Time Out

Ok, so last night DrunkenFelix and I had a long-overdue evening out, which resulted in becoming another one of our blog-worthy misadventures. We decided the first week of school had been too much to handle and we needed to get our Friday drink on.

Felix has a switch class with a VERY defiant boy in it, and some of the other kids seem to fear no consequences. She is already frustrated.

I have Screech of Honk-and-Screech fame, Mr. This-Is-Not-the-Playground himself. I needed a drink on TUESDAY.

So we go to the SportsBar downtown with MyPoolBoy and pigged out on a smorgasboard of bar food. A little later, here comes a co-worker, Striptease (she told everyone in one of those "getting to know you" games at the start of school that she had been a stripper in college - it was a riot!). She had been out to eat with her hubby and stopped in for a glass of wine. We had a blast talking and digging out the tiara and boa for them, and when she went to the restroom, we asked her man how they met - he had been her professor in college! BWAHAHAHAHA! So now I have to call him the Prof.

Well, they left and MyPoolBoy went down to another place and DrunkenFelix and I decide to go collect tips for the band because their jar was empty, and we felt bad for them. As we make our way around, some guy tells Felix "If I want to tip the band, I will tip the band." Felix said we didn't know the band, we were just trying to help them out a little. And again he said, "If I want to tip the band, I will tip the band... do you understand?" And DrunkenFelix said, "I understand that you're an a$$hole" and walked off. So that was funny at the time.

We made our way back around and gave the band their tips, and sat back down. About 2 minutes later the manager comes over and asks us if we were the ones collecting tips for the band. We said yes. She said she didn't appreciate us calling her patrons a$$holes and for us to not collect any more tips for the band. Felix told her we didn't even know the band, we just were trying to be nice. Manager tells Felix that she didn't want her customers treated badly and he was a good tipper. Felix told her "Am I not a customer too? You don't know if I'm a good tipper or not" and TURNED HER BACK TO THE MANAGER. I just sat there and shrugged my shoulders. The manager started to walk around the table to get were she could look Felix in the face, but I guess she thought the better of it and walked back off to talk to A$$holeTipper. So there we sat on the bench at the table in the SportsBar. And we dared not move. Like we were in TIME OUT for name-calling after A$$holeTipper tattled on us.

But then, as if the heavens above parted and a ray of shimmering golden light was showing us the way to salvation and repentence for our sins, there sat one of the owners of the SportsBar. And DrunkenFelix knows him - it was CIALIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, we got out of time out for sure, but right about then MyPoolBoy came back and we told him what had happened and he had us go down to the place down the street with him.

Here's the difference: We walk up to the place, see the owners (that MyPoolBoy knows really well) and I tell them that we just left the SportsBar because we basically were put in time out for calling someone an a$$hole. So OwnerLady puts her arms around us and tells us that will NEVER happen in her bar, and walks us in. As we make our way to the bar, she points out several people, and with each one she says, "That's an a$$hole, and as long as you are here, you can call him an a$$hole if you want to!"

Successful evening.

Why is it that guys dance in place (especially when seated) with that forward almost-autistic to-and-fro rocking movement and think that they are jammin? I mean the whole 80s head-banging heavy metal hair band genre alone should suffice as evidence to this dance craze sensation.

It is a pseudo sexual movement, I'm sure. That's probably why dancing is considered sinful in some religions. And I don't think that it's necessarily that the intention of the dancer is to be risque - it's just that's how white boyz dance.

Badge of Honor

This http://www.says-it.com/seal/
has inspired me to think about making myself some WTP/Lucille merit badges.
There would be a list of requirements for each badge, of course. I'm thinking some of the badges could be:
Drinking Badge
Regalia Badge
Purse Badge
Witty Comebacks/Smart-Mouth Comments Badge
Trailer and/or Home Decor Badge
Walmart Cuisine Badge
Music and Songs Badge

Any ideas?
Any takers?

I'll post more later as I get inspired.

Too Much is Not Enough

MyPoolBoy is under the impression that I have too many versions of Jessie's Girl on my mp3 player. Seven, too be exact.

1) The original version by Rick
2) an smooth acoustic version by Rick
3) an acapella version by Rockapella
4) a live acoustic version by Everclear
5) the punky-rock version by Frickin' A (this one includes the excerpt from their video that has Rick posing as a psychiatrist & playing the guitar solo)
6) a country-ish version by Jared Wagner of Lonestar
7) a fun Kinks-ish version by OK Go (the YouTube treadmill group)

Great Minds - Alike

Match yourself with Rick Springfield

I am 98% compatible with him on an intellectual level.
Only 33% on a physical level (how do THEY know that? Give me 5 minutes alone with him. That'll change.) Oh well, I'll just have to keep using MyPoolBoy's body.

This matching is based on birthdays/biorhythms.

One of my best CelebMatches on this site, though, is Jeff Gordon.
Yes, NASCAR Jeff Gordon. I'm doomed to Redneckdom.

Oh Baby!

Video Parody of Matthew McConaughey

See more Joey Kern videos at Funny or Die

Copacabana! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I can't get over how much this guy sounds like the real deal!

Acting My Age?

I took the realage.com test like they talked about on Oprah.

I am EXACTLY 6 years younger in RealAge than I actually am!

Does this mean that I can have my big-a$$ 40th birthday again in 6 years????

Texas Redneck Festival

Texas Redneck Festival - Nov. 8 - Spokes Sports bar, Burnet Texas

Ok, I'm in. Where do I sign up?

Heavy Petting

Put this one down in the list of worst pickup lines ever (along with the "I'm on Cialis" gem).

Last year, Lurch was standing around the stadium and saw 2 girls, one of whom was carrying her pet ferret.

Lurch approached the girls and politely asked the one carrying the ferret: "Oh, cool, may I pet your weasel?"

I pretty much burst into tears laughing and walked to the car, leaving him there to figure it out for himself. I DO think he at least got the girl's email address, though.

Still More Proof

That my niece is really my child, she just came from Pepita's womb. Here is the darling wtp-in-training child dunking Oreos in the champagne at Trainwreck & BrideOfTrainwreck's rehearsal dinner.

Time Warp

Apparently MTV is planning to remake The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Dumba$$es. This is one that I just CANNOT fathom being redone correctly. Especially if it is going to include "new, original songs." So who are they going to hire to choreograph the new dances and give us new dialogue to memorize? Let's face it, it's taken me 20+ years to learn just SOME of the OLD version.

Trainspotting was one thing. This is something else entirely. I'm thinking it'll wind up being really corny crap with lame "up-and-coming" stars that will be on VH-1 I Love the 2000's in about 10 years. Or on a where-are-they-now show. Or as a guest on celebrity Deal or No Deal.

OMG what if they turn the Time Warp into a rap song?

Please make arrangements to shoot me in the head repeatedly if this happens.

No one can possibly get the full blunt-force trauma that is RHPS unless you get to throw shi+ at the screen with 200 other drunken idiots while you shield yourself with newspaper so that your date won't get a free shot of your braless wet-tshirt boobs during the rainstorm scene ...I've heard.

Cleanliness Is Next to Impossible

Answering a post over on Banned Camp about how clean our houses are:

Mine was clean for Lurch's graduation in May

Taught summer school in June and left MyPoolBoy, Lurch, and Chunk at home alone during the week. It became disgusting.

Went out of town for 4th of July week

Left for the coast for our "Lucille trip" first full week of July

Came back and did wedding prep until last week.
Getting ready to go camping now.

I have had no summer.
The house looks like shi+.
I did not make this mess.

I also sound like a broken record.

If they would all move out, it would stay clean.
Or I could burn the place down and start over.

Plan B

Thunderduck and I have decided that his wedding will need to include a few more laughs than Trainwreck's. (Cuz, let's face it - I was too stressed out and pissed off about last minute stuff to really enjoy it till the tequila started flowing)

We will of course, continue the Bohemian Rhapsody/Wayne's World head-bang mother & groom dance, and I promised that he will get orange cake for a groom's cake, too.

However, all prospective suitors for him need this caveat:
You WILL be embarrassed during the garter toss.
Well, not so much the toss, but the search for the garter all up in your dress. We will need to make sure the chair or bench that wifey sits on has a slipcover of some sort over it. Then Thunderduck will go in and retrieve:
-a golf club
-a lawn gnome
-big-a$$ granny panties
-an Elvis album (or clock)
-possibly a ham sandwich

Yes, he is cute. There is a price. You have been warned.

Wedding Quotes

Top quotes overheard at Trainwreck and his new bride's wedding last night:

1) after the leftover cake was dropped by DrunkenCollegeKid1 in the parking lot - BosnianDrunkenCollegeKid watched Thunderduck and MyPoolBoy salvage the top tier back into the box to load it into the car to be sent home for dorm-room consumption later, leaving the other tier on the asphalt - comment regarding the cake remaining on the asphalt:
"In Bosnia, that's still good cake!"

