Augusta Wants to Be My Friend

Got this message in my email for my MySpace account. I clicked on the profile. Augusta lives in New York, has overly-botoxed lips (or unfortunate genetic circumstances), and only 7 friends, including Tom. One of Augusta's friends appears to be naked in her profile photo.

DENY

Caught!

Tuesday morning I arrived at school a little early and was greeted with the unmistakable pungent aroma of eau de skunk. A little later (after the sun came up) someone spotted the critter as it ran under the building right by the entrance to the cafeteria. So, someone called Animal Control and they came and put out a live trap with some canned cat food by the building. We waited.

Yesterday morning I got there fairly early and saw that we had a raccoon in the live trap. I looked at the poor guy, and offered up an apology from the whole human race to him for his false imprisonment. He was let go, and the trap was set again.

This morning, I walked by the trap and saw that we had our suspect. A bit later Barney Fife from Animal Control gets there and I see him, our principal, and an assortment of our maintenance department's finest out in the area near the trap. Barney Fife decided he needed to throw a quilt over the cage and then attach a rope or chain or something to it and DRAG the cage so he wouldn't get sprayed.

Well, he didn't get sprayed, but I choked back laughter as I looked upon the scene -Barney Fife dragging a blanket-covered cage across the lawn, maintenances guys standing around watching (not much of a stretch from the norm), and our principal carrying one of those poles with the loop at the end like he was Jim from Wild Kingdom.

The skunk, however, did not think it was as funny as I did and he apparently released some sort of SuperSoaker projectile skunk scent as he was dragged, confined, across the ground. The smell hit an a/c unit and was subsequently sucked up into the ductwork and wafted through the vents of every room and hallway of the entire building, including the cafeteria.

If Bubba had been there I guess we could've have gotten a paintball gun and determined if the skunk was pregnant or not.

Immature Humor

I cracked up at least a FEW of the kids in my class today... One of the girls was reading a book about a school talent show and how one of the characters was planning to dance to a Britney Spears song - I said, "What? The dance where you shave your head and get carted off in an ambulance?" About 5 of them cracked up totally. I had blank stares from the rest of them. At least I know who watches the news at home now.

Where I Was Saturday Night

Pictures are worth a thousand words, right? MyPoolBoy convinced the bouncer that he is really JESSE and they let him up right next to the stage to take pictures. There's nothing that love and Patron won't make a man do for his woman!

They wouldn't let me up there though. Guess I looked like a threat to Rick's security or something.

Anyway, I guess after paper, cotton, china, whatever, that the 21st anniversary is supposed to be a smokin' hot piece of a$$.

Bling!

Crown & Coke doesn't mix with Superglue and rhinestones.

Don't leave these items unattended around a white trash woman. MyPoolBoy discovered me happily blinging my mp3 player and my purse handle.

Having a Really Good Hair Day

Wasted on 3rd graders.....

A.W.

Or just a W.????? Pepita posted a photo of herself on MySpace laying/posing in bed covered in just a sheet from the chest down.

No, I'm not telling you how to get to it to view it. Pervs.

Games People Play

Don't Drop the Soap

I laughed just reading about this - and then I looked at the picture - the movers are a glock, a bag of coke, and "Anferny"

I HAVE to have this!!!!!!!!!

You Can't Make This Up

Ok, so we waited and waited all this time for our little burg to finally get big enough to warrant a Long John Silver's. It has been open for a whopping couple of months and it has already been infiltrated by the rednecks.

Here is the conversation I overheard - it was like a trainwreck - you can't keep from paying attention to it.

Cell phone call after order was placed: Something APPARENTLY is under the house and Bubba is going to find out what it is - he will call back later with a report.

Report to table: Bubba heard something under the house.

Cell phone call while getting Malt Vinegar sauce and cokes: Bubba got the tin flashing off the bottom of the TRAILER house and is going underneath armed with a paintball gun to aid in his investigation.

Report to and response from table: We just put that siding up - he just tore up perfectly good underpenning!

Cell phone call right after food order was up: Bubba has shot a pregnant skunk under the trailer with a paintball gun, what do we do now?????

Ok, honest to goodness, I quit listening after this cuz I was afraid I would PEE MYSELF and get caught eavesdropping!!!!!!!!!!!!

And My Tiara Was Still On My Head

Woke up this morning with my tiara still on my head after I fell asleep/passed out last night at my big-a$$ 40th birthday bash at DrunkenFelix's house. That, my dear readers, is fate. I also made MULTIPLE drunk dials to every member of my family (except I forgot my MonsterInLaw but she said she would forgive me this year) AND Felix's dog (whose birthday is the day before mine so I called Felix's Gigolo and told him I needed to talk to the dog - he was very understanding). Felix is very happy cuz I puked. She's never been able to get me hung-over or sick before now --- see if you can follow the clues to figure out why.....

First of all, Friday was hilarious cuz of COURSE I got my classroom crepe-papered with black and over the hill signs and what-not. And - our principal made a big deal on the announcements to the point that the SpEd teacher asked me if I was mad - I told her no, it was probably paybacks for the year that I toilet papered his house on HIS birthday.

Felix took me home from school Friday night and we swung by the house to pick up the rum and vodka that MyPoolBoy got me. As we were standing in the front yard, smart boy puts the bottle of rum down his pants and tells me if I want it to go after it. The bottle slips down his pants leg and lodges itself on the top of his boot where he can't reach it... so he turns around and unzips his pants and reaches down into his pants and starts fishing around down in his pants leg for the outlaw bottle - just as a cop drives by. And so began the first of MANY laughs for the evening. We got to Felix's and immediately I changed into my black rhinestoned tank top and fuzzy stiletto heels and boa and tiara and sunglasses and cigar and leopard gloves. The chocolate martini drinking (mixed in El Presidente shakers pilfered from Chili's) commenced.

Anyhoo - it was a FABULOUS party - Felix outdid herself and the usual suspects were there, so the translation for Fabulous Party now becomes Debaucherous Drunken Spree, including BeerPong. My dear little friends will be receiving thank you cards with a link to this page because I honest to goodness am not sure who gave me what gift due to my slightly inebriated condition so I am going to post my appreciations and impressions here (I will put up photos later):

1) Candy necklace-type candy bra from DrunkenFelix. SOMEONE has a photo on their camera phone of me WEARING this sonuvabi+ch and you need to please delete it before it ends up on youtube or some shi+. And the sucker was too BIG around the strap BUT AT LEAST NOT THE CUP SIZE!!!!!!!!!!!!

2) Little bamboo plant from Felix's Mom - my beer pong partner. I was sober when I received this, so I have an actual recollection of getting THIS gift. So, thank you, Mom - I've actually kinda wanted one of these!

3) Bottle of HotSex - chocolate cream and DEATH LIQUOR - I think this was from D@mnGina - the first of many gifts that I felt obliged to drink or drink out of during the evening - a definite contribution to the aforementioned upchucking since I drank the whole bottle

4) Flamingo and shot glass from Bi+chslap's son - apparently he got this in Florida a year or so ago and has been SAVING IT FOR ME! Way to go Bi+chslap for raising Bi+chslap Jr. so well. Of course I felt obliged (again) to drink out of it so I had a shot of Cinnamon Schnapp's - cuz it was handy.

5) A few of the girls (FrenchTickler & TrailerTrash & DownUnder???) got me some stuff like a cigar and some little purse-sized baby rum bottles and chocolate espresso beans and a flamingo glass (that I obligingly drank a buttery nipple out of)

6) ok, I THINK that the Bailey's and the cute little purse came from 10-S so that is why I drank the buttery nipple - your FAULT, 10-S (tennis humor HAHAHAHAHAHHA)

7) now - who bought the Sex-O-Meter --- I needed to add a few levels with a pen like "Are you a twirler?" and "Are you a gymnast?" cuz it didn't go all the way to the top (MyPoolBoy would be so proud) AND I also added a LOWER level: "Poor *Gigolo*" cuz that is where DrunkenFelix's menopausal self made the thing go to.

8) Baloney - we realized THE NEXT MORNING that you got me the cutest little 40th birthday coloring book and a mug - thank you dear

9) Oh! Bi+chslap got me a new flamingo lawn - my first reaction: WOO HOO! Now I can get a double-wide!

10) Bi+chslap and Felix got me the same card with flamingos on the front - the same one that QueenB sent me. It had the flamingos and then said if you woke up and this was what you saw you would have to ask yourself questions like: Is this my yard, etc. Actually my first thought would be: Looks like we need to get Victor fixed.
Imagine - 3 of the same card - a WhiteTrash Hallmark Trifecta.

