Christmas Is Over

Turned on the radio this morning and the first song on was not a Christmas carol:  

DELTA DAWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That is an omen to get my Lucille-karaoke voice back in shape.  And my mood can swing back to unfiltered heartless Bi+ch instead of caring giving loving sentimental crying-jag WTP.

NOW I can tell you what happened in the UPS place.  We went to ship gifts to everyone that we weren't supposed to buy gifts for (Rule #1: There are no rules for me), and there were 2 lines.  I got in the first line - why?  Because it was shorter (stupid stupid silly naive me - if the laws of lines at Walmart have taught me nothing, it should at least be that you NEVER get in the shortest line because there will be price checks and coupons and change shortages - I digress), I got into the short line and began to figure out that the girl in front of me with her unboxed stack of gifts, arranged on the counter in front of her as a towering monument to capitalism, has no box to ship in and did not check the website to see which shipping method would be fastest/cheapest.  The fool jerk idiot  a$$hole in a cowboy hat with a Santa hat on top of it - and thought he looked cute, but really he just looked like a moron - who was waiting on her. Anyway CowboyA$$hole is A) going to charge her $7 for a box B) going to charge her $4 more dollars for packing materials and C) tells her that ground service won't get to point X in-state by Christmas, so she better send it air service, which was $60 or $70 something dollars!!!!!!!!!! I KNEW this was crap because I had checked the website and my package was going to make it to Florida to Trainwreck by 7 pm on Christmas Eve.  And I bit my tongue.  HARD- just in case Santa was watching.  Because I figured my odds of making the "Nice List"  were getting slimmer and that it would not behoove me to suddenly burst into accusatory fits of screaming "LIAR!"  at CowboyA$$hole. 

Then I told MyPoolBoy that I was going to call the FedEx place and I would be in the truck.  I went and called information and the little guy at information said that he didn't have a listing for them, I told him that I thought it was under a name with Mail in it and it was on the highway.  He came back with the name and also offered that there was a UPS store in our town also.  I sweetly as h3ll tried to reply that I was at the UPS store and they were pissing me off, so I was trying to get the FedEx place on the phone before the words "in custody" became attached to my name in the local news paper.  He laughed and said, "I'm sorry."  I laughed and told him, "It's not your fault that the guy at UPS is an idiot, hun."  He laughed again and said, "I'm gonna connect you to the mail place - try to have a merry Christmas, ma'am." 

Now, I get ahold of the mail place, and because I live in Mullet County, there is no ground service available in our area.  Crap.  Of course.  So I was stuck with UPS.  I went back in and MyPoolBoy nudges me over to the line that had formed at the back of the store where a very sweet lady was waiting on customers.  YEA!!!!!!!!! Santa brought me a non-moron to wait on me for Christmas!  She weighs our box and smiles and says, "Wow!  This is saying that it will get there by 7 pm on Christmas Eve!"  And I, in my best LOUD no-shi+-Sherlock voice, reply, "Oh, I know.  That's what y'all's website said last night when I checked." and I shot a mega-bi+ch death glare at CowboyA$$hole.   CowboyA$$hole suddenly felt the need to trade spots with the guy who had been working in the back part of the store. 

Yep, holidays are over.  Peace and goodwill - OOOOOHHH Goodwill - let's go thrift store shopping!!!! 

ADHD and PMSly yours,
WTP

You Know What?

White trash knows no cultural boundaries. "You are on the STUPID 100% of the time."  Dirty laundry aired on-air:

http://a1135.g.akamai.net/f/1135/18227/1h/cchannel.download.akamai.com/18227/podcast/PHOENIX-AZ/KZZP-FM/snake-dontusethemouth.mp3

Hormones and Holidays Don't Mix

Please refer to rule #8 of "My 12 Rules of Christmas" post.   Yesterday was fruitcake-baking day. So I was already a bit of an emotional mess.  Thank goodness for waterproof mascara.  And then this happened: 

I went to Bealls to get cologne for Trainwreck. While standing in line, a guy comes through with a sales girl and he's dragging a suitcase and carrying a bouquet of flowers. He had a buzz haircut, and even though he was in civvies, I figured he was military. He and the sales girl were looking through the sale jewelry and she was scratching off some savings coupons trying to find one that was more than 20% off that he had. She got one and handed it to him and they go back to searching with another sales girl. They looked at necklaces and rings and finally I caught on that they were looking to find something that could be combined with the discount (that he was not supposed to use for sale items, but they didn't care) to meet his budget.

He told them he had spent everything on a plane ticket from South Carolina to surprise his  girlfriend, and he just wanted a little something for under the tree. I couldn't stand it any longer. I got out of line and went over and tapped him on the shoulder and asked him if he was military.

He said, "Yes, ma'am."  I told him I was sorry for eavesdropping, but my son was in the Air Force and I was actually  buying his present right now - and I asked if he minded if I helped him out.

"Oh, no ma'am it's ok," he said... I interrupted him and told him that he wasn't going to be home for Christmas this year, and I would just like to think that someone would help out my son while he was away. So, he went and picked what he wanted, and we got in line together and talked a bit.

Then we got to the cashier, who had heard the whole thing, and it was a lady I knew.  So she asked about the boys. I told her we had the other 3 home for Christmas but we just couldn't get Trainwreck home this year. Then she said, "Kind of a bittersweet holiday, I guess."

When she rang up our stuff, I handed her his coupon. She looked at it, then looked at me and winked - and even though she wasn't supposed to take the discount off of fragrances or sale items, she discounted it anyway. So that was kind of cool.

Then she handed us our sacks and I turned to tell the young man Merry Christmas and he hugged me and said that he hoped a hug from him would take the place of being able to hug my own son at Christmas.

I had a hard time letting go of him.

Someone commented that I gave him and his girlfriend a Christmas present that they will never forget.

Actually, it was the other way around. 

See there, Baloney? I'm not COMPLETELY heartless.  You can resume listening to your "Christmas Shoes" song again. 

My 12 Rules of Christmas

1.  The first rule of Christmas is that there are no rules for me.
2. The second rule of Christmas is that I reserve the right to go around making rules for everyone else.
3.  The third rule of Christmas is leave your crying-a$$ kids at home if you decide to go to Walmart.  I have a to-do list with items that must be accomplished, and there is probably a self-imposed deadline on those items, causing me huge amounts of neck-tensing anxiety.  I probably know the "Santa" in the garden center and I cannot guarantee that I won't bribe him with a six-pack to tell your brats that he won't bring them anything.
4.  The fourth rule of Christmas is everyone gets fruitcake.  And likes it. Or pretends to like it.
5.  The fifth rule of Christmas is tell me when we are out of Scotch tape. I cannot be held responsible for my actions/reactions if I get all merry and jolly and go to wrap a gift for someone and there is no tape because one of you used it all up trying to hold the batteries into the remote control because you lost the back. 
6.  The sixth rule of Christmas is don't give me a crappy Christmas gift (salt and pepper shakers shaped like the band members of KISS) or send me a sappy Christmas letter and not expect me to make fun of it.
7.  The seventh rule of Christmas is to stay out of the chocolate candy that my students gave me at the Christmas party at school.  It had my name on it.  I may have taken it out of the bag or box that had my name on it and laid it onto a beautiful Spode Christmas tree candy dish in a fabulous presentation in our home, but you will pull back a nub if you reach your grubby hand in to snatch a piece of it.  Unless it is cheap stuff.  And incidentally, truffles are not considered CHEAP STUFF.  
8.  The eight rule of Christmas is monitor your own behavior in accordance with my hormonal imbalances and mood swings.  I will cry if I hear "O Holy Night" while I am making cookies or fruitcake because it reminds me of my grandmother.  I will laugh if I hear "Christmas Shoes" at anytime because it is stupid.  If you can't discern the difference, too bad for you. 
9.   The ninth rule of Christmas is I do not like winter, but I do like Christmas.  You are not allowed to run the A/C during the month of December - I don't care if it is Texas and the wind chill is 94 degrees. I will turn on the electric fireplace and drink hot cocoa and you MAY be required to sit on the couch with me and "snuggle,"  subject to rule number eight (see above).   An amendment to this rule, also subject to rule number eight, is if I get the whim to go out in an unpredicted cold snap and look at Christmas lights, you are obliged to haul your a$$ out of the warmth of our cozy home and drive me where ever I command you to go. 
10.  The tenth rule of Christmas is the Snoopy ornament goes on the tree FIRST.  It has been this way for most of my life.  It has been this way longer than most of the inhabitants of my household have been alive.  Get out of the way and let me do it.
11.  The eleventh rule of Christmas is don't touch the radio.  It is set on the Christmas channel because I WANT it on the Christmas channel.  If I get a wild hair and decide I want to hear something else, I will change it.
12.  The twelfth rule of Christmas is if you have a know history of gastrointestinal dysfunction (including flatulence) you are limited to one serving (equivalent to 8 fl. oz.) of eggnog  per week.  If you would like more than one serving of eggnog per week, I suggest you space it out in this manner:  Drink 1 oz. per day, and you can have two 1 oz. servings on Saturday or Sunday as a special holiday weekend treat.

