Saturday, May 25, 2013

Written Warning to All That Cross My Path

If you don't want a "blog name" you'd better behave yourself!

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Joyful Noise

You know what's worse than a van full of teenagers singing along to blaring rock music in the parking lot of Walmart?

A van full of teenagers singing along to Christian rock music in the parking lot of Walmart.

Thursday, May 09, 2013


My students have to endure much of the same relentless sarcasm and offbeat witticisms that y'all do, except they get the G rated versions. When they leave pencils and paper on the floor, I tell them that they can trash a room like rock,stars. If somebody just guesses at an answer and gets it right I tell them that even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while. And when I have to put up with the little cherubs misbehaving beyond all limits of human patience I have a phrase that is a conglomeration of Banned. Camp similes to describe the overtly hyperactive: like a band of howler monkeys hopped up on Pixie Stix and Mountain Dew. So today, for Teacher Appreciation Week I received what is hands-down the BEST FREAKIN' TEACHER GIFT I have EVER received. I laughed to the point of nearly urinating myself. Of course it is hard to tell if the almost-urination episode is truly due to the hysterics from the gift or merely your everyday middle-age incontinence, but I am pretty sure it was the gift.

Saturday, May 04, 2013

What Happens When We Die

All erroneous speculation as to my whereabouts can now cease.  I have NOT fallen off the planet, nor have I been in prison. The REAL explanation for my lengthy absence from blogdom is that I have been taking care of MonsterInLaw in hospice care for the past few months. Luckily, Blogger didn't mistake my lack of posts for disinterest or disappearance due to alien abduction and I still have an account.

MonsterInLaw was able to peacefully pass on, and in addition to the assets left to us in the will and an elderly Weimeraner, I also inherited this fabulous taxidermied armadillo to enhance my home decor.... please contain your envy and try not to covet it too intensely.  If we all had one, it would be less special.

It took us longer to get back home than expected, due to a typically unbelievable chain of events that some day will go into a book titled "Sh1t That Only Happens to Me" 
1) She passed away on Easter weekend and we were working around the holiday to make funeral arrangements.
2) The truck stop where I usually acquired my fix of the absolutely most decadent and comforting millionaire pie on the entire planet has STOPPED SELLING PIE!!!! 
3) We all got some sort of allergy attack or backwoods influenza or some sh1t and we were sick for half the week. 
4)  There is NO cell phone service and only DIAL-UP internet in the particular subdivsion of BFE where her house is. 
5) The will was not in the safe where she said it would be, thereby necessitating a sh1tstorm of overturned baskets, ransacked cabinets, and dumped out drawers which did not yield the will, but DID give MyPoolBoy the disturbing discovery that his sweet little mother kept a Smith & Wesson in her nightstand with her VIBRATOR.  (He commented that both of these items made sense since his father has been dead for over 5 years and she kept insisting that she didn't need a man..) 
6) The will WAS in her closet underneath apprximately a BILLION boxes of shoes and 3 empty cigar boxes. 
And the BEST part: 
7) Her attorney that was supposed to handle filing the will was almost as elusive as the will itself.  He was  reportedly depressed because his wife, who was some sort of counselor or therapist left him for one of her mental patients.