Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Dear Dumb Bi+ch 02.27.07

Picture it - the meeting our grade level had this a.m. with our campus admin

RE: The information we heard from the LOWER grade levels who were invited to attend a workshop to jump on the latest language arts bandwagon for our district (whereby we will be teaching all subjects, including math, through reading!) and at which the presenter told everyone that if a student is not on grade level by the time they leave you it is your fault as a teacher (which I don't personally have a problem with, because for our grade it is mandated by the state anyway!)

Dear Dumb Bi+ch:

In light of your overwhelming expertise in the field of elementary curriculum (from your administrative post-graduate degree after spending a few years teaching high school music!), I have the following issue with the latest language arts program that you are shoving down our throats. It has been brought to my attention that this new upheavel in our teaching methods is all "supported by scientific research." I would like to interject that the existence of Bigfoot is supported by scientific research also, but that doesn't mean that I am going to jump in on that line of crap either!

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Drunker. Than. Me.

Felix and I went to the new sports bar downtown after school on Friday. Corporal Punishment was supposed to start playing at 7:20 pm, so we deemed ourselves to be their unofficial designated stalkers and go hang out and listen to them. Upon walking in, we immediately felt the x-ray vision of about 20 eyes on our chest areas. The place was full of geezers and a couple of rednecks. No other women except the waitress. We decided to stake out a table near the front where the band was to be set up, and around 5pm the manager introduced Jose - a guy he had hired off the street to perform as the warm-up act. By this time a few more Lucilles had shown up and of course we had had enough beer to make us immediately screech "Jose the Betrayer" and raise our glasses/bottles to the poor dude. He was pretty good, but he was TOO DAYUM LOUD and we couldn't talk. Add that to the choking visible smoke in the place (which I contend was not smoke but palpable testosterone) and we felt the need to retreat to the familiar confines of the R-Bar and get something to eat.

So across Main Street we stumbled, walking right in front of the police station, and around the corner to our comfort zone. MyPoolBoy showed up a few minutes later, and we got something to eat, and I downed a Princess Martini and got to wear my boa and tiara for a while. After the Lucilles left (around 8ish) Felix and MyPoolBoy and I proceeded to make the trek back across the street to the sports bar. We got a smaller table next to the dance floor and right across from the band. MyPoolBoy bought Yagermeister shots for the band (he and LeadSinger have this thing about buying each other shots in order to see who can make the other one ask random women for rides home). They were running pretty good and on the dance floor was this poor woman in a white sweater outfit-thing that she was too old for. Sadder than that was the fact that both her pinky toes were hanging over the outside of the straps of her sandals! And she was DRUNKER - THAN - ME! Doing that 60s/70s holding-up-an-imaginary-lighter-at-an-imaginary-concert dance that old hippies do. And right in front of my boss...who I will admit is ok-looking for an older man and the guitar sure doesn't make him look all principal-ish...but he seemed annoyed at best. It was a riot! Boss'sWife was sitting a the bar behind us and we were laughing our @sses off!

A little while later, MyPoolBoy had to go pick up Lurch from the soccer game and while he was gone, the OldestManInThePlace came and asked me to dance. Much to DrunkenFelix's delight, I accepted and she shot a few camera phone photos of OldestManInThePlace twirling me around the dance floor.

OH OH OH OH OH! I almost forgot that I got to meet "I'm on Cialis and I still have 9 hours left" man in person, too!

Well, Boss'sWife had a few older lady-friends with her and I let them see and use the boa and tiara - they were so cute and delighted. One of them told me that if she ever decided to become a writer that she would definitely use my advice that "everyone should have a tiara - I keep one in my purse."

All in all a good night. I'm almost well, I think.
TAKS is in 2 days. LAWRD.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Betty Grable

You are Betty Grable

The ultimate girl next door
You're the perfect girl for most guys
Pretty yet approachable. Beautiful yet real.
What Famous Pinup Are You?

Well, today we discussed the fact that my temperature was 96.7 degrees last night. That is NOT a typo. I was 2 degrees BELOW normal when I got home yesterday. So, I figured that I must be dead and my body is cooling. And I think that I look pretty d@mn good for dead. Not so great for a live person, but really not bad at all for a corpse.

Another random thought - my mouth runneth over, ya know - We are at lunch and someone asked if any of us ever heard what happed to the guy you kidnapped those two boys in Missouri and I HAD to say that I had heard that he was being held for testing. And like a fool (you think they'd know me better by now) someone asked, "What testing?" (thank you for opening this door for me -- sucker!) To which I got to spout off: He's being DNA tested to see if he is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby! hahahahahahhaha

I know, I should be ashamed of myself.
But I'm not.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

VD is for Everybody

Happy Valentine's Day you gutter brains!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Size 8 & Wasted

I am wearing my size 8 tan LizWear pants! Not tight (a little snug - but not tight)
I felt pretty good this a.m. after I worked out. (It would be nice if I could lose that other pound and a half by Saturday!)
BTW - I worked out.

