Ventilation Without Filtration

If I said everything I was thinking I would be unemployed, divorced, and have no friends except Felix and DonnyCat.

Here's what I am thinking and not saying today....

187.  It's my IQ.  It is also the California Penal Code for murder.  Trivia you might need.  

Oh, really?  Wahhh wahhhh.

You know what this place needs?  A big g0ddayum giant chocolate cake.  And vodka.

I'm so glad you have time to post on Facebook while the rest of us WORK for a living.

Your lack of planning is my emergency because WHY????

You know what you need?  About 10 more years of life experience.

Oh h3ll yes.  Please let me stop doing everything that I am doing and take care of YOUR crap,  because I know your crap has GOT TO BE way more important than mine.

Instead of thanking me for all the work I do for you, why don't you DO SOME OF THE WORK YOURSELF?

Dog and pony shows sure leave a lot of sh1t behind for others to clean up later.

If you can't say anything nice -- well, you seem incapable of saying anything nice, so shutting the h3ll up is really your only option, isn't it?

Sorry.  I forgot to be overwhelmingly impressed.  Do you want me to do a f*cking cartwheel?

Even if you spraypaint bullsh1t gold, it's still bullsh1t.

Yippee - effing - skippy.

Why yes.  I'd love another motherf*cking responsibility on top of all the sh1t I already do to make your life easier.

Oh f*ck.  Please go away.    

Heartbreaker

Wednesday.  Driving to Sonic with MyPoolBoy in the Beemer because it was a gorgeous day and I needed to have the top down for more than the 7 blocks from school to the house.  As if I was not already a nervous wreck due to the abysmal reality that I sometimes refer to as MY DAYUM JOB, I had the added pressure of transporting a backseat driver in the passenger seat.  I was doing the best I could to keep the clutch-shift-gas rhythm going in my head to avoid hearing the sounds of his teeth grinding and his nails digging into the leather of the armrest -- I was doing completely fine with only the intermittent distractions of squirrel roadkill and turning up the volume for an appropriate cruising song, and he drops this on me:  Well, Davy Jones died today.

What?

Ok.  Admittedly I was distracted by the dead squirrel in the road at this point and for a millisecond I thought he meant the pirate.

Then it hit me.

What?

So he goes - "I SAID Davy Jones died today.  A heart attack.  So there will be no more Monkees reunions."

I HEARD you.  What kind of sadist are you?  Crap.  Don't do that to a woman -- don't just break the news to her that one of the cutest men on the planet is dead while she's trying to shift from second to third.  Are you trying to get us all killed?  I could have careened out of control at the breakneck speed of 21 mph and it would have been ALL YOUR FAULT.

To make matters worse - this morning, the GrandMarshal spearheaded a celebration of Dr. Seuss's birthday by getting the cafeteria to serve green eggs and ham for breakfast and he totally missed two other very important occasions - Texas Independence Day and Jon Bon Jovi's birthday.  No mention at all.  Not one whit.

Fast-forward to now - because the in-between is a h3llish blur that would drive most women and all men to drink. Being in the category of "most women" I have concocted a "sort-of-pina-colada" from remnants of various flavors of vodka and rum and a pitcher of frozen pineapple juice.  And some flavored syrup sh1t like you're supposed to put in coffee but coffee contains no alcohol so SCREW THAT.

So I'm cruising Facebook and mulling over the comments by a few of the Banned Camp girls, and I come across THIS phrase: geezer rock stars I'd still do.

It's like an even MORE inappropriate though thoroughly precise version of Do-able/Not Do-Able.
And so, I am inspired.  Here's my list.

Rick Springfield (obviously)

Bon Jovi (though I am not sure that he qualifies as a geezer because he's only 50, so technically he is not even old enough for the senior discount at Denny's)

Possibly Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees.

Davy Jones WAS on the list but he's not now that MyPoolBoy broke my heart with his insensitive announcement.

Elvis WOULD BE on the list, but I was like, 9 when he died so that kinda would've been statutory rape and besides at THAT point in my life I thought Leif Garrett was cute, so what did I know?

P.S. Add Leif Garrett because now I'm inebriated, and it's just funny!

