Drunk-Alongs

This is my list for the next cd that I will probably put together for the Lucilles. Guaranteed to make even DrunkenFelix the Self-Proclaimed Tone-Deaf Wonder sing out loud.

H3ll, singing badly beats puking in the yard, hitting on your friend's husband, or peeing down your leg. Now I probably need to get drunk and see which ones I will actually sing with...so that I can burn a cd this weekend and take it for a trial run to the BIG SECRET SLUMBER PARTY on Friday the 13th. (Our secretary is leaving, and we are giving her a surprise going away party by having her husband dump her at Felix's house that night!)

Drunk-Alongs
1.
Love Will Keep Us Together
Captain And Tennille
2.
Delta Dawn
Tanya Tucker
3.
Tubthumping
Chumbawumba
4.
Rhinestone Cowboy
Glen Campbell
5.
The Love Boat
Jack Jones
6.
Hotel California
Eagles
7.
Sweet Caroline
Neil Diamond
8.
Bohemian Rhapsody
Queen
9.
The Boys are Back In Town
Thin Lizzy
10.
The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia
Vickie Lawrence
11.
Sister Christian
Night Ranger
12.
American Pie
Don Mclean
13.
Friends In Low Places
Garth Brooks
14.
Build Me Up Buttercup
Herman's Hermits
15.
500 Miles
The Proclaimers
16.
You Never Even Call Me By My Name
David Allen Coe
17.
Come Sail Away
Styx
18.
Fight For Your Right To Party
Beastie Boys
19.
Wasted Days And Wasted Nights
Freddy Fender
20.
Ring of Fire
Johnny Cash
21.
Shout
Jackie Wilson
22.
Livin' On A Prayer
Bon Jovi
23.
Summer Nights
From: Grease
24.
Don't Bring Me Down
ELO
25.
Come On Eileen
Dexy's Midnight Runners

Sad News

Jake the Air-Humping PervDog may be really sick. Felix's niece says that she fed him some of that recalled dog food! He is going to the vet today.

Meme about Cars

1. What kind of automobile do you drive?
Dodge Durango

2. What kind of automobile do you WISH you drove?
Mercedes or some old antique

3. When is the last time you bought a vehicle (new or used)?
about 2 years ago (but never for ME)

4. What is your color of choice as far as vehicles go?
navy

5. Do you regularly have your oil changed?
no

6. How long do you generally keep a vehicle before thinking about buying a new one?
until it falls apart or someone gives me their hand-me down so they can get a new one

7. What kind of automobile will you buy next?
who knows?

Dachshund Porn

So Last night DrunkenFelix invites MyPoolBoy and I over to her mother's to hang out after we had gone to Chili's to celebrate the March faculty b-days with the Lucilles. Basically the premise was this: Felix's niece lives in a trailer and there was a tornado watch for a town that is 2 counties over. So Niece doesn't want to stay in her trailer during the night. She brings her husband, her child, a little black Dachshund named Jake and her rabbit in it's cage. She also has in tow a big Rubbermaid bucket full of toys that did not get played with the whole time I was there for the aforementioned child.

Felix had brought her 2 OLD AND FAT Dachshunds and calls me and tells me that she is bringing her pajamas and to bring mine and we will just get comfortable and hang out. So I did. MyPoolBoy gets some BanaRamaShi+ and we head on over.

Upon arriving we take our likker out to the fridge on the back porch and Jake the little black Dachshund follows us out there through the doggy door - even though the patio door was still open. Felix comments on how skinny he looks (his ribs WERE showing) and she inquired of Niece's husband if he was sick - no, but they were probably going to have to take him to the vet to find out why he had lost all this weight.

Anyhoo - we got into our pj's and sat on the steps from the kitchen to the den and proceeded to drink BanaRamaShi+ from a Santa Claus wine glass. (Having way too much fun already) We watch Jake the Little Black Dachshund follow Felix's Dachshund's around and try to hump on them. A bit later we witness the poor little perv humping the air as he walked from room to room - every where he went he was humping - couldn't even walk straight ---- I surmised that THAT was why the poor creature was so thin! He was exercising himself to anorexic-looking proportions!

As the evening wore on and the BanaRamaShi+ grew low, we also got to see the 2 old fat Dachshunds humping each other (girl on girl) Not only that but one of them actually LAID ON HER BACK while the other got on top! I asked Felix where her dogs might have learned THAT behavior BWAHAHAHAHAHA! All the while poor Jake the PervDog is standing by helplessly watching as he humped the non-responsive air.

And then we came home.

No more PG-13 movies for this kid!

Tickled - and sober!

Felix and I got completely hysterical laughing this morning at our early morning meeting with the principal this morning. First we were laughing cuz the principal said that the architecture firm that is making the plans for our new school building "will have a drawing next week sometime" we both thought he meant like a RAFFLE drawing, not an architectural sketch and we just died laughing. Then Felix said that she figured out that if we got arrested for public intoxication downtown they would put us in the back room with "the bench" in the police station. From there we could dig a tunnel through the wall to the new sports bar and get back to drinking!!!!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I swear we were laughing so hard that she had her face buried in her jacket and I had tears rolling down my face.
It takes so very little to entertain us....sadly.

I also found out that it takes a whole fresh pineapple or 7 cans of pineapple to make a liter of infused vodka.
This I must do.

I found another one!

This is where my tuition money is going??????

I have failed & under pressure

Well, I discovered that Bartender's Choice Bananas Over You is THE SHI+!!!!!!

MyPoolBoy and I downed 2 bottles of it last night and I got DUH-RUNK!
However, I still have vodka left so I have failed at Spring Break.

Anyhooo we went shopping this afternoon and I took my blood pressure and it was 117 over 72 -- The lowest it's been in 4 years! I told MyPoolBoy that I must've really needed Spring Break - and that I should not go back to school for health reasons!

And if you have not seen Borat yet - you HAVE to!!!!!

Spring Break Kickoff

First of all, we had to go to RC Grill because one of the 4th grade teachers said that a couple of their students told a bunch of kids on the playground that she goes to the RBar every weekend cuz they saw her there a couple of weeks ago. So - Felix and I managed to get the h3ll out of Dodge before all the kids were even picked up from the car-rider circle! So after a couple of Almond Joy martinis at the house and getting MyPoolBoy to drive me up there before he had to go to run the scoreboard at the girls' soccer game, he got me and Felix a couple of pitchers of some sort of ale (which we obligingly drank) and then the bartender was the son of one of the Lucilles (another third grade teacher) and he asked me why we went to RBar instead of there every week - insert foreshadowing here - I told him it was because they let me wear my boa and they named a drink after me -- he asked me about the drink and I tried to explain The Princess to him. He made one, but he added Malibu rum, which added an interesting twist but it just wasn't the same. ANYWAY - after the ale was gone and the Princess was gone, and Bi+chslap bought me another Princess, I started to get LOUD (as usual) and BartenderBoy came to ask me to quiet down (we were on the patio outside) so I told him and Felix and Bi+chslap that THAT was why we always go to RBar - cuz they let me get as loud as I want and we aren't even outside!

SOOO - the game got over and MyPoolBoy came back right about the time that everyone started to split up and leave, so we started home -- but Felix said that they were going to RBar from there, so MyPoolBoy and I came to check on the kids and then he took me to RBar - they were not there, we stood inside RBar a few minutes and asked KimmyMakerOfPrincesses if they had been there yet. I had some guy at the bar laughing while I called her (by saying Cr@ckwhore into my voice-dial LOL) and the GuyAtTheBar yelled - Red rover red rover let Cr@ackwhore come over! SO Felix says that she and Bi+chslap are in the lounge area of RCGrill and to meet them there - MyPoolBoy was going to come do something else while I was with them. Anyway - I go and we decided that we should go get BartenderBoy's mom and kidnap her (yes, we were very drunk). Well, we left, and after Felix attempted to do a handstand in the parking lot, we drove the back roads to get her.

We stumbled across her yard and knocked on the door - and we THOUGHT we saw a tv on in the window so we started singing Delta Dawn to get her attention, but all we heard inside was the dog barking. So we called her cell phone and tried to get her to answer and ended up leaving a bunch of voicemails for her. Lawrd she's gonna hate us! Well, then Felix tries to open the front door and it wasn't locked so we shut it real quick and THEN when she tried it again it was locked - we don't know if there was someone behind the door and they locked us out or if they were all out of the house and we just locked THEM out!
So, that adventure being a wash, we decided to go find BagLady cuz we knew she was staying with MrRightNow over the weekend cuz his kids were gonna be with their mom. So we go knock on the door and sing Delta Dawn thinking that we would catch them mid-coitus (this word alone gave DrunkenFelix and Bi+chslap enormous cause to start laughing to pants-peeing proportions - I coulda said they were bangin' like a screen door in a hurricane, but I have more class than that!) - and his MOTHER answers the door - and Felix tells her we are there to see BagLady so she goes and gets her. I asked her if we caught them mid-coitus, which makes Felix and Bi+chslap howl laughing so loud that the neighbors' dog starts raising h3ll. THEN Felix did her handstand in the yard. GAWD!
Well, we call MyPoolBoy and tell him to meet us and Bi+chslap's hubby at Oneills. We got there and there was a band of old geezers that obviously had left their hearing aids at home and thought that just cuz they couldn't hear themselves play that no one else must be able to hear them either - I was drunk and partying and I left because they were too loud. Basically someone needed to educate the idiots that if you are playing a small venue where people are trying to socialize, then TOO DAYUM LOUD is too loud. We walked across the street to RBar and hung out for a while. And RedRover was still there! SO we jacked with him for a while and then headed out around the time the RBar was closing.

