This Was Supposed to Be a Draft

And it posted anyway -- weird. So I'm updating it and making it make a little more sense to people besides me. Here goes:

During one of our neverendingfacultymeetings, they sent over all the insurance reps to tell us exactly how much more we will be paying in premiums next year. One of the plans had deductibles so high I told Felix you might as well die and use your life insurance to cover the funeral costs instead of shelling out money for the deductible and the other 20% it would cost to keep you alive.

Then on page 30something of the booklet it compares plans' costs of having a baby vs. a heart bypass vs. gall bladder surgery or some bull shi+. H3ll, f I found out I was having a baby at this point I would need the bypass, too! Felix was telling me to shut up at this point.

One more thing: There were numerous dress code violations on some of the little girls today, but the most memorable were the words on little girls shirt "If you've got the tricks, I've got the treats"
Not just inappropriate in its double-entendre, but the 5th grade boys would want to read with their finger to track under the words. Or ask for a colored overlay if they were dyslexic and then want to hold the overlay over the words by themselves.

Age Discrimination

So PseudoGrandUrchin/Howler Monkey #1 (TheDivaMonster) is turning 3 tomorrow and we are having birthday dinner and cupcakes tonight at our house. Sitting around and wearing tiaras cuz she wants a princess birthday. H3ll, Ill take any excuse to wear a tiara.

2 incidents of particular note have occurred: PseudoGrandUrchin/Howler Monkey #2 (1 year old - Snotface) ate 2 chocolate cupcakes and proceeded to jump on the trampoline. Ralphed them both up and then went back to playing. Also, TheDivaMonster tried on her new little princess tutu and was walking around lifting it up and showing her shorts underneath.

Why is it when little kids throw up and lift their skirts everyone says they are adorable but when I do it everyone says I'm drunk?

Double Cross

How did I manage to find the church that has the biggest bucket o' crazy that Mullet County has to offer? If you remember a couple of weeks ago, the MusicMan "called me out" about my music/hymn opinions in front of the congregation during the service. After a couple of weeks of cooling-off period (I think I understand handgun laws a little more, now) and some soul-searching, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, suck it up and put on my big girl panties and go back to church to let it all go. Forgive and forget and all that.

Fast forward to yesterday - Easter Sunday. Easter was always a big deal since I was little with the whole new dress thing and all thanks to my grandma, so I was excited. What better day to make my comeback appearance? It would give me a chance to wear my new Lilly Pulitzer bargain dress. I probably should note here that I am usually the ONLY one who ever wears a dress to church. The rest all wear pants or jeans. Which makes what transpired even all the more insane.

And then Deuce and I decided that we should wear hats to church. We set out shopping for her and Heathen an Easter bonnet (I already had plans to wear my straw boater with a pink ribbon). Once we had that done, I felt a little better about going back. I had a bit of tossing and turning with the anticipation of what I would say to MusicMan, but I felt like it was time for me to deal with it. So. We go to church and MusicMan is not there. I relaxed a bit - and let my guard down - like a FOOL.

All was going well, I was glad to be back. Believe it or not, y'all I actually LIKE church - or at least I used to. About 15 minutes before the service was over, Deuce took Heathen and Snotface outside, and Heathen left her little hat in the pew. (This is important for later)

We were literally 10 minutes from it all being over and me escaping an entire church service unscathed and thus restoring my faith in the ability to attend a house of worship without being slammed in front of everyone. And then it happened again. This time by the preacher. He went into his Easter message and as he started to wind down and wrap it up, he talked about remembering the true meaning of Easter, it's not all baskets and eggs... Then he went on about how his kids never had the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus because they wanted them to know the TRUTH, etc. etc. etc. He said "you ladies look very nice in your hats but you should not be following the ways of the world and celebrating with your Easter bonnets either." Yes. Dissing me in front of everyone - over a hat.

At that moment I will have to say that I was extremely proud of my reaction. I didn't sit there all lady-like and nod sheepishly, and I didn't swallow hard and remove my hat to appease him. Somewhere in the course of the past few weeks, I got ballsy and bitchy enough that I didn't care WHERE I was, I was going to really stand up for myself. It was one of those dramatic moments like in a movie, you know, what you always later WISH you had done but were too chicken-shi+ to do or didn't think of doing at the time. I shot MyPoolBoy a "I-can't-believe-this-just-happened-AGAIN" look, snapped my Bible shut, stood up, walked to the aisle, picked up the hat that Heathen left in her pew, and WALKED OUT OF CHURCH!

I guess I'm going to h3ll, people. Over hats.

The Eyes Have It

There is a little chicky in line at the bakery this morning and I think she should sue whoever did the unfortunate tweezing or waxing on her eyebrows. They are severely PLUCKED UP.

Let's just say that they are angular enough to be used as a referential teaching tool for the Pythagorean theorem.

I'm not nice. I know. And I've even had coffee!

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I Love a Parade

So. The county seat of Mullet County is having a big festival this weekend and one of the attractions is a pet parade for the kids. The premise is that the kiddos dress their poor unsuspecting furry family members in a ridiculous costume of some sort and march them down through the town square on a leash for the joyous opportunity to be admired/humiliated by the masses that gather along the streets.

Please note that I am not even going to address the concept of dressing up a cat for such an event. Cats are smarter and have enough sense to know when their humans are trying to cause them undue embarrassment. I know of not one single person who has ever successfully decorated a cat in any manner and survived the ordeal without a trip to the minor emergency for severe lacerations and several rounds of antibiotics.

Now I know some people claim their dogs "like it"when they get all gussied up with painted toenails and bows and doggy sweaters, but not so with our little Weezie. Here's the thing... not only does she detest having you touch her paws - she is exceptionally freakazoid when it comes to her toenails. We can hardly trim them, much less paint them. We got one of those doggy dremel kinds of nail-filing thingys for her so she runs when she even hears the blender now cuz she thinks its someone after her toenails. And dressing her up is out of the question as well. MonsterInLaw gave us some old poodle sweaters (now we've resorted to hand me downs for the dog, no less) and when you put them on Weasel she lays down on her back with all 4 legs in the air as if she has died and is awaiting someone to place a lily upon her chest.

So - no pet parade for us... I can envision the Weeze with one toenail painted, frozen from whatever costume we place on her, laying on her back like a crack whore - legs in the air -- and us pulling the leash just dragging her down the road.

Help - I've Fallen

So I FELL OUT OF BED after drinking too much red wine Saturday night. MyPoolBoy laughed at me (because that is how he demonstrates his dire concern for my safety and well-being) and then asked me if I fell.

He says that I pulled my hands and head up over the edge of the mattress a la Kilroy Was Here, and replied "yep." Then he asked if I was ok. "Yep." Finally, he wanted to know if I needed any help - "nope." So he let me crawl my way back into the bed and like the true loving man that he is... grabbed the back of the t-shirt I was sleeping in to keep me from doing it again!

More Powerful Than a Speeding Bullet

Bulletproof weave. I feel much safer with my extensions in...
Attractive, yet functional.

Edited to add: Felix offered to shoot me in the head to see if it works - I better get some Kevlar extensions and a LOT more vodka before we try it

To the Curb

Seriously. Driving home from school today, I pass a house that has its trash set at the curb and beside the dumpster is a myriad of boxes and crates with mens' shoes, boots, clothes, etc. in them.

Now. It COULD be that someone cleaned out their closet, or that someone died.... but my first thought was that someone got kicked out!!!!!!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Yes, I'm a Little Bit Evil

Played an unusually hilarious and semi-elaborate April Fools' Day prank on our principal today. Got law enforcement and central office personnel involved, even. Can't really say too much else except that we are MEAN.

I was the soul who was brave enough to go to c/o and ask for them to play along. Was told that I have no fear, do I?

Nope, it's more like I have no shame.

Also remarked during a grade-level meeting today that we could get rid of a body out front where they demo'd the old building because there's a big ol' hole out there. Everyone is agreeing and thinking of other holes around the creek, etc. that we could use for body disposal. I stopped them. No. Y'all don't get it -- they are going to PAVE over that hole out there....

The assistant principal said that I scare her.

Gone to the Dogs

Here are the results of a Facebook quiz I took a little while ago. This explains a lot:

WTP completed the quiz "If You Were A Dog, What Dog Would You Be..." with the result Jack Russell.
You are extremely hyper and always running around. Your friends adore you, but at the same time, if they get too much of you they will become very irritated. . Take the quiz! about a minute ago · Comment · LikeUnlike · Take the quiz! · Create a Quiz.