I can't even think of a title for this post

Ok, I was on BannedCamp this morning and the ads at the top of the forum were alternating between a FlyByNight University and a Christian World Charity organization of some sort asking me to please send money to buy a goat for an underprivileged third-world child.

A goat.

Goat.

NO.  I said GOAT. 

And there was more than one version of the ad rotating through.  Then a little while ago, I got on again and now the ad wants me to buy a SHEEP for little Diwali or whoever the heartstringtugging child in the ad is supposed to be.  And I'm wondering why he couldn't just ask Sinter Klaas or Father Christmas to fulfill his livestock wishes.  I guess a goat won't fit in a stocking.

And how could Santa get something like that down the chimney without making the whole hut smell like barbacoa and ruining the surprise for little Diwali?   

Then -- I got on Facebook, and this was in the sidebar of my profle:

"Mom" looks a little bit like a serial killer to me.  Or Jesus.  I'm pretty sure I could at least find "her" photo in a registered sex offenders lineup.  Is this "Mom" from a Slavic country?  Perhaps they got the scholarship ad copy intermingled with the photo layouts for the depilatory cream ad campaign.  I'm really not sure.  What the H3LL am I surfing on that makes this sh1t come up?

That's IT.  No more vodka while I'm on the web.  I don't even want to know what my Amazon recommendations would be this morning.

Pipsqueak

MyPoolBoy doesn't get me AT ALL. I am hereby sufficiently caffeinated and in the right mood that I am dancing along in my seat at the bakery watching this -- He is rolling his eyes at me. He may need slappin'.

Anyway.... The moves! The harmonies! You can't beat the Pips! This version is a little skewed (warning - not the original Pips!) But I freakin' love this song!!!!!!!!! So, let's recap for the morning: I'm a Pip, but I'm a Pip with cramps.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gj_BbsOp7wY

Bric-a-Brac Theater Christmas

"Pudding, pudding, kill, kill!" BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nn6rsDb_2Ws

Half Wit

One of the BannedCampers just posted that a Facebook friend of hers from high school was spouting off about her brilliant 3-year-old that the preschool is telling her is "pre-reading," and that the ditz wondered if the child was so gifted because she is half Korean.

After having a good laugh about what "pre-reading" is (recognizing the golden arches and assigning meaning to that letter as McDonald's, or the "Happy Meal Place") everyone launched into an assault on the chick's racial profiling of her own offspring.

Upon further determination that some of us (like me) have wonderful unlikely crossbred/inbred bloodlines such as Irish, German, and Comanche (shot of whiskey, chase it with beer, get uncivilized) -- one of the ladies told the original poster to tell the ditz that studies show Korean kids will peak early like that but level off after 3rd grade or so, and the to tell her that since the kid is only half-Korean perhaps she had a shot at making it all the way to middle school before tanking completely... with a reminder about Long Dong Whatshisname from Sixteen Candles.

To satiate my search for another fabulous comeback, I googled Half-Korean.

The first result was porn.

Virtuality

Chatting on Facebook with MyPoolBoy at breakfast this morning I realized that online chat is a great way to communicate those feelings that you otherwise couldn't utter in a public place. H3ll, we could have an entire knock-down, drag-out domestic disturbance right here in the bakery and as long as I don't go after him with a golf club, no one would ever know.

Postponed Thanksgivng Post

This post was postponed because I spent the last 3 days of my life in holiday/relative h3ll... and holiday/relative h3ll only has dial-up.

Went to MonsterInLaw's for Thanksgiving. MonsterInLaw has been through several medical issues lately, so the plan was for all of us (me, MyPoolBoy, and various relatives that managed to show up) to do the cooking this year. We arrived about 9 pm Wednesday night, upon whence we were given the word by MonsterInLaw's brother and “wife," that they had already shopped for the big meal and were getting a few things ready so we wouldn't have much to do in the morning, and we could all just sit down and visit. "Wife's" son, 40-something-year-old-Rainman/Forrest Gump-with-a-comb-over-mullet-and-still-lives-with-his-momma was with them. I am not making up the comb-over mullet part. Wish I could. Also wish I had a picture. ANYWAY. Was told that he has an actual name, but that he goes by Thumper or Peanut or Pequot or Peathump or some crazy bullshi+ like that. Was further informed that this is the son that "wife" does NOT have a restraining order against.

FFWD to Thursday. After sleeping late (for me) on Thanksgiving morning, assured that it was all "good to go," I strolled into an empty-except-for-me-and-MonsterInLaw kitchen at 9 a.m. to find a HUGE-A$$ roaster pan of cornbread made and about a dozen hardboiled eggs. I had gone to bed Wednesday night with the erroneous feeling of security that the other 3 adults had it all under control. Looks like we're having deviled eggs and cornbread, folks.

Luckily, the turkey was being smoked by a neighbor and it arrived shortly. I ran in desperation to the computer (on dial-up, mind you, which took 8 minutes) and pulled up my holiday meal checklist/schedule (because the first part of being analytical is "anal") and checked to see how far behind we were before I officially started to panic. MyPoolBoy woke and came in shortly after I did, so MyPoolBoy peeled and put the sweet potatoes in the oven, I peeled the potatoes and put them on to boil for mashed potatoes, MyPoolBoy boiled the onions and celery for the stuffing, and then I looked through the dozen or so boxes of mason jars of canned food in the back bedroom closet to find the last surviving jar of green beans in the entire house. Threw in some of the onions from MyPooBoy's pot and a couple of crushed strips of pre-cooked bacon. Yes, it's lazy. I was stressed. Eff you.

At 10:45 the rest of them awoke to inform us that they probably needed to put the ham in the oven. We had looked for the ham. We couldn't find the ham. We assumed they had forgotten the ham. No, no, it's here somewhere... after more senseless and futile searching, Peathump says he might not have gotten it out of the truck yesterday. Peathump had, indeed, not gotten it out of the truck yesterday. It was thawed, at least. That's alright, we can cook it up pretty quick. No hun, it's a 10 freakin' pound ham. It will take at least 4 hours. It should be ready about 3 pm - I'm not waiting that long for lunch. We'll have turkey for lunch and ham for supper.

That decision made, we were then told that the rolls still needed to be baked. This was about 11:00. Frozen yeast dinner rolls. Still frozen. And they remained unbaked until the ham was ready. So much for having everything done ahead of time.

Then MIL's brother used ALL the chicken stock to make the world's largest effing pan of dressing - leaving none for me to make gravy, so I improvised with some bullion. At 11:25 it was decided that the 3 of them could not work another single solitary minute without more cigarettes so they set out to town - 30 minutes away, on a holiday no less - on a quest to procure cancer sticks. Thank God.

"Dear Lord, today on this auspicious holiday, I would like to pause and give thanks for other people's nicotine addictions and for the good fortune of me discovering a half a flask of Crown Royal that MyPoolBoy forgot to take out of the door of his truck before we hit the road."

Oh, yes I did. I started drinking prior to 11:30 a.m. On Thanksgiving day.

I yelled at MyPoolBoy and Thunderduck and Chunk to set the table quickly before they got back because I did not intend to spend another second of my thread-hanging-on sanity in the kitchen with any of them.

Here's the REST of the story:

Peathump was wearing a hospital bracelet because he had gone in for an injury to his arm or something and they wanted him to remember what day he was there in case he needed to go back for a check up or something. Which we thought to be odd. Then we found out why. Peathump is bipolar. And ADHD. And something else. And on multiple medications.

He was bemoaning that he couldn't get enrolled in one of them computer courses down at that there community college so he could use their computers for free because they wanted him to have a GED.

His Mom told us that she had a friend that had a tattoo on her belly of some guy's name and she wanted to get it removed. She said her friend had wanted to just cut it off with a knife and then bandage it up and she told her that was a bad idea because it would get infected. Her friend talked her into a compromise – to get the knife blade hot and burn it off. She told her that she would do it but she couldn't tell anyone who had done it. So her OTHER friend held her friend's arms down on the couch and she got the blade glowing red hot and laid it down on her stomach and then she saw her the other day in the pharmacy downtown and the friend was getting something for the scar... here I was ASSUMING it was something dumb she had done in a drunken dare as a teenager. No. This was apparently done RECENTLY and they saw fit to discuss it in the middle of their local neighborhood RiteAid.

At this point, I went to get a bottle of water out of the back fridge. I wasn't really thirsty but I had to leave the room to process this information. And to let Thunderduck know that he was missing the free entertainment that his common-law-second-cousin was providing for the holiday.

