Ninja Death Liquor

Coined this phrase in honor of three fabulous concoctions that we have been enjoying:

1) BananaRamaShi+ (like Banana Laffy Taffy in a glass)
2) Lavender Margaritas (like a melted grape Otter Pop)
and
3) Apple Martini (like a liquid sour apple Jolly Rancher)

So deemed to be Ninja Death Liquors because they will get you when you least expect it and you won't see it coming!

Alcohol is a cough suppressant. And a fertility drug. Gotta be careful.

Two-berculosis and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

So I have contracted some sort of fabulous hacking-up disease just in time for the holidays. I know exactly which child came to school ill because it was party day and gave the lovely germ to me, too! Maybe there should be a pop quiz or some other form of torture in said child's future.

In the midst of my pain, illness, and mental anguish, Lurch asks me, "Mom, are you ok?" My reply was "no, I am pretty sure I am dying" and he chirped up, "well, we still have time to get to Payless to get you some shoes!"

Ok, admittedly hilarious. Makes me mad though that his obviously inherited quick-wit comes through when I am in the process of expelling a vital organ (namely, a lung) through the writhing convulsions of my coughing fits.

Convoy Movie song

TAKS Tasks

Well, we had to give the reading practice TAKS benchmark today (Merry Christmas, kiddies. You've been naughty this year, so Santa is giving you a TEST 3 days before you get out for the holiday!)

Anyway, the new admin has a system for us to get relieved for a potty break. Red Solo cups. At first I was thinking WTF? Are we supposed to use the cups to relieve ourselves? Thank the little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay, no.

We were to place them outside our classroom door as a "signal" to the hall monitor to call someone for us. Which to me seems like a shameful waste of beer pong supplies. However, in the same directive that explained the solo cups there were also instructions not to turn our back to the class, not to stand in the doorway, and to be constantly "actively monitoring" the kids. Pretty hard to do unless you are a contortionist.

So... I devised a plan -- we grab the cup, back up to the door surreptitiously, twist the knob, yell "INCOMING," throw the cup, and then run like h3ll back into the midst of the students.

My ingenious problem-solving skills are highly undervalued by my colleagues.

Did I Mention That I Will Have Beautiful Grandchildren?

I am sure the pictures of my potential grandchildren from TrainWreck and BrideOfTrainwreck's marital union will look fabulous in my wallet. However, I am sorely afraid that as attractive as the two of them are, there is a good chance that the kids will inherit absolutely no functional brain activity whatsoever.

Today, we were out shopping at some antique stores and BrideOfTrainwreck passes the counter and calls me over to come see a vodka bracelet that I MUST have... so I go investigate and I see where they have some sterling silver liquor decanter tags - the kind with the chains that go around the neck of the bottle. Yep. One of them said vodka on it.

MyPoolBoy, the clerk, and I are trying our best to stifle ourselves...

Poor girl. Like I said, I'm gonna have beautiful grandchildren.

Christmas Shoes Blog

A BannedCamper posted the link to this blog for us to read. Now there's more coffee on my laptop screen. Frikkin' BannedCamp needs to come with disclaimers for shi+ that is this funny -

Warning: May cause involuntary spewing of beverages onto computer monitor. Do not read if you have bladder control issues or are otherwise incontinent as laughing until you pee has occurred in some readers.

You MUST go here:

http://mikekenny.blogspot.com/2006/12/worst-christmas-song-ever.html


Swallow whatever you are drinking. Put on your Depends. Grab a hanky cuz you will be crying - from the laughter. Now go read it.

How to Win Drinks and Influence People

Here is the latest tidbit of wisdom to spew forth from the font of knowledge that I loving refer to as my sage, all-knowing friend, DrunkenFelix:

I have no morals, will you buy me a beer?

This could very well be classified as a pick-up line to rival I'm-on-Cialis and may-I-pet-your-weasel.

Let's just say you know someone is DUH-RUNK (2 syllables) when they are telling you repeatedly for a 20-minute tirade taking up several precious moments of your lifetime that you are their BEST FRIEND EVER. No, seriously you don't understand, you are their best friend ever.

Edited to add: I just spewed coffee on my already effed-up laptop screen because she left me a voicemail on my phone. All she says is: Hey call me and let me know how the night ended.

This officially goes down in history as the best voicemail I have ever received.
Coffee. Through the nose. Ouch.

You know you had fun if you can't remember anything.
Well, let me see... after we bailed you out of jail and found your pants.....

Starry Starry Plight

I'm calling Felix by another name this week.

Her dogs that she treats too well (when I die please God let me come back as one of Felix's dogs) got in a real-live honest-to-goodness bi+ch fight because 2 of them are in heat. So they ganged up on one of the old fat porn dogs and bit her bad enough that she needed stitches in 10 places.

Felix, being the dog-whisperer that she is, jumped right smack into the middle of this canine throwdown and got bit. On the left ear. Requiring 4 stitches. And a huge-a$$ bandage.

$600 later I am laughing at her and calling her Vincent (Van Gogh). Because I am that kind of friend.

Maybe I should get her an Elizabethan collar so she won't lick her stitches! I will paint the scene of Starry, Starry Night on it to make it pretty. Or get her some sunflowers.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Holiday Gift-Giving

So there's a MetLife or somethingorother commercial that goes through stages of gift-giving in a relationship along these lines:

I like you
I really like you
I love you
I will always love you

And then comes the plug for the life insurance - the gift that keeps on giving

NO.
This is the gift that says: You need to die because I need some money to pay for all these gifts.

Holiday Spirit

Is this guy related to me?

Buckle Up

Last night I got just drunk enough to sit on the toilet to pee and think that I needed to put on my seatbelt.

Yet I was just sober enough to realize that I was on the toilet and not, in fact, in a vehicle of any kind. I started laughing mid-pee.

Yeah, I think I pretty much was the answer to the infamous "why's the rum gone" question

There's Always a Tangle in the Plan

Testosterone Patch Restores Libido in Postmenopausal Women

Well, this article title sounds promising - until you read to about the 3rd paragraph where it mentions the side-effect: unwanted hair growth. So, now you've got this sex drive like never before, but your Chewbacca-lookin' self is a real deal-breaker with any reasonable man.

Buckle Up For Safety

Last night I got just drunk enough to sit on the toilet to pee and think that I needed to put on my seatbelt.

Yet I was just sober enough to realize that I was on the toilet and not, in fact, in a vehicle of any kind. I started laughing mid-pee.

And I think I pretty much was the answer to the infamous "why's the rum gone" question

I Scared Children This Year

Poster Children

Red Ribbon Week was this week - in a desperate attempt to prove their inappropriately abundant knowledge of all things illicit, some of our little darlings made posters depicting the various alcohol and tobacco products that they knew they should Just Say No to.

It is sadly obvious that our kids are on the lower socio-economic end of the scale cuz the pictures were of Keystone, Miller Light, and Longhorn snuff. No Dos Equis or Michelob - not even real Copenhagen.

New Vocabulary Word

One of the 1st graders had to do a "think sheet" today to apologize to his teacher for being noisy during class:

Dear Mrs. Teacher,
I am soruy. I will not dickarupt class no mor.

dickarupt /dik*uh*ruhpt/ - verb: to dick around as to cause interruption or disruption of a structured social setting.

What a Flake

So, I had to eat cheerios this morning instead of my usual Special K with berries and I became acutely stricken by of one of my random moments of clarity and awareness:

When I finish eating cereal that is flakes, if there are a few small strays, I don't mind letting them dissipate and float out in the milk and basically go to waste.

Today, however, it was like no cheerio left behind... Not even a 1/2 of one. What is it about the ring-shape that made me deem it to be somehow more worthy of my consumption? I chased the little sumbi+ches all over their milky escape routes in the bowl with my spoon until they were completely devoured.

I won! I won!

I went to my box at school today and there was a paycheck in there. Hurray! I've won an all-expenses paid trip to the liquor store!

Been at Felix's all night, where I announced that if I lose 15 more pounds I'm going to start dressing like a slut.

Throw Me Something Mister!

PeytonPlace High School had its homecoming parade this evening and they changed its route to come down our street over to a vacant lot behind one of the elementary schools where the bonfire was to be held.

About 3 of my kids told me at school today that they would be riding in a float in the parade. I told them that they needed to save all their chocolate candy until they got to my house and throw it to me because I was down to orange tic tacs in my candy stash.

Then I sat on the back end of MyPoolBoy's pickup with a coffee cup (sans coffee - I was killin' off the box o' wine) and waited for the haul.

