This Counts, Doesn't It?

I think that a restraining order from Rick Springfield would be just as good as a fan club membership certificate.

Day Late, Dollar Short

Well, looks like someone else beat me to another one of my million-dollar ideas...

Ultimate White Trash Tattoo

I think that a tattoo of a thong across my backside would be a real time-saver, don't y'all?

Felix says I can have no more alcohol. Ever.

The Ultimate White Trash Hairstyle

Wouldn't this be great.... a mullet AND a rat tail

Thunderduck called it a Mull Rat

Diet Coke Break

Forgot a little news from the meeting today -
We were informed that the "real" construction on the new school building could begin as early as next week...

That means the middle-aged, plumber-pants-wearing, beer-gut men driving forklifts and bobcats will be gone - and replaced by REAL construction workers - about 25 years of age with hammers and no shirts.

This Girl Can't Help It

They should just ban me from faculty meetings. The problem is, I am a smart-mouth. Especially when I am bored. And let's face it, faculty meetings are boring.

So.
Principal announces to the paras that on our 1/2 day inservice next week, one of the school board members will be SOMEWHERE in the district presenting a workshop to help them if they are interested in obtaining a degree/certification. They are not sure WHERE she will be as of yet, but just let them know if you are seeking a degree.
And WTP says: You will be given a map, a compass, and a sack lunch. If you can find where she is (like Waldo), then you get the degree!

Also - we had to watch the training video for the new AED device (defibrillator). Please understand that if anything bores the WTP more than a faculty meeting, it is a training video at a faculty meeting.
We were assured that we would probably not have to worry about ever having to use it ourselves because there were lots of CPR trained staff on campus who would be able to do it - D@mn! I wanted it to use like a cattle prod on some of my less cooperative students.

Then they offer us the opportunity to go through CPR training AFTER school on XYZ days - uh, no.
The only dummy I'll be putting my lips on during my off-hours would be MyPoolBoy. And sometimes DrunkenFelix.

Also - this big announcement: We will add this AED video to our yearly beginning-of-the-year training video watching. Woo Hoo! A triple feature! Blood-borne Pathogens in the Workplace/ Diabetes and You / AED Device

I think I'll need popcorn AND Milkduds.

Oh THIS Sucks!

Listen to the announcers before she gives her answer. Oops!
All the players are laughing at him.... and then he gets escorted off the court by some giant-a$$ mouse/bear creature.
Watch to the end and you'll see that at least someone bought the poor sumbi+ch a big ole beer!

FreeCycle Laughs

2 posts on FreeCycle boards today cracked my a$$ totally up

1) Wanted: Wedding Dress - upon further reading, we learn that the posting person is getting married in July and needs size 22-24 dress with sleeves.

Not only is she ok with a used wedding dress, she needs a BIG used wedding dress!

2) Wanted: Single Man Camper, Old is OK

I don't even need to add comments on this one. Funny how a simple hyphen would have made all the difference in that post!

Sad News

There was a car wreck out on the highway yesterday and 3 teens were killed, including a former student of mine. My student's Mom was driving - they say the weather caused it, I'm just sick. I also taught her younger son with my "loop" class 3rd/4th grade.

Younger brother was with dad. Baby brother is in a different hospital from mom.

I always knew that this day would come sooner or later - I just always hoped it would be MUCH later

I wish I didn't love all my kids so much...

Prayers would be appreciated.

White Trash Guitar

Feathers for Felix

Felix keeps telling everyone that she's finding feathers from my boa all over her house since the big 4-0 debauchery. My new layout is in her honor - cuz she is sick with the flu or something today.

Baby You Can Drive My Car

After a few glasses of wine & beer at the PlaceWhereIAmNotAllowedToYellTheFWordAnymore, DrunkenFelix and I began to plot a 25th anniversary celebration for MyPoolBoy and me.

1) We will have to go to Vegas. Felix and I and MyPoolBoy if there is enough money.

2) We will coordinate the timing with a Rick Springfield concert. MyPoolBoy will get Rick to propose to me onstage. This is a diversion from MyPoolBoy proposing to me, cuz Felix decided I would much rather marry Rick if I had a 2nd chance at marriage.

3) The wedding will be performed by an Elvis impersonator at one of those cheesy Vegas/ Graceland chapels.