We May Not Win But We Had Fun Trying

 So.  Me and Felix and Duckit and Hyphen entered the campus chili cook-off, which I must tell you was disturbingly bereft of  a number of health code protocols.  I know WE didn't use those ill-fitted plastic glove-thingies OR hair nets -- unless you count the Dr. Seuss hats we were wearing as hair nets. 

Along the way to the culminating moment of chili judging, we also hit some other lows.... slightly inappropriate attempts to turn a stuffed Cat-In-the-Hat toy into a voodoo doll, eerily realistic-looking plastic cockroaches that *somehow* appeared on the lids of other contestants' chili entries, an impromptu acapella rendition of the "buy the world a Coke" song, and the shameless waving of a crumpled five dollar bill in the faces of the judges. 

Someone came by our classrooms later and excitedly reported to us that they thought they saw a ribbon on our table. 

Yeah, we know.  A blue one.  We put it there as a subconscious message to the judges that we deserved to win.

Don't Say I Never Gave You Anything

Have I got a deal for you!  From the Free Stuff Times website:

Free K-Y jelly at Walmart

4:24 pm -"Coupons" 

Print this $3/1 K-Y coupon(login or register and click the red circle). Many Walmart stores have the 2 oz. jelly for $2.62, making it better than free.

Brave the blue-vested greeters and fire up your Lexmark -- this deal is even better if you use the paper and ink from your printer at work, passing more savings on to you!

Kentucky Jelly!  Admittedly it is sh1tty on toast, or even with peanut butter.  Enjoy!

Last Minute VD Gift Idea

If you have not yet gotten a Valentine's gift for that someone special --- or if you do not yet have a "someone special,"  Craigslist comes to the rescue!  

Valentine's Sexy Spells & Love Voodoo kit - $10 

Valentine's - or any time -- You won't find this in the local store!!!! 

No shi+ you won't find this at the local store, unless your local store is Marie Laveau's Voodoo Emporium.  I went to Walmart last night and there were NO voodoo kits. 

There appear to be no voodoo dolls or pins in either of these.  Which is a bummer, cuz given the very nature of the "spell,"  that would be a riot.   

However - the "Sexy Spells" looks a little bit like a conversation hearts box, which I think would be a GREAT idea.  Just type the magic sensual, come-hither words onto the candy itself and distribute to your love interest to drop the hint.  If WTP wrote love spells on candy hearts you would get such doozies as: 

Guess what?  I shaved my legs! 

You'll do.  

The kids are outside.
I'm sooooooo drunk!   

The clinic called, and I'm clear "for now." 

Are you awake? 

(for men) My Viagra just kicked in.  

We'd better do this now because I'm supposed to start my period in 2 days.  

You've got 13 minutes before "Swamp People" comes on.
What the hell.  I need to burn off the 27 calories of conversation hearts that I ate earlier. 

Hallmark Never Thought of This

I spent the better part of my evening at the Valentine's Dance - which you need to understand that, at the elementary level, is more like a Valentine's Run-Around-Like-A-Howler-Monkey-Hopped-Up-On-Mountain-Dew.  One of my students brought me a cup of lemonade (bribe? peace offering? hemlock?)  which I oh-so-politely declined by saying "no, thank you."  Please note that I did not say "I know you don't wash your hands after recess,"  nor did I ask,  "How much vodka is in that?"

Anyway,  I went back to my room to collect my purse before my escape, I mean , departure.  There was a little project put up in the hall by some of the volunteers and kids that had polled some of the staff and asked them to tell their favorite Valentine's memories. 

I asked the Grand Marshal how come his favorite wasn't the time that me and Hyphen and CrocWhore shoepolished his truck and TP'd his house!

Say it with Charmin!

Pick a Winner

So.  Peyton Place ISD is having a contest to come up with a new district motto.  I'm gonna win.  The toughest part of the  competition will be which one of my mottos is the best. 
1. There is no "I" in TEAM, but there is an  "I" in PPISD.
2. We're like you, only prettier. 
3.  What's a-motto with you?
Perhaps we could have a Latin motto, like the fancy Ivy Leagues do - 
4. O-gay Ackmules-pay
5.  PP.  It doesn't stand for what you think. 
6.  (This one's from Duckit) Packmules - A few good students. 
7.   Nowhere to go but up. 
And my favorite... 
8.  At least we're not Bur***.