Saturday, March 26, 2011

Oh H3ll, Alma Mater

 A BannedCamper posted a lament that she was tired of her university calling and asking for donations from her for the alumni fund. Really.  I mean we’ve already paid THOUSANDS of dollars to them in tuition, and now they want MORE?

First of all, they need to look and see what your major was before they call.  Liberal arts or education majors have VERY LITTLE MONEY.  Worse still, liberal arts AND education majors (like me) have NO MONEY.  Blood.  Turnip.  Get it?

Other gals offered some seemingly practical advice such as:
“Put them on the blocked list.”
“Look at the caller ID before you answer.”

No. No. No. No.

These call banks are manned by undergrads on work-study programs who A) just need to make a quota of contacts by the end of their shift and B) are probably still hung over from the kegger at Zeta house the night before in addition to being hopped up on Folgers Crystals, Red Bull, and NoDoze from studying for mid-terms after the kegger before they had to show up for their appointed duties.

Here’s my advice.  Talk to them. Start off with, "Thank GAWD you called. I sat next to this dreamy guy in my sophomore statistics class and fell hopelessly in love with him, so I signed up for every class he had the next 4 semesters. I was able to find out where he worked, and I would drive past it every day.  However, by the time we graduated he had a restraining order on me, but I think it has expired by now, and I would LOVE to get back in touch with him because I have been thinking about him all these years. I still have pictures of him all over my house.  Do you think you can help me find him?"

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

This Post is in Need of Emily Post

What is the etiquette or hygiene guideline for taking a drink into the bathroom with you?   You can't leave it on a table or someone will slip a date-rape drug into it and then you have to do the whole "but you drugged me and brought me home and now you're saying that I'm annoying and you've changed your mind" routine, and that never turns out well.  Or, worse still, you can leave it on the bar and the bartender will think you are finished (ha! Me leave a drink unfinished?) and clear your glass from the bar before you return.

I surmise that since the beverage in question is an alcoholic beverage, the alcohol would theoretically kill the germs that might come into contact with it in the restroom. Hmmmm..... GHB or CDC? Decisions, decisions.  So, where does one SET your drink once you have entered the facilities?  I ended up setting my Long Island Iced Tea on the little soap dish dippy area on the sink while I peed like a racehorse several times this evening (vodka = lack of bladder control + diminished sense of personal well-being).

You know, you learn all these flippin’ rules about hygiene when you are little.  Rules like: cover your mouth and nose when you sneeze, don’t eat the yellow snow, wipe from front to back, etc. etc.  No one in a Baptist family ever talks about “drink in the bathroom” rules, nor was this topic covered in my high school health class (they were all so worried about us getting knocked up during some drunken moment of misguided teen angst and lust that we didn't get any PRACTICAL health advice that pertains to imbibing!).

Here’s a great idea.  I’m gonna invent something with a drink-holder that attaches to you somehow… specifically designed to hold your drink while you make a potty run.

Oh wait.  I’m too late.  That invention has already been created.  It is called a BOYFRIEND.  There is a slightly less reliable and more expensive version of this invention called a HUSBAND.  The latter of which I have.

But I think mine is an older model that doesn’t come with the drink-holder attachment.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Facelift Complete

I am now the owner of a PINK CONVERTIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Oh Boy Oh Boy

I have watched this about 14 times today and I CANNOT stop laughing!!!!!!!!!!!
Animal is the best part.

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

What Are The Odds That This Is My SECOND Post About Raccoon Sex?

So.  We were making fun of MyPoolBoy’s annoying poker friend from a while back cuz I saw him on a news clip about the county next to Mullet County.  And they interview HIM as a representative citizen of the community.  Which caused us to start discussing the “Deliverance-y” way of life that is rumored to exist in that neck o’ the woods.  Thunderduck and his crew began to elaborate upon the range of amorous combinations that exist over there.  Typical goat and sheep jokes – you know the drill.  Then I made reference to the raccoon sex blog I posted way back when, and that was enough for him to launch a reenactment of what he deemed to be the way it happens. 

It went something like this: “That might be a goat, but he’s kinda little and he ain’t got no horns. And he was wearing a mask.  He was my masked stranger of the night.  I waited up all night for the masked stranger.  I got some deer corn outta the deer feeder on the lease and sprinkled it on my windersill and then made a little trail like in Hansel and Gretel into my room so he had to come on into the room.  Then I got a box…. and I waited fer him…..”  
This brilliant entrapment mastermind is the second of my offspring who has enlisted in the armed services to serve and protect our nation.  I swear if I catch wind of him trying to trap “insurgents” with deer corn and a box I’m defecting to somewhere else until 2012 when I finally take over as Princess of the Post-Apocalyptic Leftover World.