Friday Night

I am at DrunkenFelix's house with BagLady and SubFriend

Behavior is at an all-time low.

I have: cussed out the killer-ear-eating-dog, devised a plan to get a red dildo for Baloney for her 50th birthday, made fun of some Jay Leno story about some guy having oral sex with a raccoon (I don't know what happened- I think I have rabies, but the guy was wearing a mask!), accidentally locked myself in the bathroom, told DrunkenFelix to slow down her talking because I was A-effing-D-effing-D, and when I tried to open my box of wine SubFriend discovered that there was a bag inside and she told me that if I got a big long straw it would be like a Capri Sun for me, and we have decided to upgrade BagLady to BoneBagger - don't ask.

Ok, now BagLady/BoneBagger wants me to call her LittleBushDeer

Weird

Well, the Bloggess had this sent to her from YouTube's recommendations. Let me tell you this: If you are under the influence of pharmaceuticals of ANY KIND - even Flintstone vitamins - this will freak you out.

At the very least, now I want to go see what MY recommendations are!

And here I was thinking that all those stupid little middle schoolers who want to do trick bike riding crap all the time had no career futures.

For Thunderduck

Thunderduck has threatened multiple times that he wants to be Mr. Paula Deen and will happily leave any woman he is involved with for Paula.

Facebook 25 Things About Me Post

Rules:
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1. I eat M&Ms in a certain color order, from lightest shade to darkest. It messed me up when they started the blue ones. But they go last by default after the greens.

2. My #3 son got his job because I knew his boss. I met his boss because my best friend gave beer to his dog at a bar.

3. I know why there's a little piece of fat in pork and beans.

4. I really don't like video games.

5. I believe a dead person has come to me in a dream. Or my subconscious psychological manifestation of a dead person has come to me in a dream.

6. I have had impure thoughts about my husband while driving to work.

7. I've never had a hangover (unless you count the alcohol poisoning puking that DrunkenFelix caused me to have on my birthday last year)

8. I run to work 2 days a week.

9. I'm smart. Scary smart. It took me about 35 years to admit /embrace it. You wouldn't know it by looking at me, though.

10. I have won money playing poker after I drank 4 long island teas. (The men at the table were not happy because I was not being "serious" enough.)

11. I drunk-dialed my father once.

12. I married my high school sweetheart (the one that my friend said I would probably only date for 2 weeks!)

13. I use men's rooms if the ladies' room is occupied.

14. I teach TAKS test strategies to my students with dorky songs that I have written.

15. I coached high school 7-on-7 football one summer

16. I don't plan on tagging 25 people like this thing says.

17. I can still do the splits.

18. I made a whole class of 4th graders name some earthworms for an experiment and then had them test their worms by "calling" them to see if they would obey. I laughed a lot behind their backs that day. Kids are gullible. I'm evil.

19. Rick Springfield should have been the father of my children. Or Elvis. Elvis should have been the father of my children, too.

20. I'm a cat person - when the little tiny excuses for granddogs come to visit, they stay in the rabbit hutch.  That's where any future grandkids will stay, too.

21. I play beer pong in Fredrick's of Hollywood stilettos

22. I keep a rhinestone tiara and a rubber chicken in my purse.

23. I can say the alphabet backwards. Even better when I'm drunk.

24. My friends and I toilet papered our bosses' houses a couple of years ago.

25. I left my Christmas tree up until Easter one year.

Best Man Speech

Freaky Best Man Speech

Watch all the way to the end... it seems like just a really funny speech until about 3/4 of the way through.

Red Red Wine

New Yorker humor column - how scientists have discovered that an element in red wine seems to slow the aging process in mice.

Mouse au Vin

"...he collapses in a pool of laughter and urine"

Been there.

Eye Had a Happy Birthday

I am typing this on my new pink laptop that MyPoolBoy got me for my birthday. I also am looking forward to enjoying the pink gator skinned flask that Thunderduck and his new woman got me. We called it the "babysitter's cup" when her little girl asked what it was! BWHAHAHAHAHA! I also laughed at Bi+chslap and the girls for once again buying me duplicates of the same birthday card. Felix provided us with the much necessary turtle cheesecake for after lunch today.

But we had a good howl at lunch after Bi+chslap handed me a scratch-off lottery ticket. Since I had given them all prank tickets for Christmas, I had to first ask if it was fake. The answer was no, so I intently began to scratch my way to my white trash retirement fund. Alas, none of the little silvery gray squares held the key to my fortune forcing me to continue to work, but I did end up with a fabulous silvery gray colored fingertip for my efforts. Bi+chslap came back in the room about the time I discovered the news that my poverty would continue and she asked if I had won anything. I told her that no monetary gain was acquired but since I happened to realize that I had not put on any eyeshadow this morning, I believed that I HAD won some beautiful silvery gray eyeshadow - and I wiped my finger tip across my eyelids!

So if I catch some rare tropical lottery disease or contract pinkeye (or grayeye) - THAT's why!

