Ninja Death Liquor

Coined this phrase in honor of three fabulous concoctions that we have been enjoying:

1) BananaRamaShi+ (like Banana Laffy Taffy in a glass)
2) Lavender Margaritas (like a melted grape Otter Pop)
and
3) Apple Martini (like a liquid sour apple Jolly Rancher)

So deemed to be Ninja Death Liquors because they will get you when you least expect it and you won't see it coming!

Alcohol is a cough suppressant. And a fertility drug. Gotta be careful.

Two-berculosis and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

So I have contracted some sort of fabulous hacking-up disease just in time for the holidays. I know exactly which child came to school ill because it was party day and gave the lovely germ to me, too! Maybe there should be a pop quiz or some other form of torture in said child's future.

In the midst of my pain, illness, and mental anguish, Lurch asks me, "Mom, are you ok?" My reply was "no, I am pretty sure I am dying" and he chirped up, "well, we still have time to get to Payless to get you some shoes!"

Ok, admittedly hilarious. Makes me mad though that his obviously inherited quick-wit comes through when I am in the process of expelling a vital organ (namely, a lung) through the writhing convulsions of my coughing fits.

Convoy Movie song

TAKS Tasks

Well, we had to give the reading practice TAKS benchmark today (Merry Christmas, kiddies. You've been naughty this year, so Santa is giving you a TEST 3 days before you get out for the holiday!)

Anyway, the new admin has a system for us to get relieved for a potty break. Red Solo cups. At first I was thinking WTF? Are we supposed to use the cups to relieve ourselves? Thank the little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay, no.

We were to place them outside our classroom door as a "signal" to the hall monitor to call someone for us. Which to me seems like a shameful waste of beer pong supplies. However, in the same directive that explained the solo cups there were also instructions not to turn our back to the class, not to stand in the doorway, and to be constantly "actively monitoring" the kids. Pretty hard to do unless you are a contortionist.

So... I devised a plan -- we grab the cup, back up to the door surreptitiously, twist the knob, yell "INCOMING," throw the cup, and then run like h3ll back into the midst of the students.

My ingenious problem-solving skills are highly undervalued by my colleagues.

Did I Mention That I Will Have Beautiful Grandchildren?

I am sure the pictures of my potential grandchildren from TrainWreck and BrideOfTrainwreck's marital union will look fabulous in my wallet. However, I am sorely afraid that as attractive as the two of them are, there is a good chance that the kids will inherit absolutely no functional brain activity whatsoever.

Today, we were out shopping at some antique stores and BrideOfTrainwreck passes the counter and calls me over to come see a vodka bracelet that I MUST have... so I go investigate and I see where they have some sterling silver liquor decanter tags - the kind with the chains that go around the neck of the bottle. Yep. One of them said vodka on it.

MyPoolBoy, the clerk, and I are trying our best to stifle ourselves...

Poor girl. Like I said, I'm gonna have beautiful grandchildren.

Christmas Shoes Blog

A BannedCamper posted the link to this blog for us to read. Now there's more coffee on my laptop screen. Frikkin' BannedCamp needs to come with disclaimers for shi+ that is this funny -

Warning: May cause involuntary spewing of beverages onto computer monitor. Do not read if you have bladder control issues or are otherwise incontinent as laughing until you pee has occurred in some readers.

You MUST go here:

http://mikekenny.blogspot.com/2006/12/worst-christmas-song-ever.html


Swallow whatever you are drinking. Put on your Depends. Grab a hanky cuz you will be crying - from the laughter. Now go read it.

How to Win Drinks and Influence People

Here is the latest tidbit of wisdom to spew forth from the font of knowledge that I loving refer to as my sage, all-knowing friend, DrunkenFelix:

I have no morals, will you buy me a beer?

This could very well be classified as a pick-up line to rival I'm-on-Cialis and may-I-pet-your-weasel.

Let's just say you know someone is DUH-RUNK (2 syllables) when they are telling you repeatedly for a 20-minute tirade taking up several precious moments of your lifetime that you are their BEST FRIEND EVER. No, seriously you don't understand, you are their best friend ever.

Edited to add: I just spewed coffee on my already effed-up laptop screen because she left me a voicemail on my phone. All she says is: Hey call me and let me know how the night ended.

This officially goes down in history as the best voicemail I have ever received.
Coffee. Through the nose. Ouch.

You know you had fun if you can't remember anything.
Well, let me see... after we bailed you out of jail and found your pants.....

Starry Starry Plight

I'm calling Felix by another name this week.