I got a lot of gum, plenty of tootsie rolls, some nestle crunches, and some other stuff that I pawned off on Chunk.

Oh, and some banana laffy taffy.
That reminds me... I need to go to the liquor store. I haven't had bananaramashit in a while.

Just Desserts

Our PTO has asked all the teachers to submit recipes for a cookbook that they are putting together for a fundraiser. They have decided that my grade level should contribute dessert recipes.

We're stymied.

The only desserts we're any good at are Pig Candy Meat Knots (1st/sober batch only, of course), Crackwhore Brownies (named for Felix's powdery-white condition after she makes them), and Jello Shots.

Impressed by Success

To atone for some irresponsibility-type sins, Thunderduck bought me a thrift-store copy of Success Hasn't Spoiled Me Yet. As he was checking out, he said the redneck lady at the register commented "You know, I saw him once"

TD: Oh really?

RedneckRegisterLady: Yeah, I was at a UT football game... I don't know why cuz we're Aggies at my house, maybe they were playing the Aggies... anyway this limo pulls up and the door opened and there he was --

Spuds MacKenzie!

TD (trying not to bust out laughing in her face cuz I've tried to instill in the boys that openly laughing at someone's mental shortcomings is distasteful and rude): Oh, really? Well, this is for my mom... she went to see Rick Springfield a few years ago.

RRL: Yeah, well, I've never seen Rick. I think I'd rather see the dog, anyway.

As disconcerted as I am that not everyone appreciates him as much as I, at least I know there's that much less competition.

Dumb Dog

Lurch's less-than-brilliant, obviously not bred for intelligence, 1/2 Rottweiler 1/2 cowdog is pulling on the rope that is holding the big brass piano piece up against the tree (it was SUPPOSED to have been made into a bar for me).

I informed her that if she succeeds in pulling the rope off, the big piece of metal will come down upon her head and they will write a sad children's book about her that will later be made into some tear-jerker Disney film where the dog always dies at the end. No one wins, especially not the dog.

She is not listening. Guess I should sit her down and make her watch Old Yeller a couple of times.

Oh My

I just had an impure thought.

Yep. I'm pretty sure it was impure.

If Steven Colbert was selling THIS for $350,000, he would definitely get some takers.

I think MyPoolBoy should pose for a picture like this for me for our anniversary.

Halloween Brew

I announced to the Lucilles today that I will be trick or treating their houses this year with a cooler. And I will be expecting a can of beer as my treat.

ETA

Adding to the whole TAKS benchmark ridiculousness-
We were at a grade-level meeting with the C&I admin over at the Big House. She said that the results would be able to help campus principals point out any problems.

Felix said the only problem our principal would get from OUR results would be a drinking problem.

School Daze

First of all, we had to give the release TAKS math test to our kids today (Yes, after the 5th week of school - test 'em on all the objectives that they haven't learned yet.) The premise was to see growth between now and mid-year and closer to TAKS time. Uhhhh, yeah. You'll see plenty of growth. Average score was about 30 or 40. The poor kids! They were so frustrated! Most hilarious to me was that my pre-primer reader baby got the mult/div problems right (and only like 5 other problems right!) So it looks like the only thing he has mastered is mult/div. HAHAHAHAHAHA! So what will I glean from the data and results of today's test? Well, judging from my pre-primer baby's results, I would have to say that my professional educated conclusion is that even a blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then!

Also - Thunderduck and I were discussing the absolute worst position in education would have to be subbing pre-k. Which we topped with worse: subbing bi-lingual pre-k. Which could only be worse if it was subbing special ed bi-lingual pre-k. But hey, if it was subbing you would have the option of turning it down.

There is a reason why I'm only certified 1-6. There is also a reason why I don't have any sped or bilingual/esl endorsements. Cuz with my luck, special ed bi-lingual pre-k is where they'd probably put me if they legally could. I'm not limiting myself...I'm INSURING myself.

OMG

I wish I was making this up. Dayum! No camera phone!

Grandpa Lance just walked in with biker shorts (too short) yellow and red long-sleeved jersey, red and black anklet socks and BOAT SHOES. His legs are shaved -- I mean as bare as the bald spot in the middle of his gray-white hair. There are visible varicose veins. He is wearing bifocals.

BOAT SHOES! Did the Social Security check not come in yet so that you could get the shoes to complete the whole outfit?

Maybe he'll lend me some Depends cuz I'm about to pee myself!

Trick or Trat

Chunk announced to us at dinner that he wanted to go as FDR on Halloween so that he could just ride down the street in a wheelchair and not have to walk to trick or treat.

Then the conversation devolved when Lurch chimed in that he could be Steven Hawking instead and not even have to yell "Trick or Treat" -- he could just use a Speak and Spell.

"Trick or Trat" "0h shit" backspace backspace "Treat"

So this brought me to ponder: What if Steven Hawking had Tourrette's. Would the Speak and Spell cuss?

Edited to add: How can I get diagnosed with Tourrette's? It sure would save me a lot of grief at the PlaceWhereI'mNotAllowedToYellTheF-WordAnymore.

Further Proof

That social studies education is sorely lacking in the country today.

Because, according to 4 of my students, Christopher Columbus is the president.
2 of them said he was a scientist
1 said he was an actor
1 said he was a statue (?)

and 1 said he was a phenpe...
whatever the hell phenpe is supposed to spell.

I emailed MyPoolBoy when this happened and he replied "didn't he discover the moon?"

Which might be what phenpe means.

I have decided that I will have my low students sign up to be cryptologists for national security. All the government will have to do is tell them to copy a secret message exactly the way it is written (ha!). The code will only be able to be broken by Special Ed teachers and some highly trained Reading Specialists. AND it will be completely secure from "leaks" because, not only will it be undecipherable from the original, but the kids won't be able to read/comprehend/remember what they wrote anyway!

Or is it cryptographers? I guess technically since they are writing the code they would be considered cryptographers instead of cryptologists.

Excuse me. There's a spot on the wall I haven't banged my head against yet.

A Social Studies Lesson

People should be given an IQ test prior to being issued an email address. And they must show proficiency in checking Snopes or some other online source for accuracies/inaccuracies of the crap that they pass on to other people.

My latest exhibit in ignorant internet inaccuracies: An email forward from ShallowHal's wife, and my mother the RumRunner. (Caution: Although I have provided the whole email here, you may not want to read it in its entirety as it will make your eyes roll, your head shake, and send your breathing pattern into one of exasperated sighs.)

Is it not enough that our kids can't even pray at school anymore, I'm sorry but this is what is wrong with the world, THEY are taking GOD out of everything because it is offending people...

Subject: Removal of Joel Osteen, Joyce Meyer, Creflo Dollar, TD Jakes

An organization has been granted a Federal Hearing on the same subject by the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) in Washington, DC Their petition, Number 2493, would ultimately pave the way to stop the reading of the gospel of our Lord and Savior, on the airwaves of America. They got 287,000 signatures to back their stand! If this attempt is successful, all Sunday worship services being broadcast on the radio or by television will be stopped. This group is also campaigning to remove all Christmas programs and Christmas carols from public schools! You as a Christian can help! We are praying for at least 1 million signatures. This would defeat their effort and show that there are many Christians alive, well and concerned about our country. As Christians, we must unite on this.
Please don't take this lightly. We ignored one lady once and lost prayer in our schools and in offices across the nation. Please stand up for your religious freedom and let your voice be heard. Together we can make a difference in our country while creating an opportunity for the lost to know the Lord.
Please, if you don't wish to participate, return this email to whoever sent it to you so they can at least keep this email going or forward it to some one you know who will wish to participate. Dr. Dobson is going on CNBC to urge every Christian to get involved. I hope you will sign and forward to all your family and friends.

My response was only slightly characteristically bitchy, yet still enlightening, I think:

http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/fcc.asp
If you read the snopes article, the anti-religious petition asked only to ban it from education stations. In 1974.

There is a little thing called the US Constitution that makes banning ALL religious programming against the law. There's this whole freedom of speech/press/religion thing in there.

If the atheists and communists and neo-nazis had enough brains they would use the freedoms of the Constitution to their advantage and pool their resources to buy their own radio and tv time slots instead of just petitioning to get it off of other stations.

Lucky for us, they don't have enough brains.

You might want to pass the snopes article on to anyone you might have sent the email to.

Lesson over. There won't even be a quiz if you promise not to send me any more internet pollution.

I Lost 3 Pounds!