I got drunk enough to spill candle wax all over my new tennis shoes. Caca.
Ideas I got though: I simply must make White Trash Princess dollars sometime over spring break, and we decided that we all need Lucille cards to carry in our wallets.

Dear mother of sweet little 8 pound baby Jesus laying in the manger

I'm plowed. I have been drinking some of them thar almond joy martinis - 3 to be exact. I've been on an online drink mixing site looking up random words searching for drinks to make --- I amuse myself way too dayum easily.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Banned camper quote: "Whoops, I totally forgot to lose 30 pounds!"

MyPoolBoy asked me to help him answer a question about his Travel and Tourism class: "What are the forces that affect the rail travel system in the US" My response was gravity cuz it holds the train on the tracks. He does not appreciate me at all.

Watchin WickerMan - weird movie....

You were a Girl Scout Cookie

Girl Scout Cookie

1/2 oz Bailey's® Irish cream
1/2 oz Kahlua® coffee liqueur
1/2 oz peppermint schnapps
Pour ingredients into a stainless steel shaker over ice, and shake until completely cold. Strain into an old-fashioned glass, and serve.

It's just called a Girl Scout Cookie - takes me back to "Heathers" when Heather Chandler tries to explain to Veronica why she could never be a Heather - because "You were a Bluebird. You were a Brownie. You were a Girl Scout Cookie."

Sounds good- Reese's Martini

Peanut Butter Cup Martini
3 oz Frangelico® hazelnut liqueur
2 oz DeKuyper® Buttershots liqueur
2 oz Godiva® chocolate liqueur
2 oz half-and-half

Combine ingredients in a shaker with ice, shake, strain into an old-fashioned glass straight up or on the rocks. (Note: you can substitute any chocolate liqueur for the Godiva including dark creme de cacao, Vermeer, Bailey's Irish cream, or Cask & Creme Chocolate Temptation. If you use a cream liqueur you can cut down on the half and half.)

Here's another - with Bailey's
Peanut Butter Cup Martini
1 oz Kahlua® coffee liqueur
1 oz Frangelico® hazelnut liqueur
1 oz Bailey's® Irish cream
5 oz milk
Pour the Kahlua coffee liqueur, Frangelico hazelnut liqueur and Bailey's irish cream into a hurricane glass filled with ice cubes. Fill with milk, stir well, and serve.

hmmmm... pbj martini

PEANUT BUTTER & JELLY MARTINI

2 parts ABSOLUT VODKA
1 part Black Currant Liqueur
1 part Hazelnut Liqueur
1 part Strawberry Puree
Strawberry
Shake with ice and strain to a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with strawberry.

Oreo Shot

I can't find an Oreo Martini

aka Oreo Speedwagon
Ingredients
1 oz.
Kahlua®
1 oz.
Creme de Cacao
1 oz.
Bailey's Irish Cream®
1 Splash
Vodka
Directions:
Layer Kahlua, Creme de Cacao, and Bailey's (on top), then top with a splash of vodka.

Somebody stop me! - Root Beer Martini

Root Beer Martini
Ingredients:
1 ounce infused vanilla vodka
1/2 ounce root beer schnapps
Hand-whipped cream

Directions:
Pour over ice in a tumbler and shake. Strain into a martini glass. Top with the whipped cream. For a less "powerful" drink, you can use regular root beer.

Somebody simply must go to the liquor store - Key Lime Pie Martini

Key Lime Pie Martini
An adult dessert in a glass! Freezing the vodka makes this icy good!
by Rita L
1 servings

3 tablespoons liquor vanilla liqueur
1 tablespoon lemon-flavored vodka
2 tablespoons key lime juice or fresh lime juice
2 tablespoons heavy cream

Garnish
1 lime wedge
1/8 teaspoon finely crushed graham cracker crumbs


Chill martini glass.
In a shaker filled with ice combine Liquor 43,vodka,key-lime juice& heavy cream.
Shake till shaker is icy cold to hold.
Rub rim of chilled glass with lime wedge then dip into graham and strain drink into martini glass.

I Absolut-ly (HA!) do not have 30 days worth of patience

Homemade Pineapple Vodka
1 x pineapple, trimmed and cut into small pieces
1 1/2 litres vodka
1 cup sugar
1 cup water

Directions:
Place pineapple chunks in a large jar or resealable container.
Pour in vodka and store in the refrigerator for 7 days.
Place the sugar and water in a small saucepan and bring to a boil until the sugar has completely dissolved.
Set aside to cool and then refrigerate until ready to use.
Strain the vodka from the pineapple into a clean jar, pressing down on the fruit to extract every bit of juice.
Pour in the syrup and refrigerate for 30 days.

Red Velvet Cookies

Good heavenly days - I have to make a whole new category for this post.

Red Velvet Cookies
1 box Duncan Hines Red Velvet Cake Mix
2 eggs
1/3 cup vegetable oil

Mix all ingredients together. Roll into balls and place on a lightly greased cookie sheet. Flatten down slightly (depending on the thickness you desire). Bake at 375 degrees F until the tops crackle (about 8 to 10 minutes) or until desired doneness.
Cool, then frost.

Cream Cheese Frosting
8 ounces cream cheese, softened
1/4 cup butter, softened
2 teaspoons milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
4 cups confectioners' sugar
Beat cream cheese, butter, milk and vanilla extract in a medium bowl with electric mixer on low speed until smooth.Gradually beat in confectioners' sugar on low speed, 1 cup at a time, until smooth and spreadable. Refrigerate any remaining frosting.

Chocolate Cream Cheese Frosting:
Add 2 ounces unsweetened baking chocolate, melted and cooled, with the butter.

More yum - Carmel Apple Martini

Ingredients:
4Part(s)Vodka
2Part(s)Apple Mixer
1Part(s)Butterscotch Schnapps
Instructions:Shake with ice, pour and enjoy!

(I think this might be better if you back off on the vodka)

Here' another fave - Dreamsicle Martini

Dreamsicle Martini

2 parts vanilla vodka
3 parts Sunkist orange soda

Shake over ice and strain into martini glass.

(I've also had this with a dash of vanilla coffee liqueur/flavoring added - extra yum!)

I also need a life....

Movie quotes going on at Banned Camp. My fave is in Heathers when Veronica says about her friends: "It's just like - they're people I work with, and our job is being popular and shit!"

Oh, and "But why's the rum gone?"

I need a drink! Butterscotch Sundae Martini

Dayum this sounds good!

Butterscotch Sundae·
2 parts Vodka ·
1 part Butterscotch Schnapps·
1 part Creme de Cacao·
cherry

Mix and shake in shaker and strain into martini glass. Garnish with a cherry.

Friday Night Blues

Sittin' at home on the first Friday that I haven't been sick in weeks! No vodka - no princesses - no R-Bar. Heaven help me.

MyPoolBoy bought me a pair of opera-length leopard print gloves to wear with my WTP kit - but lawrd they are so cheesy. Only a man!

Felix has plans to go to Houston to visit her brother, so she is off like a cheap prom dress.

BagLady had MrRightNow's kids in her room after school, so I am assuming that SHE has plans that don't include me, for sure!

MyPoolBoy is in the press box of the girls' soccer game, and I am here with Lurch and Chunk and the menagerie of worthless animals that we own. Been reading BannedCamp a little ("drunk makes you kiss sometimes") and thinking about doing a little school stuff. I made some new math bulletin board things to go with Mountain Math so that it fits the TEKS better, and then I'll probably order the Question of the Day stuff next year to go with it - it should be very comprehensive. My other thing is to get this 6 weeks' curriculum chart done and get lesson plans for next week hammered out - cuz I need to get some stuff on the walls for Public School Week! Then I figure over spring break I will work on the bulletin board science stuff that I want to create. Felix is going to order one that just posts vocabulary and then gives the kids a worksheet with one question per day. I like the idea of having them write in science, but for $75 I would like to have more than some worksheets and a word wall for cripes' sake.

Please let MyPoolBoy get through early enough to go buy me something upon which to imbibe!

Dear Dumb Bi+ch 02.27.07

Picture it - the meeting our grade level had this a.m. with our campus admin

RE: The information we heard from the LOWER grade levels who were invited to attend a workshop to jump on the latest language arts bandwagon for our district (whereby we will be teaching all subjects, including math, through reading!) and at which the presenter told everyone that if a student is not on grade level by the time they leave you it is your fault as a teacher (which I don't personally have a problem with, because for our grade it is mandated by the state anyway!)