11) Ummmmm, there was a 40th birthday shot glass that I drank something out of.... anyone know what was in it? I brought the dayum thing home and washed it out but h3ll if I now what was in it. Good Lord.

I love you girls! I will never forget this - definitely my best party ever.

My best gift, though?????

MyPoolBoy got me tickets to RICK SPRINGFIELD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (not enough napkins in the world to wipe up all the drool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) That is why I love him more than all of you. He knows that I will have carnal relations with Rick after the concert... I will just use HIS body.

Great.

My dog is attempting to hump the cat.

They're both females.

And I made fun of Felix's dogs....

Hairy Situation

Ok, if you are ooged out by semi-intimate stuff then stop reading now. However, if you are one of my 3-d friends or one of my sons or one of the warped college students that my sons tell me read this blog, then you'll probably be fine cuz you are used to me by now.

Here's what happened:
I made a potty run at school today and after doing my requisite thigh-building squat-over-the seat maneuver, I turned to flush and noticed a suspicious-looking hair on the seat. Not knowing if it was mine or not - you know, those kinds of hairs DO all look the same - I decided it would be rude of me to leave it there for the next person to find. I figured if I left and someone was outside the door waiting to be the next one in, they would ASSUME it was mine and think I was really gross and inconsiderate. So. I postponed flushing for a bit and bent down a little and blew on it to try to dislodge it from its porcelain perch. It didn't work. I tried again, blowing a little harder, and got one puff out before I realized the idiocy of the situation. So I discarded the blowing technique and opted for a more hands-on approach. NO, I DID NOT TOUCH IT. GAWD! But I collected my thoughts and procured a bit of toilet paper and dangled it precariously next to the hair. Then I attempted to gently sweep the hair into the water below with a dangling square of toilet paper. No go. Once more I swept across the seat and tried to get the hair to budge. It was like it was super-glued onto the dayum seat! Finally, the thought hit me that I needed to just get on with things and flush and get out of there before whoever MIGHT be outside the door started thinking that I was doing more than just peeing.
So, finally I just scrunched up some more t.p., pushed the sumbi+ch stubborn hair off into its watery doom and slapped down on the handle and finally got the flush over with.

Then I washed my hands really good with the anti-bacterial soap, stifled my laughter at the ridiculousness of the situation, regained my composure, and resolved to be sure to blog as soon as I got home today.

So there you are. Come on, now. Shut up. What would you have done??????

Crazy, Man!

Paula, RUN and get a restraining order!
"If I was Columbo I would Peter Falk - her" BWAHAHAHAAHA!
Straight up BatShi+ crazy.

She Bop

Ok, so on Oprah today this MentalPause doctor instructed the studio audience learn to "self-cultivate" their smiles for their "lower heart"

I keep hearing Cyndi Lauper over and over in my head!

Better Off Dead?

$4025 BUCKS!!!!!!!!! Just have to donate my body to science!

$4025.00

However, as a blind, alcoholic, albino, parapalegic bald obese dwarf on lithium with no appendix and elephantitis I am worth $7170.

Edited to add: Felix said I should try to get my $4000 NOW - ya know, like a credit card advance....

Some Advice

Before you go pointing fingers, make sure that you have washed your hands with an antibacterial soap and rinsed thoroughly.

Why I Teach 3rd Grade

I figured out this morning - I don't want to deal with preschool who whine and cry and don't share.

I refuse to teach middle school because it is just preschool with hormones.

High school is middle schoolers with drivers' licenses.

I'm a Card

Last night we were at a friend's house (playing the infamous point of contention poker game), and I was drinking banana-rama-shi+ (Monkey Formula). At one point I plopped my glass down and someone at the table yelled over at MyPoolBoy that I was splattering my drink on the tabletops. He hollered back "Hey, these things aren't Scotchguarded, you know!"

To which I very wittily replied: "That's OK, I'm not drinking Scotch!"

Later in the evening I sent Bi+chslap's hubby into an uproarious fit of red-in-the-face laughter when I dealt the beginnings of a royal flush - laid the suckers right on out there and announced: "Someone at this table owes me a blowjob!"

Zack-ula

I L-U-V Jerry Springer! He's got a Freakshow on there today - Name: Zack Affliction: Vampire

Now mind you, Zack wasn't BORN a vampire - oh, no - he had a "very very sexual relationship with a "beautiful woman" who was a vampire about 4 years ago (translation - homeboy found a chick to have sex with that he didn't have to pay for). So, Jerry is talking to Zackula (who is laying in a coffin) and he gets Zack to come sit on a chair like a mere mortal human would do.

Zack proceeds to elaborate on his vampirishness, including the fact that he cannot go out in the sun: Quick Jerry, open the skylight! I wanna see this sumbi+ch melt like the witch on the Wizard of Oz!

Then he offers Jerry some of his own blood to drink if Jerry would like to try it for himself: He would not - ummm I wouldn't want his O negative HIV positive Grande latte, either!

Jerry probes Zack to elaborate on how he met his wife. Zack says he was at the cemetery one night - Jerry interrupts, "What were you doing at the cemetery at night?" - and I am thinking "I needed a snack and the Piggly Wiggly was closed, Jerry"

In an attempt to press for further information about Zack's personal life, Jerry asks if he normally met women in cemeteries -- well, Mrs. Zackula was there "ghost-hunting" -- but ya know, I imagine Freakshow figured most of the women IN the cemetery wouldn't put up a fight. GROSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

Someone Take Up a Collection for Bail... Just In Case

MIL is still in ICU. They have not done surgery yet. NO ONE IS THERE WITH HER!!!!!

I cannot believe MyPoolBoy is letting her lay in that hospital to go through heart surgery with no family around. I got most of the housework and stuff done last night, so I could be ready to pack and go in less than an hour. I would still have to call and cancel a party we were invited to and go pick up some stuff for lesson plans but he just needs to decide to go.

I swear if I ever fall over with a heart attack and he goes and plays golf I will use my last dying breath to beat the crap out of him with his own 9-iron! I can't believe he is doing this to his mother!!!!!!!!!!!

Soooo now he tells me that we spent too much on Christmas and we don't have the gas money to get down there and back and he would be losing money if he doesn't run this poker tournament on New Years.... blah blah blah (I'm thinking it is only the 28th - new year's is 3 days away and they said she'd be out of the hospital by then)

Shoulda thought of that before he spent $ playing mutha eff-ing GOLF yesterday!
Hell, I think we could hock his golf clubs and get gas money -- what the hell is wrong with him????

Money is not REALLY the issue (he is still planning on going to play POKER TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!)

I have stuff set aside in the laundry room (not packed, mind you, but ready to be packed).

I just really don't want to have to maim or kill him during the holidays. Bail bondsmen are probably too short-staffed right now to handle me.

If Anything Bad Ever Happens to Me I Will Probably Just Be Left For Dead and WIll Get Eaten By My Cat

MyPoolBoy called his mother (who lives about 7 hours away) over the holidays and found out she had been sick. He called my brother in law's fiancee who lives near her and had her go check on her. She was worse, so she took MIL to the hospital. They checked her in and found she had had a heart attack and put her in ICU. Did an angiogram and are possibly going to do surgery tomorrow. So she could use a few prayers.

SO... I got up this a.m. and started cleaning up holiday stuff and getting some laundry done in what I thought was going to be prep for a long trip across the state to go be with her.

MyPoolBoy went and PLAYED GOLF today. I got some stuff done, but I really don't know what else I need to do. He told me he doesn't know if he wants to go or not cuz he has a poker tournament that he needs to run (his side business) on New Years. That is 4 days away! I do not understand how he does not want to at least go and stay until THEN. (Denial? My father in law died about 2 years ago on MyPoolBoy's birthday) It's not that he doesn't care - he is pretty close to his mom.

My quandary is this: I (somewhat selfishly) do not want to be scrambling at the last minute if he decides to go, or if heaven forbid, she gets worse and we HAVE to go. And he is p.o.'d at me cuz I won't just sit down and relax and "enjoy my holiday".

He is kinda bad about doing things like this... he went bowling when he found out I was going to be induced to have our first baby and the baby didn't come right away, he missed being with his dad when he died by mere minutes because he decided he wanted to go through the drive through at a particular fast food place and get a specific brand of burger instead of waiting to eat later across the street from the hospital. I truly do not know if this kind of crap is because he is trying to avoid stressful situations or if he is really THAT clueless and/or selfish.

