Sunday, January 30, 2011

Photo Opportunity

MyPoolBoy found this awesome eye candy on Facebook.  Had to share so that you would spew your morning coffee on your computer screen like I did, thereby wasting perfectly good Baileys (REAL Baileys, too... not the knock-off crap you get from the bottom shelf because it's still a week from payday and you have to save a little money until then to buy shi+ like FOOD). 

BUT....Honestly, my first reaction was "Where did he get those slammin' boots?"

  My second thought was" "Do they come in size 7?"

Then I realized I was supposed to be ooged out or appalled or whatever by the picture.

Kinda looks like it could be one of the very earliest publicity photos of the Dos Equis "Most Interesting Man in the World." Back when there was only Uno Equi.

THEN I started trying to read his tattoo.  Because, I was informed by MyPoolBoy, it is not a bikini top, nor is it a leopard print tie to match the boots draped sexily (Ok - I seriously could not type that word just now with a straight face) across his cleavage.

Great news!  I got the photo to zoom in Picasa to get a closer look at the tit tat.  I do not recommend this unless you have alcohol handy - isopropyl - the kind you can use to disinfect your eyes and at least temporarily blind yourself until someone can come in the room and pull the plug on your computer and drive you to the liquor store to buy the OTHER kind of alcohol to disinfect your memory of the close-up of excess body hair you will be witnessing.   All I can make out is what is in the middle "NTRO"  or "MDRO."  iNTROduction?   AMDRO?  conTROl?  Remote Control? 

One of the girls at BannedCamp thinks it says "MAN TROPHY"

And wtf is it that he is holding up?  Grapes?  A wad of shaved back hair?

Please Gawd, someone tell me they burned that couch.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Welcome to McDonalds

This is the kind of crap I find on the Internet when I don't have anything to do on a Saturday afternoon.

Craigslist Made Me Laugh

Not as good as the Freakshow Craigslist post but the last part made me LOL

"I have a bunch of fresh cut bamboo from yard work today, it is free to who ever wants it. Just drop me a line. Oh and please no dumb questions you can answer yourself using google. I have a backyard full of bamboo that grows 12feet every 3 days all year, I just want it gone..... I don't care if you use it to beat your kids or build a boat. just come and get it "

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Breaking Training

Before I get too far, let me just point out that the best part of faculty meetings is food.  Our campus usually does a fabulous job of providing enough fare to keep my mouth busy chewing and disengaged from smart-mouthing for at least a little while. 

So. When we had a "short meeting" last week I had to make sure that I went by the candy machine and spend an assorted accumulation of change from the bottom of my purse on Snickers bars for our table because in meeting-speak "short meeting" has nothing to do with the length of time that elapses nor does it refer to the stature of the participants (although Felix could preside over such a meeting as its president).  "Short meeting" actually translates to "no food provided."  

Anyway - there was plenty of food at the meeting today because it was a REAL meeting and it kept me relatively quiet but, it wasn't at the meeting where my mouth ran over this time.  It was the fabulous surprise copy machine training presentation that occurred AFTER the meeting that prompted me to entertain all within earshot.  This surprise copy machine training presentation was brought about by the unfortunate near-demise of our beloved copy machine by someone who pulled on one of the interior components a wee bit too hard in order to presumably remove a paper jam. 

Now, if you've never had the good fortune to have surprise copy machine training inflicted  sprung on you, let me just tell you - I was able to behave for a mere 3 minutes.  Unfortunately, the training lasted about 45 minutes.  So for the better part of the first half of the remaining 42 minutes, I fought the strong urge to mouth off.  Alas, I lost the battle about 25 minutes into the ordeal and I began to make off-color references concerning the copy machine terms and components and therefore succeeded in providing entertainment for all those around me for the remainder of the training. 

After we had ascertained that if you pull on stuff inside the copier too hard it will, in fact, break, we learned some valuable information like there are stickers which serve as sort of guides/instructions as to what to do in the event of future paper jams - unfortunately that means that we would have to actually read the guides/instructions instead of just opening compartments and hoping to find the jam in our own little effed up version of office machine roulette.  So THAT's no fun. 

We also learned that you shouldn't touch any of the interior components that are not labeled with the aforementioned stickers or that don't have a green handle or knob or switch on the component.  Unless you're color blind.  I said it just loud enough to emit a titter from the 3-4 folks near me.  Felix shot me a "please shut up" look.  Which never works. 

As the copy machine training presenter guy continued our education he let us know that the machine had the capability of scanning and reading both sides of a document at once so that it will be "looking at your backside."  I KNOW.  That was just asking for me to stand up and look at my backside. 

As he pointed out the various computerized features on the touch screen, he let us know where the 2-sided feature was, where the stapling feature was, and that there was a logout button and a CLEAR button.  I announced that the CLEAR button must be for running transparencies.  

A few of the folks around me started complaining that it was getting stuffy in the tiny room with about 50 people standing around watching the copy machine training presenter guy.  I offered to assist in ending the training abruptly and clear the room for them by farting.

No takers. 

Saturday, January 15, 2011


I had a thought about the whole astrological controversy in the news right now: 

The Zodiac Killer is gonna have to start all the h3ll over.

For Pateeta


Thursday, January 13, 2011

More 2012 and WWJP

There's a Hopi Indian 2012-myth-debunking on tv right now.  MyPoolBoy pointed at the tv and said "2012" and I confused him by saying "no, 2102"  and he's like "what?"  and I told him that the clock on the cable box read 9:02 and that it was NOT 2012, but 21:02.  He is growing a bit weary of my quick wit. 

Now. WWJP.  What would Jesus pack? I saw a VBS (vacation Bible school)-type picture of Jesus looking down over the shoulder of a little girl with some little verse like "Jesus loves the little children" or "Jesus loves me" or something.  As  Jesus gazes down from where he is seated, you notice he is holding what is undoubtedly SUPPOSED to be a rod or staff to comfort the little girl.  Except this rod or staff appears to have a protrusion of some sort coming off the midsection of it, making it look eerily like a shotgun.  At least a semi-automatic.  Yeah.  Jesus holding a shotgun butt against his hip.  I could hear the signature "Ch-chk" sound in my head while I imagined Jesus cocking the shotgun against his hip all white trash-like.

I don't think it is so farfetched to think that Jesus would carry a shotgun.  Let me remind you that WAY before Charlton Heston served in the NRA protecting the 2nd Amendment, he was put in charge of the 10 Commandments.  

I made a few of these comments about this photo to Felix and Hyphen and Duckit.  They rolled their eyes at me with the usual "you're really going to burn in h3ll" look that they always give me - and then we all  busted out laughing.

 Look - this is the EXACT SAME PICTURE - except someone who is obviously saving a seat for me in h3ll has ACTUALLY superimposed or Photoshopped the shotgun that we had only imagined. 

I just told MyPoolBoy that if his name was Jesus (Hey, Seuss) that I could get a tattoo that says "Jesus loves me."

He rolled his eyes at me.