Saturday, August 30, 2008

Everything Has Its Price

There was a waitress in a too-short and too-tight and too-low dress last night.

She reminded Felix of a woman that she knows that has store-bought boobs that are actually nice-looking.

Felix said she would KILL for boobs like that. She wouldn't pay for them, but she WOULD kill for them.

Time Out

Ok, so last night DrunkenFelix and I had a long-overdue evening out, which resulted in becoming another one of our blog-worthy misadventures. We decided the first week of school had been too much to handle and we needed to get our Friday drink on.

Felix has a switch class with a VERY defiant boy in it, and some of the other kids seem to fear no consequences. She is already frustrated.

I have Screech of Honk-and-Screech fame, Mr. This-Is-Not-the-Playground himself. I needed a drink on TUESDAY.

So we go to the SportsBar downtown with MyPoolBoy and pigged out on a smorgasboard of bar food. A little later, here comes a co-worker, Striptease (she told everyone in one of those "getting to know you" games at the start of school that she had been a stripper in college - it was a riot!). She had been out to eat with her hubby and stopped in for a glass of wine. We had a blast talking and digging out the tiara and boa for them, and when she went to the restroom, we asked her man how they met - he had been her professor in college! BWAHAHAHAHA! So now I have to call him the Prof.

Well, they left and MyPoolBoy went down to another place and DrunkenFelix and I decide to go collect tips for the band because their jar was empty, and we felt bad for them. As we make our way around, some guy tells Felix "If I want to tip the band, I will tip the band." Felix said we didn't know the band, we were just trying to help them out a little. And again he said, "If I want to tip the band, I will tip the band... do you understand?" And DrunkenFelix said, "I understand that you're an a$$hole" and walked off. So that was funny at the time.

We made our way back around and gave the band their tips, and sat back down. About 2 minutes later the manager comes over and asks us if we were the ones collecting tips for the band. We said yes. She said she didn't appreciate us calling her patrons a$$holes and for us to not collect any more tips for the band. Felix told her we didn't even know the band, we just were trying to be nice. Manager tells Felix that she didn't want her customers treated badly and he was a good tipper. Felix told her "Am I not a customer too? You don't know if I'm a good tipper or not" and TURNED HER BACK TO THE MANAGER. I just sat there and shrugged my shoulders. The manager started to walk around the table to get were she could look Felix in the face, but I guess she thought the better of it and walked back off to talk to A$$holeTipper. So there we sat on the bench at the table in the SportsBar. And we dared not move. Like we were in TIME OUT for name-calling after A$$holeTipper tattled on us.

But then, as if the heavens above parted and a ray of shimmering golden light was showing us the way to salvation and repentence for our sins, there sat one of the owners of the SportsBar. And DrunkenFelix knows him - it was CIALIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, we got out of time out for sure, but right about then MyPoolBoy came back and we told him what had happened and he had us go down to the place down the street with him.

Here's the difference: We walk up to the place, see the owners (that MyPoolBoy knows really well) and I tell them that we just left the SportsBar because we basically were put in time out for calling someone an a$$hole. So OwnerLady puts her arms around us and tells us that will NEVER happen in her bar, and walks us in. As we make our way to the bar, she points out several people, and with each one she says, "That's an a$$hole, and as long as you are here, you can call him an a$$hole if you want to!"

Successful evening.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Why is it that guys dance in place (especially when seated) with that forward almost-autistic to-and-fro rocking movement and think that they are jammin? I mean the whole 80s head-banging heavy metal hair band genre alone should suffice as evidence to this dance craze sensation.

It is a pseudo sexual movement, I'm sure. That's probably why dancing is considered sinful in some religions. And I don't think that it's necessarily that the intention of the dancer is to be risque - it's just that's how white boyz dance.

Saturday, August 09, 2008

Badge of Honor

has inspired me to think about making myself some WTP/Lucille merit badges.
There would be a list of requirements for each badge, of course. I'm thinking some of the badges could be:
Drinking Badge
Regalia Badge
Purse Badge
Witty Comebacks/Smart-Mouth Comments Badge
Trailer and/or Home Decor Badge
Walmart Cuisine Badge
Music and Songs Badge

Any ideas?
Any takers?

I'll post more later as I get inspired.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Too Much is Not Enough

MyPoolBoy is under the impression that I have too many versions of Jessie's Girl on my mp3 player. Seven, too be exact.

1) The original version by Rick
2) an smooth acoustic version by Rick
3) an acapella version by Rockapella
4) a live acoustic version by Everclear
5) the punky-rock version by Frickin' A (this one includes the excerpt from their video that has Rick posing as a psychiatrist & playing the guitar solo)
6) a country-ish version by Jared Wagner of Lonestar
7) a fun Kinks-ish version by OK Go (the YouTube treadmill group)

Great Minds - Alike

Match yourself with Rick Springfield

I am 98% compatible with him on an intellectual level.
Only 33% on a physical level (how do THEY know that? Give me 5 minutes alone with him. That'll change.) Oh well, I'll just have to keep using MyPoolBoy's body.

This matching is based on birthdays/biorhythms.

One of my best CelebMatches on this site, though, is Jeff Gordon.
Yes, NASCAR Jeff Gordon. I'm doomed to Redneckdom.

Oh Baby!

Video Parody of Matthew McConaughey

See more Joey Kern videos at Funny or Die


I can't get over how much this guy sounds like the real deal!

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Acting My Age?

I took the test like they talked about on Oprah.

I am EXACTLY 6 years younger in RealAge than I actually am!

Does this mean that I can have my big-a$$ 40th birthday again in 6 years????

Monday, August 04, 2008

Texas Redneck Festival

Texas Redneck Festival - Nov. 8 - Spokes Sports bar, Burnet Texas

Ok, I'm in. Where do I sign up?

Heavy Petting

Put this one down in the list of worst pickup lines ever (along with the "I'm on Cialis" gem).

Last year, Lurch was standing around the stadium and saw 2 girls, one of whom was carrying her pet ferret.

Lurch approached the girls and politely asked the one carrying the ferret: "Oh, cool, may I pet your weasel?"

I pretty much burst into tears laughing and walked to the car, leaving him there to figure it out for himself. I DO think he at least got the girl's email address, though.