My Comments: I am MOLLY! I am Felix's Killer Ear-Eating dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Waxing Poetic (or at least waxing my legs)

Apple martinis sometimes can be the catalyst for the BEST ideas! So. I have decided that I need to wax my legs, but I have never been one to go to salons for anything except an occasional pedicure and pretty much have always bought strips at Wally World and be my own beauty operator when it comes to depilatory services.

I was sitting here this afternoon thinking I MIGHT could use duct tape to achieve my goal (remember, y'all there is vodka involved here!) So I decided that I would log my progress, conclusions, and findings here for all of you to use for future reference (or for me to use for future reference in case I sober up and need to remember what the h3ll happened to my legs).

Trial #1

Preparatory Step 1.1: Mix apple martini using a formula of 2 parts appletini mix to 1 part vodka. Drink an entire glass to achieve desired buzz effect that provides my brain with enough lubricant to come up with a brilliant idea such as this. Kill enough brain cells to decrease my genius IQ down to average so that I can't tell myself that it is, in fact, NOT a brilliant idea.

Preparatory Step 1.2: Acquire duct tape. Not an easy feat, since it is used A LOT around here due to the fact that not only is WTP white trash, but almost every male in the kingdom is also genetically white trash by at least 50% on a Punnett square. Discover duct tape in Lurch's room - probably left over from prom (duct tape tuxedo). Hopefully has not been used in any major crimes that would necessitate its confiscation by law enforcement thereby making me a wrongfully accused suspect through fingerprinting process.

Preparatory Step 1.3: Insert outdoor speaker jack into headphone hole (what the h3ll do you call that little hole???) and blast Rick Springfield loud enough to sufficiently to cover any anticipated screams and/or expletives that would cause the neighbors to think that domestic violence was taking place.

Preparatory Step 1.4: Log in to blog (You are HERE .) and begin process of explaining my intentions for the experiment. Hyposthesis: Duct tape, long known to have a million and one household uses, will now be able to tout the existence of the million and twoth household use -- hair removal. (I KNOW that twoth is not a real word but it sounds so goshdarn funny!)

Preparatory Step 1.5: Refill martini glass. Dayum! Did I already finish one? Constant in this concoction is the 1 part vodka. Change the amount of appletini mix to a variable of 1 part instead of 2.

Procedural Step 1.1: (finally!) Tear off a strip of duct tape measuring approximately 8 inches in length - does anyone know what that converts to in centimeters for the European readers to grasp this concept?

Procedural Step 1.2: Apply strip of duct tape in the direction of hair growth (I should write directions for personal care products, shouldn't I?).

Procedural Step 1.3: Take a deep breath. No. Seriously. Take a really deep mutha-effing breath.

Procedural Step 1.4: Pull tape quickly in opposite direction of hair growth.

Data Findings 1: Nothing. Tape didn't really stick for shi+ and forget pulling any hair off.

Conclusion 1: I forgot that I put lotion on my legs this morning. Will need to wash said lotion from my skin and refill my martini glass before proceeding any further.

Trial #2

Procedural Step 2.1: Go back inside to make another apple martini using the previous measure of 1 part appletini mix to 1-ish parts vodka. Answer MyPoolBoy's question of what the h3ll am I doing. Ignore his eye roll. Use the excursion inside to also procure a wet washcloth to wipe the lotion from my legs. (Hey, at least I remember what I was going inside for in the first place!)

Procedural Step 2.2: Wipe down legs with washcloth, taking care to remove all traces of aforementioned lotion from my legs. Remark to the cat that this sumbi+ch is sure cold since I let it set while I was typing on my blog.

Procedural Step 2.3: Wait for moisture on my legs to dry since I still have enough of my mental faculties to realize that if the duct tape wouldn't stick to lotioned legs, it sure as shi+ won't stick to wet legs. Drink a little more appletini. Remark to no one in particular that I need a pedicure.

Procedural Step 2.4: Repeat Procedural Steps 1.1, 1.2, 1.3, and 1.4.

Procedural Step 2.5: Yell motherf*&#$er as quietly as you can.

Data Findings 2: Success! A noticeable amount of hair was ripped from the delicate follicles of my legs and retained on the adhesive side of the tape. Note that a relatively miniscule amount of epithelial cells were removed in the process. Run into the house and yell at MyPoolBoy to get the camera. (Photos may be posted later. Or they may not be posted later. Who knows?)

Conclusion: Duct tape does, in fact, have a million and TWO household uses. Consider using duct tape to do a bikini wax. Scold myself for being so inebriated that I would consider such a thing. Allow some of the other voices in my head to scold me for not being inebriated enough to give it a try (chicken! Shut up you sadist! Oh yeah- if I'm a sadist - that'll make you a masochist!)

Postliminary Summation: Decide to screw it and go back inside to get another appletini, leaving legs only partially hair-free.

Cleavage

MyPoolBoy just got caught trying to throw sticks, leaves, rocks, etc. down my shirt.

Evidently he is under the mistaken impression that God put breasts on me for target practice. I told him that I COULD start going bra-less and therefore cause him to lower his aim -- like about waist-high or so.

How to Howl for Cheap

The Lucilles had wanted to resurrect our traditional pilgrimage to Howl at the Moon in San Antonio after TAKS was over this year. Unfortunately, scheduling for a weekend that we can get hotel vacancies is a nightmare because about 1/2 of us have something conflicting on every date that we have picked thus far. So we were talking and came to the conclusion that tonight would be the only feasible time that we could swing it.

On such short notice, though, we cannot get a hotel room -- then we figured we could crash at TrailerTrash's parents house, who live north of town. Alas, this is quite a trek from Howl at the Moon and as difficult as it is to drunkly stumble a few blocks back to the hotel and successfully harass firemen at the firehouse on the corner, there is absolutely no way we could walk (stumble) to TrailerTrash's parents - even sober.

A cab ride would be expensive and would necessitate dipping into the beer money - so that idea was immediately out. What we needed was a designated driver. And there were no volunteers to stay sober -- surprise surprise surprise.

Then it came to me - we could have one of the pregnant staff members do the driving... they cannot drink and thus would be forced to be the designated driver for obvious medical reasons. Since neither of them are Lucilles (or even Ethels), it would be necessary for us to stoop to the all-time low of kidnapping one of them with some kind of makeshift weapon... probably random construction debris of some sort that still litters the playground at school. How to hold them hostage for the remainder of the evening is the only fly in the ointment. Because if they escaped and left us in the lurch we would have no one to drive us AND no one to scrape up bail money if necessary.

Dayum. Plan thwarted.

Tan Your Hide

Thunderduck is working for a collection agency (a real one - no knee-cap breaking shi+, disappointing I know). One of the places he has to do calls for is a tanning salon. He just informed me that the tanning booths are frying the girls brains.

Deuce retorted that its not much of a stretch for them to get naked and lay on their back for 20 minutes so what was he so upset about?
BWAHAHAHAHA!

Octomom

What a backhand that doc has!
Jimmy Kimmel Live - made me snort my Aquafina.

Jerk

So. MyPoolBoy emailed me and asked how I thought Jamaican jerk barbecued ribs with mango-cilantro relish and Zatarains Red Beans & Rice sounded for dinner.

Seriously? WTF?

I emailed him back and asked him if he was aware that kidnapping Emeril would be a felony.

He replied that he got the recipe from Bobby Flay's website.

I told him he was a liar. It had to be Paula Deen or some shi+ like that - Mango-cilantro relish is not a man-word.

I'm still going to get jerk barbecue ribs for dinner tonight, though! A man that is cute AND that can cook! I loves me some PoolBoy!

Holy Moly

It takes a special kind of bi+ch to get pi$$ed off at church. I, my friends, am just such a bi+ch.

To quote Gladys off of the Ellen Show - "I love Jesus, but I drink a little" -- so admittedly I am not a perfect Christian, but it is purely by choice.


Here's the scenario -- we go to a really small church (by small I mean that my family with all my kids and their wives/girlfriends/girlfriends' kids make up over half the congregation). The music minister guy is from California and a really nice guy in an irritating holy-roller sort of way. The past few weeks he and the pastor (who is from North Dakota - so he's a Yankee, but I think God lets that slide) have been asking if there were any particular songs we would like to be singing during the service. And they kept asking and they kept asking and they kept asking. So finally I relented (like a fool) and mentioned to the pastor that I grew up with a lot of the old southern small town Baptist hymns like Old Rugged Cross, Amazing Grace, etc. (you know, pretty much anything off of an Elvis gospel album) and told them I would like to have one of those to sing once in a while. Well last week - the music minister guy was out of town and the pastor chose some music for us to sing that were "old hymns" to him. After the service he pulled me aside and asked if any of the songs he sang were ones that I was familiar with - I honestly told him that I didn't know any of them... maybe it was a regional thing and that us Southern Baptists just had way different stand-bys when it came to church songs.

