Thursday, April 30, 2009

If I Had Known We Were Going to Have a Bomb Threat

... I would have worn more comfortable shoes!

We were evacuated from school and sent down the street to another building for 3 hours. On the day of the TAKS science test. Which the poor kids had to come back and finish after having been cooped up in a dreary stuffy building all that time! They had to finish the test - why? Because TEA is off the deep end with this testing shi+, that's why.

Pretty much my kids made up all kinds of stories about why we were being evacuated: swine flu, gas leak, fire -- the best being that the plastic flamingos had taken over the school and were holding my tiara and rubber chicken for ransom!

So, I was dog-a$$ tired this afternoon. Sat in my massage chair in my classroom and waited for 4:00 to arrive then headed to go tan/nap. Let's just say dinner involved wine - not only because of the day I'd had, but also because MyPoolBoy's ex-girlfriend from high school has been all over his Facebook lately (like every time he posts, she is responding) and I guess he figured I wasn't happy about it and something got said or whatever and she deleted him from her friends list. But not before leaving a message that simply read: So long! If I had had ONE MORE glass of wine tonight, I was gonna click that little thumbs-up sign that says your name and then posts "Likes This"

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Batteries Not Included

There are times when I KNOW that some of you think that I make shi+ up. I swear, though, HAND TO GAWD that this is a true and factual representation of the "trophy" made entirely from recycled materials that will be presented by our Student Council to the class that recycles the most before May 22.

As you can see, there are plenty of inappropriate comments just waiting to be uttered:

1) Which student council "member" designed this trophy?

2) This picture was on a poster that needs to be "hung" in our classrooms to promote the recycling drive.

3) It was admitted that they might need to re-"tool" the design before the trophy is actually presented.

4) Is one of the recycled materials by any chance "wood?"

5) One of the Ethels asked "Are batteries included?"

The answer to #5 is no, by the way.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

This Was Supposed to Be a Draft

And it posted anyway -- weird. So I'm updating it and making it make a little more sense to people besides me. Here goes:

During one of our neverendingfacultymeetings, they sent over all the insurance reps to tell us exactly how much more we will be paying in premiums next year. One of the plans had deductibles so high I told Felix you might as well die and use your life insurance to cover the funeral costs instead of shelling out money for the deductible and the other 20% it would cost to keep you alive.

Then on page 30something of the booklet it compares plans' costs of having a baby vs. a heart bypass vs. gall bladder surgery or some bull shi+. H3ll, f I found out I was having a baby at this point I would need the bypass, too! Felix was telling me to shut up at this point.

One more thing: There were numerous dress code violations on some of the little girls today, but the most memorable were the words on little girls shirt "If you've got the tricks, I've got the treats"
Not just inappropriate in its double-entendre, but the 5th grade boys would want to read with their finger to track under the words. Or ask for a colored overlay if they were dyslexic and then want to hold the overlay over the words by themselves.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Age Discrimination

So PseudoGrandUrchin/Howler Monkey #1 (TheDivaMonster) is turning 3 tomorrow and we are having birthday dinner and cupcakes tonight at our house. Sitting around and wearing tiaras cuz she wants a princess birthday. H3ll, Ill take any excuse to wear a tiara.

2 incidents of particular note have occurred: PseudoGrandUrchin/Howler Monkey #2 (1 year old - Snotface) ate 2 chocolate cupcakes and proceeded to jump on the trampoline. Ralphed them both up and then went back to playing. Also, TheDivaMonster tried on her new little princess tutu and was walking around lifting it up and showing her shorts underneath.

Why is it when little kids throw up and lift their skirts everyone says they are adorable but when I do it everyone says I'm drunk?

Monday, April 13, 2009

Double Cross

How did I manage to find the church that has the biggest bucket o' crazy that Mullet County has to offer? If you remember a couple of weeks ago, the MusicMan "called me out" about my music/hymn opinions in front of the congregation during the service. After a couple of weeks of cooling-off period (I think I understand handgun laws a little more, now) and some soul-searching, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, suck it up and put on my big girl panties and go back to church to let it all go. Forgive and forget and all that.

Fast forward to yesterday - Easter Sunday. Easter was always a big deal since I was little with the whole new dress thing and all thanks to my grandma, so I was excited. What better day to make my comeback appearance? It would give me a chance to wear my new Lilly Pulitzer bargain dress. I probably should note here that I am usually the ONLY one who ever wears a dress to church. The rest all wear pants or jeans. Which makes what transpired even all the more insane.

And then Deuce and I decided that we should wear hats to church. We set out shopping for her and Heathen an Easter bonnet (I already had plans to wear my straw boater with a pink ribbon). Once we had that done, I felt a little better about going back. I had a bit of tossing and turning with the anticipation of what I would say to MusicMan, but I felt like it was time for me to deal with it. So. We go to church and MusicMan is not there. I relaxed a bit - and let my guard down - like a FOOL.