AND I have decided that part of my downer days while I was sick was that my mp3 player had no battery and I was going into Rick Withdrawal.
I've had it on since I worked out - while I did my hair, etc. My mood and energy is definitely better than it was when I first woke up. I have been jamming to "Wasted" over and over and over since about 6:15. One good thing about this song is that you can type it all with one hand leaving the other hand free for drinking your coffee - if it was not a morning before school there would sure as shootin' be Bailey's in the coffee!

The next 3-4 days are gonna suck. I have TAKS training today and soccer games tonight. Then tomorrow is the Valentine's Party and Thursday is an ARD and faculty meeting. Friday is soccer. LAWRD.

Monday, February 12, 2007

I'm So Proud

There is a video of my son on YouTube boxing in the dorms with a very large guy known only as "Bunga"

Where did I go wrong?

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Looky What MyPoolBoy Bought Me!

Fits neatly into the box shown, travel-sized. Definitely going with me everywhere I go in my purse. These flamingos will see more than their fair share of Princess Martinis!

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Sock Monkey Porn

I simply can NOT make this shi+ up! Another BannedCamper find:

Pick-Up Line

Almost as good as "I'm on Cialias and I still have 9 hours left!"

Your Pickup Line Is

No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?

This Scares Me a Little

Ok, assuming this is a RANDOM generator - Good Lawrd it is too early in the morning for this kind of prophecy to be jumpin up at me! He's on my good side today, so I'll just go with it!

Your True Love's Name Is

Jesse P.
What's Your True Love's Name?

I can only hypothesize that the P stands for PimpDaddy!

Friday, February 09, 2007

Another Random Thought from Banned Camp

When animals fart do you think they really know what is going on and just act like they are confused to try to cover their embarrassment?

Good Grief! I need to go to bed and get some sleep!

Hard Up

Here it is Friday night.
I am taking cold medicine out of MEDICAL NEED - which takes all the fun out of THAT.

MyPoolBoy tried to call Felix to babysit me at RBar but no go cuz her PoolBoy/ManSlave is coming back into town tonight. Well, MyPoolBoy is in the pressbox at the stadium running the clock and scoreboard for the girls' soccer team. Lurch is at his soccer game out of town and it was deemed that I was too sick to sit out in the cold to watch either one. So here I am - Chunk is in the other room having complete fits of euphoria over the mushroom pizza that Domino's delivered-letting the Weasel out the front door and halfway down the street- necessitating his running down the road after her like a fool in flipflops.

BUT we got the Weasel back inside and snapped a few photos of her impressions of other dog breeds. It is our never-ending quest to figure out what the h3ll kind of dog she really is! Fun at parties! Call your friends to join in! Here is the home version of the game:

Voila! Weasel as a Doberman:

And here is Weasel as a Bassett Hound:

Weasel also impersonates Corgis:

Is Weasel a Sharpei?

Look out! Weasel has RABIES!

You can go ahead and weep, shedding a few tears for my utterly sad pathetic existence of a Friday night. Chock full 'o fun, huh?

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Uncanny! and are we supposed to be Jesus now?

I'm Joshua Abraham Norton, the first and only Emperor of the United States of America!
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

Wow! Read the bio on this guy -- dead on!

Dayum! Sumbi+ch had money printed with his face on it and some establishments that he frequented even accepted it as legal currency! I wonder if RBar would take pink WTP Bucks? I've simply gotta make some money -- literally! It's not counterfeiting if you are making your own is it?

I think I should start with a $69 bill!

MyPoolBoy said I should use them as my classroom dollars at school. Silly boy. I had to remind him that the WTP is somewhat akin to Superman/Clark Kent... you know, that whole can't be in two places thing.

Ok - so we are having TAKS training on Wed. of next week and we hear that the teachers at another campus were told that they had to walk around the room constantly or they would be written up. Someone wondered out loud, "Why?" to which I shot back the reply that we are paying for the sins of someone somewhere who didn't do their job and we are all supposed to be Jesus now.

I wonder if we have to provide our own nails or if they will be issued by the state.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Chinese Body LipSync

I dunno - that's what the title says! My biggest concern is not that these dweebs are out on the loose somewhere in the world, but that their friend who is deaf? downloading porn? stoned? dead? - did someone check to see if Dave is still breathing - is not reacting to the idiocy behind him AT ALL

I think I have bronchitis

I probably should go to the doctor.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Petition from a Hypocrite

I just got an email petition from my brother, ShallowHal. It was to help pass a bill to reinstate the Pledge of Allegiance and Lord's Prayer in all public schools.