Christmas Letter

Seasons Greetings, Y'all! Here, in retort to ShallowHal's family Christmas letter (cracked my a$$ up - they put in there that Thing1 was the "Most Improved" player on his PopWarner football team - which we all knows translates to mean that he sucked and then sucked less by the end of the season!). Anyhoo, I offer up our White Trash Christmas letter:

We would've got this to y'all through the mail and all, but we waited to see when the stamps would go on sale 1/2 off like the sales at Walmart, but did y'all know that the post office doesn't do that? Well, we sure as h3ll didn't, so that's why we're here on the web, posting it at the last minute.

Thunderduck is still living in the dorms at the big city college and he has a part time job fixin' tires down the street. He has gotten all the way to Medium Level on Guitar Hero and he promised that he will bring it down with him when he comes home for Christmas.

Trainwreck changed his major to Art and we are thinking that he just did it to look at all them naked paintings in those art books and whatnot. He got engaged to a nice girl, but she is from Virginia and we don't know what we're gonna do about having a Yankee in the family.

Lurch got through with football season with no concussions (of his own) and is getting ready to graduate. He has not decided on a college yet, and we are pretty darn afraid that THAT means he is planning on living here still.

Chunk was sent to his room to "clean it and not come out until it's done" so we're not even sure if he is still with us. We'll probably just claim him on our taxes and see if anyone calls bullshi+ on us.

Well, hope this letter finds you and yours all well and healthy. If any of you find the need to purchase a last-minute gift for one of us, we are sorely needin' some more rum for the fruitcake-baking, cuz we somehow keep a-runnin' out!

Walmart Shoppers Trifecta

Ok, I saw 3 GREAT Walmart-ians today while doing some last minute gift buying:
1) Woman who was in her black velour sweat pants and matching velour sweat jacket - I am to assume that she could not find the matching velour running shoes cuz HOME GIRL was BAREFOOT!!!!!!!!!!!
2) Butcherella put her LoneStar Card in the BOTTOM (no, I don't know how or why) of the card-slider-dealie and got it stuck, thus holding up one of the three express lanes that were open and taking a cashier and 2 customer service managers out of circulation for the rest of us to get any transactions completed! Hun, if you are gonna use da welfare, learn yo'self to use it right.
3) Botox Woman in line in front of us - too good to get her bags off of the carousel thing and load back into her basket once the cashier sacked 'em up (I'm assuming her dragon-claw manicure had something to do with it), so we waited for the cashier to walk around the end of the carousel and load her crap, which gave me the opportunity to look a little closer at her heavily-made-up face and notice that just above the botoxed lips was..... a MUSTACHE! Lawrd woman, I think the folks who poked and prodded you into your Barbie doll luster coulda handled that for you whilst they were pumping up your lips!

Movin' Out

Well, the construction people came to our faculty meeting this afternoon and told us all these fabulous tidbits like they weren't going to fix the roof on the old building when the started putting up the new building, we won't be able to go to the playground for a few weeks-to-months after Christmas, etc. After they told us that we would have to start being ready to move about December of next year, things got tense, and one of the teachers asked how much notice we would get before we were expected to move. She was worried about getting enough boxes to move her years of accumulated paraphernalia to a new location. I assured her that I planned on hanging out around a liquor store A LOT when the process started, so I could hook her up with some of those good liquor boxes.

Freakin' Spears Sisters!

How am I supposed to maintain my claim to white-trash-dom if there are TWO OF THEM running around getting knocked up and keepin' the babies? I can't keep up! I'm gonna have to go live in my trailer full time.

Stupid Yankees

Playing football IN THE SNOW! Whatever NFL teams it was that I was watching tonight. Morons in parkas and ski boots in the stands. We call that winter down here... and we close school.

Ana in the Auditorium

Ok - so I KNOW the restroom stalls at the Peyton Place High School auditorium were made for really skinny chicks. A big girl cannot get around in one of them to even hike up a skirt, re-adjust pantyhose, and the like. I have 2 theories on this situation: 1) The builder must think that we all come that small and they are encouraging anorexic behavior to all over size 8 who dare to enter the labyrinth of the stall-door/toilet/t.p.-holder that exists within. OR 2) They are really trying to deter bulimia cuz ain't no way a big girl can turn around to face the throne to throw up in there.

Rumrunner

My mother, in a selfishly blatant attempt to spend all of my inheritance on herself and her own amusement, has been involved in a near-international incident. The woman has an illness of some sort or other on almost every major organ in the human body, so she is on heart medication and oxygen. This does not deter her from picking up and hauling her pharmaceutically-endowed self all over the Seven Seas and going on a cruise right before Christmas. However, she chose to pack all her medical supplies, antibiotics, heart medications, and a mini-bar-sized bottle of rum all into one suitcase.

There are 2 points to consider here: 1) She claims she needed the rum since she was not sure if they would have any "good" rum in Hawaii for her to make homemade pina coladas in her ship cabin using fresh pineapple and coconut from the islands. 2)APPARENTLY it is against the law to smuggle a bottle of rum in your suitcase onto a cruise ship because the security of the cruise ship line and the ATF (Alcohol/Tobacco/Firearms) confiscated her bag o' drugs and liquor. I have visions of some poor drug dog somewhere going totally apeshi+ and practically having a seizure when it came across her bag. It probably needed her heart meds and oxygen by the time it got through sniffing that bag.

She found out because she got onto the ship and one of her bags was missing. THE bag. With all her meds and the replacement battery for her oxygen tank. She figured she would eventually truly NEED these things to stay ALIVE on her journey, so she called the cruise ship people to report the missing bag. They asked her to go down to the security office but would not tell her why. She naively assumed that they were going to fill out a report that it was stolen or something. Instead, she arrives and sees her bag laid open like the wrappings off of a Red Rider BB Gun on Christmas morning. She starts to approach the bag and examine the contents (knowing full-a$$ well that there was a bottle of rum in it), but the security guys wave her off. After seeing her oxygen tank and noticing the other medications in the bag, they just shook their heads, shook my step-dad's hand and let them have the dayum bag.

And y'all wonder why I'm the way I am...

Year of the Mismatched Angels

Well, it's not quite the Herdmans, but there is a special memory that the teachers at my school reminisce about every year. About 10 years ago we had this flower-child airhead music teacher that, bless her heart, meant well but had no clue about doing a Christmas program. She taught the kids the songs, selected the date, and secured the high school auditorium for the performance.

Instead of asking the children to just wear red or green shirts like all the other music teachers in the area or even asking for nice Sunday clothes, FlowerChild tells all the girls without a starring role to dress up as angels so they can be the heavenly choir singing blessings over the babe of Bethlehem. There were not less than 40 angels - some with glitter wings, one with butterflyish pink wings, wings made of posterboard and spraypaint, and tinfoil wings. Some of the cherubs had halos. Some wore sheets. There was even one little seraphim in a poncho/toga made from what I surmised to be an old white shower curtain. Or maybe it was a trash bag with the neck and sleeves cut out. We sat off to the side and snickered as they tumbled up the steps to the stage singing of all things Christmas. Our principal was in the row behind us, and he began to slide down in his seat as they pushed and shoved to their spots on the risers in a most unangelic manner. At this point we were desperately trying to stifle ourselves - many of the angels' wings were crooked and halos were falling off.

For Mary, the blessed mother, FlowerChild chose the most well-endowed 5th grade girl in the school. Onstage, there were props set up for the nativity scene - a bale of hay and one of those wood-slat fruit crate boxes for the manger. So, Mary-with-a-towel-on-her-head comes onstage with the baby (naked Cabbage Patch doll) tucked football-style under one arm like she's posing for a Heisman. She fumbles Jesus into the fruit crate and announces "I'm a virgin!" At this point our principal is practically in the floor behind our seats, and we can no longer contain ourselves because this is a small town and we all know Mary's kinfolk, thus we are predicting that her bold statement won't be true for too many more years.

I think it was the next year that FlowerChild got fired. Alas, I've not been able to laugh so hard at a Christmas program since then.

Hysterical-ectomy

I made this little treasure for Felix - it's a crocheted uterus!

I also provided her with a beaded spade necklace (cuz she's gonna get spayed!)
And Bi+chSlap made a uterus-shaped cake for her - I am not making this up - with Twizzlers for fallopian tubes and cupcakes for ovaries!

Beatin' Yo Kids

Mama done been to jail! BWAHAHAHHAHA!

Redneck/Cowgirl Foreplay

"Get in the dayum truck"

Saw something similar on a bumper sticker today.

and: fave movie quote of the week - when speaking of a step-parent who is the only likeable person in the family "he's not really family, he's more like a hostage"

Also: Friday night DrunkenFelix (drunkenly, of course) told the mom of a former student that she would voluntarily tutor the child after school. Unfortunately, the mom was not as inebriated as Felix was and she REMEMBERED it... the child asked her today at lunch when she was going to start! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! That's what she gets for not taking me to see our SpEd teacher's band in Austin (to replace Corporal Punishment as my stalkees).

