Friday, April 30, 2010

Why I Drink Reason #376

Actual conversation I had with a student today while trying to get them to COPY their research source notecards onto a Works Cited page.

ME: First put your cards in alphabetical order on your desk.
STUDENT: What's that mean?
ME: Alphabetical means ABC order.
STUDENT: I don't have anything that starts with A.
ME: (through gritted teeth) You don't need an A. Use the first letter of the cards that YOU DO have and put them in order. What one comes first?
STUDENT: This one? (points to the card that starts with M)
ME: The words on your cards start with M, L, and P. What is the first one?
STUDENT: The one with M
ME: No, no... in alphabetical order - which one comes first? Say the alphabet and think about the letters.
STUDENT: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M
ME: Ok. Stop there. What card are you going to put first?

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The State of Texas Owes Me a Big Bottle of Grey Goose

I figure I could just go to the liquor store, grab a bottle off the shelf and tell them to charge it to TEA.

I. Am. Tired.

Locked in a classroom with 16 8-year-olds until 2 pm for 2 days straight. And it is PMS week. Really. You think the state would have asked, "Hey, are you going to be PMSing this week, cuz, if so, we can reschedule the TAKS testing." No.

Also. Not allowed to say anything besides what is in the scripted freakin' "Administrator Manual" to the freakin' kids. And TODAY there was a big-a$$ horsefly in the room. First of all, I don't even know if he had been properly trained with the TAKS trainer modules to even be ALLOWED in the room. He was a big fly. I'm talking Food of the Gods big-s$$ Jeff Goldblum FLY. Let me just let you all know that there is NOTHING in the test administrator manual about how to go about executing a big-a$$ Food of the Gods Jeff Goldblum FLY during the "testing opportunity." Can't whack it with a student booklet cuz it might create an unnecessary mark that could be construed as an answer on the answer document. I was afraid to use the actual Administrator's Manual because what if I needed it later to read the "special phrases" for kids who didn't bubble in all their answers? I also was not sure that a flyswatter was an allowable instrument in the testing environment - the state doesn't issue them with the testing materials, so I was not going to request one -- you know, in case it was not approved by the state and could create a testing "irregularity." I also could not WATCH the big-a$$ Food of the Gods Jeff Goldblum fly because then I would not be "actively monitoring" the students.

Let me just clarify that I did not ALLOW the unauthorized Jeff Goldblum fly into my classroom (aka: the "testing environment") because, you, know he probably just teleported into the room anyway.

So what was I supposed to do? Freakin' unauthorized non-trained Jeff Goldblum was in my room for FOUR FREAKING HOURS and I was PMSing. I needed to kill something, but was in an intense quandary about how to go about it.

See? They need to issue me a voucher to the liquor store with the "secured testing instruments."

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Breaking and Entering

HOLY CRAP! Someone broke into the travel trailer. Thunderduck is taking his turn at being the white trash offspring by living in it out in the back yard. With the pitbull mix dog that he adopted from the animal shelter. So he came home from work at lunch and went to get his new wimp-a$$ pitbull mix dog and take her back out to the trailer. And then he discovered the missing items that he had to subsequently report to the Peyton Place Police Department with a straight face: miscellaneous DVD's, old broken cell phone, deli-sliced lunch meat, cheese whiz, and a bottle of Boone's Farm.

Obviously, not criminal masterminds. My guess was stoners. Or middle-schoolers. I was right. On both guesses. Please read on and let me prove this point.

Like I said, Thunderduck came home from lunch, discovered the "crime", went into the house, and immediately took action as a responsible citizen of our community and called the authorities. After that, he went BACK out to the trailer and had lunch with the "petbull."

Now. HERE's where it gets really good. The "burglars" came BACK! Yep. I guess all we can get in Mullet County are mentally inferior burglars. Just so I can blog. They opened the trailer door while Thunderduck and Foxy, the petbull were having lunch. Thunderduck sat bolt upright and yelled "what the f*ck!" and Foxy the petbull stuck her head around the corner of the sofa to see who was at her door. She then proceeded to bound down the alley after one of the mentally inferior burglars. And Thunderduck chased the other one.

Yes, officers, I believe you can identify the perpetrators by the fear-induced crap in their pants and the pitbull slobber all over one of them.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Biker Night

First off. WOW. This is post # 666. Woohoo! It's official. I AM the Devil! I am playing a lot of old schlock country music on the jukebox and Thunderduck and the boys are not happy. Too bad. We are in a higher tax bracket than their little boy selves are and I can afford to play the jukebox more than they can.