In my sleep! I've been home for 2 days (kicked out of school by NurseRatchet) with a 101+ degree fever. Actually up to 102.8 at one point. I don't really remember much from the past 2 days. My tonsils were swollen and it hurt to swallow. So between being passed out from fever and not able to swallow more than a tablespoon at a time of Campbell's delightful concoction from my childhood, not my soul, - their infamous "Chicken Noodle Soup -" I have dropped 3 pounds!

Thunderduck called it the Deathbed Diet.
Yeah, from the creators of Montezuma's Revenge.

I thought I could market it if I lick the tops of some Slimfast cans and hermetically seal them with some sort of cover to keep the germs incubated sufficiently. You, too, can waste away to nothing and never even realize it.

Felix said I'm a dork.

Correction: Felix said I'm SUCH a dork.

Professionalism: A Definition

I very professionally managed to write 4 pages of my observations of Screech during all of his melt-downs over the last 3 weeks. I did not use terms like Defcon 5, nor did I embellish the descriptions of his running/flailing arms/screaming/crying/snot-blowing fits with the simile "like a howler monkey hopped up on Mountain Dew."

I didn't even say snot-blowing.

Where do I send the bill for the box of wine that I've killed off since school started because of him, though?

Girl's Best Friend

Thunderduck's girlfriend was down for the weekend and they were watching tv together when one of those if-you-really-love-her-you'll-buy-her-a-diamond commercials came on. She told him that the he should be buying her a diamond. He said wait right here...and walked out the door. He came back a few minutes later with a piece of charcoal from the grill. He beamingly placed it into her hand and announced that if she would just squeeze on it for 40,000 years, she'd have a diamond!

She should kill him in his sleep.

I would help dump the body.

Nanny 911

Chunk came in here all upset that I should change the channel and watch Nanny 911 cuz I wouldn't believe these kids were hitting and beating each other and the mom was doing nothing about it.

I don't think I reacted how he wanted.

Cuz I told him that it was probably better that way - it was survival of the fittest, natural selection. As a mother, she just figured if they killed each other at least she wouldn't have to deal with them any more. Sounded like a good plan.

He walked out. I guess I'm no fun.

Bang Bang!

Good Gawd! Some news channel had a biography on Palin last night and I swear I nearly went into fits over the hair on those Alaskan women that they interviewed. Now, I KNOW that they are farther north than the rest of us lower 48, and don't get the latest trends and all in a timely manner, but someone, for the love of Pete, please, shove these dames into a Delorean and send them ahead about 2 or 3 decades with a copy of Vogue or at least Soap Opera digest to look at on their trip.

There were at least 4 of the co-workers, friends, acquaintances, etc. of Palin that had bangs.

Not the 90's swept-over-the-eye bangs, either. These were full-on frontal page-boy bangs that had been curled under with a 3/4" barrel Vidal Sassoon curling iron from Walmart. Complete with the South's own tribute to ozone layer depletion: AquaNet. It was all I could do to keep from crawling through the screen with a blow-dryer and a barrel brush and combing that shi+ out.

So although, I thought McCain had lost the redneck vote by choosing a woman running mate (cuz the rednecks won't vote for anyone who is not a white male), I now think that the biography will at least regain the redneckerellas vote because they will like "the way them wimmen fix thar har."

Except I doubt many rednecks were watching CNN last night cuz college football was on at the same time.

Everything Has Its Price

There was a waitress in a too-short and too-tight and too-low dress last night.

She reminded Felix of a woman that she knows that has store-bought boobs that are actually nice-looking.

Felix said she would KILL for boobs like that. She wouldn't pay for them, but she WOULD kill for them.

Time Out

Ok, so last night DrunkenFelix and I had a long-overdue evening out, which resulted in becoming another one of our blog-worthy misadventures. We decided the first week of school had been too much to handle and we needed to get our Friday drink on.

Felix has a switch class with a VERY defiant boy in it, and some of the other kids seem to fear no consequences. She is already frustrated.

I have Screech of Honk-and-Screech fame, Mr. This-Is-Not-the-Playground himself. I needed a drink on TUESDAY.

So we go to the SportsBar downtown with MyPoolBoy and pigged out on a smorgasboard of bar food. A little later, here comes a co-worker, Striptease (she told everyone in one of those "getting to know you" games at the start of school that she had been a stripper in college - it was a riot!). She had been out to eat with her hubby and stopped in for a glass of wine. We had a blast talking and digging out the tiara and boa for them, and when she went to the restroom, we asked her man how they met - he had been her professor in college! BWAHAHAHAHA! So now I have to call him the Prof.

Well, they left and MyPoolBoy went down to another place and DrunkenFelix and I decide to go collect tips for the band because their jar was empty, and we felt bad for them. As we make our way around, some guy tells Felix "If I want to tip the band, I will tip the band." Felix said we didn't know the band, we were just trying to help them out a little. And again he said, "If I want to tip the band, I will tip the band... do you understand?" And DrunkenFelix said, "I understand that you're an a$$hole" and walked off. So that was funny at the time.

We made our way back around and gave the band their tips, and sat back down. About 2 minutes later the manager comes over and asks us if we were the ones collecting tips for the band. We said yes. She said she didn't appreciate us calling her patrons a$$holes and for us to not collect any more tips for the band. Felix told her we didn't even know the band, we just were trying to be nice. Manager tells Felix that she didn't want her customers treated badly and he was a good tipper. Felix told her "Am I not a customer too? You don't know if I'm a good tipper or not" and TURNED HER BACK TO THE MANAGER. I just sat there and shrugged my shoulders. The manager started to walk around the table to get were she could look Felix in the face, but I guess she thought the better of it and walked back off to talk to A$$holeTipper. So there we sat on the bench at the table in the SportsBar. And we dared not move. Like we were in TIME OUT for name-calling after A$$holeTipper tattled on us.

But then, as if the heavens above parted and a ray of shimmering golden light was showing us the way to salvation and repentence for our sins, there sat one of the owners of the SportsBar. And DrunkenFelix knows him - it was CIALIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, we got out of time out for sure, but right about then MyPoolBoy came back and we told him what had happened and he had us go down to the place down the street with him.

Here's the difference: We walk up to the place, see the owners (that MyPoolBoy knows really well) and I tell them that we just left the SportsBar because we basically were put in time out for calling someone an a$$hole. So OwnerLady puts her arms around us and tells us that will NEVER happen in her bar, and walks us in. As we make our way to the bar, she points out several people, and with each one she says, "That's an a$$hole, and as long as you are here, you can call him an a$$hole if you want to!"

Successful evening.

Why is it that guys dance in place (especially when seated) with that forward almost-autistic to-and-fro rocking movement and think that they are jammin? I mean the whole 80s head-banging heavy metal hair band genre alone should suffice as evidence to this dance craze sensation.

It is a pseudo sexual movement, I'm sure. That's probably why dancing is considered sinful in some religions. And I don't think that it's necessarily that the intention of the dancer is to be risque - it's just that's how white boyz dance.

Badge of Honor

This http://www.says-it.com/seal/
has inspired me to think about making myself some WTP/Lucille merit badges.
There would be a list of requirements for each badge, of course. I'm thinking some of the badges could be:
Drinking Badge
Regalia Badge
Purse Badge
Witty Comebacks/Smart-Mouth Comments Badge
Trailer and/or Home Decor Badge
Walmart Cuisine Badge
Music and Songs Badge

Any ideas?
Any takers?

I'll post more later as I get inspired.

Too Much is Not Enough

MyPoolBoy is under the impression that I have too many versions of Jessie's Girl on my mp3 player. Seven, too be exact.

1) The original version by Rick
2) an smooth acoustic version by Rick
3) an acapella version by Rockapella
4) a live acoustic version by Everclear
5) the punky-rock version by Frickin' A (this one includes the excerpt from their video that has Rick posing as a psychiatrist & playing the guitar solo)
6) a country-ish version by Jared Wagner of Lonestar
7) a fun Kinks-ish version by OK Go (the YouTube treadmill group)

Great Minds - Alike

Match yourself with Rick Springfield

I am 98% compatible with him on an intellectual level.
Only 33% on a physical level (how do THEY know that? Give me 5 minutes alone with him. That'll change.) Oh well, I'll just have to keep using MyPoolBoy's body.

This matching is based on birthdays/biorhythms.

One of my best CelebMatches on this site, though, is Jeff Gordon.
Yes, NASCAR Jeff Gordon. I'm doomed to Redneckdom.

Oh Baby!

Video Parody of Matthew McConaughey

See more Joey Kern videos at Funny or Die

Copacabana! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I can't get over how much this guy sounds like the real deal!

Acting My Age?

I took the realage.com test like they talked about on Oprah.

