Saturday, May 30, 2009

Run, Joey, Run

Bwahahahahahahahaha! Hadn't heard this since I was in 4th grade or so. I've always thought it was one of the corniest songs ever. The kids on the video make it even better. Enjoy!

PS to the Lucilles: Prepare to be bombarded with this song at Port A -- it makes me laugh.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Two Bits

Theme of the day was quarters.

Today they announce that our campus Teacher of the Year was getting a limo ride to eat lunch at a nice restaurant with her entire grade-level team. Since I had nominated my entire team, and they had declined, I got PO'd at them and told them that they were dumba$$es and had blown it for all of us. Baloney told us that the T.O.Y. had invited her to go with them because she was going to be in their grade level next year. I told Baloney that if she had gone I would have kicked her a$$ right there in front of the school and I would charge the kids 25 cents to watch, with all the proceeds going to the Relay for Life fundraiser drive.

After school, Felix and I were sitting in the office waiting on SubFriend to call us back and decide where we were going to go "unwind" for the evening. In walks a mom and a new 3rd grade student. I KNOW. A week before school is out. Since I only have 16 kids in my class, we knew I would get him, so we eavesdropped in between listening to my MP3 player and singing Elvis songs. Good cow! His name is Angel. Here's the thing about kids named Angel and Jesus -- they never are. So they are getting ready to place him in a class and Striptease comes out and asks me how many students I had in my class right now. I said 19. I'm a liar - it's funny to me. Felix interjected immediately that I was a liar.

In the meanitime, there are 2 or 3 little urchins whose parents had "forgotten" to pick them up on time. And they were on my nerves because I needed a drink and SubFriend still hadn't called us and there is no vodka at school. (I've looked) One of them got picked up, there was another one who was being really good and I gave him a quarter. Then there was the third kid. I will get this child when he gets to 3rd grade because that's the kind of little urchin they put in my class for me to "fix." And he was eating BBQ pringles and crawling around and making me insane.

Felix watched in awe as I launched into my typical it's-my-time-off-and-I-don't-like-children-during-my-time-off attitude. I said, "Little boy, what is your name?" And he told me. And I said, "Ok, I have a quarter here..." Up jumps the lad. "Now, wait. This is for you if you can sit there and be completely quiet until someone comes to get you because I've had a long week and I don't need noise right now." And I laid it on the table beside my chair - and lo and behold, he shut up. And sat still. And the principal came in and asked him a question and all he did was nod vigorously. Principal asked me what was going on and I told him I had bribed the little darling with a quarter - and pointed to the quarter on the table. Principal died laughing and told me that it was a big stretch for this particular kid, and started asking him all kinds of questions to mess with him. Good times, good times.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Boy Oh Boyardee

One of my little darlings invented a song and hip gyration exhibition that I have dubbed "The Ravioli Dance." It starts out cute. The song she sings is actually creative and funny. But then the hips start and it is just a pole and a pair of stilettos away from an alternate career path.

Curtailing the Ravioli Dance has been a priority mission for about 3 weeks now.

The Ravioli Dance snuck into the spring music program of old TV themes when the girls did a routine to "I Dream of Jeannie." Even amid all the brightly-colored genie scarves waving, I recognized it from the back row.

Today, the superintendent came by my room and some of the boys did a little skit for him. And then, before I could stop it, she was standing in front of him, asking if he wanted to see her dance. I rushed over to intervene... but I was too late. It was like slow motion and I couldn't get there before The Ravioli Dance in all its inappropriate glory commenced right there in the doorway, much to my mortification.

So. I gently admonish her to return to her seat and as I reach over to guide her in that direction, Super leans in laughing, and whispers to me "Did you teach her that?"

9 more days.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Sack Lunch

Tomorrow is Field Day at school. I need to pack a sack lunch to eat as a picnic with the kids. I think a can of chocolate frosting would be a good lunch. Not exactly the prime example of healthy eating that I should be setting for the students.

But it would be good.

And it would fit in a sack.

I Just Don't Have the Time or Energy to be Psycho Right Now

So, I'm checking out MyPoolBoy's latest comment on Facebook and then I see that the "groupies" jumped right on and commented back at him - one of them went so far as to offer to make him homebaked cookies. WTF???? Am I completely off my nut or is that borderline flirting (or maybe even flat out flirting)? I'm getting tired of being told that I'm too jealous and him spouting off that he should just get off of Facebook blah blah blah.

Meanwhile, I'm drinking all the red wine I can to refrain from being a complete bi+ch until I can get outside confirmation that my bi+chiness about it is even marginally justified.

