Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I’m Pretty Sure My Sister Has Been Abducted by Aliens

So my sister Pepita got married this past weekend. 


There is very little proof. There’s like a whole “is Elvis really dead?” cloud of mystery and hush-hush and conspiracy theory over the whole thing.  It’s like it never really happened, that’s what I think. 

No one I know that she knows (except QueenB) seems to have been there.  In fact one of her Facebook friends posted that she didn’t get invited to the wedding and she’s dealing with it but could Pepita at least post some pictures?  Hello???? – I’m her SISTER and I didn’t get invited.  We got told it was a “small wedding” and I put “wedding” in quotes because it is obvious that “wedding” is alien code for “abduction” and “small” is code for “no witnesses, especially that tall blond one because she gets mouthy and writes a blog.”  

QueenB posted some pictures the next morning but there were only 8 of them and honestly, they all look like the same poses.  Only of Pepita and her betrothed and one other guy who I presume is supposed to be the “minister” which is alien code for “leader.”  And I bet they were Photoshopped because there is not really any background – it’s all dark and mysterious and sh1t.  Like the lunar landing.  

Also, QueenB changed her profile pic to one of Pepita’s daughter in a flower girl dress but it looks all stiff and contrived and I am afraid that it is the BatBoy from Weekly World News in a dress and then someone Photoshopped (or worse yet, TRANSPLANTED) the little one’s head onto it to hide the evidence that she, too has been abducted. 

Bat_Boy (BatBoy - not to scale)

So then Monday night Pepita responds to her FB friend with a message that the pictures are posted.  A whole album.  And she tagged them all.  And FB Friend responds – NO we can’t see them.  To which there is no response from Pepita.  

So yesterday, there was another FB Friend who posted that we were still waiting for pictures.  And still, no response from Pepita.  In fact, besides the minimal “I posted the pictures” claims on Facebook and her last name being changed (presumably to throw us all off the trail), she seems to have been eliminated from the planet altogether.

Before the “wedding,” she was upset because all the wives at Stepford Baptist Church were whispering about her.  What there were whispering was “You’re next.”  

Note: This is a shameless blatant ridiculous attempt to get my sister to post wedding photos.  Any relation to other characters real (BatBoy) or fictitious (Elvis) is merely “coincidental.”  Which we all know is alien code for “conspiracy.” 

Saturday, July 09, 2011

Ever Get a Song Stuck in Your Head?

Ok.  So you all know that MyPoolBoy and Felix claim that I am the dumbest smart person they know.  Sometimes I unwittingly oblige their theory by doing something really dumb.  Today’s something really dumb involved cheap-a$$-5-for-a-dollar-knock-off-Superglue and pineapple Smirnoff Ice. 

I know.  That’s a blog waiting to happen. 

I was nonchalantly minding my own business cleaning the pool, doing laundry, checking Facebook, and exfoliating so that I could go tan before the tanning place closed.  I decided that in order to accomplish all my tasks for the day I needed a musical soundtrack provided by my mp3 player.  Which is really not originally my mp3 player but one that I more or less inherited after MyPoolBoy got a new phone that held/played music and I tried to “fix” my old mp3 player after it got stuck on the startup screen when I dropped it on the driveway when I was exiting the Beemer one afternoon and then when I tried to reset it with a pen and the end of the pen was too big and it cracked the case the whole dayum thing got stuck on like volume level 27 which was great in the Beemer with the top down but mass-murder on the ears with earphones.