I am EXACTLY 6 years younger in RealAge than I actually am!

Does this mean that I can have my big-a$$ 40th birthday again in 6 years????

Texas Redneck Festival

Texas Redneck Festival - Nov. 8 - Spokes Sports bar, Burnet Texas

Ok, I'm in. Where do I sign up?

Heavy Petting

Put this one down in the list of worst pickup lines ever (along with the "I'm on Cialis" gem).

Last year, Lurch was standing around the stadium and saw 2 girls, one of whom was carrying her pet ferret.

Lurch approached the girls and politely asked the one carrying the ferret: "Oh, cool, may I pet your weasel?"

I pretty much burst into tears laughing and walked to the car, leaving him there to figure it out for himself. I DO think he at least got the girl's email address, though.

Still More Proof

That my niece is really my child, she just came from Pepita's womb. Here is the darling wtp-in-training child dunking Oreos in the champagne at Trainwreck & BrideOfTrainwreck's rehearsal dinner.

Time Warp

Apparently MTV is planning to remake The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Dumba$$es. This is one that I just CANNOT fathom being redone correctly. Especially if it is going to include "new, original songs." So who are they going to hire to choreograph the new dances and give us new dialogue to memorize? Let's face it, it's taken me 20+ years to learn just SOME of the OLD version.

Trainspotting was one thing. This is something else entirely. I'm thinking it'll wind up being really corny crap with lame "up-and-coming" stars that will be on VH-1 I Love the 2000's in about 10 years. Or on a where-are-they-now show. Or as a guest on celebrity Deal or No Deal.

OMG what if they turn the Time Warp into a rap song?

Please make arrangements to shoot me in the head repeatedly if this happens.

No one can possibly get the full blunt-force trauma that is RHPS unless you get to throw shi+ at the screen with 200 other drunken idiots while you shield yourself with newspaper so that your date won't get a free shot of your braless wet-tshirt boobs during the rainstorm scene ...I've heard.

Cleanliness Is Next to Impossible

Answering a post over on Banned Camp about how clean our houses are:

Mine was clean for Lurch's graduation in May

Taught summer school in June and left MyPoolBoy, Lurch, and Chunk at home alone during the week. It became disgusting.

Went out of town for 4th of July week

Left for the coast for our "Lucille trip" first full week of July

Came back and did wedding prep until last week.
Getting ready to go camping now.

I have had no summer.
The house looks like shi+.
I did not make this mess.

I also sound like a broken record.

If they would all move out, it would stay clean.
Or I could burn the place down and start over.

Plan B

Thunderduck and I have decided that his wedding will need to include a few more laughs than Trainwreck's. (Cuz, let's face it - I was too stressed out and pissed off about last minute stuff to really enjoy it till the tequila started flowing)

We will of course, continue the Bohemian Rhapsody/Wayne's World head-bang mother & groom dance, and I promised that he will get orange cake for a groom's cake, too.

However, all prospective suitors for him need this caveat:
You WILL be embarrassed during the garter toss.
Well, not so much the toss, but the search for the garter all up in your dress. We will need to make sure the chair or bench that wifey sits on has a slipcover of some sort over it. Then Thunderduck will go in and retrieve:
-a golf club
-a lawn gnome
-big-a$$ granny panties
-an Elvis album (or clock)
-possibly a ham sandwich

Yes, he is cute. There is a price. You have been warned.

Wedding Quotes

Top quotes overheard at Trainwreck and his new bride's wedding last night:

1) after the leftover cake was dropped by DrunkenCollegeKid1 in the parking lot - BosnianDrunkenCollegeKid watched Thunderduck and MyPoolBoy salvage the top tier back into the box to load it into the car to be sent home for dorm-room consumption later, leaving the other tier on the asphalt - comment regarding the cake remaining on the asphalt:
"In Bosnia, that's still good cake!"

2) when Thunderduck introduced me to his friends - comment regarding his expectations for their behavior for the evening:
"Hey guys, this is my mom. No hitting on my mom."

3) during the father of the groom toast (MyPoolBoy) - comment regarding advice to the bride:
"Thanks for taking him off our hands. Now go buy lots of bleach."

4) after ReallyDrunkenCollegeKid dropped leftover-send-to-the-dorm fruit bouquet in the floorboard of Thunderduck's car - comment regarding fruit in the floorboard and his lack of recollection of how it came to be in the floorboard and Thunderduck's futile attempts to clarify the situation:
RDCK-"Dude, what is this in the floor?"
TD-"It's fruit"
RDCK-"Dude, why is their chocolate covered fruit in the floor?"
TD-"You dropped it"
RDCK-"How did I drop chocolate covered fruit in the floor?"
TD-"You were holding the fruit bouquet and you dropped it in the floor"
RDCK-"Who gave me chocolate covered fruit?"

The Golden Years

QueenB was giving Pepita a hard time last night at the bachelorette party for Trainwreck's bride-to-be because Pepita has difficulty wrapping her little pea brain around the concept of what she calls "Old People Sex" (which she punctuates with a full-body shiver).

BrideOfTrainwreck pipes up with: "No, worse than that - nursing home sex!" And the two of them practically convulse from the very idea.

I shut them both up quickly.

Cuz I figure those Craftmatic Adjustable Beds could get into some pretty kinky positions.

In the Bag

One of my friends tonight told me that my infamous purse-o-crap is like I'm the White Trash Mary Poppins.

Branded for Life

Done. I LOVE it!!!!

Rocks

Felix got this humongous ring for her anniversary. Like, "if-we-go-out-looking-for-a-bi+ch-to-cut-at-the-coast-this-summer, I-will-push-Felix-out-in-front-to-whack-her-with-the-bling" big.

Which brought this thought to my mind (because I DID ask the question - you know the one...)

The first time you score a diamond in a relationship, the man gets down on his knee and proposes.

The next time you score a diamond (i.e., an anniversary ring), the WOMAN must have been down on HER knees!

Dear Rick

This is too funny!

"Not like the last 3 concerts...."
"Please call me"
BWAHAHAHA! I LOVE this chick!



See, all I did was send him a MySpace message asking him to design my trampstamp.

Design My Tatt Challenge

This is what I posted to my MySpace Bulletin. I thought I would open it up further to the rest of you. If you want to send me a design and you don't have my email, then leave me a comment and I will arrange for you to send it to me.

Ok, so MyPoolBoy has convinced me to get a tramp stamp (lower back) tattoo that says Jesse's Girl, on the condition that he sign a contract stating that if he ever does anything to make us break up, HE has to pay for the removal of said tattoo as part of the divorce settlement. I refuse to have any reminders in case there is an unfortunate drunken incident at a strip club or something.

You can't get too much more white trash than that!

And Rick Springfield - if you actually read this (since you are on my friends list) I know I left out the "I" but that's how MyPoolBoy spells his name.

BTW I'll probably pick yours automatically if you enter the challenge, so give it a shot - you're a shoe-in!

The rules for the rest of you who are NOT Rick Springfield:

1) I want "Jesse's" on top of the word "Girl" (nasty to say, but that's where I like him! - apologies to my sons for that horrible mental image, but you know your parents DO still do it occasionally)

2) It has to be in lettering that is legible (legible means readable for those of you who graduated from PeytonPlace H.S.). Let's face it - I'm 40 and the only people who will be looking at it are MyPoolBoy (who is also 40), my friend Felix (older than 40), and possibly some dirty old men at the beach. All of whom have failing eyesight due to their advanced age.



3) I would like some sort of simple scrolly-looking decoration at either side to "spread" it out a little.

No fire shooting out or bat wings or crazy crap like that! It's my back, not a '78 Camaro!

4) You have 5 days (4 1/2 really) to submit your entry - by Wednesday, June 18.

We are trying to time this so that
A: Felix and I can have a road trip to get the tatt one day after summer school and
B: It will heal before we go on our beach trip

5) I would prefer just plain black design or VERY little color. Pink, perhaps.



6) Submit your design in GIF format (so that it will print clearly for the stencil for the artist)

7) Once you submit your design to me and the ink hits the skin, you lose all copyrights to the image. Your design will be presented on the lower back of my veryownbody, of which I have recently lost 12 pounds and tanned to the beautiful golden doneness of a pork chop. It will be highlighted further by my latest Walmart acquisition - a white monokini bathing suit.



Happy Designing! May the best tatt win!