Then Peathump announced that he wants a male lion cub but the humane society won't let him keep it unless he can prove he can take care of it long-term. --- tried to tell him that no one would sell one to him, he retorted that you can buy them off of the computer... he thought that Bubba H. back home had one at one time and that's where he had gotten it. (hand to Gawd - the guy's name was actually Bubba)

This is where I went to go get pie. I wasn't particularly hungry, but I had to leave the room before I peed on the couch.

Peathump complained that he couldn't see the numbers on the phone to dial anyone because his lithium makes his vision blurry.

This is where I left the room for no particular reason whatsoever. And I just stood in the laundry room and tried to freakin' BREATHE!

Peathump told us that he met some girl off of “that fubar on the computer” and he talked to her on the phone a couple of times, but he wanted to make sure that he wasn't going to meet or date her before he knew if she was gonna be able to hit him as hard as a man could and she told him that she was schizophrenic and he decided he didn't want to talk to her anymore.

I think I need a t-shirt that says "I survived holiday h3ll with Peathump and all I got was this lousy t-shirt." And I need another drink.

Bohemian Rhapsody - Not Queen

Animal: Mama..... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgbNymZ7vqY

Coming soon.... the Thanksgiving post that was postponed due to the fact that MonsterInLaw still has dial-up.

Team Work

MyPoolBoy came up behind me and started kissing on the back of my neck. Very romantic. Then he bit me. Hard.

I told him I felt like I needed to rush out and get a Team Edward or Team Jacob shirt before the moon got full.

Holy Vaca - This is HILARIOUS!

Put on your Depends before he gets to the second verse because it will cause you to laugh till you pee .... you've been warned --

If I'd had known this caliber of educational material was available, I would have had MyPoolBoy watching it in lieu of going to Spanish class.  We could have saved all that gas and tuition money!

Second Semester of Spanish Love Song - YouTube

bored

here is how boring my house is right now.... Thunderduck just asked me how to use the spot upholstery cleaner.

Toil and Trouble

Thunderduck and Chunk were at school with me last night while I cleaned up my table and graded a few papers. Thunderduck and I made a reference to Macbeth, and Chunk popped up with "what's that?" We laughed at his expense, of course, and then I told him that it was a Shakespeare play. He said "How was I supposed to know that?" I told him he needed to get some culture. Then he asked me, "How am I supposed to do that?" Thunderduck told him it was easy: he could just "Google that shi+." To prove his point, Thunderduck did exactly that. He Googled "how to get culture" on one of my classroom computers. He called Chunk over and said, "Here, look at this" and proceeded to click on the first link. Which brought him to this:



That's right. Access Denied.

Peyton Place School District will educate your child, but we will not expose them to culture!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dance Instructor

Pretty much decided tonight that Def Leppard's Greatest Hits should come with a pole-dancing how-to booklet in the CD case to get your potential stripping career off to a fabulous, successful start. I figure we could get rich quick, $1 at a time.

Prize Winning Idea

DrunkenFelix and I decided tonight that we are like the Mother Theresas of abandoned beers and shots we should get Nobel Prizes for rescuing them from their orphaned state when they are left - paid-for - on the bar.

My 13 Rules of Halloween

Well, here I sit out in my yard and I have decided that I need to set some melon vodka-induced ground rules for the freeloaders, I mean trick-or-treaters, that trespass, I mean come trick-or-treating, at my house:

1) If you are taller than Lurch, you get ONE piece of candy
2) If you have bigger boobs than I do, you get ONE piece of candy
3) If you are wearing a high school class ring, you get ONE piece of candy
4) If you are wearing a WEDDING ring, you get NO candy.
5) If you say anything smart-a$$ other than "trick-or-treat," I will not think you are clever or cute because I put up with that shi+ all week long, and you get ONE piece of candy
6) If you pick up and touch the decorations I have set out on my candy table, you get ONE piece of candy
7) If you reach into the candy bowl to help yourself, you get ONE piece of candy
8) If MyPoolBoy recognizes you from his after school detention duty at the high school, you get ONE piece of candy
9) If you shove and push your little brother or sister where I can witness it, you get ONE piece of candy
10) If you are old enough to create your own costume and you have not made even a remote attempt at wearing one, you get ONE piece of candy.
11) If I recognize you because you have dated one of my now-old-enough-to-vote-and-be-drafted sons, you get NO candy.
12) If you were on a sports team with one of my sons, you get NO candy.
13) If you are an obnoxiously loud precocious 6-year-old dressed as Wonder Woman loaded with what is obviously already more than enough sugar for the evening and you see fit to yell out at my orange lights that it's not Christmas yet, why are my lights out, and then proceed to argue with Lurch about whether Santa Claus brings candy or presents or both, you get ONE piece of candy and hopefully a lump of coal from Santa.

And a little kid just asked if the fake hand on the candy table was a real hand. I told him that it was the hand of the last kid that reached out and touched stuff on my table.

One in Four

Why is it that the feminine product commercials are getting stupider and stupider? At least it gives me something to blog about, so I guess I shouldn't complain. Of course I am going to have a smart-a$$ comment for anything remotely stupid that dares rear its head in my line of sight. There's this one on tv right now that proclaims one in four home pregnancy tests are misread. I actually like these odds. That means I misread ONE of my four positive results and the subsequent resulting births were, in fact, misread.... and I can send one of them back!!!!!!!!!!!!


And, I just overheard one of the boys that works with Lurch in the bakery make a comment in an unrelated conversation -- "that's the fun part of being a parent." Of course he has no children (he's in his 20's) -- Silly boy. There IS no fun part of being a parent.

Star Crossed Lovers

Today one of the worst spellers in the class sent a jaggedly cut-out notebook paper heart artfully decorated with garish stripes of bold Crayola marker and a semi-legible message of love and admiration enclosed inside. Complete with a shaky third-grade pseudo-cursive signature.

The object of her affection happens to be one of the worst readers in the class. And for all his might, he could not read it. Let's just say "Hooked on Phonics" was not working for him at the moment. He brought it to me, and before I had a chance to read it to him, another (and, I'm sure *well-meaning*) "friend" snatched it and began to read it out loud.

Now not only was the sendER red-faced, teary-eyed, blowing snot bubbles and hiding her head on her desk, but the sendEE was equally mortified and turned bright red, and felt as if he needed to apologize to the SpellingChampion for being unable to read her profession of adoration, which only set her off again, as more *well-meaning* "friends" gathered 'round to stick their noses into the midst of the daytime drama.

Geez. Now I guess I've gotta teach these little darlings to read and write or their romantic lives will be screwed up forever and I'll be watching their a$$es on Jerry Springer in 15 or 20 years.

Or should I selfishly let their paths continue, like ships that pass in the night, missing this opportunity for romance so that they don't grow up, get married and cross-breed their writing/reading talents into the generation of students that finally makes me throw in the towel and retire?

Way Better Than Cougar Bingo

Photo courtesy of Bi+chslap's husband's IPhone.

Now the idea for THIS game has promise! It's like Extreme Cougar Bingo or something. We simply must discover/create the rules of play.

Hands Down

MyPoolBoy has another round of poker going at a new place downtown. I am out early, as usual, and I am sitting here surveying the lay of the land. Looked over at the bar just now and noticed one of those bar-top video games... the tracing of someone's hand and a virtual knife trying to stab all around it for points. Craziest sh1t I hav seen tonight? Who PLAYS these games???? Who INVENTS these games? btw: the answer is not ME, those of you playing the home version of our game can shut up.

So. Poker continues. I got frustrated with one of MyPoolBoy's "friends" and I swear the testosterone was as thick as some of them's dayum heads. When they started counting each other's chips on the blinds I decided it was time to go away for awhile. Went all-in without counting my chips, then folded. I told B1tchslap that I was going to go concentrate really hard on all things female (flowers, Lisa Frank pens, episiotomies) to force myself to start my period just so we could get some estrogen flowing to counteract them slapping their pen1ses on the table.

I think that he's wearing a National Guard shirt. Perhaps he IS in the National Guard. I hope they ship him to somewhere sucky and boring where there is not any fighting or anything going on. Somewhere where he has to patrol a dried-up lake or some bullshi+ to protect a weird, endangered blood-sucking insect that feeds solely off of human flesh. And that he gets eaten alive by that same weird, endangered blood-sucking insect that feeds solely off of human flesh.

Am I bi+chy and bitter???

Bi+chy maybe. But not bitter.

Just female.

A First

Here's a new one -- even for me. Last night the waitress came over to our table and asked my tiara wearin' self if I had a ride home. I pointed at MyPoolBoy and told her that I was with him. She said, ok, good, because TABC had just been in and saw all of us and told them they wanted to make sure they weren't overserving anyone.