RIP - Corporal Punishment, as the Coe brothers have both moved away. My COE-dependency days are over

:-(

Note to self

Stick more pins in voodoo doll of counselor. (my class is stacked full of kids that are SpEd, E.D., or technically failed last year)

Can't. Stop. Laughing.

DrunkenFelix and I phoned each other all night cuz she was down the street at a friend's house drinking beer and handing out candy. I was drinking cosmos out of my new travel coffee mug and handing out my requisite 840 Tootsie rolls 1 at a time until I got tipsy enough to want to go in and I started handing out handfuls. In by 8.

Did my yearly call to Domino's for dinner cuz I find humor in the meanest situations.

Also called Felix dying laughing cuz 3 little boys got into a wrestling match/fist fight on my lawn in front of my chair - wailing on each other on account of one of 'ems bag of candy getting dropped and picked up and "he took my candy that fell out" -- mom screaming at them -- I'm trying not to laugh until they are out of earshot and I can call Felix. HI.LAR.I.OUS.

I have learned to love Halloween again. Just add vodka.

An Open Letter

To all the girls who potentially want to date one of my sons:

Here is a little advice on how to impress me....

I am basically a shallow person. I want decent-looking grandchildren. If your gene pool cannot produce decent-looking offspring don't even hit on them. I refuse to have ugly grand-chillruns photos in my wallet.

Furthermore, just to prove that I am basically a shallow person, I will probably scrutinize the clothing you wear. If what you wear proves beyond a doubt that Halloween is in fact your favorite holiday (year round, no matter what) move your goth-a$$ self on to your next "victim." Also, if your momma didn't check what you were wearing (or not wearing) when you walked out the door and you look like my son might have paid a couple of hours wages to bring you home to me, keep walking!

One more thing: I will NOT tolerate anyone being prettier than me.

Dream a Little Dream

Ok you armchair Freuds - interpret this:
I dreamed that the counselor and Felix bring a student to my door (a transfer from Felix's room). He is to be in my class, but I notice that he has a stick-on type tattoo on the back of his hand, so I tell him that I can get some suntan oil from my purse and help him take it off so he will be in compliance with the dress code. In the meantime, my other students are in the room doing something in groups from the overhead projector. I retrieve the suntan oil and return to them in the hall and begin to work on the tattoo on the boy's hand. As it comes off I notice he has ANOTHER one underneath. It is a Batman tattoo and I remark to him that my dad would really like it -- well he tells me it is really a sticker and he will peel it off and give it to me. So he carefully begins peeling it off. And my other students start showing up 1 group at a time with chili cheese nachos and I go off on them and yell at them for using all the chips because those were going to be the snack on FreeDay Friday. That's when the GrudgeMatch happened and I woke up.

Felix had a WAY worse dream than that.

School is really getting to us.

I should drink more.

Locker Room Talk

Ok, so we are on week 4 of decorating the football locker room for the PetyonPlace Packmules, and another mom and I have more or less been relegated to the signage that is to go in the restroom/urinal area... due to our inability to keep it lady-like. Last week when our poker-themed decor included a hand of 5 suited cards glued to a "Flush the *Rodents*" sign, her "Kick Ace" sign mistakenly got painted to say "Kick A$$" and she joined the ranks of the rank.

This week we are playing a team of felines. She wrote on the TOILET PAPER with a sharpie -- rolled it out about 20 feet each roll and wrote Wipe Out the *Felines* and rolled them back up!
(I think I may have found a new soulmate)

We also got a sign up that says "Packmules Go Hard!" (a saying that some of the boys yell in the huddle) -- We countered the other side of the urinals with one that says "*Felines* Goes Soft" - complete with wrinkly pink letters! Add to the mix the "Send 'em to the litter box" sign, the "Control the Pet Population: Neuter a Cat" sign, and our soon-to-be-infamous "*Felines* are Pu$$ies" sign.

We are probably going to burn in the 7th level of poor role model h3ll for this.

Grudge Match

Weasel (the one in the dog suit) and Old Hateful (Thunderduck's mean old cat) waged 2 battles this morning at THE FOOT OF MY BED BEFORE 6 a.m. thus sealing their love for one another in the classic snarling, growling, spitting, hissing manner mankind knows as "fighting like cats and dogs"

Both are prayerfully lucky to be alive. .. Let me introduce you two dumba$$es to my little friends - thumbs. I have 2. The better to yank each of you up by the scruff of the neck and toss you off the bed and out the door, my dears.

Next match will be a steel-cage match cuz I'll shove their furry aggressive selves into the rabbit hutch and Walk. A. way.

Don't mess with PMS.

Basura Blanca

I amuse myself way too dayum easy
Wikipedia

Latest Discovery and a small rant

Note my new link:
Behind the Counter a blog by a Walmart employee. Yes, Walmart. Lists crap that gets stolen, and stuff that is returned to her store. Refers to children as HOWLER MONKEYS - ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and -
I've endured the Parade O'Tattlers as long as I can stand. I asked my students today if they would like to know why I choose to teach 3rd grade -- after I set the bait I hooked them with "because I don't want to teach Kinder or 1st or 2nd so quit acting like them"
One of them wants to move her desk in class because one of the other girls who doesn't like relish made fun of her at lunch LAST WEEK for putting relish on her hot dog.
why, yes - that was my head exploding, thanks for noticing
Prozac - take me away!

and -
After math today, (when my kids couldn't do a FIRST GRADE problem for the math center I set up) I decided that if I had a gun and a bridge I would jump off the bridge and shoot myself and see which one would kill me first. .. But we're more worried about parking...

don't even get me started

I wish I drove a HUGE-A$$ car, though

Honk and Screech and Pole Dancing

I know that means nothing to most of you, but I just wanted to say HI to the FrenchTickler and thanks for the mood ring! It is in the pouch with my tiara!

Anyhoo we were at *the restaurant where I am not allowed to yell the F-word anymore* and we had a good time but a miserable time cuz we were upstairs on the upper deck and at 5pm we moved to the lower deck and they would not let us take the food that we ordered on the upper deck down to the lower deck (some lame-a$$ excuse about not having glass downstairs was the first reason - which we all shot down with "why are there glass beer bottles and salt shakers and candle holders then?") Then I think we were labeled as troublemakers and we scared off waitress #1. Well, MyPoolBoy got REALLY pissed when he went to leave to pick up Lurch from football practice because they said that it would cost 10 bucks to get back IN cuz the band was SUPPOSED to be playing at that point and there was a cover charge for the lower deck. By the time he got back the band was STILL not playing so he got back in, but it was tense/ugly for a while and then right before we left, they were gonna make us pay the 10 bucks to STAY AT THE TABLE THAT WE HAD BEEN AT FOR 3 HOURS ALREADY and DrunkenFelix called the manager over and let him have a little piece of her mind, also.

ok - rant over - on the up side, the ladies room on the lower deck has a big pole in the way RIGHT when you walk in the door, so our new code for going potty is now that we are going to Pole Dance.

Oh, and today was the "dog trial" (Yes, this is how our public justice system is at work in Mullet County) MyPoolBoy got to be a witness for the defense testifying that the only time we ever heard the dog barking was when the old man blew his air horn at it.

Also - I think I may have developed myself a new little sobriety test
Level 1: Still fairly sober - you have enough control of your thigh muscles to hover over the potty so that you don't catch an STD from a public toilet.
Level 2: Mildly intoxicated - you're a bit woozy so you decide to put toilet paper on the seat in case you can't hover as well as you initially anticipated.
Level 3: Pretty much drunk - the h3ll with it - you just plunk right onto the seat, cuz there can't be too much there that wasn't there before, and you're just grateful that you didn't fall all the way in or mistakenly go in the men's room.
Level 4: Wasted - You wake up in the floorboard of DrunkenFelix's car as she is driving you to Walmart and asking you what size underwear you wear cuz you need a change and she is going to buy you some new ones.

Edited to add: Lurch just read this. He asked me if Level 4 was actually true. My children really do think the worst of me. BWAHAHAHAHAHHA!

Fundraising

Our latest episode (school and community) went something like this: Youth Football sold pizza kits and cookie dough 1 week before the elementary AND middle school sold crap to the unsuspecting public - and the elementary and middle school used the same company so it was the EXACT SAME CRAP. The fundraiser for the middle school came home the same day as the middle school band's fundraiser - which was also crap, just different crap. By the end of the week the youth soccer teams began selling cookie dough (cheaper than the football teams, but alas, no pizza kits)

The poor soccer kids couldn't sell anything .... everyone's checkbooks were smokin' from overuse!