Dear Dumb Bi+ch:

In light of your overwhelming expertise in the field of elementary curriculum (from your administrative post-graduate degree after spending a few years teaching high school music!), I have the following issue with the latest language arts program that you are shoving down our throats. It has been brought to my attention that this new upheavel in our teaching methods is all "supported by scientific research." I would like to interject that the existence of Bigfoot is supported by scientific research also, but that doesn't mean that I am going to jump in on that line of crap either!

Drunker. Than. Me.

Felix and I went to the new sports bar downtown after school on Friday. Corporal Punishment was supposed to start playing at 7:20 pm, so we deemed ourselves to be their unofficial designated stalkers and go hang out and listen to them. Upon walking in, we immediately felt the x-ray vision of about 20 eyes on our chest areas. The place was full of geezers and a couple of rednecks. No other women except the waitress. We decided to stake out a table near the front where the band was to be set up, and around 5pm the manager introduced Jose - a guy he had hired off the street to perform as the warm-up act. By this time a few more Lucilles had shown up and of course we had had enough beer to make us immediately screech "Jose the Betrayer" and raise our glasses/bottles to the poor dude. He was pretty good, but he was TOO DAYUM LOUD and we couldn't talk. Add that to the choking visible smoke in the place (which I contend was not smoke but palpable testosterone) and we felt the need to retreat to the familiar confines of the R-Bar and get something to eat.

So across Main Street we stumbled, walking right in front of the police station, and around the corner to our comfort zone. MyPoolBoy showed up a few minutes later, and we got something to eat, and I downed a Princess Martini and got to wear my boa and tiara for a while. After the Lucilles left (around 8ish) Felix and MyPoolBoy and I proceeded to make the trek back across the street to the sports bar. We got a smaller table next to the dance floor and right across from the band. MyPoolBoy bought Yagermeister shots for the band (he and LeadSinger have this thing about buying each other shots in order to see who can make the other one ask random women for rides home). They were running pretty good and on the dance floor was this poor woman in a white sweater outfit-thing that she was too old for. Sadder than that was the fact that both her pinky toes were hanging over the outside of the straps of her sandals! And she was DRUNKER - THAN - ME! Doing that 60s/70s holding-up-an-imaginary-lighter-at-an-imaginary-concert dance that old hippies do. And right in front of my boss...who I will admit is ok-looking for an older man and the guitar sure doesn't make him look all principal-ish...but he seemed annoyed at best. It was a riot! Boss'sWife was sitting a the bar behind us and we were laughing our @sses off!

A little while later, MyPoolBoy had to go pick up Lurch from the soccer game and while he was gone, the OldestManInThePlace came and asked me to dance. Much to DrunkenFelix's delight, I accepted and she shot a few camera phone photos of OldestManInThePlace twirling me around the dance floor.

OH OH OH OH OH! I almost forgot that I got to meet "I'm on Cialis and I still have 9 hours left" man in person, too!

Well, Boss'sWife had a few older lady-friends with her and I let them see and use the boa and tiara - they were so cute and delighted. One of them told me that if she ever decided to become a writer that she would definitely use my advice that "everyone should have a tiara - I keep one in my purse."

All in all a good night. I'm almost well, I think.
TAKS is in 2 days. LAWRD.

Betty Grable

You are Betty Grable

The ultimate girl next door You're the perfect girl for most guys Pretty yet approachable. Beautiful yet real.

What Famous Pinup Are You?

Well, today we discussed the fact that my temperature was 96.7 degrees last night. That is NOT a typo. I was 2 degrees BELOW normal when I got home yesterday. So, I figured that I must be dead and my body is cooling. And I think that I look pretty d@mn good for dead. Not so great for a live person, but really not bad at all for a corpse.

Another random thought - my mouth runneth over, ya know - We are at lunch and someone asked if any of us ever heard what happed to the guy you kidnapped those two boys in Missouri and I HAD to say that I had heard that he was being held for testing. And like a fool (you think they'd know me better by now) someone asked, "What testing?" (thank you for opening this door for me -- sucker!) To which I got to spout off: He's being DNA tested to see if he is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby! hahahahahahhaha

I know, I should be ashamed of myself.
But I'm not.

VD is for Everybody

Happy Valentine's Day you gutter brains!

Size 8 & Wasted

I am wearing my size 8 tan LizWear pants! Not tight (a little snug - but not tight)
I felt pretty good this a.m. after I worked out. (It would be nice if I could lose that other pound and a half by Saturday!)
BTW - I worked out.

AND I have decided that part of my downer days while I was sick was that my mp3 player had no battery and I was going into Rick Withdrawal.
I've had it on since I worked out - while I did my hair, etc. My mood and energy is definitely better than it was when I first woke up. I have been jamming to "Wasted" over and over and over since about 6:15. One good thing about this song is that you can type it all with one hand leaving the other hand free for drinking your coffee - if it was not a morning before school there would sure as shootin' be Bailey's in the coffee!




The next 3-4 days are gonna suck. I have TAKS training today and soccer games tonight. Then tomorrow is the Valentine's Party and Thursday is an ARD and faculty meeting. Friday is soccer. LAWRD.

I'm So Proud

There is a video of my son on YouTube boxing in the dorms with a very large guy known only as "Bunga"



Where did I go wrong?

Looky What MyPoolBoy Bought Me!

Fits neatly into the box shown, travel-sized. Definitely going with me everywhere I go in my purse. These flamingos will see more than their fair share of Princess Martinis!

Sock Monkey Porn

I simply can NOT make this shi+ up! Another BannedCamper find:
InsaneDomain

Pick-Up Line

Almost as good as "I'm on Cialias and I still have 9 hours left!"

Your Pickup Line Is

No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?

The Magical Pick Up Line Generator

This Scares Me a Little

Ok, assuming this is a RANDOM generator - Good Lawrd it is too early in the morning for this kind of prophecy to be jumpin up at me! He's on my good side today, so I'll just go with it!

Your True Love's Name Is

Jesse P.

What's Your True Love's Name?

I can only hypothesize that the P stands for PimpDaddy!

Another Random Thought from Banned Camp

When animals fart do you think they really know what is going on and just act like they are confused to try to cover their embarrassment?

Good Grief! I need to go to bed and get some sleep!

Hard Up

Here it is Friday night.
I am taking cold medicine out of MEDICAL NEED - which takes all the fun out of THAT.

MyPoolBoy tried to call Felix to babysit me at RBar but no go cuz her PoolBoy/ManSlave is coming back into town tonight. Well, MyPoolBoy is in the pressbox at the stadium running the clock and scoreboard for the girls' soccer team. Lurch is at his soccer game out of town and it was deemed that I was too sick to sit out in the cold to watch either one. So here I am - Chunk is in the other room having complete fits of euphoria over the mushroom pizza that Domino's delivered-letting the Weasel out the front door and halfway down the street- necessitating his running down the road after her like a fool in flipflops.

BUT we got the Weasel back inside and snapped a few photos of her impressions of other dog breeds. It is our never-ending quest to figure out what the h3ll kind of dog she really is! Fun at parties! Call your friends to join in! Here is the home version of the game:

Voila! Weasel as a Doberman:












And here is Weasel as a Bassett Hound:












Weasel also impersonates Corgis:









Is Weasel a Sharpei?











Look out! Weasel has RABIES!












You can go ahead and weep, shedding a few tears for my utterly sad pathetic existence of a Friday night. Chock full 'o fun, huh?

Uncanny! and are we supposed to be Jesus now?

Which Historical Lunatic Are You?

From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

Wow! Read the bio on this guy -- dead on!

Dayum! Sumbi+ch had money printed with his face on it and some establishments that he frequented even accepted it as legal currency! I wonder if RBar would take pink WTP Bucks? I've simply gotta make some money -- literally! It's not counterfeiting if you are making your own is it?

I think I should start with a $69 bill!
BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

MyPoolBoy said I should use them as my classroom dollars at school. Silly boy. I had to remind him that the WTP is somewhat akin to Superman/Clark Kent... you know, that whole can't be in two places thing.

Ok - so we are having TAKS training on Wed. of next week and we hear that the teachers at another campus were told that they had to walk around the room constantly or they would be written up. Someone wondered out loud, "Why?" to which I shot back the reply that we are paying for the sins of someone somewhere who didn't do their job and we are all supposed to be Jesus now.

I wonder if we have to provide our own nails or if they will be issued by the state.

Chinese Body LipSync

I dunno - that's what the title says! My biggest concern is not that these dweebs are out on the loose somewhere in the world, but that their friend who is deaf? downloading porn? stoned? dead? - did someone check to see if Dave is still breathing - is not reacting to the idiocy behind him AT ALL

I think I have bronchitis

I probably should go to the doctor.

Petition from a Hypocrite

I just got an email petition from my brother, ShallowHal. It was to help pass a bill to reinstate the Pledge of Allegiance and Lord's Prayer in all public schools.

Very nice, except what does he care? He has his kids in private school because he refuses to send them to public school.

I swear if he was a puddle and I stepped in him I'd barely get my feet wet.