In other words, they thought I was drunk. Imagine that. Me. Drunk.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Grave Mistake

So. Seriously. I almost drove into a curb when I saw this. I simply must get a picture to post on here to prove that I absolutely, positively cannot make this sh1t up....

As I passed the local nursing home on the way home from work today, I noticed their Halloween decorations and couldn't miss the life-size huge-a$$ blow-up lawn ornaments they had on display - one of which was a HEARSE!!!!

What freakin' disgruntled-employee sicko got ahold of the corporate credit card and made THAT inappropriate purchase??????????????

Or an Aneurysm

Lurch pointed out during the Michael Bolton song that was playing on the radio at dinner that Ol' Mike sounds like he needs to settle down a little bit or he was gonna hurt himself. Or have an aneurysm.

I think it's just that he has taken to recording live from his very own bathroom because he is passing a kidney stone and that's how he hits the high notes.

BTW stone and notes are spelled with the same letters... I'm just sayin'......

I'm Speechless

Seriously. I have laryngitis. Felix thinks it is the funniest thing ever that something finally got me to shut up.

Wore a sign on my shirt all day that said "I can't talk." It totally cracked the kids up.

It wasn't this bad yesterday --- yesterday I had a smooth, deep, throaty Kathleen Turner sexy voice. I was thinking of becoming a jazz singer.

Today I sound like a helium-sucking cartoon character.

Fiction

Lurch and one of his little teeny bopper friends is sitting at the table next to us, and they are having a freakishly serious conversation about their DS's. TeenyBopper has just made the comment that she will get hers back in 3 months and she can't wait. WTF? This girl has already graduated high school, and she's a pretty good kid, so I can't imagine her being grounded from her DS. My 2-beer-limit-mental-capacity brain has therefore concocted its own story for what might be the reason for the separation from her beloved video console:

Her pimp has been taking more than his fair share of the cut of her earnings. She needs some quick cash as she is jonesing for a crack fix. The DS is at the pawn shop and she won't have enough money from her "dancing" job saved up until Christmas or so to get it back out.

MyPoolBoy says no. And now he's cutting me off and making me go home.

Kathleen Turner Quote

"More man than you'll ever be, and more woman than you'll ever get."

The Long and Short of It

Two things.

One: Apparently I have erroneously thought that I was 5'7" tall for like the last 25 years of my life. In fact, I have unknowingly perjured myself to the DPS on my driver's license since I was 18, because I recently discovered that I am 5'8" tall.

Two: I can't see myself in the mirror from the shoulders up if I am wearing heels in the ladies' room of our local Chinese food restaurant.

QueenB said that's what I get for measuring myself at 7-11 because those door jambs vary from location to location.

Dumb as a Doormat

Went to the local hardware/home supply store today to get a new welcome mat for the house. Now, it is not the week o' the month to be trying to have any sort of civil interpersonal dealings with me, so it's not that I want anyone to feel like I am welcoming you into my house. I just wanted a green one to match the shutters.

So.... MyPoolBoy and I are schlepping to the back of the store to procure the aforementioned welcome mat. I whine at him to carry it, and because he values his life and/or manhood parts, he obligingly carries it to the register for me. We get to the front and the dumb@ss inbred mf-ing stupid bi+ch at the check out inanely grins at me and says, "Oh *giggle giggle* there's not a scan code on it" I look at her. I look at MyPoolBoy. And? So I say, "well, they were 9-something" and StupidBi+ch says "Oh, *giggle giggle* I have to have the scan code."

Again... I look at her. I look at MyPoolBoy. And? At this point, really and truly, I figured she would take the hint and call someone in the flooring department to do a price check. Apparently she was getting a mani-pedi on the day they covered THAT part of the training. I mean, truly, it was not going to enter her petite little brain AT ALL.

That's when I decided to "become an advocate for my own customer service."

Let me reiterate a completely relevant point here: It is not the week o' the month to be trying to have any sort of civil interpersonal dealings with me, especially if you are a StupidBi+ch. And in my own defense, I had elected to enter the world of retail during the course of this week without the aid of Midol or vodka. For me, that's like doing stunts without a net. I honestly did not have, nor did I care to have, the patience to tutor this idiot on how to obtain a price-check. Instead, I stormed off to get another rug - one with a scan code so that StupidBi+ch could do her dayum job.

And I did my storming off NotQuietly, getting louder as I went so that my volume was adequately proportionate to the distance that StupidBi+ch was from me. OH SURE I GUESS I'LL JUST TRUDGE ALL THE WAY TO THE BACK OF YOUR STORE (stares from the guys looking at the lighting display) BECAUSE YOU CANNOT SEEM TO MUSTER THE CRANIAL ABILITY TO PICK UP YOUR LITTLE WALKIE TALKIE PHONE DEALIE AND (stares from the poor lady picking out paint samples in the paint department) CALL SOMEONE IN THE FLOORING DEPARTMENT (stares from the 2 guys working in the flooring department - which, incidentally, pissed me off worse to discover that there was more than sufficient staff on duty to have done the price check) TO FIND OUT THE PRICE OF A DAD-GUM FLOOR MAT! AND BY THE WAY IT IS NINE-SOMETHING!

I resisted the urge to pick up all the mats in the stack and haul them up front so that she'd be responsible for having them all hauled back. (Restraint. I do possess it.)

I dropped the everlovin' doormat on her counter on my way out of the door, remarking to MyPoorEmbarrassedDumbfoundedPoolBoy: "pay for it, I'll be in the truck."

I later confided to him that I harbor a deep loathing for stupid people, and this particular week, it meant he needed to keep anyone whose IQ is below mine out of my way.

He said he didn't think that information was a real big secret and besides he can't keep 98.8% of the population away from me.

Then he went and bought me stuff to shut me up. I *heart* him.

The Breakfast Club

Lumps in old school stovetop style Cream of Wheat = good

Lumps in instant Cream of Wheat = sawdust

The Object of My Ridicule O' the Day

She is 40-50 ish, red-brunette hair (can't pinpoint the actual Miss Clairol #, but it is from the box, nonetheless). This chick is WHITE. And wearing shorts and a tank top (God help us - I need my shades) So. Let me just describe for you the tank top and the surrounding body parts to give you an idea about the trainwreck that I am trying to look away from... the seams of her black and white leopard print tank top are being stretched to maximum capacity while she reads what I assume obviously to be the fashion pages of the newspaper. This garment is NOT sufficient to hold in her bra-less size 42 D's, as she keeps tugging at the deep V-neck in a futile attempt to cover up the girls. Completely laughable, but I am containing myself well.

MyPoolBoy nudged me and wanted to know how many cougar bingo spaces I would get. uh... none. Alas, she is not a cougar, just trashy (I am secretly a bit jealous of her brazenly open trashiness). THEN she starts gazing into her tired-looking manfriend/husband's eyes singing along out loud to some 70s folksy sounding song on the radio. He appears to be trying to will her to stop with his indifferent expression.

It's not working.

OK now wait wait wait ... I just got distracted by a woman at the table next to her with a broken arm who just chugged her (I guess) pain pills straight from the prescription bottle before taking a swig of coffee. Oh hayul yes! She just did it AGAIN!!!!!!!!!

I'm so easily amused...

Eel-ated Fishermen?

This fish story was sent to me by Bi+chslap, who was forwarding it to me from her husband with the message that it sounded like my blog (I'm guessing he was thinking of the Bubba and the Skunk story). It starts out mundanely enough. Once you start reading past the photo, though, you will probably have beverages exit your nostrils.

http://seabreezenews.com/issue/Page_01c.pdf

Dear Middle School Cheerleaders

I have a few points of advice on cheer choice I would like to share with you -

1) The "Defense /clap clap/ Defense /clap clap/" cheer doesn't go over real well if we have the ball. Here's an idea: WATCH THE GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2) Two Bits. Limit it to once per game, please. Unlike you, who has the energy level of an ADHD howler monkey hopped up on Mountain Dew, most of us in the stands are old and we just got off of work. We really don't feel like "standing up and hollering" too many times.

3) R-O-W-D-I-E is actually NOT the way to spelling "rowdy." Your English teacher should be shot for letting such ignorance loose on the unsuspecting masses. By yelling this gross misspelling at the top of your lungs, you are further perpetuating the decline of literacy in our country. At the very least get a dictionary prior to going ahead with any more "cheertastic" ideas for cheers, ok?

The Way to a Man's Heart is Kool-Aid and a Push-Up Bra

"It's dramatic, but less ghetto..."

More Pop Video

First of all the poor S.O.B. has THREE BEERS in front of him to allow these girls to do this to him.

The retching and screaming OH MY GOD! and describing the smell that the girls do in the background only adds to the disgustingness of it all.