So last week during the week MyPoolBoy gets a phone call from the pastor, then one from the MusicMan - who told MyPoolBoy that his "eyes had been opened" after he talked to the pastor, then the pastor comes OVER on Friday night to talk to him about what exactly kind of music I liked. At this point I'm telling MyPoolBoy that they are like 2 old women and if they don't have anything better to do except worry about what songs to sing on Sunday to appease me I could tell them plenty of other REAL problems that I have that they could be praying for to take their mind off of the music controversy. I don't know what the two of them were saying to each other to get each other so worked up, but I really didn't care and they were making a gigantic deal out of something really nitpicky and stupid.

So today we go to church -- last day of spring break -- getting ready to wind down before we start the downhill slide for the rest of the year. And the music service started and smack in the middle of all the other songs was "In the Garden." I'm thinking - cool. That'll hold me for a couple of weeks, maybe everybody is finally getting it, and they'll leave me alone.

no.

not at all.

Because obviously MusicMan doesn't respect the dead and he was going to beat a dead horse right there in God's house.

Service goes on -- and at the end the pastor usually opens up for praise or discussion or testimony before we all go home. MusicMan starts to tell about blessings he's received from some people when he lived in California for his music ministry there, and then he launches into how he knows his ministry can bless people no matter what songs he chooses to sing and that people need to open their hearts to a more "normal" way of worship, don't worry about the King James version, "thys and thous don't make it holy" blah blah blah. (Never mind that the people who spoke with thys and thous were the very people that came and founded this whole crazy idea of freedom of worship in this country 400 years ago so that HE would have the right to sing whatever he wanted) It was like he was peeing on the music portion of the service so that his territory was clearly marked. Everyone knew who he was talking to - I DID defend myself a little, just commenting that some of the older hymns are almost poetic - like the Psalms - and there is a traditional, historical value to them. That was about the end of it, then they did the service dismissal and I left VERY quickly.

Thunderduck noted that I was out the door and sitting in the truck yelling at no one before my seat in the pew had even gotten cool.

Here is where it is a good thing that we are Baptists and there is not any communion wine anywhere near me during worship-time (considering that I am a major lightweight and even a sip of alcohol puts my mouth in gear) because I did NOT:

*Stand up on the pew and tell him to Eff off
*Bi+ch slap him
*Throw a hymnal at him and tell him to pick a song and shut up
*Light the wooden cross in the churchyard on fire in an attempt to scare his hippie a$$ back to California
*Draw a line through the middle of the sanctuary for North vs. South so the yankees could have the front half with the musical instruments and sound system and us southerners could claim the back half of the pews so we can sit in the last row like good Baptists
*Toilet paper his house - yet (I'm thinking I could write the lyrics to a lot of songs/hymns on the paper before I wrap his house and he could learn them as he cleans it all up)

Thunderduck's girlfriend said later at lunch (right after I asked the waitress if she could bring me vodka straight up in a Mason jar) that she couldn't believe that he would poke a stick at the beehive like that (meaning our family - since we ARE about half of the congregation) - and for SURE couldn't believe he was stupid enough to poke at the QUEEN BEE.

(Sidenote: I'm thinking of calling her Deuce - as in 2 - cuz her nickname is the same as MyPoolBoy's name and if she and Thunderduck get married there will be two of them with the same name).

Thunderduck said I am the alpha male of the family and we could pay him a visit later - in the Sopranos sort of way, not in the Welcome Wagon with the iconic Protestant casserole dish in hand sort of way... unless I was gonna knock him upside the head with said casserole dish.

Corningware - the southern Baptist lady's weapon of choice.

Just Dessert

people.

Did you know this absolutely perfect food of the gods existed? What rock have I been under? Why was I not informed sooner?

Philadelphia Ready To Eat Cheesecake Filling - Review of Philadelphia Ready To Eat Cheesecake Filling

And so in this review this WOMAN (I know, a WOMAN, knocking cheesecake - is she a commie? or worse, a yankee?) tries to deter me from eating it by proclaiming it to be a "saturated fat nightmare"
SOLD!
She goes on to add that without the crust there are xyz # of calories and grams of fat -- who gives a shi+ lady? There is no need for a crust to be involved at all - me, the cheesecake filling, and the spoon - I'm a purist.

Vroooom Vroooom

MyPoolBoy is looking at some motorcycle restoration website thing so he can figure out what he wants to do with his "investment" that is blocking my car from parking all the way into the driveway.

He just said: "hey, this guy has his parked in his living room"

And I said: "he is obviously not married -- or he is not married... anymore"

Catastrophe Part II

Too much vodka - I'm seeing stuff that I shouldn't.

My warped little brain just realized that catastrophe could also be spelled "cat a$$ trophy"

So... if you have a really nice cat a$$ you could win this little prize.

Cat-astrophe

Donster Monster (my Donny cat) has had quite a spring break. His sorry a$$ came dragging up this morning after a 3-day disappearance looking like a celebrity mugshot of Nick Nolte or Courtney Love. I hope whatever it was he was doing was as much fun as his current condition seems to suggest.

This is the type of Spring Break I aspire to have someday.

All I've really accomplished in the last 3 days is to spray paint all of my office supplies Krylon Ballet Pink. Do not - I repeat - do NOT let me near any of the following if vodka or tequila has passed my lips within a 3 hour time frame:

spray paint
rhinestones
sequins
feathers
hot glue
super glue
Gorilla glue
pink stuff

PS - I wanted to title this entry "My Poor Pussy" but MyPoolBoy thought it would be too controversial since the post titles come up on Facebook and Google and whatnot. Because, you know, all my friends think that I'm all chaste and pure and shi+.

BY THE WAY: Did you know that according to Google Analytics the 3rd most popular keyword used by people who have found my blog through a search is with the term "Hand Fart?" -- I'm pretty impressed.

My Life in Song

So here's this facebook quiz thing-y. You're supposed to choose your favorite band or artist and then answer all the questions with a song title from that band/artist.

This should prove to be redundant as h3ll.

Pick a band/artist:
Rick Springfield (try to contain your absolute shock, people)

1. Are you male or female:
Jessie's Girl

2. Describe yourself:
I Get Excited (or Jessie's Girl)

3. How do you feel about yourself:
Wasted

4. Describe your last serious relationship:
I've Done Everything for You (BWAHAHAHA! - not really, how about, oh, I dunno.... Jessie's Girl!)

5. Describe your current boy/girl situation:
Affair of the Heart (or Jessie's Girl!)

6. Describe your current location:
State of the Heart

7. Describe where you want to be:
Perfect (or Jessie's Girl)

8. Your best friend is:
Everybody's Girl (HAHAHA - Felix!!!!!)
Jessie's Girl (MyPoolBoy)

9. Your favorite color is:
Hey Pinky (ok, technically this was from way back when he was in Zoot)

10. You know that:
You better Love Somebody

11. What’s the weather like:
It's Always Something

12. If your life was a television show what would it be called?
One Passenger or Jessie's Girl

so... let's recap with a visual aid:

You Had Me at Sequins and Beads

MyPoolBoy is reading out the garage sale ads to me as we plan the rest of our Saturday morning. He just announced that he found the perfect one to go to -- fabric, sewing notions, SEQUINS AND BEADS, household items...blah blah blah .... something something.... he lost me after that -- must go buy shiny things....

I told him he had me at sequins and beads!

Let Them Eat Cake

Sitting at the bakery for my Saturday morning coffee with MyPoolBoy and there is a group of wedding cake tasters at the table near us. The mother of the groom, mother of the bride, maid of honor, bride and groom. Lots of discussion and input from everyone... except the groom. They're throwing around phrases like guest servings, fondant, fuschia... he's completely confused.

So he's reading the paper. BWAHAHAHAHAHA! They got him up at 8:30 on a Saturday to come downtown and read the paper! Poor guy.

Bless his heart. You should have seen his little face light up when they brought out the groom's cake samples. They "let" him take the first taste!

Friday the 13th

Funny but sad.