DDD (Dear Dumb Dog)

Here's a little memo for Weasel:

Dear Dumb Dog,
Stop barking. There are 3 reasons why you are making a fool of yourself by barking right now:
A) You only weigh 5 pounds - no one is scared of you
B) Your leash is tied to the table - there is no way you could do anything about it if anyone WAS scared of you
C) It's "Daddy" coming through the gate anyway - it's not even a real intruder

White Trash Contract

Told MyPoolBoy that I would get a tramp stamp that said "Jesse's Girl" if he would sign an agreement stating that if he ever did anything to cause us to split up, he would pay to have it removed as part of the divorce settlement.

Fashion Alert for Men

If you are scrawny AND old...

Button your dayum shirt.
You are not fine. You are not sexy. You are not even cute.

I don't need to see it while I'm eating.

Sweet Revenge

So my little tormentor from the regular school year who thought that he would be free and clear of me for summer school because he assumed he would have a special ed teacher was WRONG!

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

One of my girls told him in the cafeteria this morning that I was at summer school.
"No way!"
"Way"
I walked up behind him and he put his head down on the table.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

SO today he starts acting up in class and I escorted him to the hall and informed him sweetly that there IS NO ISS in summer school and if he got sent to the principal he would get sent home and would NOT be allowed to come back.

His eyes lit up.
Sucker.

SO he says "will I be able to go to 4th grade"

wait for it...
wait for it...
It was killing me - making him suffer - no, you won't be allowed to come back so you won't get credit for being here....so.....

NO!
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Then he so smartly says: "What if I wait until the last day and do it"

(step on into my parlor said the spider to the fly)

NO! You have to be here every day to get credit for it!
BWAHAHAHAHA!

The next 12 days are going to be absolutely fun!

Light Up My Life

Can we speak of candles? I'm baking brownies and the smell is wafting through the house, sparking a discussion of how the candles you can buy that are supposed to smell like cookies or whatever never do. If they made some that REALLY smelled like brownies or chocolate chip cookies I would SO buy them. And probably try to eat them.

I'm thinking that the candles that smell like "Fresh Linen" (laundry) are of no use to me unless my MonsterInLaw is coming over and then I might light some up just to make her think I've been doing housework!

Hand to Mouth

Boys - think about this a minute

I know we hygiene-pushing girls (From you mom to your wife/girlfriend) nag all the time about washing your hands after you go to the restroom. Here is the one sobering thought that will probably make you as much a believer in post-potty cleanliness as us:

If you go pee, and you do not wash your hands, and you later put your hand to your mouth (or even in your mouth to lick off hot wing sauce) - you are essentially giving yourself a bj.

I'm just sayin'....

Ten Kinds of Freakshow in One CraigsList Post

My comments are bold italics - couldn't resist

Very Complicated Request, Please Kindly Read!!! - m4mw - 35
Reply to: anon-58988662@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-02-08, 8:53PM PST


If you are groggy or stoned please do not read this, (if you are not groggy or stoned, get that way quick, cuz you need to be in order to wrap your brain around this weirdness)
I need your complete and sober attention, for my request is uniquely detailed ("uniquely detailed" - read: insane).
I am a man, 35, white, black hair with brown eyes. Okay, first what I am looking for is a woman primary, but secondary it could be a woman and her man, but the man will have to remain behind the black curtain and only watch through the cut out eyeholes. (freakshow #1)
The black curtain is inside the apartment that I reside in. This apartment is a fashionable studio in the hot part of town (no a/c),
and all my neighbors are graphic artists (gang taggers).
So now please kindly listen to my request: what I require foremost in a woman with bushy eyebrows (freakshow #2).
And they must be TWO eyebrows, because one eyebrow is an abonination against Gaia (what? YOU are being picky about unibrowed women??? THAT's your dealbreaker???).
What I want is for the woman to become naked and pose herself before me (don't all men?).
I have a carpeted pedestal (old shag ottoman that homeskillet fished from the dumpster)
so her feet will not grow cold (how thoughtful of you).
I will present her with a very well preserved Mesopotamian bowl.(freakshow #3)
She will hold it and she must be careful not to drop it as it has to be back at the museum by 8am tomorrow (I am a worker there) (I bet you aren't now).
Next I will hand her tweezers.(freakshow #4)
Then she will pluck her eyebrows until her forehead is vacant. (like your skull/ freakshow #5)
The eyebrows will drift into the bowl and then I will take the bowl from her and go to my kitchenette. (freakshow #6)
I will then toss a salad into the bowl and mix the eyebrows in it. (freakshow #7)
The woman can decide the dressing, but I have only vinegrette and thousand island. (hmmmm. decisions, decisions - what kind of dressing DOES one put upon eyebrow salad, and will there be a soup course as well?)
Next I will re-present the bowl to the woman, along with a utensil, (probably a spork that you lifted from KFC)
and she will then consume the salad while I watch. I may masturbate during this part of the exercise. (freakshow #8)
However, if there is a man behind the black curtain he may not masturbate, and I will know if does because I will hear him. (what? do you have superhuman hearing now like the Bionic Woman?)
However, he is allowed to fantasize, and then he write an essay on his fantasies before I release him. (freakshow #9 - this is akin to the TAKS or SAT writing portion of the freakshow)
After the woman is finished with her salad, I will present her with a Qing dynasty teapot box, which she will open and deficate in. (I hope you're not grading the essay cuz you spelled defecate wrong - freakshow #10)
She must be careful with the box as well as it is also from the mueseum (again with the museum - go to the dollar store and buy your ancient teapot boxes and you won't have to worry about your job security)
and it must be returned or there will be trouble. (with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for POO!)
When she is finished she will return it to me, and I then I will bid her good-evening. That is all. Please send a photo, eyebrows only. I WILL NOT respond to any photos that include anything but eyebrows.

Please, serious inquiries ONLY. THIS IS NOT JOKE. So do not make funny replies to it. I have no patience for impertinence. Good day.

I'd also like to know who is going to wash that friggin' teapot box before it goes back to the museum?

Making Up

Ok, people, buy me something!

I just discovered a make-up line called Jesse's Girl Cosmetics (http://www.jessesgirlcosmetics.com) and I have decided that ALL my makeup needs to come from them. No shipping on orders over $20.

MyPoolBoy needs to get out his credit card.

Cialis, Seriously

Aside from the fact that Felix was hit upon with the line "I'm on Cialis and I have 6 hours left" this little pharmaceutical miracle (?) has prompted MyPoolBoy to spout forth his own wisdom.

The commercial warns that if you have an erection that lasts more than 4 hours you should consult a physician. MyPoolBoy mouths off that if he had an erection that lasted that long he would be having a party.

Why? So you could whack a pinata with it?

Siete Equis

That's 3 1/2 Dos Equis.it's all I can handle apparantly.

2 Things

1) Went on the walk-around town field trip with my class today. Left with 15 kids. Came back with 15 kids. Success! (Nowhere in the district employee handbook does it say it has to be the SAME 15 kids, either!)

2) There is an automatic paper towel dispenser in the ladies room at the bowling alley. One of those kinds that you put your hands under the light sensor-thingy and it spits out a ridiculously miniscule amount of paper towels for you. Half the time it doesn't work the first time your hands pass through the "field" (as if we were barcoded like a pack of gum at Walmart). This produces a martial-arts-like dance next to the sink by all who dare to attempt this slot machine of dryness. I would not have too much of a problem with it, except I think they should give us Kung Fu Fighting as background music. Or at least we should make a "brown belt" out of the paper towels for achieving any success whatsoever in our quest for dry hands.

Heavy Metal

Well, Moses had a staff that parted the sea. We've had staph in the field house. And now the staff went to a whole new place....The high school faculty faced off in the grand championship flag football game against the senior boys last night. I said it was the seniors vs. the senior citizens. That meant MyPoolBoy got to play against Lurch. It was hilarious to say the least. Lurch was talking smack and doing somersaults in front of MyPoolBoy to aggravate him.

I nicknamed it the metal bowl because of the silver hair and the various iron men and men of steel on the field (the iron and steel were in all the pins in knees, plates in necks, etc. on the old guys, mostly MyPoolBoy).

I told them they should have adopted new names like Ty Lenol, Jerry Tall, Ben Gay. I also offered to cheer De-Fense De-Fense for the seniors and De-Pends De-Pends for the faculty. It was not well-received. I think I am slightly underappreciated, don't y'all? Anyway, when their principal came out to hang out on the sidelines I heard MyPoolBoy ask him why he wasn't playing - I shot out that they were going to need SOMEONE still able to move a finger to dial subs for all of them tomorrow! Also not well-received.

Here's the punch line - the freaking faculty WON 21-20. HILARIOUS!

Not Bluffing

Here's how to beat MyPoolBoy at poker:

Wear a short skirt.