2) when Thunderduck introduced me to his friends - comment regarding his expectations for their behavior for the evening:
"Hey guys, this is my mom. No hitting on my mom."

3) during the father of the groom toast (MyPoolBoy) - comment regarding advice to the bride:
"Thanks for taking him off our hands. Now go buy lots of bleach."

4) after ReallyDrunkenCollegeKid dropped leftover-send-to-the-dorm fruit bouquet in the floorboard of Thunderduck's car - comment regarding fruit in the floorboard and his lack of recollection of how it came to be in the floorboard and Thunderduck's futile attempts to clarify the situation:
RDCK-"Dude, what is this in the floor?"
TD-"It's fruit"
RDCK-"Dude, why is their chocolate covered fruit in the floor?"
TD-"You dropped it"
RDCK-"How did I drop chocolate covered fruit in the floor?"
TD-"You were holding the fruit bouquet and you dropped it in the floor"
RDCK-"Who gave me chocolate covered fruit?"

The Golden Years

QueenB was giving Pepita a hard time last night at the bachelorette party for Trainwreck's bride-to-be because Pepita has difficulty wrapping her little pea brain around the concept of what she calls "Old People Sex" (which she punctuates with a full-body shiver).

BrideOfTrainwreck pipes up with: "No, worse than that - nursing home sex!" And the two of them practically convulse from the very idea.

I shut them both up quickly.

Cuz I figure those Craftmatic Adjustable Beds could get into some pretty kinky positions.

In the Bag

One of my friends tonight told me that my infamous purse-o-crap is like I'm the White Trash Mary Poppins.

Branded for Life

Done. I LOVE it!!!!

Rocks

Felix got this humongous ring for her anniversary. Like, "if-we-go-out-looking-for-a-bi+ch-to-cut-at-the-coast-this-summer, I-will-push-Felix-out-in-front-to-whack-her-with-the-bling" big.

Which brought this thought to my mind (because I DID ask the question - you know the one...)

The first time you score a diamond in a relationship, the man gets down on his knee and proposes.

The next time you score a diamond (i.e., an anniversary ring), the WOMAN must have been down on HER knees!

Dear Rick

This is too funny!

"Not like the last 3 concerts...."
"Please call me"
BWAHAHAHA! I LOVE this chick!



See, all I did was send him a MySpace message asking him to design my trampstamp.

Design My Tatt Challenge

This is what I posted to my MySpace Bulletin. I thought I would open it up further to the rest of you. If you want to send me a design and you don't have my email, then leave me a comment and I will arrange for you to send it to me.

Ok, so MyPoolBoy has convinced me to get a tramp stamp (lower back) tattoo that says Jesse's Girl, on the condition that he sign a contract stating that if he ever does anything to make us break up, HE has to pay for the removal of said tattoo as part of the divorce settlement. I refuse to have any reminders in case there is an unfortunate drunken incident at a strip club or something.

You can't get too much more white trash than that!

And Rick Springfield - if you actually read this (since you are on my friends list) I know I left out the "I" but that's how MyPoolBoy spells his name.

BTW I'll probably pick yours automatically if you enter the challenge, so give it a shot - you're a shoe-in!

The rules for the rest of you who are NOT Rick Springfield:

1) I want "Jesse's" on top of the word "Girl" (nasty to say, but that's where I like him! - apologies to my sons for that horrible mental image, but you know your parents DO still do it occasionally)

2) It has to be in lettering that is legible (legible means readable for those of you who graduated from PeytonPlace H.S.). Let's face it - I'm 40 and the only people who will be looking at it are MyPoolBoy (who is also 40), my friend Felix (older than 40), and possibly some dirty old men at the beach. All of whom have failing eyesight due to their advanced age.



3) I would like some sort of simple scrolly-looking decoration at either side to "spread" it out a little.

No fire shooting out or bat wings or crazy crap like that! It's my back, not a '78 Camaro!

4) You have 5 days (4 1/2 really) to submit your entry - by Wednesday, June 18.

We are trying to time this so that
A: Felix and I can have a road trip to get the tatt one day after summer school and
B: It will heal before we go on our beach trip

5) I would prefer just plain black design or VERY little color. Pink, perhaps.



6) Submit your design in GIF format (so that it will print clearly for the stencil for the artist)

7) Once you submit your design to me and the ink hits the skin, you lose all copyrights to the image. Your design will be presented on the lower back of my veryownbody, of which I have recently lost 12 pounds and tanned to the beautiful golden doneness of a pork chop. It will be highlighted further by my latest Walmart acquisition - a white monokini bathing suit.



Happy Designing! May the best tatt win!

DDD (Dear Dumb Dog)

Here's a little memo for Weasel:

Dear Dumb Dog,
Stop barking. There are 3 reasons why you are making a fool of yourself by barking right now:
A) You only weigh 5 pounds - no one is scared of you
B) Your leash is tied to the table - there is no way you could do anything about it if anyone WAS scared of you
C) It's "Daddy" coming through the gate anyway - it's not even a real intruder

White Trash Contract

Told MyPoolBoy that I would get a tramp stamp that said "Jesse's Girl" if he would sign an agreement stating that if he ever did anything to cause us to split up, he would pay to have it removed as part of the divorce settlement.

Fashion Alert for Men

If you are scrawny AND old...

Button your dayum shirt.
You are not fine. You are not sexy. You are not even cute.

I don't need to see it while I'm eating.

Sweet Revenge

So my little tormentor from the regular school year who thought that he would be free and clear of me for summer school because he assumed he would have a special ed teacher was WRONG!

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

One of my girls told him in the cafeteria this morning that I was at summer school.
"No way!"
"Way"
I walked up behind him and he put his head down on the table.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

SO today he starts acting up in class and I escorted him to the hall and informed him sweetly that there IS NO ISS in summer school and if he got sent to the principal he would get sent home and would NOT be allowed to come back.

His eyes lit up.
Sucker.

SO he says "will I be able to go to 4th grade"

wait for it...
wait for it...
It was killing me - making him suffer - no, you won't be allowed to come back so you won't get credit for being here....so.....

NO!
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Then he so smartly says: "What if I wait until the last day and do it"

(step on into my parlor said the spider to the fly)

NO! You have to be here every day to get credit for it!
BWAHAHAHAHA!

The next 12 days are going to be absolutely fun!

Light Up My Life

Can we speak of candles? I'm baking brownies and the smell is wafting through the house, sparking a discussion of how the candles you can buy that are supposed to smell like cookies or whatever never do. If they made some that REALLY smelled like brownies or chocolate chip cookies I would SO buy them. And probably try to eat them.

I'm thinking that the candles that smell like "Fresh Linen" (laundry) are of no use to me unless my MonsterInLaw is coming over and then I might light some up just to make her think I've been doing housework!

Hand to Mouth

Boys - think about this a minute

I know we hygiene-pushing girls (From you mom to your wife/girlfriend) nag all the time about washing your hands after you go to the restroom. Here is the one sobering thought that will probably make you as much a believer in post-potty cleanliness as us:

If you go pee, and you do not wash your hands, and you later put your hand to your mouth (or even in your mouth to lick off hot wing sauce) - you are essentially giving yourself a bj.

I'm just sayin'....

Ten Kinds of Freakshow in One CraigsList Post

My comments are bold italics - couldn't resist

Very Complicated Request, Please Kindly Read!!! - m4mw - 35
Reply to: anon-58988662@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-02-08, 8:53PM PST