So. I was on the bus today on the way to our field trip today and I commented to the kids that it was Friday the 13th.

Then I looked up and I saw that I was sitting in seat #13 on the bus.

THEN I realized that the kid in the seat next to me was named Damian.

I know.

*** insert creepyspookyscary Toccata and Fugue music here***

So I added these observations to my comments to the kids. And Damian says"Oh wow! The 13th!" And I said I KNOW... and I'm thinking - hey, he gets it!

... and he goes "Yea! My mom gets her foodstamps today!"

no. he doesn't get it. he doesn't get it at all.

A bit later I came to the conclusion that if I ever go to prison, I need LittleBushDeer (BagLady) and Felix's students to come with me to smuggle stuff. On the bus to the field trip I confiscated:
*a fist-sized rock with purple crystals growing all over the top
*the metal buckle off of a seat belt
*something else... not near as impressive as the rock or the buckle so it has slipped my mind

I also facilitated the disposal of a packet of mustard that had been launched through some means of propulsion (plastic spork catapult, I think)

LittleBush Deer had this collection-o-crap in her purse to haul around the whole time we were gone -- but I'm thinking these little sneaks will make great prison shiv mules.

One bright side-note: I cleaned dog-sh1t off of not one single kid on this field trip. yeah. That's how I measure my success in educating students.

oh.... it's feathers

So I'm continuing my neverending quest for a flamingo tiara and I run a pink tiara search thread for grins... and I get this:







(orientaltrading.com)

And I'm thinking My Gawd! Sweet 16 and pub1c hair along the bottom edge wtf?

But then I clicked and looked and it was purple feathers.

ANYWAY - MyPoolBoy and I went out to eat tonight for his birthday and this poor little waitress tells us it's her first week she is waiting on us and one other table - the one behind us. In comes this flake who orders a Caesar salad with no dressing except Ranch on the side. yes. A Caesar salad with no dressing except Ranch on the side.

As long as I live in Mullet County I will never be at a loss of people to laugh at.

It's Like Camp....

So. I am reading my Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills General Test Administrator's Manual and I have decided that it can be included on the list of things that are Freakin Hilarious after an 18 pack (or in my case, 3 glasses of wine from my adult Capri Sun box). Our TAKS-stress release/celebrations need to be scheduled BEFORE TAKS next year because we could sit and drink and read this sumbi+ch the weekend before TAKS and have a grand ol' time!

I, of course, felt obliged to text the rest of my grade level and share this important revelation.

First of all, it is arranged into sections labeled Activity 1, Activity 2, etc. and at first I was all - oh, like centers or stations in class - but then I decided NO it was more like camp activities and our "campus testing coordinators" are supposed to be like the counselors or something. So I am at page 70something and am about to go to the Appendices section. And I'm thinking ok, this is the part of camp where you sneak off behind the mess hall in the woods with that really cute guy you met during Activities time and make out. (MyPoolBoy is on red-alert)

Then I drunk-dialed my stepmother who teaches sped and started reading some stuff to her and DYING laughing about how the #2 pencils would be issued to us by the camp counselors (testing coordinators)... I was all: so, is this so we won't give them a pencil with the multiplication charts on them or something or does the pencil we are being issued have special lead that has been shi+ by lord god king Rick Perry himself? Also, we decided that NO toilet paper can be used during the breaks (which, by the way are NOT mandatory so if we feel like not letting the kids go to the bathroom at any point during the testing day, we have that discretion left to our own sick twisted sense of humor, ooops, I mean judgment). The reason for the no t.p? It could be considered SCRATCH PAPER which is NOT allowed. Also, females administering the TAKS test probably should be issued duct tape to tape down our breasts because if you are an A cup that could be construed as answer choice A for some of the questions. If you are a B cup you are giving away all the answer B choices, etc. We don't know what they would do for the male teachers. HOWEVER, we could all stuff our bras with the unusable toilet paper so that we will be the same size across the state.

Anyway, she tells me how they have this kid who is considered ED (emotionally disturbed) because he whips it out at inappropriate times (read: constantly). So then MyPoolBoy says: he can't do that because it would be considered a measurement device that is not standardized like the state-issued mathematics chart. BUT! If you classify it as a MANIPULATIVE (since it is something that he uses regularly in class) then it will be an allowable accommodation!

Oh, and the manual says that we may not instruct the students to speed up or slow down while they are taking the test but it says absolutely nothing about KICKING them to make them speed up or slow down.

Alright - I made it to the Appendices section. I'm gonna finish this and go to bed.

Edited to add: I was gonna email this post to the Lucilles but that dayum squiggly word captcha thing came up and do you know how absolutley CRUEL it is to do that to a drunk person?

Get the Restraining Order, Rick!

I just took the "name that Rick Springfield song" quiz on Facebook.


I made 100% in 20 seconds.

This Is Why You're Fat

This is why you're fat.

Wow. Bacon wrapped mozzarella sticks.

Wagons Ho!

I got a desperately needed laugh today courtesy of the students. I had them on the computers on a pioneer webquest site that helped them know how much all their stuff that they were packing in their wagons would weigh. The goal was to keep it all under 2000 pounds. About 15 minutes in, one of the groups realized that they should have been scrolling down to find some of the other supplies like tools and first aid kits. One group read it out loud and they overheard it... and then started:

"First aid kit? Where's the first aid kit? Scroll down! Scroll down!"
"There it is!"
"Awwww, man! It weighs three pounds - we already have our wagon full."
"So take something off..."

"Get rid of the Bible!"

So later on they dump some more stuff and one of the kids wants to put the Bible back on the list for the wagon, and THIS conversation happened:

"We don't NEED the Bible - what do you think they needed a Bible for?"
"In case they got bored on the trail, this would give them something to do..."

"Oh yeah, like they couldn't just pray if they needed to (and here she put her hand on her hip and started the neck rolling business) - 'Please God help us survive our trip to Oregon.'"

I'm figuring this might be how the Mormons ended up with different Bibles than the rest of us...somebody chucked theirs off their wagons on the way to Utah and they had to start over writing it when they got there!

Sham - Wow Video

Sham - Effing - Wow.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

I needed a laugh. School sux.

Please, just stop that incessant - BREATHING

So I had a completely exhausting and frustrating day thanks to the continued ineptitude of our spec ed folks. One of them scheduled a conference with one of the parents at the same time that I had an ARD with the other one for a different student. So apparently now they are not only not communicating adequately with me, but they have digressed into not even communicating with each other. Needless to say it was a HUGE inconvenience for me, but I don't think it ever dawned on them.

And now, I have decided that I cannot put up with any other human being on the entire planet. None of them. And MyPoolBoy is sitting next to me eating dinner. And he is making sounds while he eats. And he has the nerve to be BREATHING. And he is making sounds when he breathes. STOP BREATHING BEFORE I MAKE YOU STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not in the mood to put up with his gawdforsaken BREATHING. Perhaps he will choke on his dinner. Aw hayul no, that would make noises too!

Thank God I still have valentine candy left over. And there are diet-killing chocolate cookies that Lurch brought home from the bakery. And wine.

Movie Night

I have long been a fan of Mystery Science Theater (the movie and the series, until it jumped the shark with its stupid sub-plots) Here's Mike and the crew doing what they do best and proving why I love them in the first place: making fun of movies. Saves me money on vodka and the trouble of having to come up with witty smart-a$$ comments all by myself. MyPoolBoy is more tolerant of them than he is of me.

Click on the preview link for the movie of your choice, when it's done hit the escape key to go back to the page again.

RiffTraxx

Get Down

Last night we were on the deck of our local hangout and PreFriend came up to have a beer with us. DrunkenFelix had called her to come check out some guy that we, as true friends, were going to "help" her pick up. On my way to the men's room, I opened the conversation with a comment on the smell of the candle burning inside the bar... it smelled like syrup. He said it reminded him of a Denny's and I retorted that it was more like a Waffle House. PreFriend was not entirely impressed - she said he looked too preppy for her. Then Felix reminded her that the guy she had given her phone number to on the night she fell on Main Street was at the table across from us. PreFriend was unconvinced. She said I don' know what you thought you saw that night, but NO. I proceeded to lay on the deck and tell her that from THAT angle (flat on your @ss with beer goggles) he looked perfectly datable!

Put That in Your Pipe

thud


Oh, oops my head hit the table when I saw this. Organic tobacco. I guess now that it's all-natural it is good for me. I can take up smoking now!

Grin and Bear It

They've been advertising on the Discovery Channel about that survivor guy rinsing off and eating bear shi+ in the newest episode.