Anniversary

MyPoolBoy and I went out with Felix and BagLady to watch CorporalPunishment play. As the debauchery wore on through the evening, Felix wound up carrying the tip jar for the band around the patio and collecting tips in her cleavage. Of course the WTP kit came out, but the highlight of the evening was this:

Ladies and gentlemen - Mr. Elton John!

The White Trash Princess Kit

Here are the items in my WTP kit:
Notice that these items are beautifully displayed on the pink cheetah print blankie that MyPoolBoy bought me for Christmas. The WTP is very loved.

Pink crocodile purse - We are to assume this is fake crocodile since pink is not a color that crocodiles tend to appear to us in nature and therefore can be considered to be animal-cruelty-free. The WTP is nothing if not kind to animals! The only way this could be any better is if it were silver and shaped/decorated to resemble an Airstream travel trailer! Ooooh! Project!

Pink shades - alas these are not rhinestone cateye pink shades. I had a pair that I bought on 6th Street in Austin, but they were an unfortunate casualty in the infamous drunken "Jose, don't leave me!" float trip. I do enjoy telling people that I bought them in the toy section of Walmart, thus celebrating the amazingly tiny proportion of my face/head.
NOTE TO MY READERS AND FRIENDS: If you really feel you MUST bestow upon me another gift of WTPdom, please consider buying me a set of gen-u-wine rhinestone cateye pink shades. I will be your friend for at least 47 minutes afterwards! Here is a link to see what I'm talking about. I actually would like to see if I could get some that were a little hotter pink and in a small size - due to the aforementioned freakishly small size of my head & face.

Travel-sized Tiara - of "Tiara Table" fame. Felix and I bought these on a drunken spree from RBar to the Walmart bridal department one night - none of the guys would take us: Hence the standing joke among us that if you take a white woman to Walmart it constitutes a commitment that none of them are man enough to handle. This handy little item is especially useful at RBar: when I put it on, it signals to the bartender that I need another Princess martini!

Pink flamingo earrings - a gift from a former student who truly understands me. I have, however, come to feel of late that I need to replace these with Elvis dangly earrings since I have a tiny little pink flamingo in the kit already. (You really must check out this link: these sumbi+ches are made from bottle caps!)

Speaking of the tiny little pink flamingo - this is the 2nd one I have had in the kit. I had one of those kind that you put in water and it is supposed to grow (although 20 minutes in cold water in an emptied Princess martini glass at RBar apparently is not long enough, but h3ll, I threw the directions away!) Anyway, it was replaced after one attempted use because DrunkenFelix tore the legs off of it like a bi+ch, so it went into permanent retirement - no, there is no Florida for flamingos when THEY retire, they just get chunked in the trash. Although....it would be kinda fun to show folks that I am the proud owner of a tiny little pink parapalegic flamingo!

Charm bracelet of various drinks - so that when I am too drunk to order for myself I can just point to the one that I want and continue to imbibe!

Precious little pink bag with a $1 Dollar General pink feather boa - Admittedly, there probably is a naked chicken out there somewhere because of my wanton lust for WTP regalia. I like to think that the chicken who gave of his/her feathers is reunited posthumously at the table at RBar when I order chicken strips or chicken tacos. See? Life comes full circle.

Sparkly pink lipstick case - included inside is a hot pink chapstick that is garish at best - and whorish at worst. I love it. Shut up.

One final item that I feel is amiss - Some leopard print gloves. I have yet to find the perfect pair, because they will need to be thinsulate or cotton . Remember they will be crammed in with all the other crap in the WTP kit! And looking for a pair on the web is a hoot! You get everything from leopard print dishwashing gloves to golf gloves to downright porno-style opera-length lingerie gloves!

Let us speak of Michael Keaton

Ok, so this is what I am thinking is entirely an unhealthy neoprene fetish. I was watching some old movie with Michael Keaton (before he played Batman) and I thought to myself, hey he's not bad looking -- I never thought that when I saw the very same movie 20 years ago! I really think it is because I saw him in THE SUIT (it even makes George Clooney look better - if that is even possible!).

Alright, that was dumb. I'm shallow.

Probably going to see Corporal Punishment (a band of school administrators and the district tech guy) play down town tonight. I am friends with the lead singer and I told him the other night at RBar that they could be the official band for the Lucilles. I also drunkenly once told him that I would be their official groupie/stalker, if they would learn to play some of the songs on our cd...then I sent him the list via email. Maybe I should post it on his myspace, too!

R.I.P. My Treadmill

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2 pounds away AGAIN!
Alas, my treadmill died after 20 minutes this morning. It is the switch - I think it flat-out shorted out, so I will have to see if I can get MyPoolBoy to replace it (with more wattage probably, too) Anywhooooo - I am still on the sucker reading email, blogging, and walking in place (I am NOT going to let this stop me from losing the weight I've got going so far!)

Had a break-through with one of the girls in my class during reading tutorials yesterday while we were checking the release tests - she realized that she did not answer one of the questions - she also found an answer she would have gotten correct if she had paid closer attention. She was upset. Good. She and another little girl then started asking about their math release results because I had taken them both in the hall when they finished (first 2 done!) and chewed them out -- they wanted to know if they had really done badly since they finished fast. Lo and behold! The worst 2 scores in the class! I was happy to report that to them (just to teach them a lesson). I think it may have really sunk in. I just have one more flibbertygibbit that is fixin' to have her momma called and will probably get majorly grounded and that'll straighten her up. Then all I have to deal with is the ADD boy....but he is being tested for SpEd...

Ok, so now I gotta hit the showers.

You try blogging when you've got cramps!

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2 pounds to go.
Cramping like a sumbi+ch - I'm not gonna put much in here today.

Got a new phone today (MyPoolBoy can't seem to stop spending money when we don't have it). At least it is pink -- got all the numbers changed over, just no ringtones yet.

Started the Book

I got started on my TAKS book this weekend. It actually just came together as a finalized idea in my head and I have a starting point and a path to be on -- it shouldn't take too long to complete either, so maybe this summer I can start marketing and publishing!

So, I was up to nearly my starting weight yesterday before church -- but my fingers were swollen with water bloat so I guess it is PMS week. Another cool thing about going to church yesterday -- MyPoolBoy actually let me tithe $100 - what a leap of faith for him cuz he can't seem to turn loose of money! Anyway we figured up the 5, 10, 15, 20, 50 budget and he understood my theory/plan and said he was going to trust God to make it work.

I'll have to post a picture of me on my birthday (last Friday) at R-Bar in my white trash princess kit regalia. MonsterInLaw took a picture of me standing by the date at the register (you know, the one they use if they're carding someone). Had quite a few free Princesses - I lost count, but I was slipping notes on napkins under the bathroom door to total strangers - it was a hoot!

Ok, Rick is through singing for now, so I better go hop in the shower and get ready for school!

3 Minutes B-Day In my PJ's

Not much time cuz (3 minutes) I gotta leave early to go to Wally WOrld and get some cupcakes for my class for my birthday. I decided we needed some cuz there won't be another b-day in my class until March!

Cheated again and got on the scale - down 2 1/2 pounds in my PJs!

MyPoolBoy and Lurch just left to take Lurch to the bus for a soccer tourney.

OK, time to hit the showers, Rick....I have to leave you for now.

The 4 Week Deal

I think I have figured out why the Bob Greene diet wants you to wait 4 weeks before getting on the scale. I imagine it has something to do with not seeing a plateau and getting discouraged, but instead seeing dramatic results after a long period. With that said - I was down 3 pounds this morning. I am a cheater I admit but except for this sinus coughing pneumonia crap that I have I am feeling great. I slept a little late this morning so I am going to have to rush the housework but I feel in control enough of school and the house that I can still get on the treadmill with Rick for 30 solid minutes (cuz I'm blogging and checking email at the same time!).

First day of tutoring is out of the way;. I am glad mine are all close to passing the reading TAKS (61 was my lowest benchmark score) -- it's the math I'm dreading!

OK - going to send an ecard to my cousin and I'm hitting the shower!

The FreakShow Continues & I Cheated

Ok it is not as much of a freak show as last week, but we started with the girl who sang through her nose and then went on a little later to the horse girl (poor thing, is there an orthodontist in the house?) - who was continue the theme of "I can't understand you" until we got to the guy named Sundance with a weird-a$$ beard and a scary amount of hair on his chest! And the gentleman who wanted to sing his original, tender, emotional song for his girlfriend WTF? I am now 15 IQ points dumber for having listened to that! I wonder if the second half is going to be any better?

Well, no, it doesn't -- it's Harry Potter with a beard!

Oh CRAP! There is more of this woman than I want to see! Girl those boobs should have been checked at the door with the other weapons!

Look - Jesus is going to Hollywood!

Ok, true confession time - I cheated this morning and got on the scale after I did my ab workout - I was down 1 1/2 pounds. Not great, but it is something!

The God Warrior is Back!

...and she's met her match! The husband of the new family is a certified whack job. Everything out of his mouth is a black vs. white thing.