Book 'Em Horns & Starbucks

bwahahahahaha! Saw that phrase on a news site somewhere talking about the latest 2 UT football players arrested (for possession of marijuana, I think). I guess they're gonna need some tiny little handcuffs for the forefinger and pinky when they hold it up for their' hook'em sign.

At least if the players are incarcerated the State of Texas won't need to buy more orange jumpsuits -- they can just let them use their JERSEYS!!!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Made the mistake of venturing south o' the bridge to the new Starbucks since our favorite Java place is closed on Sundays.
Yuppies were spilling out of BMWs and SUVs all over the parking lot, milling about the order counter and reading their non-local newspapers IN LINE! I sheepishly got some pumpkin spice latte and got the h3ll out before I caught whatever it is that makes you vote for a liberal.

I have O-fficially found the world's biggest nutcase

WTF!
Dude....quit bogarting the crackpipe!

Certified freeze-dried whackaloon from the inner circle of crap-throwing sock-monkey crazy.

Oh - and apparently he's been injected with clay.

A Memo TO: Thunderduck

RE: Our conversation about my posting Noah Drake's MBHBS video (see Sept 7 entry) to which you referred to Mr. ShouldaBeenMyBabysDaddy as BRUCE. You have made the most unforgivable of faux pas. Duly note the name of the girl at the party. (I'm sure it was spelled with an "i" at the end!). Please listen to the lyrics of the song as it plays and pay close attention to the photo about 1 1/2 minutes into the video - right after all the "Bruces." That's for you.

It's Official...

I am a catty mean-spirited bi+ch --
I could not resist video-ing this woman at the youth football game on Saturday. She either really didn't think those girls knew the routines without her or else she missed out on being a cheerleader in school and had some serious second childhood issues -- or maybe she's just big for her age -- or got held back....a bunch of grades (in that case, she is really a lot better than the others)!
btw -- I enjoyed this WAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY too much, therefore I added music to cover over my shrieks of laughter! (which only made me laugh harder) The only way this could've been better would've been if I had a SPQ margarita or some Pineapple Vodka to go with it. And maybe some popcorn. And MilkDuds.

Sadly, not only am I a bi+ch, but I am also a bad mother - cuz I spent more time video-ing her than I did my child on the field playing football!

Mind-blowing Headboard-banging Sex

Why, yes... yes I do think it would have to include that....

Why isn't this offensive-sounding coming out of HIS mouth?

burned finger on popcorn - bandaged awkwardly

cajgian't typievpe foriojraw shi0wtkij4t

also - i was cleaning the bathroom sink and retrieved something seriously resembling a wookie embryo from the depths of the drain. just thought you might need that information for later.

great

I just found out that I weigh more than Oprah.

Someone please shoot me.

So I looked at her Boot Camp. Now I have decided I am pi$$ed at her -- "People always say, "I'm too busy to exercise," "I have to be there for the kids," "I've got too much work." You know what? These are little lies you're telling yourself, and they go against the laws of self-preservation, because the more whole and healthy you are, the more fully you can give to other people."

Woman: YOU DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN - YOU DO NOT HAVE A HUSBAND WORKING 2 JOBS MAKING ENDS MEET - YOU OWN YOUR OWN BUSINESS - YOU CAN AFFORD WHATEVER YOU NEED TO BE SUCCESSFUL

Sure I may be making excuses for myself to a point -- but your exercise program is unrealistic for me - I get up at 4:30 am as it is (to squeeze in 30 minutes of exercise) -- sometimes I don't get home until 9 or 10 pm. The only little lie I would be telling myself is that I could get by on even less sleep in order to do your program for 1 or 2 hours a day.

Glad you lost the weight...but the holier than thou bs has totally turned me off.

All I wanted was some freakin' BBQ

Dear Dumb Bi+ch,

Let me give you some call-in order etiquette lessons - When you phone in your order you need to order EVERYTHING and then wait off to the side of the line while they retrieve your order when you arrive to pick it up. You should pay promptly and get the h3ll out. You DO NOT go in, get in line, forget your cell phone, get the kid in front of you to hold your place in line while you go get your cell phone from the car, get back in line, tell them you are there to pick up your phone in order for B******W*** and that it is 5 half-chickens & a pint of macaroni salad, but then pull out your list of more crap that you decided you wanted to order and tell them that you want the extra 1 1/2 pounds of brisket to be cut extra lean and can you get another pint of macaroni salad (the last one - leaving none for the rest of us) and 6 ears of corn, not to mention that you get on your cell phone while they are scrambling to update your huge-@ss order and whatever moron you have on the other end of the line wants 3 brownies and potato salad so you tack that on for the already frazzled counter staff to try to get for you, too. I am standing right behind you -- the "dirty knife" bucket is mere steps away and they don't serve beer at this establishment anymore so that I can sedate my PMSing self into an alcohol-induced level of pseudo-patience to keep from going to jail over you.

I now know your name -- everyone in the place does because we heard you remind them 1000 times while we waited over 20 minutes for you to get all your order finished -- and if I see you on the street I will probably accidentally run you over 4 or 5 times.

This is so very wrong.....

tampon flute

White Trash Riviera

Our little burg hosts these drag boat races on the lake every year - one of MyPoolBoy's musical friends was singing "Whiter Shade of Red" to describe the various and assorted necks that entered the evening's chosen establishment. He also noted that those who shelled out the $15 or $20 or so to get a tank top to wear for the evening could have saved their money. Buddy, even we don't need that bigguva clue to figure out that you crawled in from the direction of the river....

An update

What I want to be when I grow up:

A hag for a Drag Queen -- think of it: no romantic hassles and you can SHARE SHOES!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

http://austin.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/369039155.html

I have a new hero.

This Stinks!

You Were a Skunk

You carry yourself with sensuality and a flowing energy. You have a great reputation, and you follow your own (good) advice.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

Romance

MyPoolBoy thinks he can seduce me by singing "Time to get naked" to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"

Here's a tip: Just cuz it is classical music does not automatically constitute romance -- there is a bit of finesse to the delivery, ya know?

Beans AND Noodles!

So I go junk-storing (drunk-whoring) with QueenB AND my mother because I just don't know of a more redneck way to start this story! (I kept calling QueenB BarbaraJean like on Reba!)

I am in line with my carefully-selected second-hand items (junk) behind this guy who is attempting to purchase 2 white ceramic canisters. He begins to bargain with the girl at the register who replies with a Mary Jo Buttafuco hare-lip speech impediment that he has difficulty understanding. Just shoot me now.

CanisterMan: Aren't there supposed to be 3 of these in a set?
MaryJo: I don't know let me ask thomeone --- (yelling off to the guy strolling through "housewares") ' Hey Mike....are there thupposed to be 3 of these jars in a thet?'
Mike: (who has as many teeth as there are canisters in a set) There's always jest been 2 of 'em up on this shelf here
CanisterMan: I don't want to pay full price for 2 of them - there are supposed to be 3 of these jars in a set
MaryJo: I can cut down the prithe for you...let me thee--- they are $9.95 -- that is about $10 and divide that by 3....ummmmm that would be $3 and 10 minuth 3 -- you can have em for $6
CanisterMan: (either baffled by the mathematical confusion himself, or taking a bargain when he can get one) ok, I'll take 'em.....what would you use these for????
MaryJo: well, I gueth you could put your beans in them ... or noodles... I dunno what elthe....Do you want me to thack these up?
CanisterMan: Yes, and could I leave right here on the counter till I get through lookin' around?

Hang fire people -- do you know how much self-control I exhibited during this whole exchange? I for one, am GLAD that the 3rd canister was missing - because apparently she was out of ways to fill them up...beans AND noodles? Pretty much would be the end of my universe, too.

Bullies

We were trying to figure out why our dog is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy to see us whenever we come home - no matter how long we've been gone. For instance, if we must make the lengthy journey to the mailbox and back. I have decided that the cats tell her that the humans have gone for good this time and that we are never coming back so she will have to obey them, now.

Then we show back up and she acts all surprised.

True Friendship

Went to dinner with Felix and her husband last night. Felix and I sat in the back of her Mustang and the guys were up front for more leg room. We were comparing tans and we discovered that the tops of my thighs and feet are peeling since our trip to the beach. Hadn't even thought I had burned! Anyhoooo I had my shoes off and propped my feet up on the console to show Felix...and she starts peeling the skin off of the tops of my feet like a momma monkey grooming its baby.