Princess of the World

Ok. So there is this contest on the site for that 2012/end of the world movie to give you the chance to become the honorary leader of the leftover world if, in fact, the world ends in 2012. Just so you know, I am entered. To celebrate, I drank a bottle of wine and ran around the house screaming at MyPoolBoy and Lurch and Chunk that I was the Princess of the Leftover World and they had to do what I say. Decided to have a "White House" only paint it pink when I came into power. Made plans to go to Sherwin Williams to find the perfect lovely shade of ballet pink to accomplish this task. Announced that the national bird will be a flamingo. Told them all to start addressing me as "Your Highness" to be in practice for when the big day comes. Sang 1/2 of "Jessie's Girl" at the top of my lungs before proclaiming it my national anthem. MyPoolBoy said he is going to study where the asteroid is going to hit because he wants to be at Ground Zero to avoid living in a world with me in charge.

Told them all matter-of-factly "Y'all are no fun, and I'm gonna make you stand in the corner of the Oval Office." Then I passed out.

Y'all should totally vote for me if you survive the apocalypse....

The Sure-to-Be-Infamous TMI Post (Seriously - TMI, People - You Have Been Warned)

Woke up this morning and had to shi+ like 3 times. Told MyPoolBoy that if I, in fact, did shi+ myself to death my dying wish was for him to flush it, pull my britches up, and drag my body into the bedroom and make it look like a heart attack or something.

WTP Gift Idea

Somebody that truly loves me should seriously buy me this. I've also seen ones that you plug into the USB of your computer...

Pole Dance Doll

Da Bomb

Today they posted in my classroom an FBI bomb threat checklist presumably to use as a reference in the event that a "bomb threatener" calls me while I am in the midst of molding the young minds of America. No shi+.

It includes a list of questions to ask the caller, numbered in the order to ask them, and in their "raw" state...by raw state I mean they contain typos and grammatical errors. None of the questions address the issue of getting fair warning for comfortable shoes rather than the spike heels I suffered with during our last bomb threat. Duckit and I want to know if we don't make it through all the questions will we get in trouble? (Please, sir, I really need you to calm down and answer each of my questions - we may be being monitored for quality assurance.)

The second part lists voice characteristics to check off....I like to think of these as "character traits" (h3ll, I can turn anything into a TAKS lesson!), lisps and stuttering and accents -- then later on down you are supposed to evaluate the voice's tone such as loud, angry, and incoherent. I'm just guessing that if the bomb threatener had a lisp AND stuttered AND had an accent we could check the incoherent box!!!!!!!!!! (Perhaps there should be a separate form for the lisping, stuttering, incoherent threatener with an accent to be referred for Speech and/or ESL assistance.)

Then we noticed we are supposed to record time -- Wait! Mr. Bomb Threatener!!! I need to go get my fluency timer. Can you repeat that at an acceptable rate with expression and accuracy so I can record it???? I'm thinking 118 words correct per minute -- it's what 3rd graders have to read... I can evaluate that pretty accurately.

Also -- while we are timing this and asking the guy 20 questions and marking off his voice qualities, we are also supposed to listen for and record background noises. Crockery. wtf????? Pottery? Excuse me sir, is that crockery I hear smashing in the background of your threat or is it merely ceramicware?????

WAIT!!!!!!!! Is it BINGO???? We see how many of the boxes we can check off if a bomb threatener calls us. Will we win a prize???? Will it be a lovely set of crockery ??????

I keep telling the Lucilles that strippers have a much less stressful work environment. Duckit finally agrees. She said she bets no strippers are having to keep bomb threat phone log documentation.

OMG ESL PMS TFLN LOL

Well. This is a long post, but very enlightening. The day started normally enough. I went to breakfast as usual for a Saturday at the bakery with MyPoolBoy. Then I drank FOUR cups of coffee. I guess I was trying to fill the void I felt from lack of studying with some caffeine. See, I had to go take the ESL teacher certification test yesterday and let's just say it did not go well. I started off jittery (could it possibly have been from all that java?) and, as I later discovered, PMSing. So by the time we drove to the BigCity and spent 30 minutes looking for the place, MyPoolBoy yelling at me because we were lost, I was not in a testing mood. Ran in to find what room I was supposed to be in and then dashed like mad for the nearest bathroom, as my bladder and kidneys were sufficiently caffeinated for a rhinoceros. Came out and reported to MyPoolBoy (who I was still mad at for yelling at me right before a test) that my urine smelled like coffee and frustration.

Went and took the test in a room whose air conditioning unit was sucking all the electricity in the western hemisphere because it ran CONSTANTLY and must have been set on about 35 degrees. DownUnder was there -- she was nervous -- said that she was just considering it her "trial run." 9 questions into the test, I found crap that I had never heard of before. Confidence levels, already shot from being yelled at, went to an all-time low by question 21 when I discovered more shi+ that was not covered in the training academy. Question 26 was something we were told we didn't have to worry about, this was ESL, not bilingual, blah blah blah --- guess they were wrong. I was ok with it, but I was expecting to see DownUnder have an episode that would get her removed from the facility and cause her test scores to be voided without refund.

In all, I counted 7 questions that were not covered in the training or in the training materials/manual. I knew 4 of them just because I know some Spanish and I teach Language Arts. But I was pissed off. And I was freezing. I had taken a sweater, but I was STILL LITERALLY SHIVERING, sitting cross-legged with my feet tucked up under my legs to keep my toes from getting frostbite.

Finished 70 questions in less than 90 minutes. Changed about 25 answers 3 times. Left feeling less confident than I ever have about a test. Wow. Mediocrity sucks.

Met MyPoolBoy at the truck and instructed him that I needed alcohol -- STAT! Went to an Olive Garden and began by ordering a glass of chianti and stuffed mushrooms. Then I figured it would be a good idea to text some of the Lucilles and my new teaching partner, Duckit (there is a whole story here that I will have to explain later). Here's what I discovered on my phone this morning:

(5:33 pm - Me) Done with esl test. Exam was administered in a meat locker. Core body temp fell to nearly debilitating low. Will continue in next text. (first glass of chianti was gone at this point)
(5:38 pm - Duckit) 2 bad u didn't freeze nto a popsicle stick we could make a documentary about the trials & tribulations of exemplary teachrs (there's a story with the popsicle stick, too -- lord I'm behind on blogging!)
(5:41 pm - Me) Pt. 2 - fat bi+ch administering exam did not care that i had frostbite. 10 --wtf there's no percent sign-- of the stuff we did not cover in training.
(5:45 pm - Duckit) Probably field ?s no worries if i passd so shall u grab a coffee on your way home 2 thaw out (here she is still sweetly and naively responding to each of my texts, silly girl! I laughed at the coffee suggestion - partly because I was NOT drinking coffee, and also because I was just starting to get my urinary tract to end its quest to visit every restroom on the east side of the BigCity)
(5:50 pm - Me) Pt. 3 - i'm screwed. Glass #2 of chianti has arrived at my table. Im warmer and i don't give a shi+. Oh well All i get are psycho students, not esl anyway (punctuation and capitalization rules are clearly beyond my grasp by glass #2)
(6:07 pm - Me) Pt. 4 - if i get arrested at olive garden 4 public intox i can just sit it out cuz i have 49.5 days of state leave. TeachingPartner, ur blog name is gonna b Duckit! (I now have lapsed into full-blown middle school cheerleader texting mode)
(6:10 pm - Bi+chslap) Im sure u/it will b fine enjoy wine & food & as da mob would say foget about it
(6:13 pm - Me) Pt. 5 - (the second glass of chianti is gone) MyPoolBoy won't carry me out of olive garden - Duckit, rustill in the BigCity to come get me? (notice I have now added lack of spacing to my phone text error repertoire)
(then we went across the street so MyPoolBoy could shop for tools and I found a thrift store!)
(6:17 pm - Me) Am now ddrunk shopping at a thrift store. This shi+ is not in dress code. Felix the bra sniffer guy is not here today (note the double d in drunk -- loss of keystroke control!)
(6:18 pm - Duckit) I thought of alcohol it would warm u up but im not one 2 push people towards drnkng please dont get arrestd...
(6:19 pm - Me) this was a picture mail, inspired by a Crayola Crayon maker. I had decided that my friends needed to see the first thing I saw that was interesting to my drunken self. The message read: Pt. 7? Who wants it?
(6:21 pm - Felix) What is it and how much
(6:23 pm - Baloney) What the heck is it WTP you are my saturday night entertainment its this or watch the little league world series
(6:24 pm - Me) Crayola maker 5 bucks
(6:24 pm - Felix) Buy it
(6:25 pm - Me) no message, just a photo of the infamous sniffed black bras
(6:25 pm - Felix) no
(6:25 pm - Duckit) I vote u buy it we r actually home but heading 2 school now would be a good time 2 leave a Packmule Trail (omg I have to explain THIS one too!) u can always blame it on the alcohol
(6:36 pm - Me) another picture mail - this was where I went all Vogue on them and began a fashion shoot in the dressing room stall. I was wearing leopard print pants, a brown camisole with FUR around the bustline, a white fur hat, and leopard print platform heel shoes that I couldn't get in the shot. Duckit later told me that she thought I was in the men's restroom!
(6:37 pm - Felix) omg
(6:38 pm - Bi+chslap) what the h3ll is on ur head
(6:38 pm - Me) picture of the shoes
(6:39 pm - Felix) double omg
(6:43 pm - Me) I probably now have lice from putting that hat on but who cares? I have 49.5 state days
(7:09 pm - Duckit) U look cougarlicious

Cougarlicious. I love her.