So far the funniest thing I ever friggin heard in my life is his description of doing #2: "I straight up disrespect the toilet when I go in there!" (One of the BannedCampers sez maybe that's cuz the toilet is white and he thinks it is opressing him ---- ok, that's mean!) and then the God Warrior proceeds to wretch and gag like she did last time with her fake puking.

Lawrd - she just told him that she would enjoy being a black person for a day because she would kick back and enjoy some hip hop and gizzards! Oh h3ll woman!

Chunk is watching it with me and he wanted to know why God Warrior's 24-year-old daughter is still living at home -- well a little bit later I found out why. The daughter gets up and tells new mom that they are having a brunch with God Warrior's friends and that "we" need to make a salad and some shrimp pasta. So new mom goes and starts cutting up stuff for a salad and the little sister was making tea. And the older daughter is shown laying her lazy a$$ in the bed with a towel on her head from the shower. Then it cuts to her doing her make-up and she shows up right as the friends get there and the food hits the table.

Enter the bi+ches. Last time they tore the poor woman apart with their inquisition -- yeah, very church-like, girls. They got that look on their faces when new mom said that she didn't know any black people that voted for Bush. And they went down the welfare road, too!

Final note - New Dad is still having a rant and God Warrior told him she wasn't going to listen to him as long as he was raising his voice to her. Now I gotta wait till next week to see how it ends....

Blah Blah Blah

Ok this is just a mindless brain-dump post. I'm on the treadmill (going on 30 minutes now) because I got my laptop hooked up to wireless and my battery charged (thanks to my mom for the wireless Christmas present!). ANyway, Ricky and I are walking to SDAA and I got up 15 minutes earlier to try to squeeze in 30 minutes of walking instead of 15 (as per Bob Greene), so I am walking while I read email, too. So I will keep this short - gotta go get in the shower and try to get dressed and salvage my lesson plans for this week that was interrupted by weather!

American FreakShow

Do the people on American Idol not have a momma standing at the doorway going - no way honey, you just cannot go try out? Obviously not. In fact I think the Seattle software guy (27 yrs old) from near the Salt Lake City area - no wait do-over - IN the Salt Lake City area (whatever, nutcase) probably DOES still live with his momma. Taylor Hicks WannaBe the hairdresser was excruciating enough.

Well, my first reaction to the crowd pan that they did of the audition group was "the freaks come out at night." Then I realized this had happened during the daytime, so I figure that a short bus (or at least a tour bus from Arkansas) broke down in front of the audition hall and the occupants got lost in the crowd, handed a number, and shoved on stage. Shallow gene pool is the only explanation for some of these folks!

Then there was Simon's "Bush Baby" - I laughed to tears on that one! Plus his friend thang a thong for Thimon....next, please! Last but not least we met "Red" who dazzled us with his brilliance (and single front tooth) over how he got his nickname and how he has to tell people it's because he has red hair - NO! Are you lying? I'd have never guessed! Thank goodness you brought that to my attention! Bohemian Rhapsody? Is that what that was? Freddy Mercury is doing 360s in his grave - carry on, carry on.

Don't know my weight today. Gonna hold off until February -- ackkk it's killing me! Did 30 minutes on the treadmill yesterday and 15 minutes of yoga/stretching this morning. We have a 2 hour late start this morning, so I'm using the extra time to get some school stuff caught up (conference packets/honor roll, lesson plans - which are pretty much a bust for this week- ha!) and getting my routine back on track.

Day 3 of the Great Snow-In '07

Wait - some of this $hi+ from the sky is ice? Why didn't someone tell me before? Where the h3ll is my martini shaker - can't waste this!

Ok Banned Camp quote of the day (re: American Idol contestant):
"Brenna is so bad my nipples inverted in fright."

WTF?

And I am going to go on the treadmill or bike for 30 minutes this morning. I am gonna try this stuff the Bob Greene way - and it is killing me not to get on the scale until Valentine's!
Gawd I have cramps, too!

I told MyPoolBoy about the idea about the budget.
(5% tithe
10% savings
15% Misc
20% Groceries/Meals
50% Mortgage & Utilities)
He was actually receptive to it and didn't even get pissy. He may be a man after all...Or maybe he has finally learned that I am smarter than he is BWAAAHAHAHAHA!

May I have your attention, please!

We interrupt this blog to bring you a random moment of droolage:

Ok, stuck at home for yet another day - watching Pirates with the boy/men-folk....Oh yes I'd love to watch it with you drool drool drool

Homebound

No inservice today cuz of the weather. Gotta get papers graded and online and get stuff ready for the conferences tomorrow. Right now I'm just hanging out in bed with sinus pressure and feeling tired.
On Oprah right now -
Bob Greene Diet
3 questions:
Why are you overweight? Stress makes me eat and too tired to exercise
Why do you want to lose weight? Too look better - let's face it, I'm vain
Why have you failed before? Lost it once but got stressed - mostly because of work and some because of MyPoolBoy

Foods to avoid
No sodas - this one woman lost 30 pounds just by not drinking soda!
No trans fats
No fried foods
No white bread
No regular pasta - Barrilla whole grain has omegas added in according to Bob Greene
No High Fat Dairy products - 1% or 2% is ok

He's also got a lot of stuff with General Mills that is on his "plan" hmmmm....he also says he's used SlimFast Optima. That's how I lost a few years ago. Yoplait Light, Green Giant frozen veggies, Cheerios. He also recommends taking vitamins (which I have gotten out of the habit of doing!)

My Living Will (of sorts)

If I come to the end of my life and am hooked to machines and it is determined that my liver is still donatable - keep me plugged in and pour a martini into the IV bag until it isn't.

Almond Joy Martini

One of the Flakes/Lucilles told me about this
Almond Joy Martini

Swirl or shake 1 oz. each of coconut-flavored rum (Parrot Bay or Malibu), Frangelico, Godiva or other chocolate-flavored liqueur, Hershey's chocolate syrup, and vodka. Add 4 oz. half and half or light cream, shake with ice, then strain into a chilled glass. Garnish with shredded coconut.

http://www.slashfood.com/2006/06/28/almond-joy-martini/

One martini is ok, two is too many, three is not enough!

Sock Monkeys from the Inner Circles of Crazy

http://novogate.com/board/5148/index.php

Go here. I dare you. The folks on this site were described on BannedCamp as "direct descendants from the inner circles of crazy" and they ain't kiddin. I sweartogod you think I'M weird? These folks have actually made RULES on their message board that you cannot have a human avatar, and you have to assume the persona of the sock monkey you represent when you post. Read ONE thread - I dare you. Don't we have laws about these people being dangers to themselves or others? I can't make this $hi+ up.

Antfarm

First of all, I am craving something chicken fried, and I would really like to eat about 1/2 of a chocolate cake just off the platter with a fork and no plate right now -- I am starving and I don't know why.

Alrighty, so. I was thinking a little over the past couple of days about the proximity of our campus to the central office since we are on the same plot of land and I know exactly what it is akin to...an effing antfarm. They sit over in the Big House and come look and stare and ogle every so often to make sure all their little workers are still diggin away deeper and deeper purely for their amusement.

Oh, and I met my goal weight for this week -- 5 more weeks to go!

Also - MyPoolBoy and I watched "Family Stone" tonight and I got inspired by a few pretty funny one-liners: "She needed another broom," "he ran away and joined a better circus - one with fewer clowns," and "girl, you've got a freak flag, you just ain't wavin' it"

And caca- I discovered a wrinkle across my forehead that I never noticed before, but since MyPoolBoy and I cut my hair before new years eve, I have been wearing my now-longer bangs brushed to the side and I can actually SEE my forehead. Man, I'm gonna have to really do some serious moisturizing now!

I think I need to find all the groovy martini flavor recipes that I can - one of the Lucilles told me that she and her sister had one called an Almond Joy martini somewhere over the holiday and that it had swirls of brown & white in it and tasted really yum! Add that to my gingerbread martini recipe and I've got a bit of a start. Ok that's it I'm starting a new label category just for martini recipes!

Storage

Ok, so I guess this blog is turning into storage for all the insane stuff I find written on message boards.


Getting old is so hard at times.

Yesterday I got Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip.

NOW, I talk like an a$$hole .. . but my gums don't itch!

Here's another:
This is a den of iniquity ... and I am the Den Mother!

Fat. Again. Seriously.

Back up to the starting weight! - I knew this would happen. Gonna get back on the slimfast routine like I did 5 years ago and exercise WILL happen. I'm miserable.

Ok, now here are some signature quotes that I found over on Banned Camp that completely cracked me up.

It's not rocket surgery.

Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have.

Men date thin girls because they're too weak to argue and salads are cheap.

If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

Inside me lies a skinny woman crying to get out - but I can usually shut her up with cookies.

You know, sometimes I get the urge to just jump up and run around naked, but then I just drink some Windex.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

It's not the drinking, but the getting naked and passing out that gets you in trouble.

Play like your couch is on fire.

Men are like linoleum floors - lay one right and you can walk all over it for years.

I want it all - and I want it delivered by cute naked men!

Oh - and I think I am going to go back and change all my references to RalphKramden to hereby be MyPoolBoy. I've softened a little since he and I had a big knock-down drag-out a couple of days ago.