4)I will lose my virginity to Rick Springfield. At this point MyPoolBoy is no longer involved in his own anniversary at all. What adds to the miraculousness of this part of the plot is the fact that my uterus is practically a clown car after 4 kids, so I don't know how we're going to handle the whole revirgination deal.

Here is where the list was interrupted by someone DrunkerThanMe. DrunkerThanMe decided that we were really fun people - she had been eavesdropping for a while. She began drunkenly singing Jessie's Girl and hugging all over us, her new best friends. We got up to go about the same time that she did, and we noticed that she was in no condition to walk, much less drive. Felix managed to get her keys and MyPoolBoy and I got her out the door to find her car. We were going to have me drive her home in her car and Felix was going to ride in the back and MyPoolBoy was going to follow in the truck, but it was a stick shift so Felix and I switched places - besides Felix said I would be better at being the talk-y bi+ch in the back seat and she could do the driving.

Got DrunkerThanMe home and I asked her to show me the restroom to stall her out of the room while Felix hid her keys behind a picture frame on the counter. DrunkerThanMe went to go get something out of the kitchen and Felix and I high-tailed it out of there.

H3ll I hope that girl didn't have to go anywhere anytime soon. At least she made it home alive.

Cereal Killer

Thanks to my email complaint to the cafeteria director, they will no longer be serving cereal as a lunch entree option to the kids at school.

I am the cereal killer.

Valentine's Drama

First announcement came at about 8:45 - Do not allow students to distribute suckers on puppy/kitty valentines from Dollar General as they have been recalled.

Next announcement was at 9:30ish - Please take up any SpongeBob valentines from HEB as they have been recalled also.

Another announcement at 10ish - Do not pass out Looney Tunes candy necklace or candy bracelet Valentines as these are also on the recall list.

Finally - take up all candy attached to Valentines. A letter will go home to parents who want to come pick up the candy later to take home.

My guess is that the little bite sized Snickers will mysteriously disappear.

Also - after school, one of the girls in another class is standing outside with her Valentine's box. It has been covered in mint-green paper and scrawled across the end of the box with purple marker "Love Hurts"

I guess it does when you are 8 years old and the school personnel takes up all your Valentine's candy!

Oh Macy Gray.....

I swear that's what this ole boy says! Did they break up? Did she try to say goodbye and HE choked?

Seriously, one of the most fitful laughing attacks I've had in a while... You MUST watch to the end because he tries to spice it up a little - the folks who sing along are a true testimony to MERCY - all the amens are because someone FINALLY came and took his mike away.



Poor dude sounds like a cat being dragged backwards by its tail through a pool of jalapeno juice with its eyes wide open.

Celebrity Look-Alikes

Ok, so here is who I supposedly resemble (74% Raquel Welch! WTF!)


But here's the best part:
MyPoolBoy looks like Albert Einstein, Al Pacino, and Snoop Dogg!!!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Well.... yum

oops... now there's drool on the keyboard

I'm having impure thoughts....

Public Service for Felix

Now that Felix has high-speed internet instead of dial-up (this IS Mullet County, y'all), I don't want my best friend to have to suffer through all the non-Granny Tarnnia videos on YouTube just to find the best ones - and I don't want to have to keep going and forwarding them all to her (I have reality tv shows that take up most of my time).

So, here are some of them:

Meet Granny - in which we are introduced to Granny for the first time - "Danged grandkids"

Without a Blanket - not really funny, but you need to see this to understand the next one

Without a Blanket 2 - "Let me tell you something, little sweet pea...I will whoop your a$$ where you won't be able to speak - or fart"

Granny Drinks a Lot - "I'm stepping in the dayum cat litter"

My Latest Painting - "This is trash"

Granny's Very 1st Video - "I won't cuss you out no mo'"

Granny & Nigel Part One - Nigel SOOOOO reminds me of Scooter!

Granny & Nigel Part Two - "That mutha -f*($ing dog"

Granny Grabs the Camera - "I took all her furniture and I done sold that $hit on Ebay"

Back Home from Retard Camp

Granny Packin for Florida - another one that is a prequel to the funny stuff

Granny Checks In

Unpacking - "awwwww h3llllllll no"

Granny Meets Gladis - here we are, Felix!!!!!! "I'm gonna go take her cookie"

Old People Talk - "I'm sittin' on my ti++iy"

Too Many Cookies

Cookies Exiting the System

Cookie Interrogation - "I only had glaze on the bottom"

Sittin' with Gladis - "I hear you talkin' about me - I got my hearing aid"

A Letter from Tarnnia - "Does this smell good?"

