Red Red Wine

New Yorker humor column - how scientists have discovered that an element in red wine seems to slow the aging process in mice.

Mouse au Vin

"...he collapses in a pool of laughter and urine"

Been there.

Eye Had a Happy Birthday

I am typing this on my new pink laptop that MyPoolBoy got me for my birthday. I also am looking forward to enjoying the pink gator skinned flask that Thunderduck and his new woman got me. We called it the "babysitter's cup" when her little girl asked what it was! BWHAHAHAHAHA! I also laughed at Bi+chslap and the girls for once again buying me duplicates of the same birthday card. Felix provided us with the much necessary turtle cheesecake for after lunch today.

But we had a good howl at lunch after Bi+chslap handed me a scratch-off lottery ticket. Since I had given them all prank tickets for Christmas, I had to first ask if it was fake. The answer was no, so I intently began to scratch my way to my white trash retirement fund. Alas, none of the little silvery gray squares held the key to my fortune forcing me to continue to work, but I did end up with a fabulous silvery gray colored fingertip for my efforts. Bi+chslap came back in the room about the time I discovered the news that my poverty would continue and she asked if I had won anything. I told her that no monetary gain was acquired but since I happened to realize that I had not put on any eyeshadow this morning, I believed that I HAD won some beautiful silvery gray eyeshadow - and I wiped my finger tip across my eyelids!

So if I catch some rare tropical lottery disease or contract pinkeye (or grayeye) - THAT's why!

So, just how old is the WTP you ask? I am 41-derful years old today. The way I look at it, I'm moving into the middle third of my life (cuz you know that my plan is to live to be 119 and then die in a freak roller derby incident). Therefore, I don't feel old at all, barely middle-aged. I told MyPoolBoy that I planned to have his head freeze-dried and kept alive in one of those big ol' pickle jars so I can carry it around and still talk to him and drive him insane after his body dies...and he would have no legs to be able to walk out of the room to ignore me!

Freakin Hilarious

One of my friends just sent me a message that said she was reading my blog after an 18-pack and thought that it was "freakin hilarious"

Here are some other things that I deem to be freakin hilarious after an 18 pack:

*The back of a box of HoHo's ("ha ha it says HO")
*your best friend falling down on Main Street in front of the police station
*World hunger
*ramen noodles
*menus
*songs on the jukebox
*songs you WISH were on the jukebox and decided to sing out loud for everyone else to enjoy
*going to the men's room
*ugly guys
*ugly girls
*mullets
*BagLady's straw trick
*ordering water at the bar
*watching your best friend drink water thinking it was beer
*smacking down stupid young chickie-poos on Fashion Wars on Facebook
*toilet papering your bosses' houses
*local lettuce
*propositioning your husband in front of your children to scar them for life
*blogging
*The Wall Street Journal

Weird Science

Flipping through channels we ran across some young scientist competition thing. One of the moms is watching her son get a medal and she's freaking out and saying that her heart is pounding out of her chest, etc.

Gawd! Imagine if he played a SPORT.

Evil Twin

So for the past 4 or 5 days I have been relentlessly trying to find the end of an "interview" on Facebook. It is now kind of my own personal mission/obsession to get to the last question on the dayum thing - I think I am on question 198 or so. The last one was pretty good. It said describe your evil twin.

Easy.

Like me, only nicer




My next mission will be to retake the quiz and answer every question with a line from a Rick Springfield song.

Anniversary Waltz

There was an article in the paper about a couple who had put up with each other for 70 years. So - happy anniversary to them - and there was a cute little picture of them dancing and whatnot. I told MyPoolBoy that was gonna be us except he'd probably be on oxygen and dragging around one of those tanks with a cord up his nose - and I might "accidentally" step on the cord while we were dancing and he'd be turning blue and gasping for air and then he'd probably die and I could collect the insurance money and go buy new stilettos for beer pong.

I Am Humbled

And in awe. This is the writer I want to be when I grow up.

The Bloggess

Click. Read. Laugh.

More from the Bobsled

The storyline makes the video a little long but the song is hilarious! At first I felt a little bad for laughing - but then I remembered that I am going to h3ll on a bobsled ANYWAY.

Please Drink Responsibly

I have decided that this is not so much an admonition as it is an invitation.

So, now I feel obliged to have a glass of wine! Hey, they said "please!"

Died Laughing

That is what the coroner will report as my cause of death. I have the link to the original Amazon.com review, but I plan on saving the text in a draft to possibly put on here later because I am sure that this sucker will get yanked.

You might also want to read the responses to the review that appear below it (they go on for pages, but some are worth the scrolling and clicking).

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO READ WITH A FULL BLADDER!

Secret Review

I Inspire Youngsters

My niece (the Oreo-champagne dunker) on Christmas morning at my dad's house - note the pink monkey pj's, plastic high-heels and camouflage compound bow - true to her redneck-whitetrash-form that she has learned from her favorite Tia.