And btw I cut my hair right before New Year's and it is so much easier. I left the bangs long and cut it to about that same length. And on New Year's Eve I discovered it was "party hair" meaning that I can flip it around dancing or being my typical drunk WTP self and just run my fingers through it and come up with the same style again! Also treated myself to some new makeup and tossed some old stuff that wasn't quite right - simplify simplify simplify.

Still need to put up Christmas decorations before I go back to work tomorrow (ugh).

So this one time at Banned Camp...

So, I've been spending a LOT of time over on this message board of Ex-Taters (gang that was apparently kicked off of the SPQ MBOL some time back). Anyhoo -- they are cracking my A$$ up on a minute-by-minute basis and I am addicted and I have decided to win the lottery and never go to work again because of the $hi+ they say on there!

One quote that I love in the signatures is something to the effect of "some people are like slinkies: they are pretty worthless, but they are good for a laugh if you push them down a flight of stairs!"

LMAO

Yup, over half - and the picture has a tiara, too!

You Are 51% Bitchy

Generally, you're an average woman, with average moods. But sometimes... well, watch out! Sometimes, you let your mean side get the better of you. And you enjoy every minute of it.

How Bitchy Are You?

Rabbit Terrorism and the Ultimate Password

Ok, we were out sitting by the chiminera Sunday and Donnycat was being a complete a$$hole to the rabbit...he was climbing in the tree behind the hutch and then jumping down onto the roof of the hutch and looking down in the cage to see if the rabbit was looking. He did it about 4-5 times so I don't think it was accidental.

Last night the Simpsons inspired me with the ULTIMATE PASSWORD: "LetMeInYouIdiot"

Working on getting Christmas stuff done - we are having dinner and presents with Thunderduck and MyPoolBoys's mother on the 21st because Thunderduck has to go back to work on the 22nd. All I have left are 3 gifts for my sister, sister-in-law, and mom plus a gift certificate for my brother's family to Chuck E Cheese or something; get a few more stamps and mail the last of the cards, mail the package to my mother and brother, wrap teacher gifts, bake (dough is already made in fridge!), and cook the dinner (turkey is at least thawing in the fridge).

I have been putting off and putting off making fruitcake this year and I finally figured out that it was because it was my grandmother's thing every year. I laid out all the stuff for it this morning -- I'll probably drink and get it done this afternoon or tonight.

Chirstmas Party

Don't let a drunk woman get near the name tags and the Sharpies.

Smooth Criminal

So, I got on Rum&Monkey and messed around with the widget for which evil criminal in history I would be (Rum&Monkey - blog about crap, pollute the internet HAHAHAHAHAHAHA)
And I am deliriously happy to find that I am the lord of all evil criminals pretty much!


Which Evil Criminal are You?
A Rum and Monkey crime.

Back to Fitday

I decided to get back to tracking my calories and stuff on FitDay.Com because when I did it 3-4 years ago, I actually lost like 20 pounds and was down to a size 6-8. I think I have to have it in front of my face -- I also need to step up what exercise I am doing -- some is better than none, but I'm not burning enough calories, I don't guess. Still at the same weight this a.m. and it is pissing me off because I have FAITHFULLY worked out for 2 weeks (I even worked out the morning that I was sick and only missed the 2 days after that when I was sleeping stuck in bed). I've almost totally cut out my Dr. Pepper (like 1-2 per week) and am using a lot of restraint when it comes to snacks/sweets. So, the body clutter menu mailer worked for a few weeks but I've hit a wall and I need to really look at how to limit my calorie intake so that the weight will start dropping again.

A MySpace Surprise

RICK SPRINGFIELD ADDED ME!
RICK SPRINGFIELD ADDED ME!
RICK SPRINGFIELD ADDED ME!

Yahoo Avatar & tequila

I found out how to post my yahoo avatar onto my blog. It is so funny cuz I had to go to the Wedding section to find a tiara and the Gay & Lesbian section to find the feather boa... further confirming the identification as a female drag queen. It comletely grossed out Lurch.
I don't mind...I've had 3 SPQ margaritas tonight and Rick is blasting loud enough that MyPoolBoy came and shut my door.

God I love tequila.

My Nursery Rhyme

There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad........

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.



Oh H3LL yes! Work it sister! I think that in light of my affinity for tiaras and feather boas and my recent identification with Killer Queen that I may have to resolve within myself to be what the SPQ calls "a female drag queen."

There are worse things I could do...

I hear that Stockard Channing song from "Grease" when I think this phrase, but here's my thought for the day. I have this plaque given to me at the PeytonPlace High School soccer team's awards banquet last year (along with a gift certificate to R Bar - do they know me or what?). Anyway, the plaque says "PeytonPlace Packmules Loudest Fan" - which I think is not the worst thing to be -- I could be "the Loudest person in the Library" or the "Loudest person at Church" That would suck. No. I think it's fine to be a loud fan. Anyway, I got to thinking about it because we had a parent meeting last night and the coach said something about all the other parents being hard pressed to out cheer me!

Oh, and you know my LOW student who was moving? Guess who showed up for the benchmark yesterday and made a whopping 33?

Anyway, there it is -- as I sit here listening to my latest new theme song: "Killer Queen" by Queen. It cracks me up.

Is it PMS week?

Up again - I knew the loss was just a stomach virus fluke!

TAKS reading benchmarks today - UGH! But I am hopeful since my lowest (supposed to have failed 2nd grade) student supposedly moved Friday (no official word, but she wasn't here yesterday) - anyway without her, all my kids have a shot at actually PASSING the release test. I am freakishly relaxed about it.

Ok, gotta go and get ready to work out.

No vodka involved

MyPoolBoy and Lurch and I were sitting watching the game prior to Chunk's on Saturday and I noticed that one group of the little cheerleaders sadly had 2 moms out on the track WITH them doing the cheers along with them. Now as I watched, the girls didn't NEED them to watch for cues or anything so I said the first thing that popped in my head. I leaned to MyPoolBoy and Lurch and said "check out Verna Heath and Wanda Holloway out there" We had to explain it to Lurch but MyPoolBoy made the comment that I didn't even have vodka involved to spew forth from them mouth that time!

Oh well.... it was good for a laugh.

bwi

Blogging while intoxicated.

Friday night - big county-wide rivalry football game going on down the street. MyPoolBoy is having to help work the game. I'm having appletinis and trying to decide if I want to get off my a$$ and do the house cleaning that I slept too late to do this a.m.

OH I almost forgot -- My weight was down THIS AFTERNOON! I am eating right even after the bout with the stomach bug and not being able to work out Tue & Wed. I think I'm not drinking enough water, though...it has been a crazy week trying to catch up with everything. Ok, anyway.

Thunderduck called us last night and said he was in class and was about to talk to his professor to get to leave because TrainWreck sliced his finger open with a knife while washing dishes because their dishwasher is SMOKING. ok - I don't want to know WHAT they did to the dishwasher....
So.
Thunderduck gets back to the dorm (walking because his keys were locked in VickyValencourt's dorm room upstairs) and there is apparently a lot of blood in the water. TrainWreck has it wrapped up and Thunderduck wants to know what emergency clinic they can go to with the insurance card because he lost the list. I told him to call his Granny and ask her what would be the closest/cheapest one and we would handle whatever the cost was after the billing. I asked him how bad it was, did it need stitches, etc. and he put TrainWreck on the phone and he tells me that he cut it pretty deep and he thinks he needs stitches. In the meantime, their Granny got there and she looked at it and got on the phone and said, well, you'd think he'd cut his d1ck off the way he is carrying on. She proceeds to tell me that the cut is on the TOP of his finger, it is less than an inch long and it is not to the bone, nor has it cut any veins or arteries or anything. I told him to go to the on-campus clinic today and get a tetanus shot (because the freakin' genius has LOST his shot record). Ok, so now here is where it turned to typical "why can't I have normal kids" conversation. The REAL thing that was upsetting TrainWreck was that he was worried about losing too much blood (because the warm water made the finger bleed more PLUS the water dispersed the blood so much it LOOKED like he had lost a lot of blood). ANYWAY the fear was that his new "career path" is no longer pimping himself out to the psych department because the $30 was too few and far between -- oh, no it is far more lucrative to donate blood every week for $50 the first time and $30 a week after that. He even got his Social Security card replaced because the friend who referred him was going to get $10 for the referral and he really needed TrainWreck to go down there but since TrainWreck had lost his SS card, hmmmm...... what to do? The guy DROVE TrainWreck to the SS office so he could get a replacement card. AND APPARENTLY he has big plans for Spring Break now, too because there is a sperm bank in Dallas that pays $500 for each "deposit" Oh heavenly days. No wonder I have gray hair.

Ok, and then last night at Chunk's football practice I overhear this woman talking to another woman about being in a pet store looking at some dog and that she was able to talk to the guy about getting FINANCING FOR THE FRIGGIN' DOG and her friend was nodding and playing the home version of the game right along with her! Do you know how many rednecks there are in PeytonPlace? Apparently 2 more than I last counted.

