Saturday, December 19, 2009

My 12 Rules of Christmas

1.  The first rule of Christmas is that there are no rules for me.
2. The second rule of Christmas is that I reserve the right to go around making rules for everyone else.
3.  The third rule of Christmas is leave your crying-a$$ kids at home if you decide to go to Walmart.  I have a to-do list with items that must be accomplished, and there is probably a self-imposed deadline on those items, causing me huge amounts of neck-tensing anxiety.  I probably know the "Santa" in the garden center and I cannot guarantee that I won't bribe him with a six-pack to tell your brats that he won't bring them anything.
4.  The fourth rule of Christmas is everyone gets fruitcake.  And likes it. Or pretends to like it.
5.  The fifth rule of Christmas is tell me when we are out of Scotch tape. I cannot be held responsible for my actions/reactions if I get all merry and jolly and go to wrap a gift for someone and there is no tape because one of you used it all up trying to hold the batteries into the remote control because you lost the back. 
6.  The sixth rule of Christmas is don't give me a crappy Christmas gift (salt and pepper shakers shaped like the band members of KISS) or send me a sappy Christmas letter and not expect me to make fun of it.
7.  The seventh rule of Christmas is to stay out of the chocolate candy that my students gave me at the Christmas party at school.  It had my name on it.  I may have taken it out of the bag or box that had my name on it and laid it onto a beautiful Spode Christmas tree candy dish in a fabulous presentation in our home, but you will pull back a nub if you reach your grubby hand in to snatch a piece of it.  Unless it is cheap stuff.  And incidentally, truffles are not considered CHEAP STUFF.  
8.  The eight rule of Christmas is monitor your own behavior in accordance with my hormonal imbalances and mood swings.  I will cry if I hear "O Holy Night" while I am making cookies or fruitcake because it reminds me of my grandmother.  I will laugh if I hear "Christmas Shoes" at anytime because it is stupid.  If you can't discern the difference, too bad for you. 
9.   The ninth rule of Christmas is I do not like winter, but I do like Christmas.  You are not allowed to run the A/C during the month of December - I don't care if it is Texas and the wind chill is 94 degrees. I will turn on the electric fireplace and drink hot cocoa and you MAY be required to sit on the couch with me and "snuggle,"  subject to rule number eight (see above).   An amendment to this rule, also subject to rule number eight, is if I get the whim to go out in an unpredicted cold snap and look at Christmas lights, you are obliged to haul your a$$ out of the warmth of our cozy home and drive me where ever I command you to go. 
10.  The tenth rule of Christmas is the Snoopy ornament goes on the tree FIRST.  It has been this way for most of my life.  It has been this way longer than most of the inhabitants of my household have been alive.  Get out of the way and let me do it.
11.  The eleventh rule of Christmas is don't touch the radio.  It is set on the Christmas channel because I WANT it on the Christmas channel.  If I get a wild hair and decide I want to hear something else, I will change it.
12.  The twelfth rule of Christmas is if you have a know history of gastrointestinal dysfunction (including flatulence) you are limited to one serving (equivalent to 8 fl. oz.) of eggnog  per week.  If you would like more than one serving of eggnog per week, I suggest you space it out in this manner:  Drink 1 oz. per day, and you can have two 1 oz. servings on Saturday or Sunday as a special holiday weekend treat.

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