Wednesday, November 26, 2008

How to Win Drinks and Influence People

Here is the latest tidbit of wisdom to spew forth from the font of knowledge that I loving refer to as my sage, all-knowing friend, DrunkenFelix:

I have no morals, will you buy me a beer?

This could very well be classified as a pick-up line to rival I'm-on-Cialis and may-I-pet-your-weasel.

Let's just say you know someone is DUH-RUNK (2 syllables) when they are telling you repeatedly for a 20-minute tirade taking up several precious moments of your lifetime that you are their BEST FRIEND EVER. No, seriously you don't understand, you are their best friend ever.

Edited to add: I just spewed coffee on my already effed-up laptop screen because she left me a voicemail on my phone. All she says is: Hey call me and let me know how the night ended.

This officially goes down in history as the best voicemail I have ever received.
Coffee. Through the nose. Ouch.

You know you had fun if you can't remember anything.
Well, let me see... after we bailed you out of jail and found your pants.....

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Starry Starry Plight

I'm calling Felix by another name this week.

Her dogs that she treats too well (when I die please God let me come back as one of Felix's dogs) got in a real-live honest-to-goodness bi+ch fight because 2 of them are in heat. So they ganged up on one of the old fat porn dogs and bit her bad enough that she needed stitches in 10 places.

Felix, being the dog-whisperer that she is, jumped right smack into the middle of this canine throwdown and got bit. On the left ear. Requiring 4 stitches. And a huge-a$$ bandage.

$600 later I am laughing at her and calling her Vincent (Van Gogh). Because I am that kind of friend.

Maybe I should get her an Elizabethan collar so she won't lick her stitches! I will paint the scene of Starry, Starry Night on it to make it pretty. Or get her some sunflowers.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Holiday Gift-Giving

So there's a MetLife or somethingorother commercial that goes through stages of gift-giving in a relationship along these lines:

I like you
I really like you
I love you
I will always love you

And then comes the plug for the life insurance - the gift that keeps on giving

NO.
This is the gift that says: You need to die because I need some money to pay for all these gifts.

Holiday Spirit

Is this guy related to me?

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Buckle Up

Last night I got just drunk enough to sit on the toilet to pee and think that I needed to put on my seatbelt.

Yet I was just sober enough to realize that I was on the toilet and not, in fact, in a vehicle of any kind. I started laughing mid-pee.

Yeah, I think I pretty much was the answer to the infamous "why's the rum gone" question

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

There's Always a Tangle in the Plan

Testosterone Patch Restores Libido in Postmenopausal Women

Well, this article title sounds promising - until you read to about the 3rd paragraph where it mentions the side-effect: unwanted hair growth. So, now you've got this sex drive like never before, but your Chewbacca-lookin' self is a real deal-breaker with any reasonable man.