Also. There is one of those effing Dr. Dumore flossing gadget thingies in the bathroom floor at the front of the bar. Look, people. I am all for personal hygiene. Especially if you are taking the idea of "get a room" to the next level. Good for you. However, if you notice the opposite side of the facility, there is a lovely trash receptacle provided for your convenience. Use it.

So. Last night MyPoolBoy got a text from an old poker buddy wanting us to go to Biker Night at the Laundromat/Bar - So we went. I wore my hooker boots that I bought at the thrift store for 18 bucks. They have officially been dubbed my "Get Off My Corner, Bi+ch" boots. I heart them. And I rode bi+ch.

Anyway. Where was I? Ok. There I was. At the Laundromat/Bar on Biker Night. With a bunch of old bikers. There was chicken and rice in some sort of old biker pot-luck meal thing of which I would have partaken if I had known that its origin, but since it was BIKER NIGHT, I was not taking any chances with my personal safety. Then they had a raffle. The big prize was 50/50 and the smaller prizes were a couple of biker DVDs, about 4 biker pictures, and 2 bottles of Jack. As in Daniel's. I was asked to draw the tickets because (I am not sh1tting you) I quote: "You have the most honest looking face here." Yes. This was from a guy who very obviously, did not know ME.

Ok. Now that you have stopped laughing... I go to draw the tickets and I swear, even though I have read the handwriting of 8-9 year-olds for a living for over a decade, I was completely unable to decipher the handwriting of these old dudes.

So, to sum it up, here's what I learned about myself from this experience. Drunken tasks I CAN do: Pee on fire hydrants. Recite alphabet backwards at ungodly speed. Drunken tasks I CANNOT do: Read drunken biker scrawl on the back of a raffle ticket.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

For Thunderduck - Whose Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys

Here's the news footage:
RIP, Texas Stadium

Here's a tribute video some guy put together:

Monday, April 05, 2010

Ok. Wait. I Figured It Out.

Google is just pulling my blog address and not a specific blog entry URL.  Furthermore, if I undo the Customizations setting on the Google search results, my blog drops down to #14 for "Jesus Pez" queries.  So the miraculous and awesome powers of updating the "Jesus Pez" results for which I was giving Google credit are unfortunately unfounded and I am utterly disappointed.  Crap.   The magic is gone.


Google is totally FAST!  I was showing MyPoolBoy how if you Google "Jesus Pez" you get my blog as the second entry, and now it already is showing TODAY'S post as the result for "Jesus Pez."  

Is this some sort of personalized Google thing or is everyone getting every single post about "Jesus Pez" that  I write at super-lightning speed? 

Yes, Virginia

So.  After my post yesterday about the pulpit/bar and the possibility of Jesus Pez dispensers, and after one of the girls on Banned Camp posted a picture of her son's toy train set with a Jesus action figure tied to the tracks with Mardi Gras beads, I couldn't stand it any longer and I Googled "Jesus Pez."  

First, I am thrilled to report that my blog comes up second on Google if you type in "Jesus Pez." 

After THIS.

Sunday, April 04, 2010


Last night Felix and I went to an auction and she wanted to buy a big-a$$ telescope, but she saw some old dude looking at it who was going to outbid her. She was muttering under her breath that he needed to quit looking at it and that he didn't need it because he was too old. I told her he DID need it because he was old and maybe he had lost his reading glasses. So then we started snorting and laughing and causing a disturbance and we got dirty looks from MyPoolBoy and her ManSlave.

Then they had a huge-a$$ fan that Felix threatened to buy and put in her classroom to help her counteract the hot flashes because her a/c won't get down to sub-arctic or whatever setting it is that she thinks is going to make her comfortable. I told her to have at it - I didn't want it because I stay freezing all the time. So they go to put it up for bid and tried to demonstrate how it worked. It didn't. I told her that I needed that fan for MY classroom!!!!! And we started snorting and laughing and causing a disturbance and got more dirty looks from the boys. So we didn't buy that, either.

However, I DID buy a pulpit for 10 bucks at the auction - and, no, I am not going to start my own religion just so I can wear a hat. Actually I plan to make a bar out of it. Mr. Nasty Bear now has a permanent, logical home. I figured I could offer 2 choices at my bar: water or wine. Probably Blue Nun. And I may need some pie plates to take up an offering when we need to go on a beer run. I also plan to get some to-go cups for the bobsled ride to h3ll that I probably will be taking once it is all said and done.

So. I am bad. But I think this is not as bad as the cross-shaped Easter candy I saw at Walmart. 2 varieties - chocolate and grape sucker, which was near the empty PEZ display. Please tell me there were not any Jesus PEZ's or I will fall over.

Thursday, April 01, 2010