Now THAT is a true friend.

Pedi Story

My perky little friend the CrocWhore was telling us about going to get pedicures. She is like me, she never has had many - but we howled at what happened to her!

So - she goes in and goes to pick her color polish. She is between 2 colors and just can't decide. Just as she is about to put one back, the color she WANTS slips from her hand and fall to the floor, splattering all over the tile and the walls. Decision made. The little man in the shop is trying to frantically wipe it up and tell her it is ok in his broken English, and CrocWhore is absolutley mortified. Pink splatters are all over the place and he gets some polish remover to try to get it cleaned up. It comes off the tile, but as he and the girl in the shop frantically try to wipe the wall - the paint starts coming off the wall!

Meanwhile, she gets seated with polish color choice 2 and complains to us that she does not really understand that when LittleMan is tapping her foot it is some Secret Squirrel language for her to move her foot. She assumed it was part of the foot massage of the pedicure and he just taps and taps, then eventually slaps her foot harder and harder until he finally just reaches down and moves it so he can work on the other foot!

As LittleMan moves on to work on her toenails, CrocWhore reveals to us that she had a broken toenail on her pinky toe and it was sort of hanging half-on, half-off. LittleMan asks her in pseudo-English if she wants it removed, or cut, or whatever. CrocWhore tries to tell him to just leave it - but unsuccessfully. After some argumentative exchange, minutes later, LittleMan rips the broken part of the toenail off - and CrocWhore intuitively reacts by screaming "F**K!" LittleMan holds the nail up triumphantly and celebrates with "I got it! I got it!" and CrocWhore musters all her strength to A) not cry B) hide from the shame that she just screamed an obscenity and C) not kill or maim LittleMan with one of his own manicure tools.

Somehow, everyone in the shop survives the remainder of the actual pedicure itself, but CrocWhore is not quite done with her misadventure.... She is instructed to go seat herself to dry the polish at the drying table. Alas, the translation to put her feet under the light UNDER the table is grossly miscommunicated. Little toe-separator flip-flops in place, CrocWhore promptly puts her feet up ON the table and begins to read a magazine! LittleMan comes running over, flustered, and points and wildly gestures enough to get her feet where they belong.

CrocWhore slips her feet under the table and waits patiently for her polish to dry, pays her way out and tips heavily in embarrassment.

As she sheepishly is walking out, vowing never to return to that shop again, LittleMan comes running after her -- asking for the flip-flops that she wore out of the shop! to be returned.

CrocWhore made good on her promise to not go back to that shop, but her mother did - and she let CrocWhore know that there is a big ol' square of mismatched paint on the back wall of the shop precisely where polish had splattered.

CrocWhore did her own toenails for our trip.

Unsolicted Advice

You really can't use one of those car-no-spill-sippy-lid coffee cups as a martini shaker.

Don't ask me how I know this.


****Edited to add: My(SmartA$$)PoolBoy just told me that physics-wise it doesn't spill out of it when there is coffee cuz the coffee is hot and it expands the rubber ring in the lid of the cup. The martinis are cold so the rubber shrinks. Moral: Never overestimate your rubber.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

A funny

Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shi+ out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

I love image generators

Admittedly I am laughing too hard at the Enzyte one! (I'm a bi+ch)

Some B C witticisms

Banned Camp has been a great source of entertainment for me since we have been home-bound:
My favorite -
"TACT IS FOR PEOPLE NOT WITTY ENOUGH TO BE SARCASTIC."

"I'll have a mocha-vodka-valium-latte to go, please!"

"F**k with me and you f**k with the whole trailer park!"

White Whine: "Wheeeeeere did all these minorities cooooooome froooooom? I just can't taaaaaaaaan. Why can't I daaaaaaaaaaaance?"

"That doesn't mean you have to act like a crap-throwing swamp monkey"

"My theory is if you're not livin' on the edge you're takin' up too much space."

Federal/State Prison (not just jail) is PoundMeInTheA$$ Prison

"I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I wasn't under such heavy sedation."

"Don't make me go all Sophia Petrillo on you"

"9 out of 10 of the voices in my head say pull the trigger."

"Why run when you can run amok?"

"Why kill people with kindness when you could just use an ax?"

"Who needs a lawyer when you have matches?"

And the idea that if a member of your clique gets pregnant you MUST celebrate - you have a designated driver for the next 9 months!

Rodent Drama

Here's what happened after they sucked them all up outta their holes into a truck a Sherwood Park:

I can flush the potty!

Couple of things:

1) We have water! Not from the sky! Kinda low pressure, but enough warm water to wash my hair!

B) I am sooooooo whitetrash! I actually sat and ate SlimJims with my wine tonight (all part of my water conservation efforts)

finally) I was watching that liposuction/fat hospital tv show (on TLC or whatever) and they talked about one of the obese guys trying to get to his goal weight of 220 lbs. That's me! I figure at the rate I'm going, I will get up to that amount pretty soon!

Water water everywhere

And not a drop to drink! We are still without water -- but miraculously we are all ok.

I am doing my part to support the city's request that we conserve what bottled water we have (since at 11 am this morning we only had one road into and out of town!) -- I have taken to drinking wine. WTP is a good citizen.

Our town got enough flooding that we got our own segment on the Weather Channel!
...and I am scooping water out of the pool to flush the toilet.

We're still supposed to brace ourselves for another possible 6 inches this evening (normally adding 6 inches would sound like an Enzyte commercial) to add to the 18 inches that we've already gotten! I think I was supposed to build a friggin' ark or something....

Young & Reckless ?

Saw the previews for Dr. Phil's upcoming episode on young and reckless people. One girl admits that she had to open the door while driving to throw up. Dr. Phil reacted with shock and disdain... I say it means it must've been a really good party!

(Don't write and comment on the evils of DWI, blah blah blah. This is me making a joke. Ok, so to some of you, DWI is not a joke. I don't do it. I don't condone it. Shut up and go buy yourself a sense of humor - for $5 more you can probably get a sick twisted sense of humor like mine and then it won't bother you.)

It's All Very Scientific....

I am one of the few fortunate folks that doesn't get hangovers, no matter how drunk, sick, unconcious, or any combination of the three that I become during a given evening. However, MyPoolBoy and I were discussing that certain evenings I tend to have different reactions to whatever I drink. We have to find out why! So, to solve this dilemma, here's is what I propose for scientific discovery this summer. I have to drink only ONE type of alcohol per night to the point of inebriation (beer, margaritas/tequila, vodka/martinis, rum mixed drinks, wine, and possibly wine coolers or Zimas) -- BECAUSE I need to find out which one:

A) gets me drunk fastest (and figure the cost per ounce vs. others)
B) makes me hyper & dance-y (I like this - MyPoolBoy does not)
C) makes me mellow (wine, I think, good for hanging out on the patio by the chimenea)
D) makes me pass out (not good)
E) makes me sleepy (not good if it is early in the evening)
F) cleans out my colon (we were thinking it was tequila - now I'm wondering if it's beer!)
G) makes me sing (liquid courage)
H) results in UPW's (since I still don't have one that has been unidentifiable)
I) makes me holler and cuss like Tarnnia's granny (best option)


There will probably have to be charts and graphs so that I can clearly show that I am doing this in the name of science and not just as a random and gratiutous excuse to drink myself into an oblivious stupor for a solid week. (Though that is a bonus side-effect!)

The Plan

Felix and I have decided that we are going to kidnap BagLady's old decrepit excuse for a dog and enter it in the Ugliest Dog contest on the Saturday after July 4th! I told Felix it was only $5 entry fee and the winner gets a free stay at the Marriott. We'll win. Paco is UGLY!!!!!! BagLady will probably kick our a$$es though!!!!!

Also - I must mention the fact that I bought Felix a Grease DVD for Christmas last year. SHe is over 40 and has NEVER seen it all the way through! I think I've also reference the fact that this makes her some sort of cultural retard by American standards. However, we are planning to take it to the coast with us and watch it there. She is saving it for us... like a virgin on her wedding night! I am so honored that she wants her first time to be with us!

Look what I made in prison!

Bwahahahaahahaha! I think I may put this on my BannedCamp signature!