Tabling the Issue

Thunderduck is freakin' out for a napkin or kleenex. SnotFace just picked his nose and was fixin' to wipe the boogers on the table. I told him that's what he gets for teaching him not to eat them.

While I was Away (YouTube)

Bullet dodged.

This guy's mom is probably grateful that he didn't marry this chick and produce stupid grandchildren. All chances of "My grandbaby is an honor student" bumper stickers would have been out the window with one slipped sperm.

Is MyPoolBoy Famous Now?

I totally promise you, despite the receding hairline, the slit-down-the-sides shirt, cartful of beer and cokes, and the fact that Mr. Walmart is walking toward a RED TRUCK -- that this is NOT MyPoolBoy. Edited to Add - Thunderduck just pointed out that it can NOT be MyPoolBoy because there is not enough back hair BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go HERE:

http://peopleofwalmart.com/?p=67

Me

Just a small sampling of the kind of mood I've been in lately.


see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Somebody Check Hell

I think their thermostat may have gone out. My nasty filthy tomcat Donny just got caught actually bathing himself. A first for the year, I think.

Tri-Lingual

So. We were at the Mexican food restaurant down the street from our house and they had the tv on some Chinese kung fu-type movie.

In Spanish.

With English subtitles.

I promise you, people, I can't make this shi+ up.

The only way this could've possibly been any better is if the English subtitles had been in text-message shorthand lingo, or ValleySpeak, or Ebonics.

Johnny Cash Does Elvis - I'm Not Kidding

Absolutely one of the funniest things I've ever seen

My favorite video of the week

AKA MJ RX

So the news is saying that Michael Jackson had 19 aliases for his prescriptions. Some idiot caller called in and said "but you need photo i.d. for prescriptions."

Seriously? Like h3ll MJ is going to Rite Aid for himself to get his drugs!

oh. My. Gawd. IT's. DIP!

So. MyPoolBoy has decided that I deserve a break and we are out of town and going to stay at a little bed & breakfast (it is SOOOO CUTE!) and spend the weekend antique shopping and getting a massage/facial tomorrow. Anyhoooooo, he took me to eat at a Mexican food place that Thunderduck just raved and raved about and swore was great.

So we're sitting there and out comes the chips and salsa and The Dip. We THINK The Dip was guacamole. All I can say is that this was the most Dr. Seuss-a$$ looking dip that I have ever been presented with. Bright. Mint. Green.

The following picture was taken with a camera phone in the low lighting of the restaurant and does not come anywhere close to re-creating the exact hue of what was set before me. Jack with your monitor settings for about 20 minutes and remove all the red hue from your screen. The result will be somewhat close to the 1950's travel trailer turquoise tint in the bowl. The lady's purse in the top left corner of the picture is closer to the real thing.


Oh wait! Let me also interject that the margaritas tasted like the Daquiri Ice sherbet at Baskin Robbins, so it really wasn't like I was drinking at all!

So, MyPoolBoy asks the poor little waiter guy what it is -- and PoorLittleWaiterGuy proceeds to recite the ingredients to us: avacodoes, sour cream, cilantro... and then -- because PoorLittleWaiterGuy failed to realize that when I ordered my margarita, I required a child's plate margarita so my mouth wouldn't go into high gear -- -- I then added (with a rather loud blurt) "...and EASTER EGG DYE!"

MyPoolBoy was a tad bit mortified.
I was laughing uncontrollably.
The usual.

Daddy's Little Girl

One of my friends said that her husband said that she is starting to look more like her father and she is not sure how to take it.

How I would take it would be that MyPoolBoy would not get laid for at least 22 business days.

Unless my dad was some really hot drag queen like Chandler's dad on "Friends."

Boob Sweat

wtf?

Well crap

5 things

I was desperate enough to drink my cheap-a$$ bottle of zinfandel that I put ICE CUBES in it to chill it.

I Lied

It's 4 things: I was gonna add my new teaching partner to my Facebook, but I can't remember her effing maiden name.

Sometimes inebriation is a bi+ch.

2 Things

No wait. 3 things.

1: Where do the random SHOES on the highways and byways of America come from? What kind of bender did you go on to leave ONE shoe in the middle of the road?

B: I told MyPoolBoy to drive by the house on our way home from the liquor store so that I could admire the new paint job. And he did - like at 68 miles an hour. I told him I would never be in a gang with him because he doesn't give you enough time to aim during a drive-by. So - MyPoolBoy / me --- not the same gang.

Finally: I totally think someone hypnotized MyPoolBoy's dayum cat..... Oh wait. No. Maybe he got on the counter and drank some wine.

Whoa.

I totally have never seen the words "liquor store" on my phone screen before.

Sage Advice

Dude. If you drive your car through the front wall of the liquor store they will definitely NOT sell you anything.

My New Favorite website

texts from last night

These rank right up there with Felix's voicemail: "call me back and tell me how the night ended"

It's Cryin' Time Again

Been watching the howler monkeys yesterday and today. TheDivaMonster went to the "crying corner" a LOT. I told MyPoolBoy the last time she went that I felt like I wanted to go with her and take a glass of wine with me!

8 MILES WIDE

Banned Camp video suggestion o' the day. My new favorite song.

Problem

How are we supposed to finish painting this house with only 3 cans of beer left?

Bus Leaves at Noon

So MyPoolBoy has been making smarta$$ comments because Pepita offered to buy me a ticket to see my next husband, Mr. Rick Springfield, in concert in Ft. Worth if I could just figure out how to get there. MyPoolBoy said he would buy me a bus ticket to go - "thank God and Greyhound," I would be Rick's problem then, and all that.

It will be the "Rick of Love" bus on VH1 -- watch me!

Tact from the Tacky

A quandary. You see, as hard as it still is for some of you to believe, I am a bit of a bi+ch. And this personality affliction only worsens when I am under the influence of anything fermented. So when the opportunity to rate pageant contestants presented itself, I did not decline - in fact I embraced it with an eerie psycho-esque zeal. And I am trying really hard to blog this with a bit of tact -- at least until the person I want to win actually has the tiara firmly on her head.

Anyhoo - I was drinking Sangria (yummy) and rating the pageant contestants and it is not beneath me to give everyone that I am NOT voting for 1 star and my favorite girl 5 stars. You know, cuz I'm trash. Not only did I do THAT, but I did it multiple times, using every email address I possess.

At first, I was telling myself that it was just a numbers game, nothing personal to the other girls. About halfway into the glass of Sangria, I began to justify my actions with actual REASONS why I felt the girls I gave 1's deserved those ratings.

For instance: one girl had an unfortunate thing going on with her hair - I immediately thought of a Banned Camper statement describing this type of hairdon't as "she must've gotten mad at her head" - 1 star. Little Miss ______ (I won't say the state) looked like she also has a future as Miss October - 1 star. I was taken aback by one chick with HUGE earrings that quite possibly been won for her out of a crane machine by her little brother. It is sweet that she felt she should honor her sibling's mad hand-eye-coordination skills by wearing his prize in her profile photo, but - 1 star, nonetheless. I also gave 1 star to the chicks who looked older than me in their profile photos.

That's it - I make myself feel better by knocking others. I will be the first to admit it's tacky, but it is a personality flaw that I am afraid is undoable at this point in my life. It's in the old dog/ new tricks clause of my WTP contract.

How to Have the Perfect Morning

Howler-Monkeyless.

Slept late.

Waffles.

Butter.

Syrup.

Whipped cream.

Strawberries.

In that order.

Flawless except that MyPoolBoy said my Mickey Mouse shirt is slutty.

Starbucks Racket

Crap! Starbucks is a noisy place -- I keep hearing the cappuccino machine or bean grinder or air compresser/chain saw combination or whatever the h3ll it is that is making all that racket. Plus the baristas screaming out everyone's order when it is done. Lynn, for cripes sake pick up your effing grande skinny vanilla latte already!

Then the guys next to me are talking about their "motorcycles" and HAND TO GAWD one of them just had to explain what a Goldwing was to the other one. Yeah, these guys are hard-core. I cower in fear.