If you are groggy or stoned please do not read this, (if you are not groggy or stoned, get that way quick, cuz you need to be in order to wrap your brain around this weirdness)
I need your complete and sober attention, for my request is uniquely detailed ("uniquely detailed" - read: insane).
I am a man, 35, white, black hair with brown eyes. Okay, first what I am looking for is a woman primary, but secondary it could be a woman and her man, but the man will have to remain behind the black curtain and only watch through the cut out eyeholes. (freakshow #1)
The black curtain is inside the apartment that I reside in. This apartment is a fashionable studio in the hot part of town (no a/c),
and all my neighbors are graphic artists (gang taggers).
So now please kindly listen to my request: what I require foremost in a woman with bushy eyebrows (freakshow #2).
And they must be TWO eyebrows, because one eyebrow is an abonination against Gaia (what? YOU are being picky about unibrowed women??? THAT's your dealbreaker???).
What I want is for the woman to become naked and pose herself before me (don't all men?).
I have a carpeted pedestal (old shag ottoman that homeskillet fished from the dumpster)
so her feet will not grow cold (how thoughtful of you).
I will present her with a very well preserved Mesopotamian bowl.(freakshow #3)
She will hold it and she must be careful not to drop it as it has to be back at the museum by 8am tomorrow (I am a worker there) (I bet you aren't now).
Next I will hand her tweezers.(freakshow #4)
Then she will pluck her eyebrows until her forehead is vacant. (like your skull/ freakshow #5)
The eyebrows will drift into the bowl and then I will take the bowl from her and go to my kitchenette. (freakshow #6)
I will then toss a salad into the bowl and mix the eyebrows in it. (freakshow #7)
The woman can decide the dressing, but I have only vinegrette and thousand island. (hmmmm. decisions, decisions - what kind of dressing DOES one put upon eyebrow salad, and will there be a soup course as well?)
Next I will re-present the bowl to the woman, along with a utensil, (probably a spork that you lifted from KFC)
and she will then consume the salad while I watch. I may masturbate during this part of the exercise. (freakshow #8)
However, if there is a man behind the black curtain he may not masturbate, and I will know if does because I will hear him. (what? do you have superhuman hearing now like the Bionic Woman?)
However, he is allowed to fantasize, and then he write an essay on his fantasies before I release him. (freakshow #9 - this is akin to the TAKS or SAT writing portion of the freakshow)
After the woman is finished with her salad, I will present her with a Qing dynasty teapot box, which she will open and deficate in. (I hope you're not grading the essay cuz you spelled defecate wrong - freakshow #10)
She must be careful with the box as well as it is also from the mueseum (again with the museum - go to the dollar store and buy your ancient teapot boxes and you won't have to worry about your job security)
and it must be returned or there will be trouble. (with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for POO!)
When she is finished she will return it to me, and I then I will bid her good-evening. That is all. Please send a photo, eyebrows only. I WILL NOT respond to any photos that include anything but eyebrows.

Please, serious inquiries ONLY. THIS IS NOT JOKE. So do not make funny replies to it. I have no patience for impertinence. Good day.

I'd also like to know who is going to wash that friggin' teapot box before it goes back to the museum?

Making Up

Ok, people, buy me something!

I just discovered a make-up line called Jesse's Girl Cosmetics (http://www.jessesgirlcosmetics.com) and I have decided that ALL my makeup needs to come from them. No shipping on orders over $20.

MyPoolBoy needs to get out his credit card.

Cialis, Seriously

Aside from the fact that Felix was hit upon with the line "I'm on Cialis and I have 6 hours left" this little pharmaceutical miracle (?) has prompted MyPoolBoy to spout forth his own wisdom.

The commercial warns that if you have an erection that lasts more than 4 hours you should consult a physician. MyPoolBoy mouths off that if he had an erection that lasted that long he would be having a party.

Why? So you could whack a pinata with it?

Siete Equis

That's 3 1/2 Dos Equis.it's all I can handle apparantly.

2 Things

1) Went on the walk-around town field trip with my class today. Left with 15 kids. Came back with 15 kids. Success! (Nowhere in the district employee handbook does it say it has to be the SAME 15 kids, either!)

2) There is an automatic paper towel dispenser in the ladies room at the bowling alley. One of those kinds that you put your hands under the light sensor-thingy and it spits out a ridiculously miniscule amount of paper towels for you. Half the time it doesn't work the first time your hands pass through the "field" (as if we were barcoded like a pack of gum at Walmart). This produces a martial-arts-like dance next to the sink by all who dare to attempt this slot machine of dryness. I would not have too much of a problem with it, except I think they should give us Kung Fu Fighting as background music. Or at least we should make a "brown belt" out of the paper towels for achieving any success whatsoever in our quest for dry hands.

Heavy Metal

Well, Moses had a staff that parted the sea. We've had staph in the field house. And now the staff went to a whole new place....The high school faculty faced off in the grand championship flag football game against the senior boys last night. I said it was the seniors vs. the senior citizens. That meant MyPoolBoy got to play against Lurch. It was hilarious to say the least. Lurch was talking smack and doing somersaults in front of MyPoolBoy to aggravate him.

I nicknamed it the metal bowl because of the silver hair and the various iron men and men of steel on the field (the iron and steel were in all the pins in knees, plates in necks, etc. on the old guys, mostly MyPoolBoy).

I told them they should have adopted new names like Ty Lenol, Jerry Tall, Ben Gay. I also offered to cheer De-Fense De-Fense for the seniors and De-Pends De-Pends for the faculty. It was not well-received. I think I am slightly underappreciated, don't y'all? Anyway, when their principal came out to hang out on the sidelines I heard MyPoolBoy ask him why he wasn't playing - I shot out that they were going to need SOMEONE still able to move a finger to dial subs for all of them tomorrow! Also not well-received.

Here's the punch line - the freaking faculty WON 21-20. HILARIOUS!

Not Bluffing

Here's how to beat MyPoolBoy at poker:

Wear a short skirt.

In the middle of an important hand, text him the message that I am wearing a thong.

I learned that from Ambre on Rock of Love. Who says there's nothing educational on TV anymore?

Bad in Bed?

So. Someone asked me if I thought MyPoolBoy looks like Rick Springfield...

Ummmm..... yes - when we are in bed together and my eyes are shut he looks EXACTLY like him!

Ok, I know, that was bad.

Aunty Em! Aunty Em!

There is something about tornadic activity on the Doppler radar that draws out the rednecks.

Thunderduck was on his way here from college and called us from a little past the halfway point. He said his first clue that there was a storm coming was when the black weather chaser vans with their big antennae came hauling a$$ past him on the highway. He decided to slow down and call us to see if he was heading into some kind of storm. We told him to stay where he was and let us call him to tell him when to head on in because we were going to watch the storm on the tv and yes, it was really a storm. Two, in fact. One was passing over us and another was headed his way in about 45 minutes so we wanted to keep him in between the two as he drove in.

So, he pulls over to a convenience store in a semi-small town and goes in to wait out the rain/hail and get a coke. Inside the store the rednecks had congregated. Thunderduck was beside himself and called me - "Mom, please can I leave yet? I'm having IQ points sucked from my brain just standing here!" Dumba$$ #1 comes running in from the hail and rain and decides he needs beer to calm his nerves. Dumba$$ #2 tells him that he thought it was letting up so they must be "in the eye of it" whereupon Dumba$$ #1 runs back out to his truck in the hail and rain to get the necessary funds to procure said beer. Natural Light being the beer of choice during just such an emergency, (like white wine with fish?) Dumba$$ #1 finds himself 6 cents short on money and is standing at the checkout line pondering is quandary. Dumba$$ #2 suggests that there might be money is HIS truck so HE runs out into the non-eye of the storm and digs around in the floorboards for the 6 cents. He triumphantly returned and there was much jubilation and celebration for the acquisition of beverages. Thunderduck at this point was DYING to leave. I told him that he should never look at being surrounded by lower-intelligence life forms as a necessarily BAD thing - it is ALWAYS to be embraced as an opportunity for blogging material.

You Are Not the Father

Maury Povich is proof that the white trash entertainment gods exist.

After reading a couple of posts on BannedCamp about topics like white trash wedding cars (shoepolished on the back window were the words "Just Married and Expecting") and the horrible names people give their offspring (Princess and Precious - giving rise to me remembering all the non-holy Jesuses and Angels and the especially ill-behaved Savior that have been through the halls of my school). So, of COURSE Maury was in order.

Well, the first chick was testing the 4th man, whom she met at a karaoke bar - he could not be there in person due to circumstances beyond his control (my translation: he is on parole and is not allowed to cross state lines)

Next chick - Forever (pronounced Fo'Evva) and her 3 children Eternity, Sincere, and Christopher (what the h3ll? CHRISTOPHER???? Were we having an off-day? Were there no perfume bottles around to inspire her?) Well - sperm donor #3 is not the father (surprise surprise)

SO during the commercial break, a Maury ad comes up to visit his website - where you can purchase little baby rompers with "I met my father on Maury" printed on them!

I want a t-shirt!

If You See My Mugshot on the News...

I told the secretary at school today that if they pile anything else on us this week, I will be identified as "The Shooter" in the news reports after I snap.

What My Obit Should NOT Say

I know that when I die, there will need to be some ground rules due to my questionable behavior while I am still alive. For instance, my obituary canNOT contain any euphemisms such as "crossing to the other side" -- which could be misconstrued as DrunkenFelix and I getting too drunk when we have to sleep in the same bed at the coast" and "sleeping with the Angels" is out because that could make folks think that I am still alive, just screwing a baseball team.

Remember the Alamo?

Gawd! Wendy's was a freakshow today! As dead as things have been blogwise, It is refreshing to know that I can count on our local fast food establishments to provide me with suitable material. First, after taking forfreaking ever to get waited on, I swung by the condiments counter to procure napkins, ketchup, and straws to enance my dining experience.