In the middle of an important hand, text him the message that I am wearing a thong.

I learned that from Ambre on Rock of Love. Who says there's nothing educational on TV anymore?

Bad in Bed?

So. Someone asked me if I thought MyPoolBoy looks like Rick Springfield...

Ummmm..... yes - when we are in bed together and my eyes are shut he looks EXACTLY like him!

Ok, I know, that was bad.

Aunty Em! Aunty Em!

There is something about tornadic activity on the Doppler radar that draws out the rednecks.

Thunderduck was on his way here from college and called us from a little past the halfway point. He said his first clue that there was a storm coming was when the black weather chaser vans with their big antennae came hauling a$$ past him on the highway. He decided to slow down and call us to see if he was heading into some kind of storm. We told him to stay where he was and let us call him to tell him when to head on in because we were going to watch the storm on the tv and yes, it was really a storm. Two, in fact. One was passing over us and another was headed his way in about 45 minutes so we wanted to keep him in between the two as he drove in.

So, he pulls over to a convenience store in a semi-small town and goes in to wait out the rain/hail and get a coke. Inside the store the rednecks had congregated. Thunderduck was beside himself and called me - "Mom, please can I leave yet? I'm having IQ points sucked from my brain just standing here!" Dumba$$ #1 comes running in from the hail and rain and decides he needs beer to calm his nerves. Dumba$$ #2 tells him that he thought it was letting up so they must be "in the eye of it" whereupon Dumba$$ #1 runs back out to his truck in the hail and rain to get the necessary funds to procure said beer. Natural Light being the beer of choice during just such an emergency, (like white wine with fish?) Dumba$$ #1 finds himself 6 cents short on money and is standing at the checkout line pondering is quandary. Dumba$$ #2 suggests that there might be money is HIS truck so HE runs out into the non-eye of the storm and digs around in the floorboards for the 6 cents. He triumphantly returned and there was much jubilation and celebration for the acquisition of beverages. Thunderduck at this point was DYING to leave. I told him that he should never look at being surrounded by lower-intelligence life forms as a necessarily BAD thing - it is ALWAYS to be embraced as an opportunity for blogging material.

You Are Not the Father

Maury Povich is proof that the white trash entertainment gods exist.

After reading a couple of posts on BannedCamp about topics like white trash wedding cars (shoepolished on the back window were the words "Just Married and Expecting") and the horrible names people give their offspring (Princess and Precious - giving rise to me remembering all the non-holy Jesuses and Angels and the especially ill-behaved Savior that have been through the halls of my school). So, of COURSE Maury was in order.

Well, the first chick was testing the 4th man, whom she met at a karaoke bar - he could not be there in person due to circumstances beyond his control (my translation: he is on parole and is not allowed to cross state lines)

Next chick - Forever (pronounced Fo'Evva) and her 3 children Eternity, Sincere, and Christopher (what the h3ll? CHRISTOPHER???? Were we having an off-day? Were there no perfume bottles around to inspire her?) Well - sperm donor #3 is not the father (surprise surprise)

SO during the commercial break, a Maury ad comes up to visit his website - where you can purchase little baby rompers with "I met my father on Maury" printed on them!

I want a t-shirt!

If You See My Mugshot on the News...

I told the secretary at school today that if they pile anything else on us this week, I will be identified as "The Shooter" in the news reports after I snap.

What My Obit Should NOT Say

I know that when I die, there will need to be some ground rules due to my questionable behavior while I am still alive. For instance, my obituary canNOT contain any euphemisms such as "crossing to the other side" -- which could be misconstrued as DrunkenFelix and I getting too drunk when we have to sleep in the same bed at the coast" and "sleeping with the Angels" is out because that could make folks think that I am still alive, just screwing a baseball team.

Remember the Alamo?

Gawd! Wendy's was a freakshow today! As dead as things have been blogwise, It is refreshing to know that I can count on our local fast food establishments to provide me with suitable material. First, after taking forfreaking ever to get waited on, I swung by the condiments counter to procure napkins, ketchup, and straws to enance my dining experience.

I got seated, and heard commotion to the left. Never one to pass up an opportunity to miss a potentially blog-able moment (a PBM), I eavesdropped like the nosy bi+ch that I am. So. There sits a mom, grandma, little sister, and the absolutely most obese 7-8 year old child that I have ever seen outside of a Maury Povich episode. Miss Piggy has already devoured her entire kids meal (except for the obviously nutritious choice of the Frosty) and is reaching over and taking fries from Little Sister. I noticed this because, as I mentioned before, there was a commotion at their table -- namely that when Mom started asking Little Sister some trivia questions from the toy/prize from the kids meal, MissPiggy interrupted LittleSister with a mouthful of LittleSister's own fries.

Mom: What is the last letter of the alphabet?
LittleSister (sweetly starting to sing the alphabet so that she can figure out what comes last): A B C D...
Only to have the fat hand of MissPiggy clamped over her mouth so that the attention whore could blurt out the answer with her mouth full of food - this time it was the rest of Mom's burger.

Now usually when there is an ill-behaved child in public, MyPoolBoy and I will wager a prediction that when the child hits 3rd grade, he/she will be placed in my class - "you'll get that one" is what I get told. This time however, I told MyPoolBoy that HE would probably "get that one" -- in ISS!

When they started packing up to go, I thought that all my inspiration was gone - NOT SO! A big ole' pickup truck drives up with all kinds of NRA stickers on the back bumper. The mudflaps have a Texas flag in the shape of Texas on them. Not the shape of the STATE of Texas - the shape of the REPUBLIC of Texas! Out of the truck slides my jean-and-moccasin-wearing subject/victim. He HAD to be like Davy Crockett Jr. the 6th or something. And he proceeds to take about 20 white 5-gallon buckets from the bed of the truck and put them into the cab of the truck- I am assuming so no dayum Yankee would steal them from him. Not that anyone in their right mind would even try - cuz I am pretty sure there was a gun or eight in that truck.

Writing on the Wall

Forgot that I had taken this picture.... It was on the outside wall of the restaurant where we ate before my stepgrandmother's funeral.

Felix was speaking to me.....

Time Magazine Cover - DISGRACEFULLY INAPPROPRIATE

I try not to let politics or controversial stuff infiltrate my blog too much, but this touched a personal nerve with me and PI$$ED ME OFF!

There's dumb and then there's stupid.

Apparently Time magazine is both.

Click the link below to go to the cover - underneath is a poll to vote/rate the cover. I gave it a 1 because there is no choice for 0. Editor got on Fox and said they would not pull the cover and: "There needs to be an effort along the lines of preparing for World War Two to combat global warming and climate change."

http://www.time.com/time/covers/0,16641,20080428,00.html

EFF YOU! Are you freaking kidding me?

I'm pretty sure he's not willing to let the military deliver a telegram of bad news to him after a loved one stormed a beach to win this "war." I bet he is not going to let himself be deafened permanently by the sounds of mortar rounds to defend the honor of a tree. I am guessing that being shot in the leg so that he is plagued by pain with every step he takes for the rest of his life would not be the price he is willing to pay to make others recycle. Or if he would - he's flat-out complete bat-sh1t crazy anyway.

I now want to go drive around all day in my SUV hauling a trailer full of chopped down trees, spraying aerosol, using styrofoam cups to drink coffee, and bag only one item per plastic bag at the grocery store in the hopes that I burn a hole is HIS "footprint" area of the ozone layer.

You know what buddy? There's no ozone layer in hell -- why don't you go there and get used to the "warming."

Here's the letter I wrote to letters@time.com

Dear Sirs:

I was dismayed to see the irreverent use of a tree in place of the American flag on your April 28 cover.
My stomach turned upon viewing your cover, because my uncle (a marine who brought home shrapnel and lifelong nightmares from Iwo Jima) was buried in April of last year. It was a FLAG and not a TREE that was draped over his casket.

Ironically, his birthday is April 30 - 2 days after your cover is dated. Happy birthday, Uncle W.

Please realize that though your Photoshopping graphics designers may be removed from the WWII era because of their youth or ignorance, there are still men and families in America who were touched by that war.

I hope you save a few trees in your "war" by not wasting the paper required to print the copies of this issue.


The only recycling that cover inspires me to do is using the magazine as toilet paper.

Squirrel Shots and Buttery Nipples

Last night at least gave me something to blog about. And I am not referring to what we drank. Let's just start things off with a photo that Felix snapped on her camera phone.

1) That is a BRA.
2) In a TREE. (on upper branch, right in the middle under the skinnier limb)
3) It is NOT MINE.

