Friday, December 26, 2008

Ninja Death Liquor

Coined this phrase in honor of three fabulous concoctions that we have been enjoying:

1) BananaRamaShi+ (like Banana Laffy Taffy in a glass)
2) Lavender Margaritas (like a melted grape Otter Pop)
3) Apple Martini (like a liquid sour apple Jolly Rancher)

So deemed to be Ninja Death Liquors because they will get you when you least expect it and you won't see it coming!

Alcohol is a cough suppressant. And a fertility drug. Gotta be careful.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Two-berculosis and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

So I have contracted some sort of fabulous hacking-up disease just in time for the holidays. I know exactly which child came to school ill because it was party day and gave the lovely germ to me, too! Maybe there should be a pop quiz or some other form of torture in said child's future.

In the midst of my pain, illness, and mental anguish, Lurch asks me, "Mom, are you ok?" My reply was "no, I am pretty sure I am dying" and he chirped up, "well, we still have time to get to Payless to get you some shoes!"

Ok, admittedly hilarious. Makes me mad though that his obviously inherited quick-wit comes through when I am in the process of expelling a vital organ (namely, a lung) through the writhing convulsions of my coughing fits.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

TAKS Tasks

Well, we had to give the reading practice TAKS benchmark today (Merry Christmas, kiddies. You've been naughty this year, so Santa is giving you a TEST 3 days before you get out for the holiday!)

Anyway, the new admin has a system for us to get relieved for a potty break. Red Solo cups. At first I was thinking WTF? Are we supposed to use the cups to relieve ourselves? Thank the little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay, no.

We were to place them outside our classroom door as a "signal" to the hall monitor to call someone for us. Which to me seems like a shameful waste of beer pong supplies. However, in the same directive that explained the solo cups there were also instructions not to turn our back to the class, not to stand in the doorway, and to be constantly "actively monitoring" the kids. Pretty hard to do unless you are a contortionist.

So... I devised a plan -- we grab the cup, back up to the door surreptitiously, twist the knob, yell "INCOMING," throw the cup, and then run like h3ll back into the midst of the students.

My ingenious problem-solving skills are highly undervalued by my colleagues.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Did I Mention That I Will Have Beautiful Grandchildren?

I am sure the pictures of my potential grandchildren from TrainWreck and BrideOfTrainwreck's marital union will look fabulous in my wallet. However, I am sorely afraid that as attractive as the two of them are, there is a good chance that the kids will inherit absolutely no functional brain activity whatsoever.

Today, we were out shopping at some antique stores and BrideOfTrainwreck passes the counter and calls me over to come see a vodka bracelet that I MUST have... so I go investigate and I see where they have some sterling silver liquor decanter tags - the kind with the chains that go around the neck of the bottle. Yep. One of them said vodka on it.

MyPoolBoy, the clerk, and I are trying our best to stifle ourselves...

Poor girl. Like I said, I'm gonna have beautiful grandchildren.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Christmas Shoes Blog

A BannedCamper posted the link to this blog for us to read. Now there's more coffee on my laptop screen. Frikkin' BannedCamp needs to come with disclaimers for shi+ that is this funny -

Warning: May cause involuntary spewing of beverages onto computer monitor. Do not read if you have bladder control issues or are otherwise incontinent as laughing until you pee has occurred in some readers.

You MUST go here:

Swallow whatever you are drinking. Put on your Depends. Grab a hanky cuz you will be crying - from the laughter. Now go read it.