I got seated, and heard commotion to the left. Never one to pass up an opportunity to miss a potentially blog-able moment (a PBM), I eavesdropped like the nosy bi+ch that I am. So. There sits a mom, grandma, little sister, and the absolutely most obese 7-8 year old child that I have ever seen outside of a Maury Povich episode. Miss Piggy has already devoured her entire kids meal (except for the obviously nutritious choice of the Frosty) and is reaching over and taking fries from Little Sister. I noticed this because, as I mentioned before, there was a commotion at their table -- namely that when Mom started asking Little Sister some trivia questions from the toy/prize from the kids meal, MissPiggy interrupted LittleSister with a mouthful of LittleSister's own fries.

Mom: What is the last letter of the alphabet?
LittleSister (sweetly starting to sing the alphabet so that she can figure out what comes last): A B C D...
Only to have the fat hand of MissPiggy clamped over her mouth so that the attention whore could blurt out the answer with her mouth full of food - this time it was the rest of Mom's burger.

Now usually when there is an ill-behaved child in public, MyPoolBoy and I will wager a prediction that when the child hits 3rd grade, he/she will be placed in my class - "you'll get that one" is what I get told. This time however, I told MyPoolBoy that HE would probably "get that one" -- in ISS!

When they started packing up to go, I thought that all my inspiration was gone - NOT SO! A big ole' pickup truck drives up with all kinds of NRA stickers on the back bumper. The mudflaps have a Texas flag in the shape of Texas on them. Not the shape of the STATE of Texas - the shape of the REPUBLIC of Texas! Out of the truck slides my jean-and-moccasin-wearing subject/victim. He HAD to be like Davy Crockett Jr. the 6th or something. And he proceeds to take about 20 white 5-gallon buckets from the bed of the truck and put them into the cab of the truck- I am assuming so no dayum Yankee would steal them from him. Not that anyone in their right mind would even try - cuz I am pretty sure there was a gun or eight in that truck.

Writing on the Wall

Forgot that I had taken this picture.... It was on the outside wall of the restaurant where we ate before my stepgrandmother's funeral.

Felix was speaking to me.....

Time Magazine Cover - DISGRACEFULLY INAPPROPRIATE

I try not to let politics or controversial stuff infiltrate my blog too much, but this touched a personal nerve with me and PI$$ED ME OFF!

There's dumb and then there's stupid.

Apparently Time magazine is both.

Click the link below to go to the cover - underneath is a poll to vote/rate the cover. I gave it a 1 because there is no choice for 0. Editor got on Fox and said they would not pull the cover and: "There needs to be an effort along the lines of preparing for World War Two to combat global warming and climate change."

http://www.time.com/time/covers/0,16641,20080428,00.html

EFF YOU! Are you freaking kidding me?

I'm pretty sure he's not willing to let the military deliver a telegram of bad news to him after a loved one stormed a beach to win this "war." I bet he is not going to let himself be deafened permanently by the sounds of mortar rounds to defend the honor of a tree. I am guessing that being shot in the leg so that he is plagued by pain with every step he takes for the rest of his life would not be the price he is willing to pay to make others recycle. Or if he would - he's flat-out complete bat-sh1t crazy anyway.

I now want to go drive around all day in my SUV hauling a trailer full of chopped down trees, spraying aerosol, using styrofoam cups to drink coffee, and bag only one item per plastic bag at the grocery store in the hopes that I burn a hole is HIS "footprint" area of the ozone layer.

You know what buddy? There's no ozone layer in hell -- why don't you go there and get used to the "warming."

Here's the letter I wrote to letters@time.com

Dear Sirs:

I was dismayed to see the irreverent use of a tree in place of the American flag on your April 28 cover.
My stomach turned upon viewing your cover, because my uncle (a marine who brought home shrapnel and lifelong nightmares from Iwo Jima) was buried in April of last year. It was a FLAG and not a TREE that was draped over his casket.

Ironically, his birthday is April 30 - 2 days after your cover is dated. Happy birthday, Uncle W.

Please realize that though your Photoshopping graphics designers may be removed from the WWII era because of their youth or ignorance, there are still men and families in America who were touched by that war.

I hope you save a few trees in your "war" by not wasting the paper required to print the copies of this issue.


The only recycling that cover inspires me to do is using the magazine as toilet paper.

Squirrel Shots and Buttery Nipples

Last night at least gave me something to blog about. And I am not referring to what we drank. Let's just start things off with a photo that Felix snapped on her camera phone.

1) That is a BRA.
2) In a TREE. (on upper branch, right in the middle under the skinnier limb)
3) It is NOT MINE.

Part I: The Squirrel Shot - A new waitress was working our table on the patio- overwhelming at the least if a herd of tired, inebriated teachers are at one of your tables when it is your first night on a new job. Especially overwhelming if the tired, inebriated teachers are Lucilles.

So. MsWaitress is completely not getting our orders straight, mostly because, it turns out, she has not written them all on our tickets. She sits down in the chair next to mine and spreads the tickets onto the table like tarot cards. Let's see - *the faeries say today that thou shouldst not be a waitress*.

Well Felix's high school friend (I really think I must start calling her PreFriend - she is a friend that Felix had previous to me) is sitting across the table. Felix is in the chair next to MsWaitress at the end of the table where the "reading" is taking place. As Felix patiently (patience is the skill that Felix has gained from being friends with me!) tries to help her sort out the tickets, PreFriend looks up and notices that MsWaitress is sitting in her chair in a most unladylike manner. To add to PreFriends viewing pleasure, MsWaitress has on a short skirt. And as if THAT weren't enough, MsWaitress was also not wearing any undies!!!!!!!!!!! PreFriend gets Felix's attention and gets her to look down at MsWaitress's lap - and Felix pretty much gags and laughs herself to death. Laughter that included snorting. Clueless, MsWaitress goes in to settle all the tickets and ring everyone (except us) out. She emerges moments later and informs us that they (the boss/manager/whatever???) have told her that she is done for the night. No way. I can't imagine. So she sits down and has a drink with us. WTH????

Part II: The Buttery Nipples - After MsWaitress left, some other regulars sit down at the table next to ours and have a birthday party for one of their friends. Felix and I are driving them crazy to open the gift that is so beautifully wrapped and displayed upon the table. We cajole them into shaking it, peeking under the wrapping paper, everything - until she finally opened it. And it was a stuffed purple monkey that had velcro hands so you could hang it onto stuff - and it had a button to push that made it scream and screech. It was highly anti-climatic because Felix owns about 4 of them - like a BaskinRobbins of screaming velcro monkeys.
Anyhoo, the subject of buttery nipples came up and BigBoy over at the birthday table hollers into the little window to the kitchen to the cook to bring him some butter. The cook comes out - BigBoy opens his shirt - and I would like to say that you can imagine what happened next - and it did, but uuuuuuugggggghhhhh! Full body shiver...

Truth About Cats & Dogs

Felix tried to convince me that her new puppy probably can't go with her to visit MrFelix & Scooter cuz the other dogs would be jealous if NewPuppy got to go somewhere and they didn't. "Dogs KNOW" she told me.

Yeah. Well, cats know, too. However, if we take Weasel anywhere the CATS are not upset at all. In fact they send us a thank you note.

Hand Fart Jukebox

This guy is amazing -

Select your favorite tune!

Bohemian Rhapsody - by Queen
Baby, What'd I Say - by Ray Charles
Money - by Pink Floyd
I Feel Good - by James Brown
Yakety Sax - by Boots Randolph
William Tell Overture
Take On Me - by A-Ha
Flight of the Bumblebee
You Shook Me All Night Long - by AC/DC
Spanish Flea - by Tijuana Brass
Feels So Good - by Chuck Mangione
Sweet Child Of Mine - by Guns N Roses
Helter Skelter - by The Beatles
The Final Countdown - by Europe
Baby One More Time - by Britney Spears
Crazy Train - by Ozzy Osbourne
For Once in My Life - by Stevie Wonder
I Second That Emotion - by Smokey Robinson
Gonna Fly Now (Theme from Rocky)
Don't Stop Believing - by Journey
Theme from James Bond 007
Sleepwalk - by Santo and Johnny
Walk This Way - by Aerosmith
Stayin' Alive - by The Bee Gees
Rockit - by Herbie Hancock
Axel F - by Harold Faltermeyer
Start Me Up - by The Rolling Stones

and of course .... Too Much Time on My Hands - by Styx

Alas...

I have exactly NOT MUCH to blog about lately. MyPoolBoy and I have been out a few times and I have been inebriated to the point of hilarity, yet I either cannot remember what was so funny the night before to blog about it, or upon retrieving my state of sobriety the next a.m., I find that it really wasn't that funny anyway. (Except one of Thunderduck's friends from high school told me that he couldn't call me mom when I was standing across from him looking hot - the poor child must've remembered it the next week, cuz at poker he did not say 2 words to me and wouldn't look me in the face - MyPoolBoy and I were laughing pretty bad at that one!)