MyPoolBoy is even grossing out.
But I said it is better to eat bear shi+ than to BE bear shi+ like the guy from that grizzly documentary.

And now he's trying to get down into a canyon and he said that he needed to find something to help him get down quickly. Ummmmm.... gravity????? That'd be pretty quick.

I Cannot Believe What I Just Effin' Heard

I am at the bakery having my ritual Saturday a.m. breakfast and Lurch is at the counter waiting on this non-blonde blonde.

HAND TO GOD she just asked if they have any Rice Kripsie Treats. WTF?????????? Peroxide Poisoning.

Chick. Did you miss the part in the commercial where the lady PUT the flour on her face? It was all a big Hollywood smoke and mirrors trick. You know, like special effects and shi+. You really can make your own Rice Krispie treats at home with minimal effort.

So. I am dying laughing and MyPoolBoy is unsuccessfully trying desperately to keep me contained. I at least waited until she went into the restroom before I busted out in uncontrollable fits of snorting. That, I think is demonstrative of remarkable restraint.

VD

Valentine's Day - you people! I've done this twice now....

Actually, this year I do have a std comment:

Mono - the herpes of the middle school set.

So, I woke up in fine form this morning, and sans vodka, I have been rather mouthy and HILARIOUS to ME -- MyPoolBoy does not appreciate my random tidbits of humor as much as I do. Told Lurch he should keep a tally chart in the back of the bakery to see how many of the last minute purchases are made by men vs. women. Also referred to the "Ethels" of the "Lucille" posse as "underlings." (MyPoolBoy DID laugh at that one)

Here's what caused the biggest eyeroll of the morning:

It hit me that this song has a bit of a pedophilic aura about it, simply because of the way that Conway Twitty's voice sounds so old-mannish to me and his alcoholic psuedo-Elvis slur to his words is reminiscent of some old octogenarian who has left his dentures on the nightstand back at the home. If Conway was comin' at ya with the DT's it would almost look like he was palsied.

"Come here darlin, let me kiss you..." BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who Nose

One of our aides comes in my class to help with science at 12:30. Today we were walking around the room helping kids and she pulled me aside with this keen observation: You have more nose-pickers in your class than any other class I go into.

To which I replied: You know, we just had lunch... I can't imagine that they still feel hungry enough to have the need to do that!

Man TV

Since I got home at 6pm, MyPoolBoy has had the tv tuned to a Rambo marathon. Chunk came in to say goodnight and asked what we were watching.
MyPoolBoy: Rambo
Chunk: 1? 2?
Me: Does it matter?

Goodnight,y'all. It's all I can take.

Shhhhhhhhh

We made it through the big 5-0 blow-out party for Baloney, complete with a huge red velvet penis cake. (Don't mess with us, we will get you back with illicitly-shaped baked goods...You thought the Uterus Cake was bad?) We sliced it with a meat cleaver.

Some of the non-regular staff and faculty came, a tribute to what a true matriarch that Baloney is to our campus. She rates. One of the gals requested that although they would never be able to aspire to the position of Lucille, and there was a healthy respect for that, she DID want to be dubbed as an "Ethel" Ok, Ethel, Wish Granted. Please note that you will now be fair game for me to mention in my Blog and if you ever do anything embarrassing in front of me, then your name will be changed from Ethel to whatever embarrassing nickname I drunkenly decide to use in reference to you hereafter.

AND there was beer pong. AND one of the Ethels crawled on top of the beer pong table. AND...

We had a bonding adventure. All I'm gonna say is at least we didn't toilet paper anyone's house this time.

Friday Night

I am at DrunkenFelix's house with BagLady and SubFriend

Behavior is at an all-time low.

I have: cussed out the killer-ear-eating-dog, devised a plan to get a red dildo for Baloney for her 50th birthday, made fun of some Jay Leno story about some guy having oral sex with a raccoon (I don't know what happened- I think I have rabies, but the guy was wearing a mask!), accidentally locked myself in the bathroom, told DrunkenFelix to slow down her talking because I was A-effing-D-effing-D, and when I tried to open my box of wine SubFriend discovered that there was a bag inside and she told me that if I got a big long straw it would be like a Capri Sun for me, and we have decided to upgrade BagLady to BoneBagger - don't ask.

Ok, now BagLady/BoneBagger wants me to call her LittleBushDeer

Weird

Well, the Bloggess had this sent to her from YouTube's recommendations. Let me tell you this: If you are under the influence of pharmaceuticals of ANY KIND - even Flintstone vitamins - this will freak you out.

At the very least, now I want to go see what MY recommendations are!

And here I was thinking that all those stupid little middle schoolers who want to do trick bike riding crap all the time had no career futures.

For Thunderduck

Thunderduck has threatened multiple times that he wants to be Mr. Paula Deen and will happily leave any woman he is involved with for Paula.

Facebook 25 Things About Me Post

Rules:
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1. I eat M&Ms in a certain color order, from lightest shade to darkest. It messed me up when they started the blue ones. But they go last by default after the greens.

2. My #3 son got his job because I knew his boss. I met his boss because my best friend gave beer to his dog at a bar.

3. I know why there's a little piece of fat in pork and beans.

4. I really don't like video games.

5. I believe a dead person has come to me in a dream. Or my subconscious psychological manifestation of a dead person has come to me in a dream.

6. I have had impure thoughts about my husband while driving to work.

7. I've never had a hangover (unless you count the alcohol poisoning puking that DrunkenFelix caused me to have on my birthday last year)

8. I run to work 2 days a week.

9. I'm smart. Scary smart. It took me about 35 years to admit /embrace it. You wouldn't know it by looking at me, though.

10. I have won money playing poker after I drank 4 long island teas. (The men at the table were not happy because I was not being "serious" enough.)

11. I drunk-dialed my father once.

12. I married my high school sweetheart (the one that my friend said I would probably only date for 2 weeks!)

13. I use men's rooms if the ladies' room is occupied.

14. I teach TAKS test strategies to my students with dorky songs that I have written.

15. I coached high school 7-on-7 football one summer

16. I don't plan on tagging 25 people like this thing says.

17. I can still do the splits.

18. I made a whole class of 4th graders name some earthworms for an experiment and then had them test their worms by "calling" them to see if they would obey. I laughed a lot behind their backs that day. Kids are gullible. I'm evil.

19. Rick Springfield should have been the father of my children. Or Elvis. Elvis should have been the father of my children, too.

20. I'm a cat person - when the little tiny excuses for granddogs come to visit, they stay in the rabbit hutch.  That's where any future grandkids will stay, too.

21. I play beer pong in Fredrick's of Hollywood stilettos

22. I keep a rhinestone tiara and a rubber chicken in my purse.

23. I can say the alphabet backwards. Even better when I'm drunk.

24. My friends and I toilet papered our bosses' houses a couple of years ago.

25. I left my Christmas tree up until Easter one year.

Best Man Speech

Freaky Best Man Speech

Watch all the way to the end... it seems like just a really funny speech until about 3/4 of the way through.

Red Red Wine

New Yorker humor column - how scientists have discovered that an element in red wine seems to slow the aging process in mice.

Mouse au Vin

"...he collapses in a pool of laughter and urine"

Been there.

Eye Had a Happy Birthday

I am typing this on my new pink laptop that MyPoolBoy got me for my birthday. I also am looking forward to enjoying the pink gator skinned flask that Thunderduck and his new woman got me. We called it the "babysitter's cup" when her little girl asked what it was! BWHAHAHAHAHA! I also laughed at Bi+chslap and the girls for once again buying me duplicates of the same birthday card. Felix provided us with the much necessary turtle cheesecake for after lunch today.

But we had a good howl at lunch after Bi+chslap handed me a scratch-off lottery ticket. Since I had given them all prank tickets for Christmas, I had to first ask if it was fake. The answer was no, so I intently began to scratch my way to my white trash retirement fund. Alas, none of the little silvery gray squares held the key to my fortune forcing me to continue to work, but I did end up with a fabulous silvery gray colored fingertip for my efforts. Bi+chslap came back in the room about the time I discovered the news that my poverty would continue and she asked if I had won anything. I told her that no monetary gain was acquired but since I happened to realize that I had not put on any eyeshadow this morning, I believed that I HAD won some beautiful silvery gray eyeshadow - and I wiped my finger tip across my eyelids!

So if I catch some rare tropical lottery disease or contract pinkeye (or grayeye) - THAT's why!

