Monday, July 28, 2008

Still More Proof

That my niece is really my child, she just came from Pepita's womb. Here is the darling wtp-in-training child dunking Oreos in the champagne at Trainwreck & BrideOfTrainwreck's rehearsal dinner.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Time Warp

Apparently MTV is planning to remake The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Dumba$$es. This is one that I just CANNOT fathom being redone correctly. Especially if it is going to include "new, original songs." So who are they going to hire to choreograph the new dances and give us new dialogue to memorize? Let's face it, it's taken me 20+ years to learn just SOME of the OLD version.

Trainspotting was one thing. This is something else entirely. I'm thinking it'll wind up being really corny crap with lame "up-and-coming" stars that will be on VH-1 I Love the 2000's in about 10 years. Or on a where-are-they-now show. Or as a guest on celebrity Deal or No Deal.

OMG what if they turn the Time Warp into a rap song?

Please make arrangements to shoot me in the head repeatedly if this happens.

No one can possibly get the full blunt-force trauma that is RHPS unless you get to throw shi+ at the screen with 200 other drunken idiots while you shield yourself with newspaper so that your date won't get a free shot of your braless wet-tshirt boobs during the rainstorm scene ...I've heard.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Cleanliness Is Next to Impossible

Answering a post over on Banned Camp about how clean our houses are:

Mine was clean for Lurch's graduation in May

Taught summer school in June and left MyPoolBoy, Lurch, and Chunk at home alone during the week. It became disgusting.

Went out of town for 4th of July week

Left for the coast for our "Lucille trip" first full week of July

Came back and did wedding prep until last week.
Getting ready to go camping now.

I have had no summer.
The house looks like shi+.
I did not make this mess.

I also sound like a broken record.

If they would all move out, it would stay clean.
Or I could burn the place down and start over.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Plan B

Thunderduck and I have decided that his wedding will need to include a few more laughs than Trainwreck's. (Cuz, let's face it - I was too stressed out and pissed off about last minute stuff to really enjoy it till the tequila started flowing)

We will of course, continue the Bohemian Rhapsody/Wayne's World head-bang mother & groom dance, and I promised that he will get orange cake for a groom's cake, too.

However, all prospective suitors for him need this caveat:
You WILL be embarrassed during the garter toss.
Well, not so much the toss, but the search for the garter all up in your dress. We will need to make sure the chair or bench that wifey sits on has a slipcover of some sort over it. Then Thunderduck will go in and retrieve:
-a golf club
-a lawn gnome
-big-a$$ granny panties
-an Elvis album (or clock)
-possibly a ham sandwich

Yes, he is cute. There is a price. You have been warned.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Wedding Quotes

Top quotes overheard at Trainwreck and his new bride's wedding last night:

1) after the leftover cake was dropped by DrunkenCollegeKid1 in the parking lot - BosnianDrunkenCollegeKid watched Thunderduck and MyPoolBoy salvage the top tier back into the box to load it into the car to be sent home for dorm-room consumption later, leaving the other tier on the asphalt - comment regarding the cake remaining on the asphalt:
"In Bosnia, that's still good cake!"

2) when Thunderduck introduced me to his friends - comment regarding his expectations for their behavior for the evening:
"Hey guys, this is my mom. No hitting on my mom."

3) during the father of the groom toast (MyPoolBoy) - comment regarding advice to the bride:
"Thanks for taking him off our hands. Now go buy lots of bleach."

4) after ReallyDrunkenCollegeKid dropped leftover-send-to-the-dorm fruit bouquet in the floorboard of Thunderduck's car - comment regarding fruit in the floorboard and his lack of recollection of how it came to be in the floorboard and Thunderduck's futile attempts to clarify the situation:
RDCK-"Dude, what is this in the floor?"
TD-"It's fruit"
RDCK-"Dude, why is their chocolate covered fruit in the floor?"
TD-"You dropped it"
RDCK-"How did I drop chocolate covered fruit in the floor?"
TD-"You were holding the fruit bouquet and you dropped it in the floor"
RDCK-"Who gave me chocolate covered fruit?"

Thursday, July 17, 2008

The Golden Years

QueenB was giving Pepita a hard time last night at the bachelorette party for Trainwreck's bride-to-be because Pepita has difficulty wrapping her little pea brain around the concept of what she calls "Old People Sex" (which she punctuates with a full-body shiver).

BrideOfTrainwreck pipes up with: "No, worse than that - nursing home sex!" And the two of them practically convulse from the very idea.

I shut them both up quickly.

Cuz I figure those Craftmatic Adjustable Beds could get into some pretty kinky positions.

Monday, July 07, 2008

In the Bag

One of my friends tonight told me that my infamous purse-o-crap is like I'm the White Trash Mary Poppins.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008