I've also thought about setting up a bogus account of some fake ex-boyfriend and posting stuff to myself and see how he feels - but that's kind of psycho... not that I'm above it, I just don't have the time or the energy to be psycho right now.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

This Is Nuts

One of the BannedCamp ladies blogged about discovering these chips on her recent trip to London. Told MyPoolBoy I needed to find a place that would ship Walkers Crisps from England to us. They are cooked in sunflower oil and are therefore a healthy choice for chip-eaters such as him. He was not impressed

And they are SQUIRREL flavored.

Now he is is intrigued.

I'll spare you the ensuing commentary about squirrels and beavers, cajun or otherwise.

Too bad the flavor lost their consumer challenge and these chips will be gone from shelves forever....

Walkers Cajun Squirrel Flavored Crisps

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

You Can Tell I'm Sick Because Someone Got New Socks

I found the tell-tale wrapper in the floor of the kitchen. A sure sign that they ran out of clean laundry because I've been bed-ridden for 4 days with strep.

In that time I have logged some interesting numbers:

103.8 - highest my temperature climbed
32 - ounces of lime-flavored Gatorade Rain that I have consumed
3 - number of cats that have napped on the bed with me
21 - total number of kleenexes I had to spit into because it hurts to swallow my own saliva (my tonsils or some glands or another are so swollen they are protruding out of my neck!)
4 - pounds I have lost due to the aforementioned inability to swallow
7 - average number of models per day that Booger Cat and I have watched get eliminated from the America's Next Top Model Marathon
Umpteen - the number of feminine hygiene product commercials that are on daytime television - I'm talking tampons, yeast infection treatments, yeast infection tests, birth control pills, birth control rings, pregnancy tests, ovulation tests, and amped up KY jelly designed to turn women from unwilling participants in their marital relations into "a screamer." Believe me, after having a 5-foot Q-tip shoved up my nose so the doctors could go spelunking in the name of medicine to rule out swine flu, I don't really want to think of any of my other orifices having anything else anywhere near them.
825 - amount of mg of amoxicillin in ONE of the two gigantic pink pills I have to swallow twice daily

That's my THUMBNAIL it's next to. And here's what's unbelievable - I LOST one of them when I opened the bottle to take this shot. Yeah. I know. It's like losing a sequoia tree, but somehow I managed to do it.

I knew this was gonna happen. Stress causes me to get sick and the other day (after a particularly frustrating day of bureaucratic retardation at school) my cheese completely slid off my cracker and I threw my purse down the aisle at Walmart.

So it is possible that I may have angered the Walmart gods.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Oh Baby

Yahoo Answers

First of all - this stupid guy is breeding. Second some girl was stupid enough to let him "impregat" her.

Saturday, May 09, 2009

The Mother of All Questions

MyPoolBoy just asked me if today is Mother's Day or tomorrow.

Guess that means that he hasn't really thought through this year's card or gift, huh?

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Memo To My Son

Attention: Thunderduck

From: Me

Subject: Your car parked across the street from my house

Message: The neighborhood pigeons have gotten extremely lazy and are no longer roosting in the trees aiming for your vehicle. They have now taken to standing directly on your windshield and crapping at point blank range.

Friday, May 01, 2009

Boom Chicka Boom

I was talking to NurseRatchet yesterday and she told me something HILARIOUS about the bomb threat. Once we were evacuated, the bomb squad and dogs came sniffing around in their kevlar for about 3 hours... they went through all the rooms, checking cabinets, desks, etc.

Good heavenly days - can you imagine what they thought of my classroom with all the plastic flamingos and rubber chicken?!?!?!? It's such a mess it already looked like a bomb had gone off in there anyway. "Whoops, Ted, we're too late for this room."

Anyway, the guys had already had one heartbeat-skipping episode when the found a rubber snake in the cabinet of one of the Ethels' rooms.
So they make their way through the building and end up in the nurse's clinic to continue their thorough searching and sniffing for the non-existent bomb. While they were back in the office part by her desk they had the next big scare.

Now. Let me just interject a tidbit of information for y'all: NurseRatchet is OCD/Anal Retentive, ummmm, I mean, "organized." Like all school nurses, she has a schedule of when kids need to take meds or come in for asthma inhalers or whatever. But NurseRatchet has taken it to the next level and actually has about 15 alarm clocks labeled with children's names set to go off at the time that each child is supposed to come to her.

One of the alarms went off while a bomb squad guy was in her office.

He told her she needed to pay to have his pants laundered.

OMG Y'all

I am a b+ch.

I did NOT click the button that says likes this on the ExGFs comment when she left MyPoolBoy's friends list BUT she got back ON his friends list today and I SWEAR she is posting within 10 minutes of everything he puts on there. So after her last comment I just commented "piss piss mark mark" to let MyPoolBoy know that I was marking my territory... as long as I am the last one to post I can still hold onto the claim that I have staked.