Banned Camp has been a little slow this week (with the exception of the PrisonBoard postings - "if you can't spell conjugal visit, you can't have one" and the chick whose Boo sent her his underwear from Death Row.

I can't even find anything good on YouTube because I am at least a LITTLE bit selective in my entertainment choices, and I do not consider breakdancing videos to be worthy of my viewing - fishing through the VideosBeingWatched and FeaturedVideos isn't turning up anything good, even.

Except this:


Points to consider:
A) obviously in a trailer
B) pole not secured correctly (probably had duct tape involved)
C) wearing the required wife-beater uniform
D) can't tell if she flips them the bird at the end or has up 2 fingers (as if she is counting herself out)
E) not me

I Swear to Dog

Weasel will NOT quit licking/chewing on her legs.

I'm gonna take her down to Colonel Sanders and get them breaded and deep-fried so that she can go ahead and finish them off.

Unmentionables

So here is one more thing that MyPoolBoy did to suck up for the "gravity" comment - I dragged him to the lingerie department of a store here in town and we got pretty close to being kicked out. It was just TOO funny some of the crap we found. I laughed so hard I cried and couldn't breathe.

1) Size 3X thong (DAYUM!)
2) Size 2 thong (the "why bother" panties)
3) Camouflage teddy (for "dear" hunting, or if your trailer doubles as a deer blind)
4) Bright orange thong (so that you don't get shot wearing the camouflage teddy)
5) Bunny costume (complete with a big tail sewn onto the back of the panties and fur sewn onto the front)
6) The best: a CLEARANCE RACK! The fact that a clearance rack even EXISTED sent me right over the edge. Why just be a slu+ when you can be a CHEAP slu+?!?!?!?!

Take Your Foot Out of Your Mouth

So that you can apologize!

MyPoolBoy has testosterone poisoning that has made him permanently stupid. The latest proof? We're watching Rock Of Love (shut up - that shi+ is funnier than Comedy Central) and Heather from season 1 comes on in a vampy plunging neckline dress.

MyPoolBoy says: "What kind of bra would you need so that we could get you a dress like that?"
I respond: "I don't think you wear a bra with a dress like that, dear, I'd probably have to get implants like hers to make it look like that."
And he replies: "Well, I guess when you get older gravity starts to move things down, huh?"

I know.

And yet he lives. Let this be Exhibit A that I am a very patient, forgiving person. I even refrained from inquiring why gravity wasn't pulling anything down on him. I'm a bi+ch, but I can be a filtered bi+ch.

In retribution he has paid for it by buying me new clothes and taking me to lunch. I also pulled up a plastic surgeon's website and looked at before & after breast implant surgeries. I decided he needs to shut up. I look better than some of the AFTER pictures - and I am 40 years old.

Pop Video

This is quite possibly one of the most disturbing videos I've ever seen on YouTube - you have been warned.

can't. breathe. laughing. too. hard.

omgfunny! Amy Winehouse???? Do not attempt to consume a beverage while watching this - it WILL end up spewed onto your computer screen!

Election 2008

"Vote for me" is about all I can understand!

But she's wearing a BLUE DRESS! BWAHAHAHAHA!

For the girls...

T-shirt ideas for us at the coast - at least for Felix and Baloney!



Also think I'll get Felix a set of pink and black plastic cups and superglue rhinestones to it - and some pink and black ping pong balls to make her a complete set for her birthday!

Finally

A new Tarnnia with Granny!



"Six mutha *effin* raisins"
Classic Granny.

I Am On the Bobsled...

to Hell

Because I think this is HILARIOUS!

You Think YOUR Life is Crappy?

This is a big ol' box of effed up

Fox News: Woman in Bathroom for TWO YEARS

The officer's name is WHIPPLE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Banned Camp is all a-buzz:
"Where did the boyfriend go potty?"
"What did he say when people asked how his girlfriend was?"
"Did she have anything to read in there?"
"That took commitment"
and the best one -
"A tightrope walker is crossing between two high rise buildings in New York and five hundred miles away a guy is getting a blowjob from a woman stuck on a toilet seat for two year, BUT they're thinking the EXACT SAME THING........... don't look down."

Ok - so I thought this out too much cuz I want to know why she stayed there ALL the time - did he never go anywhere either?

Did this start as a race to the can and he was NOT going to get to use his own toilet as long as she could help it? Was it a battle of wills? (certainly not one of wits)

I can only surmise that he had to have NO job and she couldn't get up without him getting back in there.

Otherwise, I would get up as soon as he left for work and then run back in there when I heard the truck pull up in the drive...

She did this ALL wrong...

I Drink. You Can't Judge Me.

Chunk was in the shower one evening and I kept hearing all this banging around in there - knocking into the shower walls / slipping sounds.

I fearfully asked him what all the noise was and he admitted to me that he had Weasel (our little chihuahua-sized dog) in there with him. He kept banging around cuz she kept trying to get out and he was slipping trying to keep her in there.

Chunk thought she needed a bath and he just put her in there with him to kill two birds with one stone.

Of course, this is the same child that I asked how often he used shampoo in his hair and he replied "every time I shower" and I (with trepidation) asked how often THAT was and he said "at least once a ... week"

Another Reason Why I Love Felix

Girl is out with flu/pneumonia/crud. I called and left a voicemail in my best Cool Runnings voice: "Felix, are you dead, mon?"

She called and left me a congested shaky voicemail in return that said: "Hey, it's me, I'm in Vegas and winning lots of money with my new best friend *DrunkerThanMe* so... SORRY - Guess I'll see you when I get back."

I swear even on our Craftmatic Adjustable Beds we'll still harass each other.

This Counts, Doesn't It?

I think that a restraining order from Rick Springfield would be just as good as a fan club membership certificate.

Day Late, Dollar Short

Well, looks like someone else beat me to another one of my million-dollar ideas...

Ultimate White Trash Tattoo

I think that a tattoo of a thong across my backside would be a real time-saver, don't y'all?

Felix says I can have no more alcohol. Ever.

The Ultimate White Trash Hairstyle

Wouldn't this be great.... a mullet AND a rat tail

Thunderduck called it a Mull Rat

Diet Coke Break

Forgot a little news from the meeting today -
We were informed that the "real" construction on the new school building could begin as early as next week...

That means the middle-aged, plumber-pants-wearing, beer-gut men driving forklifts and bobcats will be gone - and replaced by REAL construction workers - about 25 years of age with hammers and no shirts.

This Girl Can't Help It

They should just ban me from faculty meetings. The problem is, I am a smart-mouth. Especially when I am bored. And let's face it, faculty meetings are boring.

So.
Principal announces to the paras that on our 1/2 day inservice next week, one of the school board members will be SOMEWHERE in the district presenting a workshop to help them if they are interested in obtaining a degree/certification. They are not sure WHERE she will be as of yet, but just let them know if you are seeking a degree.
And WTP says: You will be given a map, a compass, and a sack lunch. If you can find where she is (like Waldo), then you get the degree!

Also - we had to watch the training video for the new AED device (defibrillator). Please understand that if anything bores the WTP more than a faculty meeting, it is a training video at a faculty meeting.
We were assured that we would probably not have to worry about ever having to use it ourselves because there were lots of CPR trained staff on campus who would be able to do it - D@mn! I wanted it to use like a cattle prod on some of my less cooperative students.

Then they offer us the opportunity to go through CPR training AFTER school on XYZ days - uh, no.
The only dummy I'll be putting my lips on during my off-hours would be MyPoolBoy. And sometimes DrunkenFelix.

Also - this big announcement: We will add this AED video to our yearly beginning-of-the-year training video watching. Woo Hoo! A triple feature! Blood-borne Pathogens in the Workplace/ Diabetes and You / AED Device

I think I'll need popcorn AND Milkduds.

Oh THIS Sucks!

Listen to the announcers before she gives her answer. Oops!
All the players are laughing at him.... and then he gets escorted off the court by some giant-a$$ mouse/bear creature.
Watch to the end and you'll see that at least someone bought the poor sumbi+ch a big ole beer!

FreeCycle Laughs

2 posts on FreeCycle boards today cracked my a$$ totally up

1) Wanted: Wedding Dress - upon further reading, we learn that the posting person is getting married in July and needs size 22-24 dress with sleeves.

Not only is she ok with a used wedding dress, she needs a BIG used wedding dress!

2) Wanted: Single Man Camper, Old is OK

I don't even need to add comments on this one. Funny how a simple hyphen would have made all the difference in that post!

Sad News

There was a car wreck out on the highway yesterday and 3 teens were killed, including a former student of mine. My student's Mom was driving - they say the weather caused it, I'm just sick. I also taught her younger son with my "loop" class 3rd/4th grade.

Younger brother was with dad. Baby brother is in a different hospital from mom.

I always knew that this day would come sooner or later - I just always hoped it would be MUCH later

I wish I didn't love all my kids so much...

Prayers would be appreciated.

