Sunday, August 30, 2009


Well. This is a long post, but very enlightening. The day started normally enough. I went to breakfast as usual for a Saturday at the bakery with MyPoolBoy. Then I drank FOUR cups of coffee. I guess I was trying to fill the void I felt from lack of studying with some caffeine. See, I had to go take the ESL teacher certification test yesterday and let's just say it did not go well. I started off jittery (could it possibly have been from all that java?) and, as I later discovered, PMSing. So by the time we drove to the BigCity and spent 30 minutes looking for the place, MyPoolBoy yelling at me because we were lost, I was not in a testing mood. Ran in to find what room I was supposed to be in and then dashed like mad for the nearest bathroom, as my bladder and kidneys were sufficiently caffeinated for a rhinoceros. Came out and reported to MyPoolBoy (who I was still mad at for yelling at me right before a test) that my urine smelled like coffee and frustration.

Went and took the test in a room whose air conditioning unit was sucking all the electricity in the western hemisphere because it ran CONSTANTLY and must have been set on about 35 degrees. DownUnder was there -- she was nervous -- said that she was just considering it her "trial run." 9 questions into the test, I found crap that I had never heard of before. Confidence levels, already shot from being yelled at, went to an all-time low by question 21 when I discovered more shi+ that was not covered in the training academy. Question 26 was something we were told we didn't have to worry about, this was ESL, not bilingual, blah blah blah --- guess they were wrong. I was ok with it, but I was expecting to see DownUnder have an episode that would get her removed from the facility and cause her test scores to be voided without refund.

In all, I counted 7 questions that were not covered in the training or in the training materials/manual. I knew 4 of them just because I know some Spanish and I teach Language Arts. But I was pissed off. And I was freezing. I had taken a sweater, but I was STILL LITERALLY SHIVERING, sitting cross-legged with my feet tucked up under my legs to keep my toes from getting frostbite.

Finished 70 questions in less than 90 minutes. Changed about 25 answers 3 times. Left feeling less confident than I ever have about a test. Wow. Mediocrity sucks.

Met MyPoolBoy at the truck and instructed him that I needed alcohol -- STAT! Went to an Olive Garden and began by ordering a glass of chianti and stuffed mushrooms. Then I figured it would be a good idea to text some of the Lucilles and my new teaching partner, Duckit (there is a whole story here that I will have to explain later). Here's what I discovered on my phone this morning:

(5:33 pm - Me) Done with esl test. Exam was administered in a meat locker. Core body temp fell to nearly debilitating low. Will continue in next text. (first glass of chianti was gone at this point)
(5:38 pm - Duckit) 2 bad u didn't freeze nto a popsicle stick we could make a documentary about the trials & tribulations of exemplary teachrs (there's a story with the popsicle stick, too -- lord I'm behind on blogging!)
(5:41 pm - Me) Pt. 2 - fat bi+ch administering exam did not care that i had frostbite. 10 --wtf there's no percent sign-- of the stuff we did not cover in training.
(5:45 pm - Duckit) Probably field ?s no worries if i passd so shall u grab a coffee on your way home 2 thaw out (here she is still sweetly and naively responding to each of my texts, silly girl! I laughed at the coffee suggestion - partly because I was NOT drinking coffee, and also because I was just starting to get my urinary tract to end its quest to visit every restroom on the east side of the BigCity)
(5:50 pm - Me) Pt. 3 - i'm screwed. Glass #2 of chianti has arrived at my table. Im warmer and i don't give a shi+. Oh well All i get are psycho students, not esl anyway (punctuation and capitalization rules are clearly beyond my grasp by glass #2)
(6:07 pm - Me) Pt. 4 - if i get arrested at olive garden 4 public intox i can just sit it out cuz i have 49.5 days of state leave. TeachingPartner, ur blog name is gonna b Duckit! (I now have lapsed into full-blown middle school cheerleader texting mode)
(6:10 pm - Bi+chslap) Im sure u/it will b fine enjoy wine & food & as da mob would say foget about it
(6:13 pm - Me) Pt. 5 - (the second glass of chianti is gone) MyPoolBoy won't carry me out of olive garden - Duckit, rustill in the BigCity to come get me? (notice I have now added lack of spacing to my phone text error repertoire)
(then we went across the street so MyPoolBoy could shop for tools and I found a thrift store!)
(6:17 pm - Me) Am now ddrunk shopping at a thrift store. This shi+ is not in dress code. Felix the bra sniffer guy is not here today (note the double d in drunk -- loss of keystroke control!)
(6:18 pm - Duckit) I thought of alcohol it would warm u up but im not one 2 push people towards drnkng please dont get arrestd...
(6:19 pm - Me) this was a picture mail, inspired by a Crayola Crayon maker. I had decided that my friends needed to see the first thing I saw that was interesting to my drunken self. The message read: Pt. 7? Who wants it?
(6:21 pm - Felix) What is it and how much
(6:23 pm - Baloney) What the heck is it WTP you are my saturday night entertainment its this or watch the little league world series
(6:24 pm - Me) Crayola maker 5 bucks
(6:24 pm - Felix) Buy it
(6:25 pm - Me) no message, just a photo of the infamous sniffed black bras
(6:25 pm - Felix) no
(6:25 pm - Duckit) I vote u buy it we r actually home but heading 2 school now would be a good time 2 leave a Packmule Trail (omg I have to explain THIS one too!) u can always blame it on the alcohol
(6:36 pm - Me) another picture mail - this was where I went all Vogue on them and began a fashion shoot in the dressing room stall. I was wearing leopard print pants, a brown camisole with FUR around the bustline, a white fur hat, and leopard print platform heel shoes that I couldn't get in the shot. Duckit later told me that she thought I was in the men's restroom!
(6:37 pm - Felix) omg
(6:38 pm - Bi+chslap) what the h3ll is on ur head
(6:38 pm - Me) picture of the shoes
(6:39 pm - Felix) double omg
(6:43 pm - Me) I probably now have lice from putting that hat on but who cares? I have 49.5 state days
(7:09 pm - Duckit) U look cougarlicious

Cougarlicious. I love her.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Tabling the Issue

Thunderduck is freakin' out for a napkin or kleenex. SnotFace just picked his nose and was fixin' to wipe the boogers on the table. I told him that's what he gets for teaching him not to eat them.

While I was Away (YouTube)

Bullet dodged.

This guy's mom is probably grateful that he didn't marry this chick and produce stupid grandchildren. All chances of "My grandbaby is an honor student" bumper stickers would have been out the window with one slipped sperm.

Is MyPoolBoy Famous Now?

I totally promise you, despite the receding hairline, the slit-down-the-sides shirt, cartful of beer and cokes, and the fact that Mr. Walmart is walking toward a RED TRUCK -- that this is NOT MyPoolBoy. Edited to Add - Thunderduck just pointed out that it can NOT be MyPoolBoy because there is not enough back hair BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go HERE:


Just a small sampling of the kind of mood I've been in lately.

funny pictures of cats with captions
see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Somebody Check Hell

I think their thermostat may have gone out. My nasty filthy tomcat Donny just got caught actually bathing himself. A first for the year, I think.

Monday, August 24, 2009


So. We were at the Mexican food restaurant down the street from our house and they had the tv on some Chinese kung fu-type movie.

In Spanish.

With English subtitles.

I promise you, people, I can't make this shi+ up.

The only way this could've possibly been any better is if the English subtitles had been in text-message shorthand lingo, or ValleySpeak, or Ebonics.

Saturday, August 15, 2009