Fear that MyPoolBoy is going to snap and go postal before I finish my coffee. This is not his kind of place AT ALL. He has the only truck in the parking lot and not a single other soul in the place is wearing boots.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

Just overheard a guy sitting here at the bakery answer his phone and tell the office/work on the other end that he was at Home Depot picking "it" up right now.

I should go on a scavenger hunt for other 10 Commandments being broken today - I could give myself a prize if I spot all 10. Do any of y'all KNOW all of the 10 Commandments????

Where's my Bible? Oh yeah, it's with my hat.

Transcript of an Actual WTP - Felix Conversation

Felix (to WTP): Bi+ch.
WTP: Wh0re.
Felix: Barbie Bi+ch!
WTP: Koozie Wh0re!

How to Deter Carding

The bartender at one of the bars last night thought he'd be really cute and card all 13 of us obviously mature ladies. I honestly couldn't find my ID in my dayum purse (at the bottom in a little change purse). Here's what I DID find and proceed to lay out on the bar:
My tiara
Pink cell phone
Rubber chicken
Hair brush
Jesse's Girl stripper makeup
Vanilla Cream hand cream
Cougar Bingo card
Feathery fuzzy pink pen
Sally Hansen hot pink nail polish
sunscreen-on-a-clip
a maxi pad
my special lie detector (tape measure)
and the only forms of identification I was able to retrieve - my Bi+ch card and my Mensa card (why just be a bi+ch when you can be a smart bi+ch?)

I was the last person of our group that he carded. You think it was the maxi pad?

Big Game Hunt

We had a failed attempt to play Cougar Bingo last night. Perhaps it is a regional thing and the Arizona Cougars are different from the Texas Cougars. Perhaps it is because the places we frequent lend the atmosphere to attract Barflies more than Cougars. Perhaps it is because we were hopelessly drunk and busy dancing with each other. At any rate, it devolved into more of a scavenger hunt after we added some of our own "spaces."

Ear cuffs.
Wearing shirt as dress.
Banana clip in hair.
Dances by standing in one spot and finger-pointing.
Wears keys on arm.
National Geographic boobs.
Applies lipstick without removing cigarette from mouth.

At this point of the evening it starts becoming painfully obvious that our little list is about US.
Tramp stamp.
Hits on guys at convenience store around the corner.
Shaves armpits in car en route to the bar.
Rhinestones on clothing AND accessories.
Animal body parts / not cow leather (i.e., fur, feathers, shells, miscellaneous skin) below the waistline.
Duffel bag-sized purse - bonus points if Poise or Serenity pads fall out when reaching for wallet.
Sucking on unlit cigar.
Beat-up straw cowboy hat.
Captain's hat. Takes pictures of self and friends.
Wh0re-scavenging for koozies and doo-rags from random strangers on porch of the bar. ("cuz it's my birthday!")

Dream a Little Dream

Perhaps in the great cosmic retribution of dreamland, Felix had a stupid dream last night. Worse than my Hoff nightmare.

She dreamt that she parked her bicycle behind a store. Two Keebler elves were trying to steal said bicycle, and she caught them. She had to apprehend the wee ones by carrying them by the back of their collars on their shirts and turning them in to the proper authorities.

That's what she gets for kicking me last night.

Sleeping with Felix

Well I sorta survived the first day/night at the coast with the Lucilles. As usual I slept with Felix and about 5 or 6 am I was awakened by her KICKING THE FOOL out of me. At first, I was startled: was I snoring? am I rolling over on top of her and crushing her tiny little body?

But let me clarify - this was not just a "hey move over" kick. This was a series of rabbit kicks, like when you scratch a dog in the right spot behind its ear and its leg starts moving on its own out of control. It would have been hilarious if it hadn't have been before sunrise - and it hadn't woken me up just enough to cause me to have a weirda$$ dream when I rolled back over.

By weirda$$ I mean it had David Hasselhoff in it.

David Hasselhoff's kid went to our school for some reason. And David Hasselhoff's kid knocked over a grandfather clock that was standing in the middle of the open area by the library at school for some reason. So I was telling David Hasselhoff's kid that he was going to have to either pay $10 to replace the glass in the front that broke, or sit in after school detention for 2 days. Or he could pay $5 and sit in after school detention for 1 day.

David Hasselhoff was not happy.

He came up to school and was griping at me because he didn't think it was fair to make his kid pay for the glass because we shouldn't have had the grandfather clock in the middle of the open area anyway.

Then I woke up.
I don't know if it was the barbecue we ate or the shots we were drinking at midnight, but I'm scared to go to sleep now.

Yes, I fear the 'Hoff.

I Mistook It for Generosity

MyPoolBoy and I are having breakfast at the bakery and he has his usual artery congealing friedeggsbaconsausagehashbrownstoast and he sweetly offered me a piece of his bacon - and then said "next time it's gonna probably have arsenic on it or something."

They can trace arsenic. And he doesn't even have a plan for disposing of my body.

Amateur.

MyPoolBoy - the Cable Interview

MyPoolBoy was on the phone with the cable company because the on-demand movies weren't working. At first he was apparantly talking to a machine that was programmed to respond to voice commands... and it didn't understand Texas drawl.

Name: MyPoolBoy
Phone Number: XXX-XXX-XXXX
Zip Code: ZZZZZ
Cable Code Error: ####

Then there was the obvious "please hold for the next available service representative" - and then after listening to him state his name and phone number and repeat our zipcode twice I started ad-libbing the "rest" of the conversation for him:

My turn-offs are talking to machines and guys that ask too many questions.

I laughed. He didn't.
The usual.

Things I Love

Melon Smirnoff vodka in a medium cherry limeade from Sonic.

That's it.

I don't love anything else.

See What I Put Up With?

MyPoolBoy was in fine form last night as he threatened to make me "accidentally" die by spontaneous human combustion. Here's his plan: He will fart under the blankets and instead of the usual holding me under until I kick him unmercifully and he has to relent -- he has devised a plan by which he will make sure the methane is contained under the blankets, then light a match and throw it under -- WHOOOSH!

Soooooo....This morning we're sitting in the bakery (cuz summer school is OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and he notes that the place is empty. Duh. We're usually here on Saturday and its packed. ANYWAY.... after that observation I chimed in that he could run through the front tables naked and no one would care (unless, of course someone from the street saw him through the plate glass window). He proceeds to undo his fly on his pants. WTF? I told him that if he gets arrested for indecency I would NOT bail him out of jail because I am saving all my money for my trip to the coast and he would just have to wait until I got back.

I need a leash for him. And probably a rolled up newspaper.

Ghetto Lovin' -- Summer Nights Grease Parody

I'm not getting the house clean...

Crack Pipe (Rehab Parody)

I'm finding all kinds of crap on YouTube today!

Surgery Song

For QueenB, on the occasion of her hysterectomy:

At first I was afraid - I was petrified.
Thought I could never live without my womb inside.
But I spent so many nights thinking this period's too long
and I felt wrong
I thought they can yank it out with tongs

So now I'm back... from surgery
and I no longer have to send my husband to the store for me
I should've done this long ago if I'd known how it would be -
I feel so damned relieved to have this hysterectomy

Oh yes it's why .... I will survive.
I won't have any PMS -- my kids will stay alive.
I've got all my life to play
Don't need no Tampax in the way
And I'll survive
I will survive

PSA

"Good Morning Starshine" by Oliver makes absolutely no effin' sense whatsoever.
Maybe if I was a little less inebriated, I would "get it"

Or more inebriated - it WAS the 60s -- Dr. Seuss was smoking the truffula trees or something.

that diddy gloop gloopy part is completely messin' with my head - what the h3ll is that???

Doing my part to keep the public informed of potential earworms.

Go Cougars!

On top of the fact that I was planning on making a t-shirt for the coast that said Go Cougars on it, I found this little gem of a game on a BannedCamper's blog: Cougar Bingo

The photos are priceless and her story about throwing up in front of the teeny boppers is HILARIOUS.

Unholy Smell Part 2: Cougars on Parade!

True Love

We're sitting on the back porch basically having "vice night" (chocolate, wine, cigars) and listening to a love song radio show with dedications, etc. The DJ just asked folks to call in if someone touches your heart...

MyPoolBoy said he wants to touch my heart - and go under my bra and straight for my boob to get to it.

Or reach his hand through my chest and kill me.

psycho.

Here's the Skinny

I got some of those diet pills that are supposed to reduce stress in women to help you metabolize and "let go" of unwanted belly fat (like there is any belly fat that I WANTED)... and I'm reading on the box the additional benefits like it controls moodiness (THAT was what made MyPoolBoy jerk it from my hand and fling it directly into our Walmart cart) - anyway - the moodiness thing: it says that you will begin feeling the effects within a few hours.
I must say that I DO feel some sort of an effect. I took 2 pills as directed on the box - then I put on my red & white bikini and got into the pool with a couple of beers. So here I am, 2 pills and 2 Miller Chills later - I am happy to report that these pills work!