White Trash Guitar

Feathers for Felix

Felix keeps telling everyone that she's finding feathers from my boa all over her house since the big 4-0 debauchery. My new layout is in her honor - cuz she is sick with the flu or something today.

Baby You Can Drive My Car

After a few glasses of wine & beer at the PlaceWhereIAmNotAllowedToYellTheFWordAnymore, DrunkenFelix and I began to plot a 25th anniversary celebration for MyPoolBoy and me.

1) We will have to go to Vegas. Felix and I and MyPoolBoy if there is enough money.

2) We will coordinate the timing with a Rick Springfield concert. MyPoolBoy will get Rick to propose to me onstage. This is a diversion from MyPoolBoy proposing to me, cuz Felix decided I would much rather marry Rick if I had a 2nd chance at marriage.

3) The wedding will be performed by an Elvis impersonator at one of those cheesy Vegas/ Graceland chapels.

4)I will lose my virginity to Rick Springfield. At this point MyPoolBoy is no longer involved in his own anniversary at all. What adds to the miraculousness of this part of the plot is the fact that my uterus is practically a clown car after 4 kids, so I don't know how we're going to handle the whole revirgination deal.

Here is where the list was interrupted by someone DrunkerThanMe. DrunkerThanMe decided that we were really fun people - she had been eavesdropping for a while. She began drunkenly singing Jessie's Girl and hugging all over us, her new best friends. We got up to go about the same time that she did, and we noticed that she was in no condition to walk, much less drive. Felix managed to get her keys and MyPoolBoy and I got her out the door to find her car. We were going to have me drive her home in her car and Felix was going to ride in the back and MyPoolBoy was going to follow in the truck, but it was a stick shift so Felix and I switched places - besides Felix said I would be better at being the talk-y bi+ch in the back seat and she could do the driving.

Got DrunkerThanMe home and I asked her to show me the restroom to stall her out of the room while Felix hid her keys behind a picture frame on the counter. DrunkerThanMe went to go get something out of the kitchen and Felix and I high-tailed it out of there.

H3ll I hope that girl didn't have to go anywhere anytime soon. At least she made it home alive.

Cereal Killer

Thanks to my email complaint to the cafeteria director, they will no longer be serving cereal as a lunch entree option to the kids at school.

I am the cereal killer.

Valentine's Drama

First announcement came at about 8:45 - Do not allow students to distribute suckers on puppy/kitty valentines from Dollar General as they have been recalled.

Next announcement was at 9:30ish - Please take up any SpongeBob valentines from HEB as they have been recalled also.

Another announcement at 10ish - Do not pass out Looney Tunes candy necklace or candy bracelet Valentines as these are also on the recall list.

Finally - take up all candy attached to Valentines. A letter will go home to parents who want to come pick up the candy later to take home.

My guess is that the little bite sized Snickers will mysteriously disappear.

Also - after school, one of the girls in another class is standing outside with her Valentine's box. It has been covered in mint-green paper and scrawled across the end of the box with purple marker "Love Hurts"

I guess it does when you are 8 years old and the school personnel takes up all your Valentine's candy!

Oh Macy Gray.....

I swear that's what this ole boy says! Did they break up? Did she try to say goodbye and HE choked?

Seriously, one of the most fitful laughing attacks I've had in a while... You MUST watch to the end because he tries to spice it up a little - the folks who sing along are a true testimony to MERCY - all the amens are because someone FINALLY came and took his mike away.



Poor dude sounds like a cat being dragged backwards by its tail through a pool of jalapeno juice with its eyes wide open.

Celebrity Look-Alikes

Ok, so here is who I supposedly resemble (74% Raquel Welch! WTF!)


But here's the best part:
MyPoolBoy looks like Albert Einstein, Al Pacino, and Snoop Dogg!!!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Well.... yum

oops... now there's drool on the keyboard

I'm having impure thoughts....

Public Service for Felix

Now that Felix has high-speed internet instead of dial-up (this IS Mullet County, y'all), I don't want my best friend to have to suffer through all the non-Granny Tarnnia videos on YouTube just to find the best ones - and I don't want to have to keep going and forwarding them all to her (I have reality tv shows that take up most of my time).

So, here are some of them:

Meet Granny - in which we are introduced to Granny for the first time - "Danged grandkids"

Without a Blanket - not really funny, but you need to see this to understand the next one

Without a Blanket 2 - "Let me tell you something, little sweet pea...I will whoop your a$$ where you won't be able to speak - or fart"

Granny Drinks a Lot - "I'm stepping in the dayum cat litter"

My Latest Painting - "This is trash"

Granny's Very 1st Video - "I won't cuss you out no mo'"

Granny & Nigel Part One - Nigel SOOOOO reminds me of Scooter!

Granny & Nigel Part Two - "That mutha -f*($ing dog"

Granny Grabs the Camera - "I took all her furniture and I done sold that $hit on Ebay"

Back Home from Retard Camp

Granny Packin for Florida - another one that is a prequel to the funny stuff

Granny Checks In

Unpacking - "awwwww h3llllllll no"

Granny Meets Gladis - here we are, Felix!!!!!! "I'm gonna go take her cookie"

Old People Talk - "I'm sittin' on my ti++iy"

Too Many Cookies

Cookies Exiting the System

Cookie Interrogation - "I only had glaze on the bottom"

Sittin' with Gladis - "I hear you talkin' about me - I got my hearing aid"

A Letter from Tarnnia - "Does this smell good?"

Gladis Got a Knife - "Oh, Snap Johnson!"

Amazing Grace - "Satan's in your throat!"

Granny & Gladis Bickering - "Take these balloons..." & "I'm TIRED of you..."

Drunk Old Ladies

Gladis Got the Gossip - "I think she was f*($ing Pedro"

She's Back

Tarnnia Gone Fishin - "You is one stupid kid"

Breaking Out of Bondage - "This is straight-up Jurassic Park"

Halloween Drama - "If you don't get me some candy..."

Merry Christmas - "My eyes have seen the glory"

Granny's Pass Me Down - "You're like that nature child that needs to be shot"

He Humps - Nigel has a Jake the Air Humping Perv Dog moment

Granny Visits My New Home

Nose Piercing - "What kind of slu+s you been hanging around?"

Ok, I Got Drunk! - "It's too late for this nonsense"

I'm Not a Promiscuous Girl - "I'm having a party" / "In your dayum bathtub?"

Hungover - "Oh, Jesus, you is not alive still?"

Me Playing the Guitar - listen to the the lyrics of the song... cuz Granny kills it on the next video

Granny Playing the Guitar - "I learned that in jail"

Yoga is Demonic - "Do you have unworthy idols?"

Ridin Dirty -

Granny Gon' Wild - this is Felix on her Harley in about 40 years

Locked Out - "Nigel, Nigel, Nigel..."

Augusta Wants to Be My Friend

Got this message in my email for my MySpace account. I clicked on the profile. Augusta lives in New York, has overly-botoxed lips (or unfortunate genetic circumstances), and only 7 friends, including Tom. One of Augusta's friends appears to be naked in her profile photo.

DENY

Caught!

Tuesday morning I arrived at school a little early and was greeted with the unmistakable pungent aroma of eau de skunk. A little later (after the sun came up) someone spotted the critter as it ran under the building right by the entrance to the cafeteria. So, someone called Animal Control and they came and put out a live trap with some canned cat food by the building. We waited.

Yesterday morning I got there fairly early and saw that we had a raccoon in the live trap. I looked at the poor guy, and offered up an apology from the whole human race to him for his false imprisonment. He was let go, and the trap was set again.

This morning, I walked by the trap and saw that we had our suspect. A bit later Barney Fife from Animal Control gets there and I see him, our principal, and an assortment of our maintenance department's finest out in the area near the trap. Barney Fife decided he needed to throw a quilt over the cage and then attach a rope or chain or something to it and DRAG the cage so he wouldn't get sprayed.

Well, he didn't get sprayed, but I choked back laughter as I looked upon the scene -Barney Fife dragging a blanket-covered cage across the lawn, maintenances guys standing around watching (not much of a stretch from the norm), and our principal carrying one of those poles with the loop at the end like he was Jim from Wild Kingdom.

The skunk, however, did not think it was as funny as I did and he apparently released some sort of SuperSoaker projectile skunk scent as he was dragged, confined, across the ground. The smell hit an a/c unit and was subsequently sucked up into the ductwork and wafted through the vents of every room and hallway of the entire building, including the cafeteria.

If Bubba had been there I guess we could've have gotten a paintball gun and determined if the skunk was pregnant or not.

Immature Humor

I cracked up at least a FEW of the kids in my class today... One of the girls was reading a book about a school talent show and how one of the characters was planning to dance to a Britney Spears song - I said, "What? The dance where you shave your head and get carted off in an ambulance?" About 5 of them cracked up totally. I had blank stares from the rest of them. At least I know who watches the news at home now.