Very nice, except what does he care? He has his kids in private school because he refuses to send them to public school.

I swear if he was a puddle and I stepped in him I'd barely get my feet wet.

Sunday, February 04, 2007


MyPoolBoy and I went out with Felix and BagLady to watch CorporalPunishment play. As the debauchery wore on through the evening, Felix wound up carrying the tip jar for the band around the patio and collecting tips in her cleavage. Of course the WTP kit came out, but the highlight of the evening was this:

Ladies and gentlemen - Mr. Elton John!

Saturday, February 03, 2007

The White Trash Princess Kit

Here are the items in my WTP kit:
Notice that these items are beautifully displayed on the pink cheetah print blankie that MyPoolBoy bought me for Christmas. The WTP is very loved.

Pink crocodile purse - We are to assume this is fake crocodile since pink is not a color that crocodiles tend to appear to us in nature and therefore can be considered to be animal-cruelty-free. The WTP is nothing if not kind to animals! The only way this could be any better is if it were silver and shaped/decorated to resemble an Airstream travel trailer! Ooooh! Project!

Pink shades - alas these are not rhinestone cateye pink shades. I had a pair that I bought on 6th Street in Austin, but they were an unfortunate casualty in the infamous drunken "Jose, don't leave me!" float trip. I do enjoy telling people that I bought them in the toy section of Walmart, thus celebrating the amazingly tiny proportion of my face/head.
NOTE TO MY READERS AND FRIENDS: If you really feel you MUST bestow upon me another gift of WTPdom, please consider buying me a set of gen-u-wine rhinestone cateye pink shades. I will be your friend for at least 47 minutes afterwards! Here is a link to see what I'm talking about. I actually would like to see if I could get some that were a little hotter pink and in a small size - due to the aforementioned freakishly small size of my head & face.

Travel-sized Tiara - of "Tiara Table" fame. Felix and I bought these on a drunken spree from RBar to the Walmart bridal department one night - none of the guys would take us: Hence the standing joke among us that if you take a white woman to Walmart it constitutes a commitment that none of them are man enough to handle. This handy little item is especially useful at RBar: when I put it on, it signals to the bartender that I need another Princess martini!

Pink flamingo earrings - a gift from a former student who truly understands me. I have, however, come to feel of late that I need to replace these with Elvis dangly earrings since I have a tiny little pink flamingo in the kit already. (You really must check out this link: these sumbi+ches are made from bottle caps!)

Speaking of the tiny little pink flamingo - this is the 2nd one I have had in the kit. I had one of those kind that you put in water and it is supposed to grow (although 20 minutes in cold water in an emptied Princess martini glass at RBar apparently is not long enough, but h3ll, I threw the directions away!) Anyway, it was replaced after one attempted use because DrunkenFelix tore the legs off of it like a bi+ch, so it went into permanent retirement - no, there is no Florida for flamingos when THEY retire, they just get chunked in the trash. Although....it would be kinda fun to show folks that I am the proud owner of a tiny little pink parapalegic flamingo!

Charm bracelet of various drinks - so that when I am too drunk to order for myself I can just point to the one that I want and continue to imbibe!

Precious little pink bag with a $1 Dollar General pink feather boa - Admittedly, there probably is a naked chicken out there somewhere because of my wanton lust for WTP regalia. I like to think that the chicken who gave of his/her feathers is reunited posthumously at the table at RBar when I order chicken strips or chicken tacos. See? Life comes full circle.

Sparkly pink lipstick case - included inside is a hot pink chapstick that is garish at best - and whorish at worst. I love it. Shut up.

One final item that I feel is amiss - Some leopard print gloves. I have yet to find the perfect pair, because they will need to be thinsulate or cotton . Remember they will be crammed in with all the other crap in the WTP kit! And looking for a pair on the web is a hoot! You get everything from leopard print dishwashing gloves to golf gloves to downright porno-style opera-length lingerie gloves!

Let us speak of Michael Keaton

Ok, so this is what I am thinking is entirely an unhealthy neoprene fetish. I was watching some old movie with Michael Keaton (before he played Batman) and I thought to myself, hey he's not bad looking -- I never thought that when I saw the very same movie 20 years ago! I really think it is because I saw him in THE SUIT (it even makes George Clooney look better - if that is even possible!).

Alright, that was dumb. I'm shallow.

Probably going to see Corporal Punishment (a band of school administrators and the district tech guy) play down town tonight. I am friends with the lead singer and I told him the other night at RBar that they could be the official band for the Lucilles. I also drunkenly once told him that I would be their official groupie/stalker, if they would learn to play some of the songs on our cd...then I sent him the list via email. Maybe I should post it on his myspace, too!