Part I: The Squirrel Shot - A new waitress was working our table on the patio- overwhelming at the least if a herd of tired, inebriated teachers are at one of your tables when it is your first night on a new job. Especially overwhelming if the tired, inebriated teachers are Lucilles.

So. MsWaitress is completely not getting our orders straight, mostly because, it turns out, she has not written them all on our tickets. She sits down in the chair next to mine and spreads the tickets onto the table like tarot cards. Let's see - *the faeries say today that thou shouldst not be a waitress*.

Well Felix's high school friend (I really think I must start calling her PreFriend - she is a friend that Felix had previous to me) is sitting across the table. Felix is in the chair next to MsWaitress at the end of the table where the "reading" is taking place. As Felix patiently (patience is the skill that Felix has gained from being friends with me!) tries to help her sort out the tickets, PreFriend looks up and notices that MsWaitress is sitting in her chair in a most unladylike manner. To add to PreFriends viewing pleasure, MsWaitress has on a short skirt. And as if THAT weren't enough, MsWaitress was also not wearing any undies!!!!!!!!!!! PreFriend gets Felix's attention and gets her to look down at MsWaitress's lap - and Felix pretty much gags and laughs herself to death. Laughter that included snorting. Clueless, MsWaitress goes in to settle all the tickets and ring everyone (except us) out. She emerges moments later and informs us that they (the boss/manager/whatever???) have told her that she is done for the night. No way. I can't imagine. So she sits down and has a drink with us. WTH????

Part II: The Buttery Nipples - After MsWaitress left, some other regulars sit down at the table next to ours and have a birthday party for one of their friends. Felix and I are driving them crazy to open the gift that is so beautifully wrapped and displayed upon the table. We cajole them into shaking it, peeking under the wrapping paper, everything - until she finally opened it. And it was a stuffed purple monkey that had velcro hands so you could hang it onto stuff - and it had a button to push that made it scream and screech. It was highly anti-climatic because Felix owns about 4 of them - like a BaskinRobbins of screaming velcro monkeys.
Anyhoo, the subject of buttery nipples came up and BigBoy over at the birthday table hollers into the little window to the kitchen to the cook to bring him some butter. The cook comes out - BigBoy opens his shirt - and I would like to say that you can imagine what happened next - and it did, but uuuuuuugggggghhhhh! Full body shiver...

Truth About Cats & Dogs

Felix tried to convince me that her new puppy probably can't go with her to visit MrFelix & Scooter cuz the other dogs would be jealous if NewPuppy got to go somewhere and they didn't. "Dogs KNOW" she told me.

Yeah. Well, cats know, too. However, if we take Weasel anywhere the CATS are not upset at all. In fact they send us a thank you note.

Hand Fart Jukebox

This guy is amazing -

Select your favorite tune!

Bohemian Rhapsody - by Queen
Baby, What'd I Say - by Ray Charles
Money - by Pink Floyd
I Feel Good - by James Brown
Yakety Sax - by Boots Randolph
William Tell Overture
Take On Me - by A-Ha
Flight of the Bumblebee
You Shook Me All Night Long - by AC/DC
Spanish Flea - by Tijuana Brass
Feels So Good - by Chuck Mangione
Sweet Child Of Mine - by Guns N Roses
Helter Skelter - by The Beatles
The Final Countdown - by Europe
Baby One More Time - by Britney Spears
Crazy Train - by Ozzy Osbourne
For Once in My Life - by Stevie Wonder
I Second That Emotion - by Smokey Robinson
Gonna Fly Now (Theme from Rocky)
Don't Stop Believing - by Journey
Theme from James Bond 007
Sleepwalk - by Santo and Johnny
Walk This Way - by Aerosmith
Stayin' Alive - by The Bee Gees
Rockit - by Herbie Hancock
Axel F - by Harold Faltermeyer
Start Me Up - by The Rolling Stones

and of course .... Too Much Time on My Hands - by Styx

Alas...

I have exactly NOT MUCH to blog about lately. MyPoolBoy and I have been out a few times and I have been inebriated to the point of hilarity, yet I either cannot remember what was so funny the night before to blog about it, or upon retrieving my state of sobriety the next a.m., I find that it really wasn't that funny anyway. (Except one of Thunderduck's friends from high school told me that he couldn't call me mom when I was standing across from him looking hot - the poor child must've remembered it the next week, cuz at poker he did not say 2 words to me and wouldn't look me in the face - MyPoolBoy and I were laughing pretty bad at that one!)

Banned Camp has been a little slow this week (with the exception of the PrisonBoard postings - "if you can't spell conjugal visit, you can't have one" and the chick whose Boo sent her his underwear from Death Row.

I can't even find anything good on YouTube because I am at least a LITTLE bit selective in my entertainment choices, and I do not consider breakdancing videos to be worthy of my viewing - fishing through the VideosBeingWatched and FeaturedVideos isn't turning up anything good, even.

Except this:


Points to consider:
A) obviously in a trailer
B) pole not secured correctly (probably had duct tape involved)
C) wearing the required wife-beater uniform
D) can't tell if she flips them the bird at the end or has up 2 fingers (as if she is counting herself out)
E) not me

I Swear to Dog

Weasel will NOT quit licking/chewing on her legs.

I'm gonna take her down to Colonel Sanders and get them breaded and deep-fried so that she can go ahead and finish them off.

Unmentionables

So here is one more thing that MyPoolBoy did to suck up for the "gravity" comment - I dragged him to the lingerie department of a store here in town and we got pretty close to being kicked out. It was just TOO funny some of the crap we found. I laughed so hard I cried and couldn't breathe.

1) Size 3X thong (DAYUM!)
2) Size 2 thong (the "why bother" panties)
3) Camouflage teddy (for "dear" hunting, or if your trailer doubles as a deer blind)
4) Bright orange thong (so that you don't get shot wearing the camouflage teddy)
5) Bunny costume (complete with a big tail sewn onto the back of the panties and fur sewn onto the front)
6) The best: a CLEARANCE RACK! The fact that a clearance rack even EXISTED sent me right over the edge. Why just be a slu+ when you can be a CHEAP slu+?!?!?!?!

Take Your Foot Out of Your Mouth

So that you can apologize!

MyPoolBoy has testosterone poisoning that has made him permanently stupid. The latest proof? We're watching Rock Of Love (shut up - that shi+ is funnier than Comedy Central) and Heather from season 1 comes on in a vampy plunging neckline dress.

MyPoolBoy says: "What kind of bra would you need so that we could get you a dress like that?"
I respond: "I don't think you wear a bra with a dress like that, dear, I'd probably have to get implants like hers to make it look like that."
And he replies: "Well, I guess when you get older gravity starts to move things down, huh?"

I know.

And yet he lives. Let this be Exhibit A that I am a very patient, forgiving person. I even refrained from inquiring why gravity wasn't pulling anything down on him. I'm a bi+ch, but I can be a filtered bi+ch.

In retribution he has paid for it by buying me new clothes and taking me to lunch. I also pulled up a plastic surgeon's website and looked at before & after breast implant surgeries. I decided he needs to shut up. I look better than some of the AFTER pictures - and I am 40 years old.

Pop Video

This is quite possibly one of the most disturbing videos I've ever seen on YouTube - you have been warned.

can't. breathe. laughing. too. hard.

omgfunny! Amy Winehouse???? Do not attempt to consume a beverage while watching this - it WILL end up spewed onto your computer screen!

Election 2008

"Vote for me" is about all I can understand!

But she's wearing a BLUE DRESS! BWAHAHAHAHA!

For the girls...

T-shirt ideas for us at the coast - at least for Felix and Baloney!



Also think I'll get Felix a set of pink and black plastic cups and superglue rhinestones to it - and some pink and black ping pong balls to make her a complete set for her birthday!

Finally

A new Tarnnia with Granny!



"Six mutha *effin* raisins"
Classic Granny.

I Am On the Bobsled...

to Hell

Because I think this is HILARIOUS!

You Think YOUR Life is Crappy?

This is a big ol' box of effed up

Fox News: Woman in Bathroom for TWO YEARS

The officer's name is WHIPPLE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Banned Camp is all a-buzz:
"Where did the boyfriend go potty?"
"What did he say when people asked how his girlfriend was?"
"Did she have anything to read in there?"
"That took commitment"
and the best one -
"A tightrope walker is crossing between two high rise buildings in New York and five hundred miles away a guy is getting a blowjob from a woman stuck on a toilet seat for two year, BUT they're thinking the EXACT SAME THING........... don't look down."

Ok - so I thought this out too much cuz I want to know why she stayed there ALL the time - did he never go anywhere either?