What you don't see is my dad's poor dog that has hauled a$$ out the open door behind her to have itself a merry little nervous breakdown.

Child Abuse

Lisa Bonet has named her child Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. The father is Hawaiian or something so part of the name is his middle name and that part of the name means strong warrior or some BS.

But you really should see BannedCamp having a field day with it. The website that they found the report on stated that it sounded more like a voodoo curse that some old woman chanted while she stuck pins in a doll. But one of the gals just imparted wisdom upon me that will stick: that the guy is 12 years younger than Lisa Bonet and she definitely "cougared UP"

Cougared up - this I can use

Vocab

Today Felix gives me and Baloney an update on the latest math findings from some meeting that she had to go to. She told us that they have put "minuend" and "subtrahend" on the 2nd grade math vocab list according to the CRAP-SCOPE curriculum and that those terms do not appear in the 3rd grade list. I asked her if those terms ever came up in her math-major college course-work.

Of COURSE NOT - not much - but she responded that maybe they thought that just because you didn't regularly use a term didn't mean you shouldn't let the kids be exposed to it.

I said well, so top number and bottom number won't do anymore?

She said, yeah, something like that, she guessed.

I told her bullshi+ because why say "penis" when "d1ck" expresses the exact same meaning?

And "entomophagous" is a word - you just don't go around using it in everyday conversation.

Edited to add: ok - good Lord! It means you eat insects.

Hores

Not one of my little darlings, but please note that it WAS written by a 3rd grader.

Ninja Death Liquor

Coined this phrase in honor of three fabulous concoctions that we have been enjoying:

1) BananaRamaShi+ (like Banana Laffy Taffy in a glass)
2) Lavender Margaritas (like a melted grape Otter Pop)
and
3) Apple Martini (like a liquid sour apple Jolly Rancher)

So deemed to be Ninja Death Liquors because they will get you when you least expect it and you won't see it coming!

Alcohol is a cough suppressant. And a fertility drug. Gotta be careful.

Two-berculosis and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

So I have contracted some sort of fabulous hacking-up disease just in time for the holidays. I know exactly which child came to school ill because it was party day and gave the lovely germ to me, too! Maybe there should be a pop quiz or some other form of torture in said child's future.

In the midst of my pain, illness, and mental anguish, Lurch asks me, "Mom, are you ok?" My reply was "no, I am pretty sure I am dying" and he chirped up, "well, we still have time to get to Payless to get you some shoes!"

Ok, admittedly hilarious. Makes me mad though that his obviously inherited quick-wit comes through when I am in the process of expelling a vital organ (namely, a lung) through the writhing convulsions of my coughing fits.

Convoy Movie song

TAKS Tasks

Well, we had to give the reading practice TAKS benchmark today (Merry Christmas, kiddies. You've been naughty this year, so Santa is giving you a TEST 3 days before you get out for the holiday!)

Anyway, the new admin has a system for us to get relieved for a potty break. Red Solo cups. At first I was thinking WTF? Are we supposed to use the cups to relieve ourselves? Thank the little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay, no.

We were to place them outside our classroom door as a "signal" to the hall monitor to call someone for us. Which to me seems like a shameful waste of beer pong supplies. However, in the same directive that explained the solo cups there were also instructions not to turn our back to the class, not to stand in the doorway, and to be constantly "actively monitoring" the kids. Pretty hard to do unless you are a contortionist.

So... I devised a plan -- we grab the cup, back up to the door surreptitiously, twist the knob, yell "INCOMING," throw the cup, and then run like h3ll back into the midst of the students.

My ingenious problem-solving skills are highly undervalued by my colleagues.

Did I Mention That I Will Have Beautiful Grandchildren?

I am sure the pictures of my potential grandchildren from TrainWreck and BrideOfTrainwreck's marital union will look fabulous in my wallet. However, I am sorely afraid that as attractive as the two of them are, there is a good chance that the kids will inherit absolutely no functional brain activity whatsoever.

Today, we were out shopping at some antique stores and BrideOfTrainwreck passes the counter and calls me over to come see a vodka bracelet that I MUST have... so I go investigate and I see where they have some sterling silver liquor decanter tags - the kind with the chains that go around the neck of the bottle. Yep. One of them said vodka on it.

MyPoolBoy, the clerk, and I are trying our best to stifle ourselves...

Poor girl. Like I said, I'm gonna have beautiful grandchildren.

Christmas Shoes Blog

A BannedCamper posted the link to this blog for us to read. Now there's more coffee on my laptop screen. Frikkin' BannedCamp needs to come with disclaimers for shi+ that is this funny -

Warning: May cause involuntary spewing of beverages onto computer monitor. Do not read if you have bladder control issues or are otherwise incontinent as laughing until you pee has occurred in some readers.

You MUST go here:

http://mikekenny.blogspot.com/2006/12/worst-christmas-song-ever.html


Swallow whatever you are drinking. Put on your Depends. Grab a hanky cuz you will be crying - from the laughter. Now go read it.