164 Won't last long

Had a stomach bug Monday and actually came home from school and spent the day in bed. MyPoolBoy got it yesterday and I was still wiped out so I slept kinda late and didn't blog yesterday or this morning. Anyway - I lost enough fluids that my weight went down. I posted it, even though I know it won't stay there as soon as I start eating solid foods again (today), but it was fun to see a lower number again!

IF

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JM this morning was talking about people saying "if only" is really the inability to step out of their comfort zones into faith and try to do something about their situation on their own. SOOOO I came up with my own IF acronym:

IF = "In faith or in fear?"

Have to go to school today and do EVERYTHING! Gag. don't ask - I'm so pissed at admin I can't see straight. They decided that "select" parents are able to see their child's grades now, and of course the super is one of the "select" so I found out at 3:55 on Friday that my grades will need to be entered by 5pm every Monday -- APPARENTLY, though, the parents were approached and have known about this for about a week. I love how much courtesy there is in that fact alone - ok the parents can be notified a week in advance, but the teachers don't know until Friday AFTER school is out - guess what, teachers? Stay late or come up this weekend - we know you'll do it, you're suckers and we have you right where we want you. Fat chance of one of us coming up here on a weekend but we don't give a shi+. I saw on the PeytonPlace chatboard that it would probably be a good idea to solve the need for more classrooms by putting the admin into portables and letting the students have THEIR space. HILARIOUS!

MyPoolBoy's room is cleaned AND painted and he has his desk and weight bench in there now. I set up all his school assignments onto a calendar and started adding it to his Yahoo calendar for him yesterday. (Got about 2 weeks of it entered) He still needs some posters or something on the walls, but he about decided not to do Native American stuff in there once he got the weight bench moved in! It really opened up our bedroom and I moved the chili pepper tree over to the wall where his desk used to be. Now we need to move some pictures over to where the tree was because it looks really bare over there!

Ok, gotta go.

Heading back down

. and I've lost a little

I have worked out every day this week! AND I had chocolate cake 2 nights this week and pie one night (mostly due to pms/stress eating). But I wore size 10 pants twice this week and they weren't tight at all - not bad for a ./pms week! Rick is really keeping me moving!

School is pretty much stressing me out because they have decided to have us do fluency testing on all kids under 114 wcpm -- Ok that is 17 out of 18 of my kids - the ONE child who is considered "fluent" by those standards is one that I am going to have tested for GT! Not even the superintendent's daughter (who is a very good reader) is meets the standard. Ok, well not only do they want it done, but they want it done every 6 weeks - and seeing as how they told us Wed. and the 6 weeks ends today, I don't guess I will be in compliance and I don't really give a rat's @$$. THEN yesterday, we get this email saying that beginning in January we will be expected to have our grades entered by 5 pm every Monday! H3LL I spend enough time up there on the weekends and 2 days a week tutoring not to mention all the other crap they have piled on us this year. Here is one more thing. I am probably going to go to our prince today and ask him to tell them to take something off of our plate before adding another thing.

Lurch's birthday was last night. He also had a football game - I sat in the pressbox with MyPoolBoy and mouthed off in between announcers calls. At least I entertained THEM! Anyway, at the end of the game they announced the final score and then told him happy birthday over the PA. He thought it was cool. AND the little turkey went and tried out for the HS production of Oklahoma (he said he didn't make it to the actual auditions, but he just walked into the choir director's office and sang something and got a part).

MyPoolBoy got the extra room totally cleaned out and has patched holes in the wall and started painting! He also discovered why Lurch and Chunk's toilet was stopped up -- are you ready for this?
ONE OF THEM DROPPED A CELL PHONE DOWN IT! Neither one will admit whose it is or how it got there, but MyPoolBoy had to take the whole toilet off the floor to go in from underneath to get it out!

Ok, going to find Tylenol - I have killer cramps.

"Very good advice"

I keep thinking of the Disney version of Alice in Wonderland where she sings this song ("...but I very seldom follow it.")

ANyway Joyce Meyere this morning had my tidbit for the week -
If you worry you let the devil in, if you pray you let God in.

That's what I needed to hear this morning.

Happy Halloween - Crap, this is funny

I should make apple martinis a yearly tradition. I have had MORE fun tonight! First of all, if you don't live in PeytonPlace, you cannot even begin to fathom the magnitude of trick-or-treating on our street. Everyone uses us as Freeload Freeway on Halloween night. Ok, so here's the deal. Everyone in the town and for about 3 neighboring communities around comes down our street to trick or treat. We have an MHMR house around the corner and THEY come every year, too. It is so bad that a few years ago the police put up barricades at either end and don't let anyone but residents drive down it on Halloween night. One year a little girl had a seizure and they couldn't get the ambulance down to her. SO, anyway here are all these people (not just kids) and every year it is a stupid amount of money spent on candy that you can only afford to give each kid ONE PIECE of the cheapest, crappiest candy that you can get on sale with a coupon at Walmart. One year we had 840 kids - I counted!

OK. SO.

Anyway, tonight MyPoolBoy and I started passing stuff out about 5:45 and then he went to go get Lurch from football practice, while Chunk set off trick or treating. I had to put WeaselDog and the DonnyCat inside because Weasel was having a shi+fit and Donny was going to attack a Ninja Turtle, I think. Well, by golly when MyPoolBoy got home he started freely pouring apple martinis into a glass for me (I think I had 4). Ok, so anyway I was giving out 4 -5 - 8- 12 pieces of candy at a time to the kids. I pretty much have had it after 15 years. I just don't have the spirit for it any more (we've been "put upon" by TOO MANY PEOPLE for TOO MANY YEARS - go to your own damn neighborhood/town!). Ok, so there I am 1 or 2 martinis into the wind and this not-so- little boy in a Longhorn jersey comes up and says trick or treat /Go UT. I said "you picked the wrong house to say that at, buddy and just for that you're only getting ONE piece of candy!" and I gave him ONE PIECE OF CANDY! Then laughed hysterically about it when MyPoolBoy came back out with my refill. So anyway we were out of candy by 6:58 pm! A new record! I turned out the light and came in and finished my drink and began drunk dialing Thunderduck and Felix about what I did to the poor little UT idiot. I also mentioned to Thunderduck that I ran out of candy before the MHMRs showed up this year. He appreciated that like no one else possibly could.

We also ordered a pizza delivered just out of meanness. I can't wait to see those poor S.O.B.'s try to get down this street!

Yep. This was a good one!

Oh - and MyPoolBoy got the trailer moved to a storage facility today! Woo Hoo! A step ABOVE white trash!

Rabid Skunk

There was a report that they found a rabid skunk in PompousPasturePond, a country club community here in Peyton Place. I find this hard to believe for 2 reasons:
1) I am sure that rabies and/or skunks are against their strict ordinances, and
2) How did the skunk get past the gate without a visitor's pass for his car?

Lou Dobbs tonight

I am laying here half-way watching Lou Dobbs on CNN in an interview with this woman from LULAC. I will not beat around the bush when I admit that LULAC pisses me the hell off anyway because they try to turn everything into a race issue. This ignorant woman is arguing that we should not call illegal aliens "aliens" because they are not from outer space -- ok, the word alien didn't mean outer space until the 1940s or 50s, so she needs to go buy a dictionary to keep herself from looking like a fool. Then she goes on to argue that the immigrants that are here illegally pay into Social Security and they will never see a dime of it -- ok, lady, neither will Texas teachers who worked outside of education at any point in their lives -- Lou got her though because he asked her how she got her figures and she said that X number of - get this - UNDOCUMENTED ALIENS have paid into social security and paid taxes. REALLY? If they are undocumented then how do you have proof (I'm guessing if they were undocumented, then they WOULDN'T pay into any federal or state tax/fund so that they couldn't be caught.)

Not Scary

You Are Not Scary

Everyone loves you. Isn't that sweet?

How Scary Are You?

That's why MyPoolBoy walks all over me.

Pimping yourself out to the psych department and ramen noodles

Spent yesterday afternoon/evening at our favorite place -- Felix and I laughed WAY too much as usual.

Her son in the Navy has volunteered to go to Iraq and she found out this past week -- so she needed a good sorrow-drowning (liquid amnesia). Anyway, one of our friends who didn't know she was trying to avoid talking about it asked her about it and kept asking questions (that she didn't want to think about to answer, ya know?) SOOOO I reminded her that it could be worse (not really, but I needed to get her to laugh) because TrainWreck is currently earning a living by pimping himself out to the Psych Dept. for "Freshman Testing" at $30 a whack. AND I reminded her that Thunderduck contemplated changing his major to zoology because there was an elephant keeper opening at the Dallas/Ft Worth zoo and he could earn an internship there over the summers - good cow!