So, just how old is the WTP you ask? I am 41-derful years old today. The way I look at it, I'm moving into the middle third of my life (cuz you know that my plan is to live to be 119 and then die in a freak roller derby incident). Therefore, I don't feel old at all, barely middle-aged. I told MyPoolBoy that I planned to have his head freeze-dried and kept alive in one of those big ol' pickle jars so I can carry it around and still talk to him and drive him insane after his body dies...and he would have no legs to be able to walk out of the room to ignore me!

Freakin Hilarious

One of my friends just sent me a message that said she was reading my blog after an 18-pack and thought that it was "freakin hilarious"

Here are some other things that I deem to be freakin hilarious after an 18 pack:

*The back of a box of HoHo's ("ha ha it says HO")
*your best friend falling down on Main Street in front of the police station
*World hunger
*ramen noodles
*menus
*songs on the jukebox
*songs you WISH were on the jukebox and decided to sing out loud for everyone else to enjoy
*going to the men's room
*ugly guys
*ugly girls
*mullets
*BagLady's straw trick
*ordering water at the bar
*watching your best friend drink water thinking it was beer
*smacking down stupid young chickie-poos on Fashion Wars on Facebook
*toilet papering your bosses' houses
*local lettuce
*propositioning your husband in front of your children to scar them for life
*blogging
*The Wall Street Journal

Weird Science

Flipping through channels we ran across some young scientist competition thing. One of the moms is watching her son get a medal and she's freaking out and saying that her heart is pounding out of her chest, etc.

Gawd! Imagine if he played a SPORT.

Evil Twin

So for the past 4 or 5 days I have been relentlessly trying to find the end of an "interview" on Facebook. It is now kind of my own personal mission/obsession to get to the last question on the dayum thing - I think I am on question 198 or so. The last one was pretty good. It said describe your evil twin.

Easy.

Like me, only nicer




My next mission will be to retake the quiz and answer every question with a line from a Rick Springfield song.

Anniversary Waltz

There was an article in the paper about a couple who had put up with each other for 70 years. So - happy anniversary to them - and there was a cute little picture of them dancing and whatnot. I told MyPoolBoy that was gonna be us except he'd probably be on oxygen and dragging around one of those tanks with a cord up his nose - and I might "accidentally" step on the cord while we were dancing and he'd be turning blue and gasping for air and then he'd probably die and I could collect the insurance money and go buy new stilettos for beer pong.

I Am Humbled

And in awe. This is the writer I want to be when I grow up.

The Bloggess

Click. Read. Laugh.

More from the Bobsled

The storyline makes the video a little long but the song is hilarious! At first I felt a little bad for laughing - but then I remembered that I am going to h3ll on a bobsled ANYWAY.

Please Drink Responsibly

I have decided that this is not so much an admonition as it is an invitation.

So, now I feel obliged to have a glass of wine! Hey, they said "please!"

Died Laughing

That is what the coroner will report as my cause of death. I have the link to the original Amazon.com review, but I plan on saving the text in a draft to possibly put on here later because I am sure that this sucker will get yanked.

You might also want to read the responses to the review that appear below it (they go on for pages, but some are worth the scrolling and clicking).

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO READ WITH A FULL BLADDER!

Secret Review

I Inspire Youngsters

My niece (the Oreo-champagne dunker) on Christmas morning at my dad's house - note the pink monkey pj's, plastic high-heels and camouflage compound bow - true to her redneck-whitetrash-form that she has learned from her favorite Tia.

What you don't see is my dad's poor dog that has hauled a$$ out the open door behind her to have itself a merry little nervous breakdown.

Child Abuse

Lisa Bonet has named her child Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. The father is Hawaiian or something so part of the name is his middle name and that part of the name means strong warrior or some BS.

But you really should see BannedCamp having a field day with it. The website that they found the report on stated that it sounded more like a voodoo curse that some old woman chanted while she stuck pins in a doll. But one of the gals just imparted wisdom upon me that will stick: that the guy is 12 years younger than Lisa Bonet and she definitely "cougared UP"

Cougared up - this I can use

Vocab

Today Felix gives me and Baloney an update on the latest math findings from some meeting that she had to go to. She told us that they have put "minuend" and "subtrahend" on the 2nd grade math vocab list according to the CRAP-SCOPE curriculum and that those terms do not appear in the 3rd grade list. I asked her if those terms ever came up in her math-major college course-work.

Of COURSE NOT - not much - but she responded that maybe they thought that just because you didn't regularly use a term didn't mean you shouldn't let the kids be exposed to it.

I said well, so top number and bottom number won't do anymore?

She said, yeah, something like that, she guessed.

I told her bullshi+ because why say "penis" when "d1ck" expresses the exact same meaning?

And "entomophagous" is a word - you just don't go around using it in everyday conversation.

Edited to add: ok - good Lord! It means you eat insects.

Hores

Not one of my little darlings, but please note that it WAS written by a 3rd grader.

Ninja Death Liquor

Coined this phrase in honor of three fabulous concoctions that we have been enjoying:

1) BananaRamaShi+ (like Banana Laffy Taffy in a glass)
2) Lavender Margaritas (like a melted grape Otter Pop)
and
3) Apple Martini (like a liquid sour apple Jolly Rancher)

So deemed to be Ninja Death Liquors because they will get you when you least expect it and you won't see it coming!

Alcohol is a cough suppressant. And a fertility drug. Gotta be careful.

Two-berculosis and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

So I have contracted some sort of fabulous hacking-up disease just in time for the holidays. I know exactly which child came to school ill because it was party day and gave the lovely germ to me, too! Maybe there should be a pop quiz or some other form of torture in said child's future.

In the midst of my pain, illness, and mental anguish, Lurch asks me, "Mom, are you ok?" My reply was "no, I am pretty sure I am dying" and he chirped up, "well, we still have time to get to Payless to get you some shoes!"

Ok, admittedly hilarious. Makes me mad though that his obviously inherited quick-wit comes through when I am in the process of expelling a vital organ (namely, a lung) through the writhing convulsions of my coughing fits.

Convoy Movie song

TAKS Tasks

Well, we had to give the reading practice TAKS benchmark today (Merry Christmas, kiddies. You've been naughty this year, so Santa is giving you a TEST 3 days before you get out for the holiday!)

Anyway, the new admin has a system for us to get relieved for a potty break. Red Solo cups. At first I was thinking WTF? Are we supposed to use the cups to relieve ourselves? Thank the little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay, no.

We were to place them outside our classroom door as a "signal" to the hall monitor to call someone for us. Which to me seems like a shameful waste of beer pong supplies. However, in the same directive that explained the solo cups there were also instructions not to turn our back to the class, not to stand in the doorway, and to be constantly "actively monitoring" the kids. Pretty hard to do unless you are a contortionist.

So... I devised a plan -- we grab the cup, back up to the door surreptitiously, twist the knob, yell "INCOMING," throw the cup, and then run like h3ll back into the midst of the students.

My ingenious problem-solving skills are highly undervalued by my colleagues.

Did I Mention That I Will Have Beautiful Grandchildren?

I am sure the pictures of my potential grandchildren from TrainWreck and BrideOfTrainwreck's marital union will look fabulous in my wallet. However, I am sorely afraid that as attractive as the two of them are, there is a good chance that the kids will inherit absolutely no functional brain activity whatsoever.

Today, we were out shopping at some antique stores and BrideOfTrainwreck passes the counter and calls me over to come see a vodka bracelet that I MUST have... so I go investigate and I see where they have some sterling silver liquor decanter tags - the kind with the chains that go around the neck of the bottle. Yep. One of them said vodka on it.

MyPoolBoy, the clerk, and I are trying our best to stifle ourselves...

Poor girl. Like I said, I'm gonna have beautiful grandchildren.

Christmas Shoes Blog

A BannedCamper posted the link to this blog for us to read. Now there's more coffee on my laptop screen. Frikkin' BannedCamp needs to come with disclaimers for shi+ that is this funny -

Warning: May cause involuntary spewing of beverages onto computer monitor. Do not read if you have bladder control issues or are otherwise incontinent as laughing until you pee has occurred in some readers.

You MUST go here:

http://mikekenny.blogspot.com/2006/12/worst-christmas-song-ever.html


Swallow whatever you are drinking. Put on your Depends. Grab a hanky cuz you will be crying - from the laughter. Now go read it.

How to Win Drinks and Influence People

Here is the latest tidbit of wisdom to spew forth from the font of knowledge that I loving refer to as my sage, all-knowing friend, DrunkenFelix:

I have no morals, will you buy me a beer?

