I'm a Card

Last night we were at a friend's house (playing the infamous point of contention poker game), and I was drinking banana-rama-shi+ (Monkey Formula). At one point I plopped my glass down and someone at the table yelled over at MyPoolBoy that I was splattering my drink on the tabletops. He hollered back "Hey, these things aren't Scotchguarded, you know!"

To which I very wittily replied: "That's OK, I'm not drinking Scotch!"

Later in the evening I sent Bi+chslap's hubby into an uproarious fit of red-in-the-face laughter when I dealt the beginnings of a royal flush - laid the suckers right on out there and announced: "Someone at this table owes me a blowjob!"

Zack-ula

I L-U-V Jerry Springer! He's got a Freakshow on there today - Name: Zack Affliction: Vampire

Now mind you, Zack wasn't BORN a vampire - oh, no - he had a "very very sexual relationship with a "beautiful woman" who was a vampire about 4 years ago (translation - homeboy found a chick to have sex with that he didn't have to pay for). So, Jerry is talking to Zackula (who is laying in a coffin) and he gets Zack to come sit on a chair like a mere mortal human would do.

Zack proceeds to elaborate on his vampirishness, including the fact that he cannot go out in the sun: Quick Jerry, open the skylight! I wanna see this sumbi+ch melt like the witch on the Wizard of Oz!

Then he offers Jerry some of his own blood to drink if Jerry would like to try it for himself: He would not - ummm I wouldn't want his O negative HIV positive Grande latte, either!

Jerry probes Zack to elaborate on how he met his wife. Zack says he was at the cemetery one night - Jerry interrupts, "What were you doing at the cemetery at night?" - and I am thinking "I needed a snack and the Piggly Wiggly was closed, Jerry"

In an attempt to press for further information about Zack's personal life, Jerry asks if he normally met women in cemeteries -- well, Mrs. Zackula was there "ghost-hunting" -- but ya know, I imagine Freakshow figured most of the women IN the cemetery wouldn't put up a fight. GROSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

Someone Take Up a Collection for Bail... Just In Case

MIL is still in ICU. They have not done surgery yet. NO ONE IS THERE WITH HER!!!!!

I cannot believe MyPoolBoy is letting her lay in that hospital to go through heart surgery with no family around. I got most of the housework and stuff done last night, so I could be ready to pack and go in less than an hour. I would still have to call and cancel a party we were invited to and go pick up some stuff for lesson plans but he just needs to decide to go.

I swear if I ever fall over with a heart attack and he goes and plays golf I will use my last dying breath to beat the crap out of him with his own 9-iron! I can't believe he is doing this to his mother!!!!!!!!!!!

Soooo now he tells me that we spent too much on Christmas and we don't have the gas money to get down there and back and he would be losing money if he doesn't run this poker tournament on New Years.... blah blah blah (I'm thinking it is only the 28th - new year's is 3 days away and they said she'd be out of the hospital by then)

Shoulda thought of that before he spent $ playing mutha eff-ing GOLF yesterday!
Hell, I think we could hock his golf clubs and get gas money -- what the hell is wrong with him????

Money is not REALLY the issue (he is still planning on going to play POKER TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!)

I have stuff set aside in the laundry room (not packed, mind you, but ready to be packed).

I just really don't want to have to maim or kill him during the holidays. Bail bondsmen are probably too short-staffed right now to handle me.

If Anything Bad Ever Happens to Me I Will Probably Just Be Left For Dead and WIll Get Eaten By My Cat

MyPoolBoy called his mother (who lives about 7 hours away) over the holidays and found out she had been sick. He called my brother in law's fiancee who lives near her and had her go check on her. She was worse, so she took MIL to the hospital. They checked her in and found she had had a heart attack and put her in ICU. Did an angiogram and are possibly going to do surgery tomorrow. So she could use a few prayers.

SO... I got up this a.m. and started cleaning up holiday stuff and getting some laundry done in what I thought was going to be prep for a long trip across the state to go be with her.

MyPoolBoy went and PLAYED GOLF today. I got some stuff done, but I really don't know what else I need to do. He told me he doesn't know if he wants to go or not cuz he has a poker tournament that he needs to run (his side business) on New Years. That is 4 days away! I do not understand how he does not want to at least go and stay until THEN. (Denial? My father in law died about 2 years ago on MyPoolBoy's birthday) It's not that he doesn't care - he is pretty close to his mom.

My quandary is this: I (somewhat selfishly) do not want to be scrambling at the last minute if he decides to go, or if heaven forbid, she gets worse and we HAVE to go. And he is p.o.'d at me cuz I won't just sit down and relax and "enjoy my holiday".