Did this start as a race to the can and he was NOT going to get to use his own toilet as long as she could help it? Was it a battle of wills? (certainly not one of wits)

I can only surmise that he had to have NO job and she couldn't get up without him getting back in there.

Otherwise, I would get up as soon as he left for work and then run back in there when I heard the truck pull up in the drive...

She did this ALL wrong...

I Drink. You Can't Judge Me.

Chunk was in the shower one evening and I kept hearing all this banging around in there - knocking into the shower walls / slipping sounds.

I fearfully asked him what all the noise was and he admitted to me that he had Weasel (our little chihuahua-sized dog) in there with him. He kept banging around cuz she kept trying to get out and he was slipping trying to keep her in there.

Chunk thought she needed a bath and he just put her in there with him to kill two birds with one stone.

Of course, this is the same child that I asked how often he used shampoo in his hair and he replied "every time I shower" and I (with trepidation) asked how often THAT was and he said "at least once a ... week"

Another Reason Why I Love Felix

Girl is out with flu/pneumonia/crud. I called and left a voicemail in my best Cool Runnings voice: "Felix, are you dead, mon?"

She called and left me a congested shaky voicemail in return that said: "Hey, it's me, I'm in Vegas and winning lots of money with my new best friend *DrunkerThanMe* so... SORRY - Guess I'll see you when I get back."

I swear even on our Craftmatic Adjustable Beds we'll still harass each other.

This Counts, Doesn't It?

I think that a restraining order from Rick Springfield would be just as good as a fan club membership certificate.

Day Late, Dollar Short

Well, looks like someone else beat me to another one of my million-dollar ideas...

Ultimate White Trash Tattoo

I think that a tattoo of a thong across my backside would be a real time-saver, don't y'all?

Felix says I can have no more alcohol. Ever.

The Ultimate White Trash Hairstyle

Wouldn't this be great.... a mullet AND a rat tail

Thunderduck called it a Mull Rat

Diet Coke Break

Forgot a little news from the meeting today -
We were informed that the "real" construction on the new school building could begin as early as next week...

That means the middle-aged, plumber-pants-wearing, beer-gut men driving forklifts and bobcats will be gone - and replaced by REAL construction workers - about 25 years of age with hammers and no shirts.

This Girl Can't Help It

They should just ban me from faculty meetings. The problem is, I am a smart-mouth. Especially when I am bored. And let's face it, faculty meetings are boring.

So.
Principal announces to the paras that on our 1/2 day inservice next week, one of the school board members will be SOMEWHERE in the district presenting a workshop to help them if they are interested in obtaining a degree/certification. They are not sure WHERE she will be as of yet, but just let them know if you are seeking a degree.
And WTP says: You will be given a map, a compass, and a sack lunch. If you can find where she is (like Waldo), then you get the degree!

Also - we had to watch the training video for the new AED device (defibrillator). Please understand that if anything bores the WTP more than a faculty meeting, it is a training video at a faculty meeting.
We were assured that we would probably not have to worry about ever having to use it ourselves because there were lots of CPR trained staff on campus who would be able to do it - D@mn! I wanted it to use like a cattle prod on some of my less cooperative students.

Then they offer us the opportunity to go through CPR training AFTER school on XYZ days - uh, no.
The only dummy I'll be putting my lips on during my off-hours would be MyPoolBoy. And sometimes DrunkenFelix.

Also - this big announcement: We will add this AED video to our yearly beginning-of-the-year training video watching. Woo Hoo! A triple feature! Blood-borne Pathogens in the Workplace/ Diabetes and You / AED Device

I think I'll need popcorn AND Milkduds.

Oh THIS Sucks!

Listen to the announcers before she gives her answer. Oops!
All the players are laughing at him.... and then he gets escorted off the court by some giant-a$$ mouse/bear creature.
Watch to the end and you'll see that at least someone bought the poor sumbi+ch a big ole beer!

FreeCycle Laughs

2 posts on FreeCycle boards today cracked my a$$ totally up

1) Wanted: Wedding Dress - upon further reading, we learn that the posting person is getting married in July and needs size 22-24 dress with sleeves.

Not only is she ok with a used wedding dress, she needs a BIG used wedding dress!

2) Wanted: Single Man Camper, Old is OK

I don't even need to add comments on this one. Funny how a simple hyphen would have made all the difference in that post!

Sad News

There was a car wreck out on the highway yesterday and 3 teens were killed, including a former student of mine. My student's Mom was driving - they say the weather caused it, I'm just sick. I also taught her younger son with my "loop" class 3rd/4th grade.

Younger brother was with dad. Baby brother is in a different hospital from mom.

I always knew that this day would come sooner or later - I just always hoped it would be MUCH later

I wish I didn't love all my kids so much...

Prayers would be appreciated.

White Trash Guitar

Feathers for Felix

Felix keeps telling everyone that she's finding feathers from my boa all over her house since the big 4-0 debauchery. My new layout is in her honor - cuz she is sick with the flu or something today.

Baby You Can Drive My Car

After a few glasses of wine & beer at the PlaceWhereIAmNotAllowedToYellTheFWordAnymore, DrunkenFelix and I began to plot a 25th anniversary celebration for MyPoolBoy and me.

1) We will have to go to Vegas. Felix and I and MyPoolBoy if there is enough money.

2) We will coordinate the timing with a Rick Springfield concert. MyPoolBoy will get Rick to propose to me onstage. This is a diversion from MyPoolBoy proposing to me, cuz Felix decided I would much rather marry Rick if I had a 2nd chance at marriage.

3) The wedding will be performed by an Elvis impersonator at one of those cheesy Vegas/ Graceland chapels.

4)I will lose my virginity to Rick Springfield. At this point MyPoolBoy is no longer involved in his own anniversary at all. What adds to the miraculousness of this part of the plot is the fact that my uterus is practically a clown car after 4 kids, so I don't know how we're going to handle the whole revirgination deal.

Here is where the list was interrupted by someone DrunkerThanMe. DrunkerThanMe decided that we were really fun people - she had been eavesdropping for a while. She began drunkenly singing Jessie's Girl and hugging all over us, her new best friends. We got up to go about the same time that she did, and we noticed that she was in no condition to walk, much less drive. Felix managed to get her keys and MyPoolBoy and I got her out the door to find her car. We were going to have me drive her home in her car and Felix was going to ride in the back and MyPoolBoy was going to follow in the truck, but it was a stick shift so Felix and I switched places - besides Felix said I would be better at being the talk-y bi+ch in the back seat and she could do the driving.

Got DrunkerThanMe home and I asked her to show me the restroom to stall her out of the room while Felix hid her keys behind a picture frame on the counter. DrunkerThanMe went to go get something out of the kitchen and Felix and I high-tailed it out of there.

H3ll I hope that girl didn't have to go anywhere anytime soon. At least she made it home alive.

Cereal Killer

Thanks to my email complaint to the cafeteria director, they will no longer be serving cereal as a lunch entree option to the kids at school.

I am the cereal killer.

Valentine's Drama

First announcement came at about 8:45 - Do not allow students to distribute suckers on puppy/kitty valentines from Dollar General as they have been recalled.

Next announcement was at 9:30ish - Please take up any SpongeBob valentines from HEB as they have been recalled also.

Another announcement at 10ish - Do not pass out Looney Tunes candy necklace or candy bracelet Valentines as these are also on the recall list.

Finally - take up all candy attached to Valentines. A letter will go home to parents who want to come pick up the candy later to take home.

My guess is that the little bite sized Snickers will mysteriously disappear.

Also - after school, one of the girls in another class is standing outside with her Valentine's box. It has been covered in mint-green paper and scrawled across the end of the box with purple marker "Love Hurts"

I guess it does when you are 8 years old and the school personnel takes up all your Valentine's candy!

Oh Macy Gray.....

I swear that's what this ole boy says! Did they break up? Did she try to say goodbye and HE choked?

Seriously, one of the most fitful laughing attacks I've had in a while... You MUST watch to the end because he tries to spice it up a little - the folks who sing along are a true testimony to MERCY - all the amens are because someone FINALLY came and took his mike away.



Poor dude sounds like a cat being dragged backwards by its tail through a pool of jalapeno juice with its eyes wide open.

Celebrity Look-Alikes

Ok, so here is who I supposedly resemble (74% Raquel Welch! WTF!)


But here's the best part:
MyPoolBoy looks like Albert Einstein, Al Pacino, and Snoop Dogg!!!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Well.... yum

oops... now there's drool on the keyboard

I'm having impure thoughts....