This could very well be classified as a pick-up line to rival I'm-on-Cialis and may-I-pet-your-weasel.

Let's just say you know someone is DUH-RUNK (2 syllables) when they are telling you repeatedly for a 20-minute tirade taking up several precious moments of your lifetime that you are their BEST FRIEND EVER. No, seriously you don't understand, you are their best friend ever.

Edited to add: I just spewed coffee on my already effed-up laptop screen because she left me a voicemail on my phone. All she says is: Hey call me and let me know how the night ended.

This officially goes down in history as the best voicemail I have ever received.
Coffee. Through the nose. Ouch.

You know you had fun if you can't remember anything.
Well, let me see... after we bailed you out of jail and found your pants.....

Starry Starry Plight

I'm calling Felix by another name this week.

Her dogs that she treats too well (when I die please God let me come back as one of Felix's dogs) got in a real-live honest-to-goodness bi+ch fight because 2 of them are in heat. So they ganged up on one of the old fat porn dogs and bit her bad enough that she needed stitches in 10 places.

Felix, being the dog-whisperer that she is, jumped right smack into the middle of this canine throwdown and got bit. On the left ear. Requiring 4 stitches. And a huge-a$$ bandage.

$600 later I am laughing at her and calling her Vincent (Van Gogh). Because I am that kind of friend.

Maybe I should get her an Elizabethan collar so she won't lick her stitches! I will paint the scene of Starry, Starry Night on it to make it pretty. Or get her some sunflowers.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Holiday Gift-Giving

So there's a MetLife or somethingorother commercial that goes through stages of gift-giving in a relationship along these lines:

I like you
I really like you
I love you
I will always love you

And then comes the plug for the life insurance - the gift that keeps on giving

NO.
This is the gift that says: You need to die because I need some money to pay for all these gifts.

Holiday Spirit

Is this guy related to me?

Buckle Up

Last night I got just drunk enough to sit on the toilet to pee and think that I needed to put on my seatbelt.

Yet I was just sober enough to realize that I was on the toilet and not, in fact, in a vehicle of any kind. I started laughing mid-pee.

Yeah, I think I pretty much was the answer to the infamous "why's the rum gone" question

There's Always a Tangle in the Plan

Testosterone Patch Restores Libido in Postmenopausal Women

Well, this article title sounds promising - until you read to about the 3rd paragraph where it mentions the side-effect: unwanted hair growth. So, now you've got this sex drive like never before, but your Chewbacca-lookin' self is a real deal-breaker with any reasonable man.

Buckle Up For Safety

Last night I got just drunk enough to sit on the toilet to pee and think that I needed to put on my seatbelt.

Yet I was just sober enough to realize that I was on the toilet and not, in fact, in a vehicle of any kind. I started laughing mid-pee.

And I think I pretty much was the answer to the infamous "why's the rum gone" question

I Scared Children This Year

Poster Children

Red Ribbon Week was this week - in a desperate attempt to prove their inappropriately abundant knowledge of all things illicit, some of our little darlings made posters depicting the various alcohol and tobacco products that they knew they should Just Say No to.

It is sadly obvious that our kids are on the lower socio-economic end of the scale cuz the pictures were of Keystone, Miller Light, and Longhorn snuff. No Dos Equis or Michelob - not even real Copenhagen.

New Vocabulary Word

One of the 1st graders had to do a "think sheet" today to apologize to his teacher for being noisy during class:

Dear Mrs. Teacher,
I am soruy. I will not dickarupt class no mor.

dickarupt /dik*uh*ruhpt/ - verb: to dick around as to cause interruption or disruption of a structured social setting.

What a Flake

So, I had to eat cheerios this morning instead of my usual Special K with berries and I became acutely stricken by of one of my random moments of clarity and awareness:

When I finish eating cereal that is flakes, if there are a few small strays, I don't mind letting them dissipate and float out in the milk and basically go to waste.

Today, however, it was like no cheerio left behind... Not even a 1/2 of one. What is it about the ring-shape that made me deem it to be somehow more worthy of my consumption? I chased the little sumbi+ches all over their milky escape routes in the bowl with my spoon until they were completely devoured.

I won! I won!

I went to my box at school today and there was a paycheck in there. Hurray! I've won an all-expenses paid trip to the liquor store!

Been at Felix's all night, where I announced that if I lose 15 more pounds I'm going to start dressing like a slut.

Throw Me Something Mister!

PeytonPlace High School had its homecoming parade this evening and they changed its route to come down our street over to a vacant lot behind one of the elementary schools where the bonfire was to be held.

About 3 of my kids told me at school today that they would be riding in a float in the parade. I told them that they needed to save all their chocolate candy until they got to my house and throw it to me because I was down to orange tic tacs in my candy stash.

Then I sat on the back end of MyPoolBoy's pickup with a coffee cup (sans coffee - I was killin' off the box o' wine) and waited for the haul.

I got a lot of gum, plenty of tootsie rolls, some nestle crunches, and some other stuff that I pawned off on Chunk.

Oh, and some banana laffy taffy.
That reminds me... I need to go to the liquor store. I haven't had bananaramashit in a while.

Just Desserts

Our PTO has asked all the teachers to submit recipes for a cookbook that they are putting together for a fundraiser. They have decided that my grade level should contribute dessert recipes.

We're stymied.

The only desserts we're any good at are Pig Candy Meat Knots (1st/sober batch only, of course), Crackwhore Brownies (named for Felix's powdery-white condition after she makes them), and Jello Shots.

Impressed by Success

To atone for some irresponsibility-type sins, Thunderduck bought me a thrift-store copy of Success Hasn't Spoiled Me Yet. As he was checking out, he said the redneck lady at the register commented "You know, I saw him once"

TD: Oh really?

RedneckRegisterLady: Yeah, I was at a UT football game... I don't know why cuz we're Aggies at my house, maybe they were playing the Aggies... anyway this limo pulls up and the door opened and there he was --

Spuds MacKenzie!

TD (trying not to bust out laughing in her face cuz I've tried to instill in the boys that openly laughing at someone's mental shortcomings is distasteful and rude): Oh, really? Well, this is for my mom... she went to see Rick Springfield a few years ago.

RRL: Yeah, well, I've never seen Rick. I think I'd rather see the dog, anyway.

As disconcerted as I am that not everyone appreciates him as much as I, at least I know there's that much less competition.

Dumb Dog

Lurch's less-than-brilliant, obviously not bred for intelligence, 1/2 Rottweiler 1/2 cowdog is pulling on the rope that is holding the big brass piano piece up against the tree (it was SUPPOSED to have been made into a bar for me).

I informed her that if she succeeds in pulling the rope off, the big piece of metal will come down upon her head and they will write a sad children's book about her that will later be made into some tear-jerker Disney film where the dog always dies at the end. No one wins, especially not the dog.

She is not listening. Guess I should sit her down and make her watch Old Yeller a couple of times.

Oh My

I just had an impure thought.

Yep. I'm pretty sure it was impure.

If Steven Colbert was selling THIS for $350,000, he would definitely get some takers.

I think MyPoolBoy should pose for a picture like this for me for our anniversary.

Halloween Brew

I announced to the Lucilles today that I will be trick or treating their houses this year with a cooler. And I will be expecting a can of beer as my treat.

ETA

Adding to the whole TAKS benchmark ridiculousness-
We were at a grade-level meeting with the C&I admin over at the Big House. She said that the results would be able to help campus principals point out any problems.

Felix said the only problem our principal would get from OUR results would be a drinking problem.

School Daze

First of all, we had to give the release TAKS math test to our kids today (Yes, after the 5th week of school - test 'em on all the objectives that they haven't learned yet.) The premise was to see growth between now and mid-year and closer to TAKS time. Uhhhh, yeah. You'll see plenty of growth. Average score was about 30 or 40. The poor kids! They were so frustrated! Most hilarious to me was that my pre-primer reader baby got the mult/div problems right (and only like 5 other problems right!) So it looks like the only thing he has mastered is mult/div. HAHAHAHAHAHA! So what will I glean from the data and results of today's test? Well, judging from my pre-primer baby's results, I would have to say that my professional educated conclusion is that even a blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then!

Also - Thunderduck and I were discussing the absolute worst position in education would have to be subbing pre-k. Which we topped with worse: subbing bi-lingual pre-k. Which could only be worse if it was subbing special ed bi-lingual pre-k. But hey, if it was subbing you would have the option of turning it down.