He is kinda bad about doing things like this... he went bowling when he found out I was going to be induced to have our first baby and the baby didn't come right away, he missed being with his dad when he died by mere minutes because he decided he wanted to go through the drive through at a particular fast food place and get a specific brand of burger instead of waiting to eat later across the street from the hospital. I truly do not know if this kind of crap is because he is trying to avoid stressful situations or if he is really THAT clueless and/or selfish.

Christmas Letter

Seasons Greetings, Y'all! Here, in retort to ShallowHal's family Christmas letter (cracked my a$$ up - they put in there that Thing1 was the "Most Improved" player on his PopWarner football team - which we all knows translates to mean that he sucked and then sucked less by the end of the season!). Anyhoo, I offer up our White Trash Christmas letter:

We would've got this to y'all through the mail and all, but we waited to see when the stamps would go on sale 1/2 off like the sales at Walmart, but did y'all know that the post office doesn't do that? Well, we sure as h3ll didn't, so that's why we're here on the web, posting it at the last minute.

Thunderduck is still living in the dorms at the big city college and he has a part time job fixin' tires down the street. He has gotten all the way to Medium Level on Guitar Hero and he promised that he will bring it down with him when he comes home for Christmas.

Trainwreck changed his major to Art and we are thinking that he just did it to look at all them naked paintings in those art books and whatnot. He got engaged to a nice girl, but she is from Virginia and we don't know what we're gonna do about having a Yankee in the family.

Lurch got through with football season with no concussions (of his own) and is getting ready to graduate. He has not decided on a college yet, and we are pretty darn afraid that THAT means he is planning on living here still.

Chunk was sent to his room to "clean it and not come out until it's done" so we're not even sure if he is still with us. We'll probably just claim him on our taxes and see if anyone calls bullshi+ on us.

Well, hope this letter finds you and yours all well and healthy. If any of you find the need to purchase a last-minute gift for one of us, we are sorely needin' some more rum for the fruitcake-baking, cuz we somehow keep a-runnin' out!

Walmart Shoppers Trifecta

Ok, I saw 3 GREAT Walmart-ians today while doing some last minute gift buying:
1) Woman who was in her black velour sweat pants and matching velour sweat jacket - I am to assume that she could not find the matching velour running shoes cuz HOME GIRL was BAREFOOT!!!!!!!!!!!
2) Butcherella put her LoneStar Card in the BOTTOM (no, I don't know how or why) of the card-slider-dealie and got it stuck, thus holding up one of the three express lanes that were open and taking a cashier and 2 customer service managers out of circulation for the rest of us to get any transactions completed! Hun, if you are gonna use da welfare, learn yo'self to use it right.
3) Botox Woman in line in front of us - too good to get her bags off of the carousel thing and load back into her basket once the cashier sacked 'em up (I'm assuming her dragon-claw manicure had something to do with it), so we waited for the cashier to walk around the end of the carousel and load her crap, which gave me the opportunity to look a little closer at her heavily-made-up face and notice that just above the botoxed lips was..... a MUSTACHE! Lawrd woman, I think the folks who poked and prodded you into your Barbie doll luster coulda handled that for you whilst they were pumping up your lips!

Movin' Out

Well, the construction people came to our faculty meeting this afternoon and told us all these fabulous tidbits like they weren't going to fix the roof on the old building when the started putting up the new building, we won't be able to go to the playground for a few weeks-to-months after Christmas, etc. After they told us that we would have to start being ready to move about December of next year, things got tense, and one of the teachers asked how much notice we would get before we were expected to move. She was worried about getting enough boxes to move her years of accumulated paraphernalia to a new location. I assured her that I planned on hanging out around a liquor store A LOT when the process started, so I could hook her up with some of those good liquor boxes.

Freakin' Spears Sisters!

How am I supposed to maintain my claim to white-trash-dom if there are TWO OF THEM running around getting knocked up and keepin' the babies? I can't keep up! I'm gonna have to go live in my trailer full time.

Stupid Yankees

Playing football IN THE SNOW! Whatever NFL teams it was that I was watching tonight. Morons in parkas and ski boots in the stands. We call that winter down here... and we close school.