Where I Was Saturday Night

Pictures are worth a thousand words, right? MyPoolBoy convinced the bouncer that he is really JESSE and they let him up right next to the stage to take pictures. There's nothing that love and Patron won't make a man do for his woman!

They wouldn't let me up there though. Guess I looked like a threat to Rick's security or something.

Anyway, I guess after paper, cotton, china, whatever, that the 21st anniversary is supposed to be a smokin' hot piece of a$$.

Bling!

Crown & Coke doesn't mix with Superglue and rhinestones.

Don't leave these items unattended around a white trash woman. MyPoolBoy discovered me happily blinging my mp3 player and my purse handle.

Having a Really Good Hair Day

Wasted on 3rd graders.....

A.W.

Or just a W.????? Pepita posted a photo of herself on MySpace laying/posing in bed covered in just a sheet from the chest down.

No, I'm not telling you how to get to it to view it. Pervs.

Games People Play

Don't Drop the Soap

I laughed just reading about this - and then I looked at the picture - the movers are a glock, a bag of coke, and "Anferny"

I HAVE to have this!!!!!!!!!

You Can't Make This Up

Ok, so we waited and waited all this time for our little burg to finally get big enough to warrant a Long John Silver's. It has been open for a whopping couple of months and it has already been infiltrated by the rednecks.

Here is the conversation I overheard - it was like a trainwreck - you can't keep from paying attention to it.

Cell phone call after order was placed: Something APPARENTLY is under the house and Bubba is going to find out what it is - he will call back later with a report.

Report to table: Bubba heard something under the house.

Cell phone call while getting Malt Vinegar sauce and cokes: Bubba got the tin flashing off the bottom of the TRAILER house and is going underneath armed with a paintball gun to aid in his investigation.

Report to and response from table: We just put that siding up - he just tore up perfectly good underpenning!

Cell phone call right after food order was up: Bubba has shot a pregnant skunk under the trailer with a paintball gun, what do we do now?????

Ok, honest to goodness, I quit listening after this cuz I was afraid I would PEE MYSELF and get caught eavesdropping!!!!!!!!!!!!

And My Tiara Was Still On My Head

Woke up this morning with my tiara still on my head after I fell asleep/passed out last night at my big-a$$ 40th birthday bash at DrunkenFelix's house. That, my dear readers, is fate. I also made MULTIPLE drunk dials to every member of my family (except I forgot my MonsterInLaw but she said she would forgive me this year) AND Felix's dog (whose birthday is the day before mine so I called Felix's Gigolo and told him I needed to talk to the dog - he was very understanding). Felix is very happy cuz I puked. She's never been able to get me hung-over or sick before now --- see if you can follow the clues to figure out why.....

First of all, Friday was hilarious cuz of COURSE I got my classroom crepe-papered with black and over the hill signs and what-not. And - our principal made a big deal on the announcements to the point that the SpEd teacher asked me if I was mad - I told her no, it was probably paybacks for the year that I toilet papered his house on HIS birthday.

Felix took me home from school Friday night and we swung by the house to pick up the rum and vodka that MyPoolBoy got me. As we were standing in the front yard, smart boy puts the bottle of rum down his pants and tells me if I want it to go after it. The bottle slips down his pants leg and lodges itself on the top of his boot where he can't reach it... so he turns around and unzips his pants and reaches down into his pants and starts fishing around down in his pants leg for the outlaw bottle - just as a cop drives by. And so began the first of MANY laughs for the evening. We got to Felix's and immediately I changed into my black rhinestoned tank top and fuzzy stiletto heels and boa and tiara and sunglasses and cigar and leopard gloves. The chocolate martini drinking (mixed in El Presidente shakers pilfered from Chili's) commenced.

Anyhoo - it was a FABULOUS party - Felix outdid herself and the usual suspects were there, so the translation for Fabulous Party now becomes Debaucherous Drunken Spree, including BeerPong. My dear little friends will be receiving thank you cards with a link to this page because I honest to goodness am not sure who gave me what gift due to my slightly inebriated condition so I am going to post my appreciations and impressions here (I will put up photos later):

1) Candy necklace-type candy bra from DrunkenFelix. SOMEONE has a photo on their camera phone of me WEARING this sonuvabi+ch and you need to please delete it before it ends up on youtube or some shi+. And the sucker was too BIG around the strap BUT AT LEAST NOT THE CUP SIZE!!!!!!!!!!!!

2) Little bamboo plant from Felix's Mom - my beer pong partner. I was sober when I received this, so I have an actual recollection of getting THIS gift. So, thank you, Mom - I've actually kinda wanted one of these!

3) Bottle of HotSex - chocolate cream and DEATH LIQUOR - I think this was from D@mnGina - the first of many gifts that I felt obliged to drink or drink out of during the evening - a definite contribution to the aforementioned upchucking since I drank the whole bottle

4) Flamingo and shot glass from Bi+chslap's son - apparently he got this in Florida a year or so ago and has been SAVING IT FOR ME! Way to go Bi+chslap for raising Bi+chslap Jr. so well. Of course I felt obliged (again) to drink out of it so I had a shot of Cinnamon Schnapp's - cuz it was handy.

5) A few of the girls (FrenchTickler & TrailerTrash & DownUnder???) got me some stuff like a cigar and some little purse-sized baby rum bottles and chocolate espresso beans and a flamingo glass (that I obligingly drank a buttery nipple out of)

6) ok, I THINK that the Bailey's and the cute little purse came from 10-S so that is why I drank the buttery nipple - your FAULT, 10-S (tennis humor HAHAHAHAHAHHA)

7) now - who bought the Sex-O-Meter --- I needed to add a few levels with a pen like "Are you a twirler?" and "Are you a gymnast?" cuz it didn't go all the way to the top (MyPoolBoy would be so proud) AND I also added a LOWER level: "Poor *Gigolo*" cuz that is where DrunkenFelix's menopausal self made the thing go to.

8) Baloney - we realized THE NEXT MORNING that you got me the cutest little 40th birthday coloring book and a mug - thank you dear

9) Oh! Bi+chslap got me a new flamingo lawn - my first reaction: WOO HOO! Now I can get a double-wide!

10) Bi+chslap and Felix got me the same card with flamingos on the front - the same one that QueenB sent me. It had the flamingos and then said if you woke up and this was what you saw you would have to ask yourself questions like: Is this my yard, etc. Actually my first thought would be: Looks like we need to get Victor fixed.
Imagine - 3 of the same card - a WhiteTrash Hallmark Trifecta.

11) Ummmmm, there was a 40th birthday shot glass that I drank something out of.... anyone know what was in it? I brought the dayum thing home and washed it out but h3ll if I now what was in it. Good Lord.

I love you girls! I will never forget this - definitely my best party ever.

My best gift, though?????

MyPoolBoy got me tickets to RICK SPRINGFIELD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (not enough napkins in the world to wipe up all the drool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) That is why I love him more than all of you. He knows that I will have carnal relations with Rick after the concert... I will just use HIS body.

Great.

My dog is attempting to hump the cat.

They're both females.

And I made fun of Felix's dogs....

Hairy Situation

Ok, if you are ooged out by semi-intimate stuff then stop reading now. However, if you are one of my 3-d friends or one of my sons or one of the warped college students that my sons tell me read this blog, then you'll probably be fine cuz you are used to me by now.

Here's what happened:
I made a potty run at school today and after doing my requisite thigh-building squat-over-the seat maneuver, I turned to flush and noticed a suspicious-looking hair on the seat. Not knowing if it was mine or not - you know, those kinds of hairs DO all look the same - I decided it would be rude of me to leave it there for the next person to find. I figured if I left and someone was outside the door waiting to be the next one in, they would ASSUME it was mine and think I was really gross and inconsiderate. So. I postponed flushing for a bit and bent down a little and blew on it to try to dislodge it from its porcelain perch. It didn't work. I tried again, blowing a little harder, and got one puff out before I realized the idiocy of the situation. So I discarded the blowing technique and opted for a more hands-on approach. NO, I DID NOT TOUCH IT. GAWD! But I collected my thoughts and procured a bit of toilet paper and dangled it precariously next to the hair. Then I attempted to gently sweep the hair into the water below with a dangling square of toilet paper. No go. Once more I swept across the seat and tried to get the hair to budge. It was like it was super-glued onto the dayum seat! Finally, the thought hit me that I needed to just get on with things and flush and get out of there before whoever MIGHT be outside the door started thinking that I was doing more than just peeing.
So, finally I just scrunched up some more t.p., pushed the sumbi+ch stubborn hair off into its watery doom and slapped down on the handle and finally got the flush over with.

Then I washed my hands really good with the anti-bacterial soap, stifled my laughter at the ridiculousness of the situation, regained my composure, and resolved to be sure to blog as soon as I got home today.