Kung Fu

Adding to my video-creation repetoire

A Night at the Rockhoppers

Two brothers compete in a quest to become the best Dance Revolution player at their local mini-golf arcade. Thrills! Drama! Rhythm! (ok, ONE of them doesn't have rhythm)

Happy Father's Day (playlist)

I got another Pick on FIQL with this one

1 There Goes My Life - Kenny Chesney
2 I've Been Watching You - Rodney Adkins
3 Keep It Between the Lines - Ricky Van Shelton
4 The Walk - Sawyer Brown
5 Love Without End, Amen - George Strait
6 Daddy's Hands - Holly Dunn
7 Mr. Mom - Lonestar
8 That's My Job - Conway Twitty
9 Cats in the Cradle - Harry Chapin
10 The Night I Called the Old Man Out - Garth Brooks
11 Tough Little Boys - Gary Allen
12 Daddy's Little Girl - Dean Martin
13 Daddy's Little Girl/Butterfly Kisses - Faith Hill & Tim McGraw
14 I Loved Her First - Heartland
15 The Greatest Man I Never Knew - Reba McEntire
16 My Father's Chair - Rick Springfield
17 In the Living Years - Mike & the Mechanics
18 Dance with My Father Again - Luther Vandross
19 The Best Man - Blaine Larsen
20 Half the Dad He Didn't Have to Be - Brad Paisley

I remember going to HEB....

MyPoolBoy informs me that after we went to go see Corporal Punishment last night I got out of the truck and complained loudly about having to walk on the tree leaf-y things that had fallen on the sidewalk during the rainstorm. I do NOT remember it.

I DO remember: That I wore a size 8 (EIGHT!) skirt last night without a girdle, duct tape, or starvation. (shameless brag)

I also remember that Felix and I sang some dirty lyrics to Love Potion No. 9
"I told her that I was flocked with chicks
You be the 9, and I'll be the 6"

Bi+chslap and one of the 4th grade teachers was there, also, so we got pretty loud and rowdy.

I remember that I got all the women in the place to get up and dance the twist with me.

I remember going to HEB and buying WhiteCastle burgers to cure our drunken cravings.

But that's it....

Oh --Hi to my latest reader that left a comment on the Fashion post - I put up the picture of denim-shorts-girl that MyPoolBoy took with his phone for ya.

Bash

This is the game that SubFriend was telling us about on PigCandy night at Felix's.

You need RealPlayer to make the video play the commercial - there's a short ad right before it starts.

No wonder they took this sumbi+ch off the market....whacking a clown, blocks flying all over the house!

A Lament

I have fully come to the realization that tomorrow is June 15. Rick Springfield will be in concert in Shreveport. I am not getting to go. I am completely bummed. MyPoolBoy will have to do some major sucking up and pampering to make me feel even a little better. For starters, he WILL be my ReplacementRick, carrying a guitar around and letting me rip his shirt off at whatever point during the evening that I deem it necessary.

I anticipate that there will be a ceremonial killing-off of the big-a$$ bottle of wine that is sitting unfinished (for now) in the fridge. I also plan to wear my "Jesse's Girl" tank top and play my ShockDenialAngerAcceptance CD until it melts from overuse. Then I'll probably have to watch every concert clip that is posted on YouTube just to make myself feel worse.

ReplacementRick (MPB) will probably get lucky though.

Hopefully I can talk Felix into drinking with me. I need a support group.

Another medicinal use for tequila

For some reason, the day after I drink SPQs I get a pretty thorough colon-cleansing, if you know what I mean....

MyPoolBoy figured I could use it as a pseudo-bulimic weight-loss method!

Tequila as Truth Serum

Well, I started drinking SPQ Margaritas after 12 Florida time (which means it was around 11:20ish here). MyPoolBoy and I were on the patio discussing the possibilities for the evening since there is no track and no poker tonight. This brought up the discussion of needing some chips/salsa and therefore needing money. MPB wanted to use my credit card (again, as usual - Now, with the exception of a $30 pedicure, he has been with me - and in fact saying "let's use YOUR card" - for every one of these charges.) It would not be such a point of contention except that MPB is a complete dumba$$ when it comes to finances. With the right amount of tequila, I am usually just drunk enough to tell the truth.

The Conversation:
MPB - You still should have $70 on your credit card. Let me go get online and check and see if it is posting the credit from the gas station the other day.

WTP - ok

MPB - (later, on the internet and in a huff) It still shows that the credit hasn't posted.

WTP - really? Let me see....
no, look, there is not any charge to the gas station, so they must have credited it.

MPB - then why don't you have $70 on your credit card any more? It says that you only used $350.

WTP (very patiently) - that is for the month of JUNE only. Look at May and see what we spent in Florida.

MPB - (checking the May balance) What the h3ll did you spend $140 on in Kissimmee

WTP - uh.......a new digital camera at Walmart, and socks and underwear for you because you didn't pack any.....

MPB - oh

MPB - (returning to the June balance page) So where is the $70 credit?

WTP - well, if you add the $140 from May and the $350 from June that's where the $500 that I had on my credit card went.

MPB - Yeah, but when I talked to that guy about clearing the gas station charge, he said it should post by Tuesday.

WTP - then that means there was NO money on my credit card when I tried to use it.

MPB - So what is the $70 right here?

WTP - that was Olive Garden

MPB - no that should have been $50something

WTP - NO you told me to leave enough of a tip to make it an even 70

MPB - so where is the credit for the other 50?

WTP - it's not on there ... do you see it on there?

MPB - no, so then they took off the 70... so where is the other 50?

WTP - it has been credited so it is NOT THERE. MPB, you have to treat these charges like they were in a check book register so that you know where you stand.

MPB (clearly not getting it thanks to his Football High School diploma with a consumer-math-only education) - But what about the $70 that the guy on the phone told me was there?

WTP - it probably was in between crediting the $50something Olive Garden charge and posting the $70 Olive Garden charge. It is THERE (pointing to screen).

MPB - You are not getting my point... you need to follow my logic

WTP - Honey, it is right, if you add the 140 and 350 you get 490 - that is almost $500.

MPB - Ok but what about the $70? Or at least the $50 credit to Olive Garden.

WTP - It's there. Add it up. Think about it.

MPB - You're still not following my logic.

WTP - (with tequila induced honesty/bravado) No, I'm not following your logic because YOU'RE WRONG!

I then went back outside and finished another margarita. Then I did my nails and I came back in to blog while intoxicated.


Sometimes the truth hurts.
Sometimes it's funny.

Seriously, this is the first time I've ever very bluntly told him that he is WRONG. There is an unwritten rule in his little effed up world that no one but him is ever allowed to be right. I crossed the line today. I'll probably be burned at the stake.

Dumba$$.

Panties in a Twist playlist

This made it onto the FIQL Pick list after only 12 hours!

Songs that help us in our quest to dance without spilling our drinks. The only dance you can do while balancing a martini and a cigarette in one hand and dance-gesturing with the other is the Twist. These songs fit the bill!

01 Dance with me tonight The Wonders
02 Rehab Amy Winehouse
03 Twist and Shout The Beatles
04 Chain of Fools Aretha Franklin
05 Jailhouse Rock Elvis Presley
06 Johnny, Are You Queer Josie Cotton
07 Sugar Sugar The Archies
08 Hey Ya Outkast
09 Hippy Hippy Shake The Beatles
10 Tequila Champs
11 Hit the Road Jack Ray Charles
12 Louie Louie The Kingsman
13 King of the Road Roger Miller
14 Boy Crazy Little Peggy March
15 Shout Isley Brothers
16 Da Doo On Ron Shaun Cassidy
17 Great Balls Of Fire Jerry Lee Lewis
18 Dancing In The Streets Martha Reeves & The Vandellas
19 Shake Your Tailfeathers Ray Charles
20 These Boots Are Made for Walking Nancy Sinatra
21 Mony Mony Tommy James And The Shondelles
22 That Thing You Do The Wonders
23 Jump Jive And Wail Cherry Poppin Daddies
24 Wipe Out Surfaris
25 Shake Senora - Jump In The Line Harry Belafonte
26 Stagger Lee Lloyd Price
27 Rock And Roll Is King Electric Light Orchestra

Musings on Fashion

The fateful day at Universal Studios during our vacation to Florida brought out some cause for text-messaging to Felix. We (MyPoolBoy and I) also felt it necesary at a certain point to begin sending photos from the camera phone to her as well. I swear every fat person (F A T - not just overweight - OBESE) in America had to have gone to FLorida that day - and they must have all been auditioning for "What Not to Wear" One of the pictures we sent was of a big ol' girl with denim shorts - they were just too small enough that the hemline of them folded under on themseves into one of the rolls of fat at her butt/thigh line. I cannot make this up!

The winner: big boy had his pants unbuttoned and UNZIPPED under his t-shirt ala post-Thanksgiving dinner style. I noticed this only because I happened to be looking his way when he thought no one was looking...right as he was adjusting the t-shirt to camouflage the non-fastened status of his britches.