Gladis Got a Knife - "Oh, Snap Johnson!"

Amazing Grace - "Satan's in your throat!"

Granny & Gladis Bickering - "Take these balloons..." & "I'm TIRED of you..."

Drunk Old Ladies

Gladis Got the Gossip - "I think she was f*($ing Pedro"

She's Back

Tarnnia Gone Fishin - "You is one stupid kid"

Breaking Out of Bondage - "This is straight-up Jurassic Park"

Halloween Drama - "If you don't get me some candy..."

Merry Christmas - "My eyes have seen the glory"

Granny's Pass Me Down - "You're like that nature child that needs to be shot"

He Humps - Nigel has a Jake the Air Humping Perv Dog moment

Granny Visits My New Home

Nose Piercing - "What kind of slu+s you been hanging around?"

Ok, I Got Drunk! - "It's too late for this nonsense"

I'm Not a Promiscuous Girl - "I'm having a party" / "In your dayum bathtub?"

Hungover - "Oh, Jesus, you is not alive still?"

Me Playing the Guitar - listen to the the lyrics of the song... cuz Granny kills it on the next video

Granny Playing the Guitar - "I learned that in jail"

Yoga is Demonic - "Do you have unworthy idols?"

Ridin Dirty -

Granny Gon' Wild - this is Felix on her Harley in about 40 years

Locked Out - "Nigel, Nigel, Nigel..."

Augusta Wants to Be My Friend

Got this message in my email for my MySpace account. I clicked on the profile. Augusta lives in New York, has overly-botoxed lips (or unfortunate genetic circumstances), and only 7 friends, including Tom. One of Augusta's friends appears to be naked in her profile photo.

DENY

Caught!

Tuesday morning I arrived at school a little early and was greeted with the unmistakable pungent aroma of eau de skunk. A little later (after the sun came up) someone spotted the critter as it ran under the building right by the entrance to the cafeteria. So, someone called Animal Control and they came and put out a live trap with some canned cat food by the building. We waited.

Yesterday morning I got there fairly early and saw that we had a raccoon in the live trap. I looked at the poor guy, and offered up an apology from the whole human race to him for his false imprisonment. He was let go, and the trap was set again.

This morning, I walked by the trap and saw that we had our suspect. A bit later Barney Fife from Animal Control gets there and I see him, our principal, and an assortment of our maintenance department's finest out in the area near the trap. Barney Fife decided he needed to throw a quilt over the cage and then attach a rope or chain or something to it and DRAG the cage so he wouldn't get sprayed.

Well, he didn't get sprayed, but I choked back laughter as I looked upon the scene -Barney Fife dragging a blanket-covered cage across the lawn, maintenances guys standing around watching (not much of a stretch from the norm), and our principal carrying one of those poles with the loop at the end like he was Jim from Wild Kingdom.

The skunk, however, did not think it was as funny as I did and he apparently released some sort of SuperSoaker projectile skunk scent as he was dragged, confined, across the ground. The smell hit an a/c unit and was subsequently sucked up into the ductwork and wafted through the vents of every room and hallway of the entire building, including the cafeteria.

If Bubba had been there I guess we could've have gotten a paintball gun and determined if the skunk was pregnant or not.

Immature Humor

I cracked up at least a FEW of the kids in my class today... One of the girls was reading a book about a school talent show and how one of the characters was planning to dance to a Britney Spears song - I said, "What? The dance where you shave your head and get carted off in an ambulance?" About 5 of them cracked up totally. I had blank stares from the rest of them. At least I know who watches the news at home now.

Where I Was Saturday Night

Pictures are worth a thousand words, right? MyPoolBoy convinced the bouncer that he is really JESSE and they let him up right next to the stage to take pictures. There's nothing that love and Patron won't make a man do for his woman!

They wouldn't let me up there though. Guess I looked like a threat to Rick's security or something.

Anyway, I guess after paper, cotton, china, whatever, that the 21st anniversary is supposed to be a smokin' hot piece of a$$.

Bling!

Crown & Coke doesn't mix with Superglue and rhinestones.

Don't leave these items unattended around a white trash woman. MyPoolBoy discovered me happily blinging my mp3 player and my purse handle.