So there you are. Come on, now. Shut up. What would you have done??????

Crazy, Man!

Paula, RUN and get a restraining order!
"If I was Columbo I would Peter Falk - her" BWAHAHAHAAHA!
Straight up BatShi+ crazy.

She Bop

Ok, so on Oprah today this MentalPause doctor instructed the studio audience learn to "self-cultivate" their smiles for their "lower heart"

I keep hearing Cyndi Lauper over and over in my head!

Better Off Dead?

$4025 BUCKS!!!!!!!!! Just have to donate my body to science!

$4025.00

However, as a blind, alcoholic, albino, parapalegic bald obese dwarf on lithium with no appendix and elephantitis I am worth $7170.

Edited to add: Felix said I should try to get my $4000 NOW - ya know, like a credit card advance....

Some Advice

Before you go pointing fingers, make sure that you have washed your hands with an antibacterial soap and rinsed thoroughly.

Why I Teach 3rd Grade

I figured out this morning - I don't want to deal with preschool who whine and cry and don't share.

I refuse to teach middle school because it is just preschool with hormones.

High school is middle schoolers with drivers' licenses.

I'm a Card

Last night we were at a friend's house (playing the infamous point of contention poker game), and I was drinking banana-rama-shi+ (Monkey Formula). At one point I plopped my glass down and someone at the table yelled over at MyPoolBoy that I was splattering my drink on the tabletops. He hollered back "Hey, these things aren't Scotchguarded, you know!"

To which I very wittily replied: "That's OK, I'm not drinking Scotch!"

Later in the evening I sent Bi+chslap's hubby into an uproarious fit of red-in-the-face laughter when I dealt the beginnings of a royal flush - laid the suckers right on out there and announced: "Someone at this table owes me a blowjob!"

Zack-ula

I L-U-V Jerry Springer! He's got a Freakshow on there today - Name: Zack Affliction: Vampire

Now mind you, Zack wasn't BORN a vampire - oh, no - he had a "very very sexual relationship with a "beautiful woman" who was a vampire about 4 years ago (translation - homeboy found a chick to have sex with that he didn't have to pay for). So, Jerry is talking to Zackula (who is laying in a coffin) and he gets Zack to come sit on a chair like a mere mortal human would do.

Zack proceeds to elaborate on his vampirishness, including the fact that he cannot go out in the sun: Quick Jerry, open the skylight! I wanna see this sumbi+ch melt like the witch on the Wizard of Oz!

Then he offers Jerry some of his own blood to drink if Jerry would like to try it for himself: He would not - ummm I wouldn't want his O negative HIV positive Grande latte, either!

Jerry probes Zack to elaborate on how he met his wife. Zack says he was at the cemetery one night - Jerry interrupts, "What were you doing at the cemetery at night?" - and I am thinking "I needed a snack and the Piggly Wiggly was closed, Jerry"

In an attempt to press for further information about Zack's personal life, Jerry asks if he normally met women in cemeteries -- well, Mrs. Zackula was there "ghost-hunting" -- but ya know, I imagine Freakshow figured most of the women IN the cemetery wouldn't put up a fight. GROSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

Someone Take Up a Collection for Bail... Just In Case

MIL is still in ICU. They have not done surgery yet. NO ONE IS THERE WITH HER!!!!!

I cannot believe MyPoolBoy is letting her lay in that hospital to go through heart surgery with no family around. I got most of the housework and stuff done last night, so I could be ready to pack and go in less than an hour. I would still have to call and cancel a party we were invited to and go pick up some stuff for lesson plans but he just needs to decide to go.

I swear if I ever fall over with a heart attack and he goes and plays golf I will use my last dying breath to beat the crap out of him with his own 9-iron! I can't believe he is doing this to his mother!!!!!!!!!!!

Soooo now he tells me that we spent too much on Christmas and we don't have the gas money to get down there and back and he would be losing money if he doesn't run this poker tournament on New Years.... blah blah blah (I'm thinking it is only the 28th - new year's is 3 days away and they said she'd be out of the hospital by then)

Shoulda thought of that before he spent $ playing mutha eff-ing GOLF yesterday!
Hell, I think we could hock his golf clubs and get gas money -- what the hell is wrong with him????

Money is not REALLY the issue (he is still planning on going to play POKER TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!)

I have stuff set aside in the laundry room (not packed, mind you, but ready to be packed).

I just really don't want to have to maim or kill him during the holidays. Bail bondsmen are probably too short-staffed right now to handle me.

If Anything Bad Ever Happens to Me I Will Probably Just Be Left For Dead and WIll Get Eaten By My Cat

MyPoolBoy called his mother (who lives about 7 hours away) over the holidays and found out she had been sick. He called my brother in law's fiancee who lives near her and had her go check on her. She was worse, so she took MIL to the hospital. They checked her in and found she had had a heart attack and put her in ICU. Did an angiogram and are possibly going to do surgery tomorrow. So she could use a few prayers.

SO... I got up this a.m. and started cleaning up holiday stuff and getting some laundry done in what I thought was going to be prep for a long trip across the state to go be with her.

MyPoolBoy went and PLAYED GOLF today. I got some stuff done, but I really don't know what else I need to do. He told me he doesn't know if he wants to go or not cuz he has a poker tournament that he needs to run (his side business) on New Years. That is 4 days away! I do not understand how he does not want to at least go and stay until THEN. (Denial? My father in law died about 2 years ago on MyPoolBoy's birthday) It's not that he doesn't care - he is pretty close to his mom.

My quandary is this: I (somewhat selfishly) do not want to be scrambling at the last minute if he decides to go, or if heaven forbid, she gets worse and we HAVE to go. And he is p.o.'d at me cuz I won't just sit down and relax and "enjoy my holiday".

He is kinda bad about doing things like this... he went bowling when he found out I was going to be induced to have our first baby and the baby didn't come right away, he missed being with his dad when he died by mere minutes because he decided he wanted to go through the drive through at a particular fast food place and get a specific brand of burger instead of waiting to eat later across the street from the hospital. I truly do not know if this kind of crap is because he is trying to avoid stressful situations or if he is really THAT clueless and/or selfish.

Christmas Letter

Seasons Greetings, Y'all! Here, in retort to ShallowHal's family Christmas letter (cracked my a$$ up - they put in there that Thing1 was the "Most Improved" player on his PopWarner football team - which we all knows translates to mean that he sucked and then sucked less by the end of the season!). Anyhoo, I offer up our White Trash Christmas letter:

We would've got this to y'all through the mail and all, but we waited to see when the stamps would go on sale 1/2 off like the sales at Walmart, but did y'all know that the post office doesn't do that? Well, we sure as h3ll didn't, so that's why we're here on the web, posting it at the last minute.

Thunderduck is still living in the dorms at the big city college and he has a part time job fixin' tires down the street. He has gotten all the way to Medium Level on Guitar Hero and he promised that he will bring it down with him when he comes home for Christmas.

Trainwreck changed his major to Art and we are thinking that he just did it to look at all them naked paintings in those art books and whatnot. He got engaged to a nice girl, but she is from Virginia and we don't know what we're gonna do about having a Yankee in the family.

Lurch got through with football season with no concussions (of his own) and is getting ready to graduate. He has not decided on a college yet, and we are pretty darn afraid that THAT means he is planning on living here still.

Chunk was sent to his room to "clean it and not come out until it's done" so we're not even sure if he is still with us. We'll probably just claim him on our taxes and see if anyone calls bullshi+ on us.

Well, hope this letter finds you and yours all well and healthy. If any of you find the need to purchase a last-minute gift for one of us, we are sorely needin' some more rum for the fruitcake-baking, cuz we somehow keep a-runnin' out!

Walmart Shoppers Trifecta

Ok, I saw 3 GREAT Walmart-ians today while doing some last minute gift buying:
1) Woman who was in her black velour sweat pants and matching velour sweat jacket - I am to assume that she could not find the matching velour running shoes cuz HOME GIRL was BAREFOOT!!!!!!!!!!!
2) Butcherella put her LoneStar Card in the BOTTOM (no, I don't know how or why) of the card-slider-dealie and got it stuck, thus holding up one of the three express lanes that were open and taking a cashier and 2 customer service managers out of circulation for the rest of us to get any transactions completed! Hun, if you are gonna use da welfare, learn yo'self to use it right.
3) Botox Woman in line in front of us - too good to get her bags off of the carousel thing and load back into her basket once the cashier sacked 'em up (I'm assuming her dragon-claw manicure had something to do with it), so we waited for the cashier to walk around the end of the carousel and load her crap, which gave me the opportunity to look a little closer at her heavily-made-up face and notice that just above the botoxed lips was..... a MUSTACHE! Lawrd woman, I think the folks who poked and prodded you into your Barbie doll luster coulda handled that for you whilst they were pumping up your lips!