ray Charles
12 Louie Louie The Kingsman
13 King of the Road Roger Miller
14 Boy Crazy Little Peggy March
15 Shout Isley Brothers
16 Da Doo On Ron Shaun Cassidy
17 Great Balls Of Fire Jerry Lee Lewis
18 Dancing In The Streets Martha Reeves & The Vandellas
19 Shake Your Tailfeathers Ray Charles
20 These Boots Are Made for Walking Nancy Sinatra
21 Mony Mony Tommy James And The Shondelles
22 That Thing You Do The Wonders
23 Jump Jive And Wail Cherry Poppin Daddies
24 Wipe Out Surfaris
25 Shake Senora - Jump In The Line Harry Belafonte
26 Stagger Lee Lloyd Price
27 Rock And Roll Is King Electric Light Orchestra

Musings on Fashion

The fateful day at Universal Studios during our vacation to Florida brought out some cause for text-messaging to Felix. We (MyPoolBoy and I) also felt it necesary at a certain point to begin sending photos from the camera phone to her as well. I swear every fat person (F A T - not just overweight - OBESE) in America had to have gone to FLorida that day - and they must have all been auditioning for "What Not to Wear" One of the pictures we sent was of a big ol' girl with denim shorts - they were just too small enough that the hemline of them folded under on themseves into one of the rolls of fat at her butt/thigh line. I cannot make this up!

The winner: big boy had his pants unbuttoned and UNZIPPED under his t-shirt ala post-Thanksgiving dinner style. I noticed this only because I happened to be looking his way when he thought no one was looking...right as he was adjusting the t-shirt to camouflage the non-fastened status of his britches.

Oh - and today I decided that I want to be the kind of old woman that dresses like Porter Wagoner in drag with enough sequins and rhinestones and hairspray to cover 2 televangelists!

My New Favorite Song

¨The man said, ´Why you think you´re here?´
I said, ´I have no idea.´¨

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

¨They tried to make me go to rehab, I said no, no, no!¨

What I Got at Epcot

This ALMOST qualifies as a UPW, but I since know how it happened, I guess I will have to continue in my quest to acquire one legitimately!

After a couple of days of my mother driving us crazy - which we finally found attributable to the fact that she was remembering how her previous trip to Florida was when she took Thunderduck, Trainwreck, and Lurch 10 years ago. (She was wanting to do the exact same things at the same places with my nephews, Thing1 and Thing2, and Chunk.) Anyhoo - we got to the point at Epcot when I figured it out and told ShallowHal and his wife. MonsterInLaw was with us, too. We schemed to ¨allow¨ her to take the kids back to the condo and take them swimming about mid-day (cuz that´s what they did LAST time!) and we finished going to the World Showcase without them. This ended up being very relaxing because A) we were not having to wait for ShallowHal´s oldest, Thing1, to do all the pin trading that eventually made MyPoolBoy almost insane and B) they sell likker at Epcot. This should be highlighted on tourist information. Why was I not told this sooner?

SOOOOOO We went to the UK section of Epcot and MonsterInLaw treated me to a 1/2 yard of ale. I am not sure how many fluid ounces a 1/2 yard of ale is, but rest assured it was enough to make me happy. So by the time we were in Norway, ShallowHal begins pointing out pseudo-naughty interpretations of the signs on the shops as we were going into the line for one of the rides - do you think I remember what the ride was called? - h3ll people, you´re lucky I remember I was in Norway! Anyway, as I was looking at the signs, I ran smack into one of the poles that comes out of the ground where they hang the ropes to separate the lines of people - and it did not hurt! The next afternoon though, I had a huge-a$$ bruise on my abdomen and knee on the left side - precisely where the impact with the pole had occurred, so I therefore concluded that it probably DID hurt, I was just too drunk to know it at the time!

When I called and told Felix about it, her concerns were simple: Was I sober? (of course not) and Did someone take a picture of it? (sicko)

I am so thrilled that she can find entertainment in my misfortune.

The Prodigal Princess Returns

I back from Florida - 10 days and not one of them spent laying by the pool or on the beach! We hit theme parks and tourist traps like you wouldn´t believe - and I did not buy one single flamingo! Don´t know how that happened!

I using today as a day of rest - I´ll post more tomorrow.