Friday, October 31, 2008

I Scared Children This Year

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Poster Children

Red Ribbon Week was this week - in a desperate attempt to prove their inappropriately abundant knowledge of all things illicit, some of our little darlings made posters depicting the various alcohol and tobacco products that they knew they should Just Say No to.

It is sadly obvious that our kids are on the lower socio-economic end of the scale cuz the pictures were of Keystone, Miller Light, and Longhorn snuff. No Dos Equis or Michelob - not even real Copenhagen.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

New Vocabulary Word

One of the 1st graders had to do a "think sheet" today to apologize to his teacher for being noisy during class:

Dear Mrs. Teacher,
I am soruy. I will not dickarupt class no mor.

dickarupt /dik*uh*ruhpt/ - verb: to dick around as to cause interruption or disruption of a structured social setting.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

What a Flake

So, I had to eat cheerios this morning instead of my usual Special K with berries and I became acutely stricken by of one of my random moments of clarity and awareness:

When I finish eating cereal that is flakes, if there are a few small strays, I don't mind letting them dissipate and float out in the milk and basically go to waste.

Today, however, it was like no cheerio left behind... Not even a 1/2 of one. What is it about the ring-shape that made me deem it to be somehow more worthy of my consumption? I chased the little sumbi+ches all over their milky escape routes in the bowl with my spoon until they were completely devoured.

Friday, October 24, 2008

I won! I won!

I went to my box at school today and there was a paycheck in there. Hurray! I've won an all-expenses paid trip to the liquor store!

Been at Felix's all night, where I announced that if I lose 15 more pounds I'm going to start dressing like a slut.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Throw Me Something Mister!

PeytonPlace High School had its homecoming parade this evening and they changed its route to come down our street over to a vacant lot behind one of the elementary schools where the bonfire was to be held.

About 3 of my kids told me at school today that they would be riding in a float in the parade. I told them that they needed to save all their chocolate candy until they got to my house and throw it to me because I was down to orange tic tacs in my candy stash.

Then I sat on the back end of MyPoolBoy's pickup with a coffee cup (sans coffee - I was killin' off the box o' wine) and waited for the haul.

I got a lot of gum, plenty of tootsie rolls, some nestle crunches, and some other stuff that I pawned off on Chunk.

Oh, and some banana laffy taffy.
That reminds me... I need to go to the liquor store. I haven't had bananaramashit in a while.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Just Desserts

Our PTO has asked all the teachers to submit recipes for a cookbook that they are putting together for a fundraiser. They have decided that my grade level should contribute dessert recipes.

We're stymied.

The only desserts we're any good at are Pig Candy Meat Knots (1st/sober batch only, of course), Crackwhore Brownies (named for Felix's powdery-white condition after she makes them), and Jello Shots.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Impressed by Success

To atone for some irresponsibility-type sins, Thunderduck bought me a thrift-store copy of Success Hasn't Spoiled Me Yet. As he was checking out, he said the redneck lady at the register commented "You know, I saw him once"

TD: Oh really?

RedneckRegisterLady: Yeah, I was at a UT football game... I don't know why cuz we're Aggies at my house, maybe they were playing the Aggies... anyway this limo pulls up and the door opened and there he was --

Spuds MacKenzie!

TD (trying not to bust out laughing in her face cuz I've tried to instill in the boys that openly laughing at someone's mental shortcomings is distasteful and rude): Oh, really? Well, this is for my mom... she went to see Rick Springfield a few years ago.

RRL: Yeah, well, I've never seen Rick. I think I'd rather see the dog, anyway.

As disconcerted as I am that not everyone appreciates him as much as I, at least I know there's that much less competition.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Dumb Dog

Lurch's less-than-brilliant, obviously not bred for intelligence, 1/2 Rottweiler 1/2 cowdog is pulling on the rope that is holding the big brass piano piece up against the tree (it was SUPPOSED to have been made into a bar for me).

I informed her that if she succeeds in pulling the rope off, the big piece of metal will come down upon her head and they will write a sad children's book about her that will later be made into some tear-jerker Disney film where the dog always dies at the end. No one wins, especially not the dog.

She is not listening. Guess I should sit her down and make her watch Old Yeller a couple of times.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Oh My

I just had an impure thought.

Yep. I'm pretty sure it was impure.

If Steven Colbert was selling THIS for $350,000, he would definitely get some takers.

I think MyPoolBoy should pose for a picture like this for me for our anniversary.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Halloween Brew

I announced to the Lucilles today that I will be trick or treating their houses this year with a cooler. And I will be expecting a can of beer as my treat.