Saturday, May 22, 2010

White Trash Moment of the Day

Just saw a shirtless dude taking a p!ss behind the convenience store in broad daylight.

BONUS: I am not related to the shirtless dude taking a p!ss behind the convenience store in broad daylight.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Smile - or Else!

OMG. Everyone who has come into the bakery this morning has been grumpy. Worse than MyPoolBoy after a night of tequila shots. Like "you're the kind of person who has dwarves named after you Grumpy." I think most of them just got up on the wrong side of the planet. A few I suspect had their facelifts pulled too tight. Some are upset because of the lack of donuts (this is a BAKEry, not a FRYery - everything here is baked with love, not oil - you can't make donuts with love). MyPoolBoy suggested we set up a donut stand out in the parking lot outside. And I laughed out loud - a LOT - much to my own amusement, the embarrassment of MyPoolBoy, and the annoyance of the grumps. AND they are playing 60's music on the radio. HOW IN THE H3LL can you be in a bad mood with "Lover's Concerto" in the background?

Regardless, I am not in the mood to have my day invaded by grumpy people today. It doesn't help that I've had 2 1/2 cups of non-decaf this morning, either. And I am wearing my sequin flamingo flip-flops and my rhinestone cat-eye shades. You know that glitter and sequins and rhinestones change lives - I firmly believe that they are mood-altering anti-depressants.

I have threatened to stand up in the booth and scream out - "That's it! Start smiling people! You're screwing up my karma!" And then I will pass out smiley face glitter stickers to everyone and make them sing "Kumbaya."

Monday, May 03, 2010

Weather or Not

Saw a guy on the Weather Channel reporting from the flooding situation in Nashville. And he didn't look thrilled to be there. SOMEONE drew the short straw for this assignment. And he was wearing a black polo shirt and a little black baseball cap. So it also looked like he was on the back nine when he drew the short straw. UNLESS someone from the office called and said, "Hey, man, it's flooding in Nashville, where are you? Ok, well, never mind, we really don't care cuz we're drawing straws to see who goes to report on it -- here, we'll draw one for you. Awwwww, dude, sorry! You got the short one. The helicopter will be at the clubhouse in 10 minutes."


BoogerCat has been banished from the comforts of our home indefinitely. MyPoolBoy caught him in the trash again. By "in the trash" I mean he jumped up onto the edge of the trash can, pulled it over/ knocked it down with his body weight, proceeded to drag out all the contents of the trash bag and scatter it all over the laundry room floor, and ruthlessly shred and annihilate the defenseless trash bag. A solo game of "feline trash hockey" ensued, followed by Booger himself getting INTO the knocked over trash can and proudly smiling up at MyPoolBoy as if he were going to receive some sort of effed-up TrashKnockerOver award. He's not.

Saturday, May 01, 2010

Customer Service

MyPoolBoy SLAYS me. He is not cut out to talk to machines. Pretty much he and machines of almost any kind don't get along anyway. At all. So he argues with them. Unsuccessfully, I might add. But he doesn't seem to catch on the futility of the situation. Which provides endless supplies of entertainment. So. Two of our cable boxes are not working with the new "upgraded channel guide" and he called the special customer service number to report a problem with our service. And he got a machine. And it's the usual state your name, account number, blah blah blah. But when they started the automated troubleshooting it went south pretty fast.

Automated Machine Customer Service Lady asked him if the trouble was with the programming or the cable box. He said cable box. (So far they are still on civil speaking terms.) Next. Automated Machine Customer Service Lady asked if the cable box was turned on. He said yes, dumba$$. Automated Machine Customer Service Lady caught the yes, but not the dumba$$.... I'm sorry, we could not process your response, please respond again - Is your cable box turned on? He said yes (with a decidedly frustrated look on his face). But she is unfazed and is able to continue with the process.

Then, Automated Machine Customer Service Lady suggested that he try something else: Have you turned your machine off and then on again to reboot? Now he responds with a short answer - yes - because he is mad at her and is communicating as little as possible (I know the feeling, Automated Machine Customer Service Lady). So Automated Machine Customer Service Lady says: was this successful in solving your problem? MyPoolBoy says - NO. Done tried that. Didn't work. And Automated Machine Customer Service Lady sweetly says again.... I'm sorry, we could not process your response, please respond again - Was this successful in solving your problem? So MyPoolBoy shortens his response again, only is louder this time: NO!

Wow. I'm thinking: This lady is a PRO! Cause he does that to me and I usually throw something or yell back or storm out of the room. THEN... She gives him some more suggestions that I begin to suspect he is not really listening to (again, Automated Machine Customer Service Lady - I know how you feel). Anyway - his responses begin to get a little bit unrelated to the cable box situation: What are you wearing? You sound pretty. Are you married? Do you have a boyfriend?

I think he was finally successful in breaking her icy, mechanical response mechanism, because she finally gave in and said Please hold - I will direct you to our next available representative for servicing. And he shouts: FINALLY! I get "serviced!" How much?

Then a live operator came on and talked to him and it was boring.