So, just how old is the WTP you ask? I am 41-derful years old today. The way I look at it, I'm moving into the middle third of my life (cuz you know that my plan is to live to be 119 and then die in a freak roller derby incident). Therefore, I don't feel old at all, barely middle-aged. I told MyPoolBoy that I planned to have his head freeze-dried and kept alive in one of those big ol' pickle jars so I can carry it around and still talk to him and drive him insane after his body dies...and he would have no legs to be able to walk out of the room to ignore me!

Freakin Hilarious

One of my friends just sent me a message that said she was reading my blog after an 18-pack and thought that it was "freakin hilarious"

Here are some other things that I deem to be freakin hilarious after an 18 pack:

*The back of a box of HoHo's ("ha ha it says HO")
*your best friend falling down on Main Street in front of the police station
*World hunger
*ramen noodles
*menus
*songs on the jukebox
*songs you WISH were on the jukebox and decided to sing out loud for everyone else to enjoy
*going to the men's room
*ugly guys
*ugly girls
*mullets
*BagLady's straw trick
*ordering water at the bar
*watching your best friend drink water thinking it was beer
*smacking down stupid young chickie-poos on Fashion Wars on Facebook
*toilet papering your bosses' houses
*local lettuce
*propositioning your husband in front of your children to scar them for life
*blogging
*The Wall Street Journal

Weird Science

Flipping through channels we ran across some young scientist competition thing. One of the moms is watching her son get a medal and she's freaking out and saying that her heart is pounding out of her chest, etc.

Gawd! Imagine if he played a SPORT.

Evil Twin

So for the past 4 or 5 days I have been relentlessly trying to find the end of an "interview" on Facebook. It is now kind of my own personal mission/obsession to get to the last question on the dayum thing - I think I am on question 198 or so. The last one was pretty good. It said describe your evil twin.

Easy.

Like me, only nicer




My next mission will be to retake the quiz and answer every question with a line from a Rick Springfield song.

Anniversary Waltz

There was an article in the paper about a couple who had put up with each other for 70 years. So - happy anniversary to them - and there was a cute little picture of them dancing and whatnot. I told MyPoolBoy that was gonna be us except he'd probably be on oxygen and dragging around one of those tanks with a cord up his nose - and I might "accidentally" step on the cord while we were dancing and he'd be turning blue and gasping for air and then he'd probably die and I could collect the insurance money and go buy new stilettos for beer pong.

I Am Humbled

And in awe. This is the writer I want to be when I grow up.

The Bloggess

Click. Read. Laugh.

More from the Bobsled

The storyline makes the video a little long but the song is hilarious! At first I felt a little bad for laughing - but then I remembered that I am going to h3ll on a bobsled ANYWAY.

Please Drink Responsibly

I have decided that this is not so much an admonition as it is an invitation.

So, now I feel obliged to have a glass of wine! Hey, they said "please!"

Died Laughing

That is what the coroner will report as my cause of death. I have the link to the original Amazon.com review, but I plan on saving the text in a draft to possibly put on here later because I am sure that this sucker will get yanked.

You might also want to read the responses to the review that appear below it (they go on for pages, but some are worth the scrolling and clicking).

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO READ WITH A FULL BLADDER!

Secret Review

I Inspire Youngsters

My niece (the Oreo-champagne dunker) on Christmas morning at my dad's house - note the pink monkey pj's, plastic high-heels and camouflage compound bow - true to her redneck-whitetrash-form that she has learned from her favorite Tia.

What you don't see is my dad's poor dog that has hauled a$$ out the open door behind her to have itself a merry little nervous breakdown.

Child Abuse

Lisa Bonet has named her child Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. The father is Hawaiian or something so part of the name is his middle name and that part of the name means strong warrior or some BS.

But you really should see BannedCamp having a field day with it. The website that they found the report on stated that it sounded more like a voodoo curse that some old woman chanted while she stuck pins in a doll. But one of the gals just imparted wisdom upon me that will stick: that the guy is 12 years younger than Lisa Bonet and she definitely "cougared UP"

Cougared up - this I can use

Vocab

Today Felix gives me and Baloney an update on the latest math findings from some meeting that she had to go to. She told us that they have put "minuend" and "subtrahend" on the 2nd grade math vocab list according to the CRAP-SCOPE curriculum and that those terms do not appear in the 3rd grade list. I asked her if those terms ever came up in her math-major college course-work.

Of COURSE NOT - not much - but she responded that maybe they thought that just because you didn't regularly use a term didn't mean you shouldn't let the kids be exposed to it.

I said well, so top number and bottom number won't do anymore?

She said, yeah, something like that, she guessed.

I told her bullshi+ because why say "penis" when "d1ck" expresses the exact same meaning?

And "entomophagous" is a word - you just don't go around using it in everyday conversation.

Edited to add: ok - good Lord! It means you eat insects.

Hores

Not one of my little darlings, but please note that it WAS written by a 3rd grader.