Huge laughing fit #2 occurred when one of our redneck woman Lucille friends (Mrs.Rodney - a Lucille story there) who tells us how hard she had it growing up when her mother had to fire the housekeeper. She was trying to explain the situation of someone who was having a hard time and was "broke" - down to their last $200. Ok the absolute hilarity of that statement was lost on her, and we started spouting off how many boxes of mac & cheese that $200 would buy and how long could you feed your family with that much money/mac&cheese. That progressed to "NO - RAMEN NOODLES!" Anyway, Mrs.Rodney continues to offer "help" by adding, Oh yes you can get those for 12 cents a package - to which I retorted: NO the generic ones are 10 for a dollar! And the snorting by Felix and I continued mercilessly. So, all told, we figured that you could basically get 2000 packages of Ramen Noodles for $200 and that should count as the bread group (for the noodles) and the meat group (for the little packet of powder crap).

Good cow, we are so easily entertained when we're drunk.

Don't sit by me

Well, we were in the faculty meeting today discussing this grandiose plan to do lock-down drills or evacuate the playground if a psycho shows up on campus. We WERE supposed to go across the street to a vacant lot across the soccer field - 100 yards of free shot aim for the psycho. And I'm like, let's just send a select few out across the field to "take one for the team." Ok, so then I had the whole table laughing so hard they were snorting and I get the typical look like I'm an instigator or something. H3ll, I can't help it if I am naturally a sarcastic riot. Don't let anyone sit next to me if they can't control themselves.

Also learned: don't take the Dalmatian with you in the car to drop off Chunk at the football field for practice -- it's like driving a special ed bus - she is such a tard.

Wow, this is what normal feels like!

3rd day of no guided reading crap -- what a feeling! I came home after tutoring in a good mood, the kids (students) and I had a great day laughing, working hard -- getting everything done -- and I felt well enough to do the pm routine cleaning and got some "to do list" stuff done. I'm sitting here drinking my evening cup of tea after doing a facial and am about to turn in for the evening (and I'm not exhuasted, just a little tired).

Ok so I'm UP a pound but I know it is because I haven't eaten right for over a week (not taking my lunch, not cooking, no breakfast, not enough water) because I've spent every extra minute at school and not taking care of working out or going shopping. No More!

Anyway, I'm going to bed and getting it stated all over again tomorrow!

My new favorite RS song

Well, even though I've always been partial to "Just One Kiss" or "I Get Excited" (Rick is a nasty man sometimes -- I love it!) I have decided that I like "Wasted" pretty much as my play-it-to-death song-of-the-month. TRied to download it, but alas, my system doesn't allow me to get iTunes or Napster or ANYTHING! caca

Anyway, I love the lyrics just cuz it sorta speaks to me (the whole idea of wasting your life or whatever, I don't know) -- but the part about "I see your face in every face in my bed" -- ok Rick, how many faces would that be, exactly -- and shi+ I wish it was more than my face, if you get my drift.

OK, I already feel better and have laughed more today just by knowing that my grades got done (without having to stay up late or get up early) and I can TEACH all because I locked up "the book." Made dinner, worked on my computer, and laid out my clothes for tomorrow and started a load of laundry. Even had a good laugh at the weasel-dog because she dances for cheese and she is NOT an ambiturner (Oh, no, the dog is Zoolander!).

Really really motivated to go to work tomorrow though -- cuz I don't hate it!
ALso decided that I am definitely going to get my reading strategies and songs into a publishable form and try to sell it!

OK, going to brush my teeth and see if I can hit the hay by 10pm!

LMAO - if I'd have gone to Va. 1 day earlier...

As if this were a surprise

You Are a Light Pink Rose

You represent sweetness and grace. Your vibe: Kind and gentle Falling in love with you: is like falling in love with a best friend

What Color Rose Are You?

3 pounds behind

Alas I am 3 pounds behind my goal this morning, but I am hopeful that it will get better because I locked the damn guided reading book up on the top shelf in a cabinet at school and I refuse to get it back out until after TAKS.

Thunderduck's friend is home from the Navy (Felix's son), but Thunderduck couldn't get off work to come down here to see him. We got invited to the family get-together this afternoon, so I think we will probably go see him.

Why don't I trust myself?

Ok, I really finally had a breakthrough at school yesterday after my observation. I am still trying to do all this guided reading shi+ and I feel like my kids are not progressing the way they would if I were teaching the way I normally teach. I am known for getting kids that read on Pre-Primer level who are bilingual to be reading on 3rd grade level by the end of the year. I think this whole guided reading thing that was thrust upon us made me feel like admin was saying that it wasn't good enough. Anyway, yesterday after my observation I felt like it went well - the management part of it anyway -- I'm pretty sure the groups went the way that the book suggests, but it FELT bad. Like I was cheating the kids. Oh, sure, I had planned meaningful lessons and had all the materials ready and I was checking on each group, but honestly, I have 3 kids who technically failed 2nd grade and who read at K-1 level who really DON'T need to be reading a K-1 level story silently and having me come discuss it with them for 5 minutes. They are not going to be pushed enough to get onto grade level that way! It is wrong and I know it with all my heart! I know that the ideas in the book are good ones. I sort of do some of them, just not in the "workshop" form. It just doesn't work with NCLB and Texas TEKS/TAKS. It takes a week to go through a TAKS paper that used to take an hour. AND half the kids don't finish it because it is "chopped up" due to the rotations. AND it takes forever to get them all finished/turned in/whatever to grade them. I really miss having the kids grade their own papers because they can see their own mistakes.

Anyway, last night I sat outside Chunk's football practice and just cried. I think part of it was guilt that I wasn't doing a good job, part was frustration at myself for letting admin tell me I wasn't good enough and believing it, part of it was relief -- I won't be spending endless hours planning "busy work" anymore! What are they going to do? Fire me? If they do I've got a back-up plan to write my resources and publish them -- and I have more than just Look-Up Language this year!

Sooooo I listened to Joyce Meyer this morning and clicked on the one about loving yourself (How Flylaydy!). As I listened she started talking about your gifts and not trying to be something your not, but honing what you DO have. That sealed it. I am NOT a guided reading teacher. I AM a good teacher in my own way. That's good enough for God because that's the gift he gave me, so that's what I will be. Maybe I can do the rotations on Fridays only or after TAKS but NOT NOW while I have kids who need ME, not Fountas and Pinnell.

Ok, it's time to get ready for school -
Good, Lawrd my weight - ate some Reese's yesterday because I was starving and frustrated when I got home from school. Then had pizza for dinner at Lurch's football game - what an anniversary dinner - MyPoolBoy was in the pressbox running the clock!

BTW - Lurch had an awesome game - he played both ways and only came off the field for the kick-off return the second half. Boy, was he tired when he got home! No pix, though, the camera's batteries were dead, darnit. Maybe I can download some from the sports photos website.

70s Music

Here's my theory: some of the stuff to come out of the 70s had to have been written during massive pot smoking sessions. There are 2 reasons I say this - 1) some of the lyrics are less than profound and 2) they go on forever! I'm figuring that some of these folks sat around taking hits and adding on and on and on and on to the song. "Dude, let me write a verse!" "NO dude you wrote the 4th verse -- you can add to the bridge after the guitar solo."

Case in point: "Blinded by the Light" by Manfred Mann

What the h3ll is that song about?

.

9 am - I'm not working!

Been enjoying this extra day off too much!
So far this morning I have unloaded the dishwasher and done ONE load of laundry. The rest of the time has been spent drinking coffee and playing with my blog settings. Shame on me (oh well).
I DO need to get my reading lesson plan template done and start cleaning on MyPoolBoy's room (Chunk's old room before the older boys went to college). So, I will say that I added favorite music to my profile that includes the "Lucille" cd that I made everyone for the end of the school year last year. Someday maybe I'll get the time to share all the stories behind them, sigh.

Ok, here's the plan:

9:00 Clean MyPoolBoy's room and work on Reading lesson plans
9:30 Do a load of laundry
10:00 Clean some more on MyPoolBoy's room and finish Reading lesson plans
11:00 Do a load of laundry and clean my pink room, start on Writing lesson plans
12:00 lunch
12:30 Do a load of laundry & take Lurch to football practice
1:00 Finish cleaning my pink room and work on Writing lesson plans
2:00 Do a load of laundry and start cleaning our room, plus work on Science lesson plans
3:00 Clean more of our room and work on Science lesson plans
3:30 Do a load of laundry
4:00 Clean the craft room and work on Social Studies lesson plans
4:30 Pick up Lurch from practice
5:00 Do a load of laundry, clean the craft room and work on Social Studies lesson plans

Progress

. I hit my mark on September 29 - exactly 6 weeks from when I set my 6 pounds in 6 weeks goal.

Enjoying the 3-day weekend so far, even though I spent Friday night in bed (felt run down and sick) while MyPoolBoy ran the scoreboard at the football game. Spent Saturday in my pj's and rested up for some housecleaning today. Got all the bathrooms, the kitchen, laundry room, living room, and dining room clean. Got my math lesson plan template done and I have an idea about reading. Probably do that tomorrow when I finish cleaning bedrooms and doing laundry. Lurch has football practice tomorrow - and I think that Chunk does, too.

TrainWreck came down to go to a concert in San Antonio and was spending the night with one of his friends here in Peyton Place -- he only came by to get some stuff he left here and to leave some pictures of him at the last home game.


Gawd, I am old.
He looks so GROWN UP!







Tired...spent a lot of time today reviewing and updating my blog.