There is a reason why I'm only certified 1-6. There is also a reason why I don't have any sped or bilingual/esl endorsements. Cuz with my luck, special ed bi-lingual pre-k is where they'd probably put me if they legally could. I'm not limiting myself...I'm INSURING myself.

OMG

I wish I was making this up. Dayum! No camera phone!

Grandpa Lance just walked in with biker shorts (too short) yellow and red long-sleeved jersey, red and black anklet socks and BOAT SHOES. His legs are shaved -- I mean as bare as the bald spot in the middle of his gray-white hair. There are visible varicose veins. He is wearing bifocals.

BOAT SHOES! Did the Social Security check not come in yet so that you could get the shoes to complete the whole outfit?

Maybe he'll lend me some Depends cuz I'm about to pee myself!

Trick or Trat

Chunk announced to us at dinner that he wanted to go as FDR on Halloween so that he could just ride down the street in a wheelchair and not have to walk to trick or treat.

Then the conversation devolved when Lurch chimed in that he could be Steven Hawking instead and not even have to yell "Trick or Treat" -- he could just use a Speak and Spell.

"Trick or Trat" "0h shit" backspace backspace "Treat"

So this brought me to ponder: What if Steven Hawking had Tourrette's. Would the Speak and Spell cuss?

Edited to add: How can I get diagnosed with Tourrette's? It sure would save me a lot of grief at the PlaceWhereI'mNotAllowedToYellTheF-WordAnymore.

Further Proof

That social studies education is sorely lacking in the country today.

Because, according to 4 of my students, Christopher Columbus is the president.
2 of them said he was a scientist
1 said he was an actor
1 said he was a statue (?)

and 1 said he was a phenpe...
whatever the hell phenpe is supposed to spell.

I emailed MyPoolBoy when this happened and he replied "didn't he discover the moon?"

Which might be what phenpe means.

I have decided that I will have my low students sign up to be cryptologists for national security. All the government will have to do is tell them to copy a secret message exactly the way it is written (ha!). The code will only be able to be broken by Special Ed teachers and some highly trained Reading Specialists. AND it will be completely secure from "leaks" because, not only will it be undecipherable from the original, but the kids won't be able to read/comprehend/remember what they wrote anyway!

Or is it cryptographers? I guess technically since they are writing the code they would be considered cryptographers instead of cryptologists.

Excuse me. There's a spot on the wall I haven't banged my head against yet.

A Social Studies Lesson

People should be given an IQ test prior to being issued an email address. And they must show proficiency in checking Snopes or some other online source for accuracies/inaccuracies of the crap that they pass on to other people.

My latest exhibit in ignorant internet inaccuracies: An email forward from ShallowHal's wife, and my mother the RumRunner. (Caution: Although I have provided the whole email here, you may not want to read it in its entirety as it will make your eyes roll, your head shake, and send your breathing pattern into one of exasperated sighs.)

Is it not enough that our kids can't even pray at school anymore, I'm sorry but this is what is wrong with the world, THEY are taking GOD out of everything because it is offending people...

Subject: Removal of Joel Osteen, Joyce Meyer, Creflo Dollar, TD Jakes

An organization has been granted a Federal Hearing on the same subject by the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) in Washington, DC Their petition, Number 2493, would ultimately pave the way to stop the reading of the gospel of our Lord and Savior, on the airwaves of America. They got 287,000 signatures to back their stand! If this attempt is successful, all Sunday worship services being broadcast on the radio or by television will be stopped. This group is also campaigning to remove all Christmas programs and Christmas carols from public schools! You as a Christian can help! We are praying for at least 1 million signatures. This would defeat their effort and show that there are many Christians alive, well and concerned about our country. As Christians, we must unite on this.
Please don't take this lightly. We ignored one lady once and lost prayer in our schools and in offices across the nation. Please stand up for your religious freedom and let your voice be heard. Together we can make a difference in our country while creating an opportunity for the lost to know the Lord.
Please, if you don't wish to participate, return this email to whoever sent it to you so they can at least keep this email going or forward it to some one you know who will wish to participate. Dr. Dobson is going on CNBC to urge every Christian to get involved. I hope you will sign and forward to all your family and friends.

My response was only slightly characteristically bitchy, yet still enlightening, I think:

http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/fcc.asp
If you read the snopes article, the anti-religious petition asked only to ban it from education stations. In 1974.

There is a little thing called the US Constitution that makes banning ALL religious programming against the law. There's this whole freedom of speech/press/religion thing in there.

If the atheists and communists and neo-nazis had enough brains they would use the freedoms of the Constitution to their advantage and pool their resources to buy their own radio and tv time slots instead of just petitioning to get it off of other stations.

Lucky for us, they don't have enough brains.

You might want to pass the snopes article on to anyone you might have sent the email to.

Lesson over. There won't even be a quiz if you promise not to send me any more internet pollution.

I Lost 3 Pounds!

In my sleep! I've been home for 2 days (kicked out of school by NurseRatchet) with a 101+ degree fever. Actually up to 102.8 at one point. I don't really remember much from the past 2 days. My tonsils were swollen and it hurt to swallow. So between being passed out from fever and not able to swallow more than a tablespoon at a time of Campbell's delightful concoction from my childhood, not my soul, - their infamous "Chicken Noodle Soup -" I have dropped 3 pounds!

Thunderduck called it the Deathbed Diet.
Yeah, from the creators of Montezuma's Revenge.

I thought I could market it if I lick the tops of some Slimfast cans and hermetically seal them with some sort of cover to keep the germs incubated sufficiently. You, too, can waste away to nothing and never even realize it.

Felix said I'm a dork.

Correction: Felix said I'm SUCH a dork.

Professionalism: A Definition

I very professionally managed to write 4 pages of my observations of Screech during all of his melt-downs over the last 3 weeks. I did not use terms like Defcon 5, nor did I embellish the descriptions of his running/flailing arms/screaming/crying/snot-blowing fits with the simile "like a howler monkey hopped up on Mountain Dew."

I didn't even say snot-blowing.

Where do I send the bill for the box of wine that I've killed off since school started because of him, though?

Girl's Best Friend

Thunderduck's girlfriend was down for the weekend and they were watching tv together when one of those if-you-really-love-her-you'll-buy-her-a-diamond commercials came on. She told him that the he should be buying her a diamond. He said wait right here...and walked out the door. He came back a few minutes later with a piece of charcoal from the grill. He beamingly placed it into her hand and announced that if she would just squeeze on it for 40,000 years, she'd have a diamond!

She should kill him in his sleep.

I would help dump the body.

Nanny 911

Chunk came in here all upset that I should change the channel and watch Nanny 911 cuz I wouldn't believe these kids were hitting and beating each other and the mom was doing nothing about it.

I don't think I reacted how he wanted.

Cuz I told him that it was probably better that way - it was survival of the fittest, natural selection. As a mother, she just figured if they killed each other at least she wouldn't have to deal with them any more. Sounded like a good plan.

He walked out. I guess I'm no fun.

Bang Bang!

Good Gawd! Some news channel had a biography on Palin last night and I swear I nearly went into fits over the hair on those Alaskan women that they interviewed. Now, I KNOW that they are farther north than the rest of us lower 48, and don't get the latest trends and all in a timely manner, but someone, for the love of Pete, please, shove these dames into a Delorean and send them ahead about 2 or 3 decades with a copy of Vogue or at least Soap Opera digest to look at on their trip.

There were at least 4 of the co-workers, friends, acquaintances, etc. of Palin that had bangs.

Not the 90's swept-over-the-eye bangs, either. These were full-on frontal page-boy bangs that had been curled under with a 3/4" barrel Vidal Sassoon curling iron from Walmart. Complete with the South's own tribute to ozone layer depletion: AquaNet. It was all I could do to keep from crawling through the screen with a blow-dryer and a barrel brush and combing that shi+ out.

So although, I thought McCain had lost the redneck vote by choosing a woman running mate (cuz the rednecks won't vote for anyone who is not a white male), I now think that the biography will at least regain the redneckerellas vote because they will like "the way them wimmen fix thar har."

Except I doubt many rednecks were watching CNN last night cuz college football was on at the same time.

Everything Has Its Price

There was a waitress in a too-short and too-tight and too-low dress last night.

She reminded Felix of a woman that she knows that has store-bought boobs that are actually nice-looking.

Felix said she would KILL for boobs like that. She wouldn't pay for them, but she WOULD kill for them.