All was going well, I was glad to be back. Believe it or not, y'all I actually LIKE church - or at least I used to. About 15 minutes before the service was over, Deuce took Heathen and Snotface outside, and Heathen left her little hat in the pew. (This is important for later)

We were literally 10 minutes from it all being over and me escaping an entire church service unscathed and thus restoring my faith in the ability to attend a house of worship without being slammed in front of everyone. And then it happened again. This time by the preacher. He went into his Easter message and as he started to wind down and wrap it up, he talked about remembering the true meaning of Easter, it's not all baskets and eggs... Then he went on about how his kids never had the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus because they wanted them to know the TRUTH, etc. etc. etc. He said "you ladies look very nice in your hats but you should not be following the ways of the world and celebrating with your Easter bonnets either." Yes. Dissing me in front of everyone - over a hat.

At that moment I will have to say that I was extremely proud of my reaction. I didn't sit there all lady-like and nod sheepishly, and I didn't swallow hard and remove my hat to appease him. Somewhere in the course of the past few weeks, I got ballsy and bitchy enough that I didn't care WHERE I was, I was going to really stand up for myself. It was one of those dramatic moments like in a movie, you know, what you always later WISH you had done but were too chicken-shi+ to do or didn't think of doing at the time. I shot MyPoolBoy a "I-can't-believe-this-just-happened-AGAIN" look, snapped my Bible shut, stood up, walked to the aisle, picked up the hat that Heathen left in her pew, and WALKED OUT OF CHURCH!

I guess I'm going to h3ll, people. Over hats.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

The Eyes Have It

There is a little chicky in line at the bakery this morning and I think she should sue whoever did the unfortunate tweezing or waxing on her eyebrows. They are severely PLUCKED UP.

Let's just say that they are angular enough to be used as a referential teaching tool for the Pythagorean theorem.

I'm not nice. I know. And I've even had coffee!

Friday, April 10, 2009

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I Love a Parade

So. The county seat of Mullet County is having a big festival this weekend and one of the attractions is a pet parade for the kids. The premise is that the kiddos dress their poor unsuspecting furry family members in a ridiculous costume of some sort and march them down through the town square on a leash for the joyous opportunity to be admired/humiliated by the masses that gather along the streets.

Please note that I am not even going to address the concept of dressing up a cat for such an event. Cats are smarter and have enough sense to know when their humans are trying to cause them undue embarrassment. I know of not one single person who has ever successfully decorated a cat in any manner and survived the ordeal without a trip to the minor emergency for severe lacerations and several rounds of antibiotics.

Now I know some people claim their dogs "like it"when they get all gussied up with painted toenails and bows and doggy sweaters, but not so with our little Weezie. Here's the thing... not only does she detest having you touch her paws - she is exceptionally freakazoid when it comes to her toenails. We can hardly trim them, much less paint them. We got one of those doggy dremel kinds of nail-filing thingys for her so she runs when she even hears the blender now cuz she thinks its someone after her toenails. And dressing her up is out of the question as well. MonsterInLaw gave us some old poodle sweaters (now we've resorted to hand me downs for the dog, no less) and when you put them on Weasel she lays down on her back with all 4 legs in the air as if she has died and is awaiting someone to place a lily upon her chest.

So - no pet parade for us... I can envision the Weeze with one toenail painted, frozen from whatever costume we place on her, laying on her back like a crack whore - legs in the air -- and us pulling the leash just dragging her down the road.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Help - I've Fallen

So I FELL OUT OF BED after drinking too much red wine Saturday night. MyPoolBoy laughed at me (because that is how he demonstrates his dire concern for my safety and well-being) and then asked me if I fell.

He says that I pulled my hands and head up over the edge of the mattress a la Kilroy Was Here, and replied "yep." Then he asked if I was ok. "Yep." Finally, he wanted to know if I needed any help - "nope." So he let me crawl my way back into the bed and like the true loving man that he is... grabbed the back of the t-shirt I was sleeping in to keep me from doing it again!

Monday, April 06, 2009

More Powerful Than a Speeding Bullet

Bulletproof weave. I feel much safer with my extensions in...
Attractive, yet functional.

Edited to add: Felix offered to shoot me in the head to see if it works - I better get some Kevlar extensions and a LOT more vodka before we try it

Thursday, April 02, 2009

To the Curb

Seriously. Driving home from school today, I pass a house that has its trash set at the curb and beside the dumpster is a myriad of boxes and crates with mens' shoes, boots, clothes, etc. in them.

Now. It COULD be that someone cleaned out their closet, or that someone died.... but my first thought was that someone got kicked out!!!!!!!!


Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Yes, I'm a Little Bit Evil

Played an unusually hilarious and semi-elaborate April Fools' Day prank on our principal today. Got law enforcement and central office personnel involved, even. Can't really say too much else except that we are MEAN.

I was the soul who was brave enough to go to c/o and ask for them to play along. Was told that I have no fear, do I?

Nope, it's more like I have no shame.

Also remarked during a grade-level meeting today that we could get rid of a body out front where they demo'd the old building because there's a big ol' hole out there. Everyone is agreeing and thinking of other holes around the creek, etc. that we could use for body disposal. I stopped them. No. Y'all don't get it -- they are going to PAVE over that hole out there....

The assistant principal said that I scare her.