Ana in the Auditorium

Ok - so I KNOW the restroom stalls at the Peyton Place High School auditorium were made for really skinny chicks. A big girl cannot get around in one of them to even hike up a skirt, re-adjust pantyhose, and the like. I have 2 theories on this situation: 1) The builder must think that we all come that small and they are encouraging anorexic behavior to all over size 8 who dare to enter the labyrinth of the stall-door/toilet/t.p.-holder that exists within. OR 2) They are really trying to deter bulimia cuz ain't no way a big girl can turn around to face the throne to throw up in there.

Rumrunner

My mother, in a selfishly blatant attempt to spend all of my inheritance on herself and her own amusement, has been involved in a near-international incident. The woman has an illness of some sort or other on almost every major organ in the human body, so she is on heart medication and oxygen. This does not deter her from picking up and hauling her pharmaceutically-endowed self all over the Seven Seas and going on a cruise right before Christmas. However, she chose to pack all her medical supplies, antibiotics, heart medications, and a mini-bar-sized bottle of rum all into one suitcase.

There are 2 points to consider here: 1) She claims she needed the rum since she was not sure if they would have any "good" rum in Hawaii for her to make homemade pina coladas in her ship cabin using fresh pineapple and coconut from the islands. 2)APPARENTLY it is against the law to smuggle a bottle of rum in your suitcase onto a cruise ship because the security of the cruise ship line and the ATF (Alcohol/Tobacco/Firearms) confiscated her bag o' drugs and liquor. I have visions of some poor drug dog somewhere going totally apeshi+ and practically having a seizure when it came across her bag. It probably needed her heart meds and oxygen by the time it got through sniffing that bag.

She found out because she got onto the ship and one of her bags was missing. THE bag. With all her meds and the replacement battery for her oxygen tank. She figured she would eventually truly NEED these things to stay ALIVE on her journey, so she called the cruise ship people to report the missing bag. They asked her to go down to the security office but would not tell her why. She naively assumed that they were going to fill out a report that it was stolen or something. Instead, she arrives and sees her bag laid open like the wrappings off of a Red Rider BB Gun on Christmas morning. She starts to approach the bag and examine the contents (knowing full-a$$ well that there was a bottle of rum in it), but the security guys wave her off. After seeing her oxygen tank and noticing the other medications in the bag, they just shook their heads, shook my step-dad's hand and let them have the dayum bag.

And y'all wonder why I'm the way I am...

Year of the Mismatched Angels

Well, it's not quite the Herdmans, but there is a special memory that the teachers at my school reminisce about every year. About 10 years ago we had this flower-child airhead music teacher that, bless her heart, meant well but had no clue about doing a Christmas program. She taught the kids the songs, selected the date, and secured the high school auditorium for the performance.

Instead of asking the children to just wear red or green shirts like all the other music teachers in the area or even asking for nice Sunday clothes, FlowerChild tells all the girls without a starring role to dress up as angels so they can be the heavenly choir singing blessings over the babe of Bethlehem. There were not less than 40 angels - some with glitter wings, one with butterflyish pink wings, wings made of posterboard and spraypaint, and tinfoil wings. Some of the cherubs had halos. Some wore sheets. There was even one little seraphim in a poncho/toga made from what I surmised to be an old white shower curtain. Or maybe it was a trash bag with the neck and sleeves cut out. We sat off to the side and snickered as they tumbled up the steps to the stage singing of all things Christmas. Our principal was in the row behind us, and he began to slide down in his seat as they pushed and shoved to their spots on the risers in a most unangelic manner. At this point we were desperately trying to stifle ourselves - many of the angels' wings were crooked and halos were falling off.

For Mary, the blessed mother, FlowerChild chose the most well-endowed 5th grade girl in the school. Onstage, there were props set up for the nativity scene - a bale of hay and one of those wood-slat fruit crate boxes for the manger. So, Mary-with-a-towel-on-her-head comes onstage with the baby (naked Cabbage Patch doll) tucked football-style under one arm like she's posing for a Heisman. She fumbles Jesus into the fruit crate and announces "I'm a virgin!" At this point our principal is practically in the floor behind our seats, and we can no longer contain ourselves because this is a small town and we all know Mary's kinfolk, thus we are predicting that her bold statement won't be true for too many more years.

I think it was the next year that FlowerChild got fired. Alas, I've not been able to laugh so hard at a Christmas program since then.

Hysterical-ectomy

I made this little treasure for Felix - it's a crocheted uterus!

I also provided her with a beaded spade necklace (cuz she's gonna get spayed!)
And Bi+chSlap made a uterus-shaped cake for her - I am not making this up - with Twizzlers for fallopian tubes and cupcakes for ovaries!

Beatin' Yo Kids

Mama done been to jail! BWAHAHAHHAHA!