Oh - and today I decided that I want to be the kind of old woman that dresses like Porter Wagoner in drag with enough sequins and rhinestones and hairspray to cover 2 televangelists!

My New Favorite Song

¨The man said, ´Why you think you´re here?´
I said, ´I have no idea.´¨

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

¨They tried to make me go to rehab, I said no, no, no!¨

What I Got at Epcot

This ALMOST qualifies as a UPW, but I since know how it happened, I guess I will have to continue in my quest to acquire one legitimately!

After a couple of days of my mother driving us crazy - which we finally found attributable to the fact that she was remembering how her previous trip to Florida was when she took Thunderduck, Trainwreck, and Lurch 10 years ago. (She was wanting to do the exact same things at the same places with my nephews, Thing1 and Thing2, and Chunk.) Anyhoo - we got to the point at Epcot when I figured it out and told ShallowHal and his wife. MonsterInLaw was with us, too. We schemed to ¨allow¨ her to take the kids back to the condo and take them swimming about mid-day (cuz that´s what they did LAST time!) and we finished going to the World Showcase without them. This ended up being very relaxing because A) we were not having to wait for ShallowHal´s oldest, Thing1, to do all the pin trading that eventually made MyPoolBoy almost insane and B) they sell likker at Epcot. This should be highlighted on tourist information. Why was I not told this sooner?

SOOOOOO We went to the UK section of Epcot and MonsterInLaw treated me to a 1/2 yard of ale. I am not sure how many fluid ounces a 1/2 yard of ale is, but rest assured it was enough to make me happy. So by the time we were in Norway, ShallowHal begins pointing out pseudo-naughty interpretations of the signs on the shops as we were going into the line for one of the rides - do you think I remember what the ride was called? - h3ll people, you´re lucky I remember I was in Norway! Anyway, as I was looking at the signs, I ran smack into one of the poles that comes out of the ground where they hang the ropes to separate the lines of people - and it did not hurt! The next afternoon though, I had a huge-a$$ bruise on my abdomen and knee on the left side - precisely where the impact with the pole had occurred, so I therefore concluded that it probably DID hurt, I was just too drunk to know it at the time!

When I called and told Felix about it, her concerns were simple: Was I sober? (of course not) and Did someone take a picture of it? (sicko)

I am so thrilled that she can find entertainment in my misfortune.

The Prodigal Princess Returns

I back from Florida - 10 days and not one of them spent laying by the pool or on the beach! We hit theme parks and tourist traps like you wouldn´t believe - and I did not buy one single flamingo! Don´t know how that happened!

I using today as a day of rest - I´ll post more tomorrow.

Pig Candy Recipe Amendment & Reggae

Just wanted you to know that the thick bacon does NOT work - it comes out floppy. We also decided that considering we are using local (Read: Cheap) bacon, it might help if we drain off the fat halfway through cooking so that it can crisp up better.

Some wild hair made me download and burn some reggae style songs onto a cd - it is very conducive to on-the-porch wine drinking. ...It has been titled "Porch Drunk-y"
BWAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA!

Leaving for Florida on Friday - haven´t packed a Dayum thing!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I really should not laugh at this. It is cruel... BWAHAHAHAHAHAA! That is EXACTLY why it is funny:

I Got Carded!

Buying beer at Walmart for DrunkenFelix.

So there, beeyotches!

Pig Candy

Ahhhh - adventures at Felix´s house have given rise to some ¨rules¨ for Pig Candy.
First of all, here is the recipe:
Bacon (several strips)
Brown Sugar (enough to coat strips of bacon)

Directions

1. Coat uncooked bacon in some dark brown sugar.
2. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes.
Recipe from The Sweet Potato Queens' Big-Ass Cookbook and Financial Planner, by Jill Conner Browne copyright Copyright 2003, Three Rivers Press publishing.

Now, due to my inebriated state after the required 20 minutes, the second batch of pig candy that we made last Friday night was done when the smoke alarm went off - literally. I burned the h3ll out of it. This gave rise to the first 2 rules of Pig Candy:

Rule 1) I am not allowed to make the second batch of Pig Candy (due to the aforementioned inebriated state that I will undoubtedly be in after 20 minutes of being at Felixś house)

Rule 2) If you arrive late to Felixś house, you will not get any Pig Candy (see the reasoning for Rule 1)

One of our sub friends was there with us Friday night and told me she had tried to make it but all the sugar came off and did not coat it so well. Our theory was that she had used a good quality of bacon that was too lean and did not have enough fat to hold the sugar in place. Well after reading the Marriott´s menu for Motherś Day Brunch and arriving at the conclusion that $45 was too much to pay for it considering that the salad bar had ¨local lettuce" -which we surmised to mean that it came from HEB - this past weekend we arrived at Rule 3:

Rule 3) To ensure quality Pig Candy, you must use ¨local bacon¨ (no expensive stuff! Go for the Hill Country Fare/HEB brand!)

Stress Relief

Got this in an email from my aunt.

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.

The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

See? It really does work. You're smiling already.

Tarnnia's Granny - My New Idol!!!

I completely and totally have a new hero! Here is just a sample of some of Granny's antics -- I swear - I can imagine me and Felix being like this in about 40 years. I've been driving her nuts by talking like Granny - and that is SANS VODKA! Can't wait till I've got a few martinis in me and I start channeling Granny!

Barbie Girl Lip Sync

BWWWWAAAAAAHAHHAAAHAAAHAAA!

Someone needs to get out of the dorms more!

My Own Worst Enemy lip sync

This is not as hard as I thought it would be. There's plenty of crazy people out there with video cameras!

Jessie's Girl Lip Sync

I must caution you that the girl gets a little too into it at one point -- maybe it was just the sound of Rick's voice!!!!!

Grace Kelly lip sync

Ok, so I found this one, too! I think I'll probably find all the songs on my wtp playlist and post 'em. Watch the girl in the back with the towels!!!!!

Grace Kelly



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Killer Queen lip sync

killer queen-jd

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Got this from MySpace Videos. I probably don't have to tell most of y'all which kid of mine this reminds me of!!!!

No matter how you look at it, smart is not pretty!

Ok, so after a bit of an argument with MyPoolBoy (he sat by Felix last night at RBar instead of me - I pointed it out, he got defensive), I've come to realize a few painful realities about myself.

I use housework and cooking as a means to make up for any shortcomings I feel I have as a woman (i.e. - if I'm not pretty enough) - so that is probably why I go into overload-rampage-nesting mode whenever I am feeling sorry for myself.

I usually end up feeling sorry for myself after I've tried too hard to be "strong" after some sort of downfall (ok, my uncle's funeral was Monday, and I had to deal with TAKS on Tuesday, so it's been a rough week) -- and I think I do this because I have a habit of hiding my feelings (weakness) until I finally just implode. Then the whole "I'm not good enough monster" rears its ugly head.

I've always been "the smart one" and no matter how "attractive" people try to make you think that beauty on the inside is, the reality is pretty and smart are not the same thing.

Don't Mess With My Peeps!

From Wikipedia:

Peep Jousting

The messy and largely self-entertaining game, "Peeps Jousting" is played with a microwave. One takes two Peeps, and licks the right-hand side of each until sticky. A toothpick is thereby adhered to each Peep, pointing forward like a jousting lance. The Peeps are then set in a microwave, squared off against one another, and heated up. As they expand, the toothpick lances thrust toward each opponent, and the winner is the one that does not pop and deflate. There have been many confirmed deaths of peeps. Ties (both fatal and harmless) are common. Both usually are eaten after the competition, however, regardless who the victor was, calling into question the nature of "winning" in such a circumstance.

And people say I'm weird....

Places I've Peed

I just responded to this thread over on BannedCamp. I thought that it bore repeating here:

I have peed on the field at Permian High School (yes, the Friday Night Lights school). I was out drunk with the rest of the gymnastics team (we went to the cross-town rival school) one night and we felt it needed to be done.

I've also attempted to pee on a fire hydrant, but it required a clothing change later.

You! Off the Pole!

Another playlist - this is one that will make drunken middle-aged women think that they should be the center of attention by climbing onto a table and grinding their hips.

You! Off The Pole!
1.
Like A Virgin
Madonna
2.
You Shook Me All Night Long
AC/DC
3.
Pour Some Sugar On Me
Def Leppard
4.
Cherry Pie
Warrant
5.
Lady Marmalade
Patti LaBelle
6.
Brick House
Commodores
7.
Love To Love You Baby
Donna Summer
8.
Nasty Boys
Janet Jackson
9.
Feel Like Making Love
Bad Company
10.
Toxic
Britney Spears
11.
Fire
Pointer Sisters