Her dogs that she treats too well (when I die please God let me come back as one of Felix's dogs) got in a real-live honest-to-goodness bi+ch fight because 2 of them are in heat. So they ganged up on one of the old fat porn dogs and bit her bad enough that she needed stitches in 10 places.

Felix, being the dog-whisperer that she is, jumped right smack into the middle of this canine throwdown and got bit. On the left ear. Requiring 4 stitches. And a huge-a$$ bandage.

$600 later I am laughing at her and calling her Vincent (Van Gogh). Because I am that kind of friend.

Maybe I should get her an Elizabethan collar so she won't lick her stitches! I will paint the scene of Starry, Starry Night on it to make it pretty. Or get her some sunflowers.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Holiday Gift-Giving

So there's a MetLife or somethingorother commercial that goes through stages of gift-giving in a relationship along these lines:

I like you
I really like you
I love you
I will always love you

And then comes the plug for the life insurance - the gift that keeps on giving

NO.
This is the gift that says: You need to die because I need some money to pay for all these gifts.

Holiday Spirit

Is this guy related to me?

Buckle Up

Last night I got just drunk enough to sit on the toilet to pee and think that I needed to put on my seatbelt.

Yet I was just sober enough to realize that I was on the toilet and not, in fact, in a vehicle of any kind. I started laughing mid-pee.

Yeah, I think I pretty much was the answer to the infamous "why's the rum gone" question

There's Always a Tangle in the Plan

Testosterone Patch Restores Libido in Postmenopausal Women

Well, this article title sounds promising - until you read to about the 3rd paragraph where it mentions the side-effect: unwanted hair growth. So, now you've got this sex drive like never before, but your Chewbacca-lookin' self is a real deal-breaker with any reasonable man.

Buckle Up For Safety

Last night I got just drunk enough to sit on the toilet to pee and think that I needed to put on my seatbelt.

Yet I was just sober enough to realize that I was on the toilet and not, in fact, in a vehicle of any kind. I started laughing mid-pee.

And I think I pretty much was the answer to the infamous "why's the rum gone" question

I Scared Children This Year

Poster Children

Red Ribbon Week was this week - in a desperate attempt to prove their inappropriately abundant knowledge of all things illicit, some of our little darlings made posters depicting the various alcohol and tobacco products that they knew they should Just Say No to.

It is sadly obvious that our kids are on the lower socio-economic end of the scale cuz the pictures were of Keystone, Miller Light, and Longhorn snuff. No Dos Equis or Michelob - not even real Copenhagen.

New Vocabulary Word

One of the 1st graders had to do a "think sheet" today to apologize to his teacher for being noisy during class:

Dear Mrs. Teacher,
I am soruy. I will not dickarupt class no mor.

dickarupt /dik*uh*ruhpt/ - verb: to dick around as to cause interruption or disruption of a structured social setting.

What a Flake

So, I had to eat cheerios this morning instead of my usual Special K with berries and I became acutely stricken by of one of my random moments of clarity and awareness:

When I finish eating cereal that is flakes, if there are a few small strays, I don't mind letting them dissipate and float out in the milk and basically go to waste.

Today, however, it was like no cheerio left behind... Not even a 1/2 of one. What is it about the ring-shape that made me deem it to be somehow more worthy of my consumption? I chased the little sumbi+ches all over their milky escape routes in the bowl with my spoon until they were completely devoured.

I won! I won!

I went to my box at school today and there was a paycheck in there. Hurray! I've won an all-expenses paid trip to the liquor store!

Been at Felix's all night, where I announced that if I lose 15 more pounds I'm going to start dressing like a slut.

Throw Me Something Mister!

PeytonPlace High School had its homecoming parade this evening and they changed its route to come down our street over to a vacant lot behind one of the elementary schools where the bonfire was to be held.

About 3 of my kids told me at school today that they would be riding in a float in the parade. I told them that they needed to save all their chocolate candy until they got to my house and throw it to me because I was down to orange tic tacs in my candy stash.

Then I sat on the back end of MyPoolBoy's pickup with a coffee cup (sans coffee - I was killin' off the box o' wine) and waited for the haul.

I got a lot of gum, plenty of tootsie rolls, some nestle crunches, and some other stuff that I pawned off on Chunk.

Oh, and some banana laffy taffy.
That reminds me... I need to go to the liquor store. I haven't had bananaramashit in a while.

Just Desserts

Our PTO has asked all the teachers to submit recipes for a cookbook that they are putting together for a fundraiser. They have decided that my grade level should contribute dessert recipes.

We're stymied.

The only desserts we're any good at are Pig Candy Meat Knots (1st/sober batch only, of course), Crackwhore Brownies (named for Felix's powdery-white condition after she makes them), and Jello Shots.