Oh, I still have belly fat. I just don't give a shi+.

T-Shirt Idea

So I've been stuck with nothing to write for a few days, but I keep coming up with all these crazy ideas for t-shirts to wear at the coast (maybe I should stick them on CafePress - if I can remember my account login!)

Here's the latest:
Mullet County Genealogical Society
and then some smart a$$ comment or a really effed up flow chart or non-branching tree

ahhhh, red wine - it's like an enema for writer's block

On the 6th of June

"It was the dark of the moon on the 6th of June in a Kenworth pullin' logs"

Convoy!

I just sent a text to my dear friends with these lyrics.
It is 8 freakin:30 on the first Saturday morning of our summer.

They're gonna kick my a$$.

However, it is the only song I know that contains the inspirational phrase: "chartreuse microbus" in the lyrics. Good times, good times.

I Got Carted (or, The custodians have to wax the floors now)

School was out at 12 today.

I got home home after 1. Not because I was working....

Baloney and Bi+chslap found a shopping cart that some well-meaning local merchant donated to us when we were making all the moves to the new building. A tool in the hands of some. A toy in the hands of the Lucilles.

Somehow it was left behind in a room down the old hall. Felix and I got into the basket and Hyphen stood on the end while Baloney and Bi+chslap pushed us around the new hall where all the ramps were. Then the other grade levels and staff heard the noise of us screaming and came out to take a turn, too.

I have to admit it was a bit scary going around the corners because I was facing the handle of the cart and had no idea if we were gonna bite it or not with them steering and laughing and trying not to pee themselves. And I was sober. Definitely puts the fear into if you are actually cognizant of the possible impending death or severe cranial injuries that could literally be around the corner.

Run, Joey, Run

Bwahahahahahahahaha! Hadn't heard this since I was in 4th grade or so. I've always thought it was one of the corniest songs ever. The kids on the video make it even better. Enjoy!

PS to the Lucilles: Prepare to be bombarded with this song at Port A -- it makes me laugh.

Two Bits

Theme of the day was quarters.

Today they announce that our campus Teacher of the Year was getting a limo ride to eat lunch at a nice restaurant with her entire grade-level team. Since I had nominated my entire team, and they had declined, I got PO'd at them and told them that they were dumba$$es and had blown it for all of us. Baloney told us that the T.O.Y. had invited her to go with them because she was going to be in their grade level next year. I told Baloney that if she had gone I would have kicked her a$$ right there in front of the school and I would charge the kids 25 cents to watch, with all the proceeds going to the Relay for Life fundraiser drive.

After school, Felix and I were sitting in the office waiting on SubFriend to call us back and decide where we were going to go "unwind" for the evening. In walks a mom and a new 3rd grade student. I KNOW. A week before school is out. Since I only have 16 kids in my class, we knew I would get him, so we eavesdropped in between listening to my MP3 player and singing Elvis songs. Good cow! His name is Angel. Here's the thing about kids named Angel and Jesus -- they never are. So they are getting ready to place him in a class and Striptease comes out and asks me how many students I had in my class right now. I said 19. I'm a liar - it's funny to me. Felix interjected immediately that I was a liar.

In the meanitime, there are 2 or 3 little urchins whose parents had "forgotten" to pick them up on time. And they were on my nerves because I needed a drink and SubFriend still hadn't called us and there is no vodka at school. (I've looked) One of them got picked up, there was another one who was being really good and I gave him a quarter. Then there was the third kid. I will get this child when he gets to 3rd grade because that's the kind of little urchin they put in my class for me to "fix." And he was eating BBQ pringles and crawling around and making me insane.

Felix watched in awe as I launched into my typical it's-my-time-off-and-I-don't-like-children-during-my-time-off attitude. I said, "Little boy, what is your name?" And he told me. And I said, "Ok, I have a quarter here..." Up jumps the lad. "Now, wait. This is for you if you can sit there and be completely quiet until someone comes to get you because I've had a long week and I don't need noise right now." And I laid it on the table beside my chair - and lo and behold, he shut up. And sat still. And the principal came in and asked him a question and all he did was nod vigorously. Principal asked me what was going on and I told him I had bribed the little darling with a quarter - and pointed to the quarter on the table. Principal died laughing and told me that it was a big stretch for this particular kid, and started asking him all kinds of questions to mess with him. Good times, good times.

Boy Oh Boyardee

One of my little darlings invented a song and hip gyration exhibition that I have dubbed "The Ravioli Dance." It starts out cute. The song she sings is actually creative and funny. But then the hips start and it is just a pole and a pair of stilettos away from an alternate career path.

Curtailing the Ravioli Dance has been a priority mission for about 3 weeks now.

The Ravioli Dance snuck into the spring music program of old TV themes when the girls did a routine to "I Dream of Jeannie." Even amid all the brightly-colored genie scarves waving, I recognized it from the back row.

Today, the superintendent came by my room and some of the boys did a little skit for him. And then, before I could stop it, she was standing in front of him, asking if he wanted to see her dance. I rushed over to intervene... but I was too late. It was like slow motion and I couldn't get there before The Ravioli Dance in all its inappropriate glory commenced right there in the doorway, much to my mortification.

So. I gently admonish her to return to her seat and as I reach over to guide her in that direction, Super leans in laughing, and whispers to me "Did you teach her that?"

9 more days.

Sack Lunch

Tomorrow is Field Day at school. I need to pack a sack lunch to eat as a picnic with the kids. I think a can of chocolate frosting would be a good lunch. Not exactly the prime example of healthy eating that I should be setting for the students.

But it would be good.

And it would fit in a sack.

I Just Don't Have the Time or Energy to be Psycho Right Now

So, I'm checking out MyPoolBoy's latest comment on Facebook and then I see that the "groupies" jumped right on and commented back at him - one of them went so far as to offer to make him homebaked cookies. WTF???? Am I completely off my nut or is that borderline flirting (or maybe even flat out flirting)? I'm getting tired of being told that I'm too jealous and him spouting off that he should just get off of Facebook blah blah blah.

Meanwhile, I'm drinking all the red wine I can to refrain from being a complete bi+ch until I can get outside confirmation that my bi+chiness about it is even marginally justified.

I've also thought about setting up a bogus account of some fake ex-boyfriend and posting stuff to myself and see how he feels - but that's kind of psycho... not that I'm above it, I just don't have the time or the energy to be psycho right now.

This Is Nuts

One of the BannedCamp ladies blogged about discovering these chips on her recent trip to London. Told MyPoolBoy I needed to find a place that would ship Walkers Crisps from England to us. They are cooked in sunflower oil and are therefore a healthy choice for chip-eaters such as him. He was not impressed

And they are SQUIRREL flavored.

Now he is is intrigued.

I'll spare you the ensuing commentary about squirrels and beavers, cajun or otherwise.

Too bad the flavor lost their consumer challenge and these chips will be gone from shelves forever....

Walkers Cajun Squirrel Flavored Crisps

You Can Tell I'm Sick Because Someone Got New Socks

I found the tell-tale wrapper in the floor of the kitchen. A sure sign that they ran out of clean laundry because I've been bed-ridden for 4 days with strep.

In that time I have logged some interesting numbers:

103.8 - highest my temperature climbed
32 - ounces of lime-flavored Gatorade Rain that I have consumed
3 - number of cats that have napped on the bed with me
21 - total number of kleenexes I had to spit into because it hurts to swallow my own saliva (my tonsils or some glands or another are so swollen they are protruding out of my neck!)
4 - pounds I have lost due to the aforementioned inability to swallow
7 - average number of models per day that Booger Cat and I have watched get eliminated from the America's Next Top Model Marathon
Umpteen - the number of feminine hygiene product commercials that are on daytime television - I'm talking tampons, yeast infection treatments, yeast infection tests, birth control pills, birth control rings, pregnancy tests, ovulation tests, and amped up KY jelly designed to turn women from unwilling participants in their marital relations into "a screamer." Believe me, after having a 5-foot Q-tip shoved up my nose so the doctors could go spelunking in the name of medicine to rule out swine flu, I don't really want to think of any of my other orifices having anything else anywhere near them.
825 - amount of mg of amoxicillin in ONE of the two gigantic pink pills I have to swallow twice daily


That's my THUMBNAIL it's next to. And here's what's unbelievable - I LOST one of them when I opened the bottle to take this shot. Yeah. I know. It's like losing a sequoia tree, but somehow I managed to do it.

I knew this was gonna happen. Stress causes me to get sick and the other day (after a particularly frustrating day of bureaucratic retardation at school) my cheese completely slid off my cracker and I threw my purse down the aisle at Walmart.

So it is possible that I may have angered the Walmart gods.