So.  I got wired up with a good playlist and began to clean the pool.  Then I got wired up some more by cracking open a bottle of pineapple Smirnoff Ice leftover from the 4th of July.  Then I continued merrily along on my to-do list by throwing the sheets in the washer. Halfway into the bottle I get the inkling to give myself a little mini-facial with some Mary Kay mask, so I squeezed a fistful of green goop out of the tube and proceeded to slather it all over my face.  I washed my hands off and was bee-bopping on through the house because 3/4 of the way through the bottle I was freakin’ Stevie Nicks at the Edge of Seventeen with green crap on my face.  Suddenly and without warning, freakin’ Stevie Nicks at the Edge of Seventeen with green crap on my face felt an urgent need to check Facebook.  So I went to the Pink Room and sat down with my mp3 player in my back pocket and the earphone wire stretched across my back and shoulders to log on.  And I about gave myself whiplash because the earphone wire wouldn’t stretch like that and it snapped my neck backwards like I was in a head-on collision at Daytona.  

At this point it was necessary to do 2 things: 1) wash the green crap off of my face and 2) find out why my earphone wire was being so uncooperative.  As soon as my face was freshly cleansed, I used the bright lights of the bathroom to investigate the earphone wire issue.  Tangled.  Like a labyrinthal mass that even Hansel and Gretel couldn’t bread-crumb their way out of.  So I began the tedious task of unknotting the wires.  

I pulled.  I plucked.  I twisted.  I yanked.  

I shouldn’t have yanked.  

I had the wires untangled but I had managed to pull the cap-thingy off of one of the earbuds in the process.  It came off pretty cleanly,  I must say.  And BONUS!  The wires were all still attached.  This will be easy to fix!  

I took my newly untangled earphones to the craft room and sat down with a tube of cheap-a$$-5-for-a-dollar-knock-off-Superglue and the bottom of the bottle of Smirnoff Ice to begin engineering what was foreseeably going to be my greatest repair job of the summer.  After twisting the glue-encrusted top off of the little blue tube with a pair of pliers, I gained access to the magical concoction inside that held promise for me that my summer listening experience was not going to be cut short because of a mere inebriated moment of wire-yanking.  Glue applied deftly to rim of earbud, care taken not to get it on the wires that were soon to be enclosed tightly inside, I congratulated myself for being so clever and for only getting a little drop or two on my fingers.  I held the plastic pieces in place, noting how long it was taking the glue on my fingers to dry before releasing the clamp-down that I had on the earbud.  Dry!  Fixed!  Success! 

I then decided to test and make sure the wires were functioning as they should, so I put the newly repaired earbud into my left ear and heard Captain and Tenille lilting through!  Yea, me!  

However…. when I attempted to REMOVE the newly repaired earbud from my left ear it was GLUED TO MY EAR.  Apparently the instantaneous-stick-yourself-to-a-construction-beam-with-a-drop-of-glue-on-a-hardhat is only instantaneous if you are using REAL SUPERGLUE, not cheap-a$$-5-for-a-dollar-knock-off-Superglue.  Just so you know - cheap-a$$-5-for-a-dollar-knock-off-Superglue may SEEM to be dry on your fingertips, but it is, in fact, not entirely dry if you insert it into your ear canal.  

So I stripped the earbud and the upper epidermal layer from my left ear as I was being lulled with “Love Will Keep Us Together.”  

No, Toni Tenille, my dear.  I beg to differ - cheap-a$$-5-for-a-dollar-knock-off-Superglue will keep us together.

Saturday, July 02, 2011

White Trash Emergency Beer Cooler

This is what happens when you need to keep your drinks cold and you are on the 3rd floor of the beach house and you don't want to go all the way downstairs to where the coolers are on the 1st floor because you are too dayum lazy (read: drunk) and besides, there is a SNAKE down there holding the beer hostage.  

Genius, albeit inebriated genius, you must admit it is genius nonetheless! 

Friday, July 01, 2011

Just so you know…..

If you have an ipod in your pocket and you run the headphone wire across the front of you with the earphone in the opposite-side ear from the pocket containing the ipod, and then you go to the restroom and leave the wire dangling in the front of you, you WILL zip the wire up in your fly when you get ready to leave the restroom causing total strangers to kindly tell you that you have your ipod wire zipped into your fly of your pants because your FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES are just laughing at you behind your back and have let you walk around like that for Gawd knows how long.