Sunday, November 29, 2009

Postponed Thanksgivng Post

This post was postponed because I spent the last 3 days of my life in holiday/relative h3ll... and holiday/relative h3ll only has dial-up.

Went to MonsterInLaw's for Thanksgiving. MonsterInLaw has been through several medical issues lately, so the plan was for all of us (me, MyPoolBoy, and various relatives that managed to show up) to do the cooking this year. We arrived about 9 pm Wednesday night, upon whence we were given the word by MonsterInLaw's brother and “wife," that they had already shopped for the big meal and were getting a few things ready so we wouldn't have much to do in the morning, and we could all just sit down and visit. "Wife's" son, 40-something-year-old-Rainman/Forrest Gump-with-a-comb-over-mullet-and-still-lives-with-his-momma was with them. I am not making up the comb-over mullet part. Wish I could. Also wish I had a picture. ANYWAY. Was told that he has an actual name, but that he goes by Thumper or Peanut or Pequot or Peathump or some crazy bullshi+ like that. Was further informed that this is the son that "wife" does NOT have a restraining order against.

FFWD to Thursday. After sleeping late (for me) on Thanksgiving morning, assured that it was all "good to go," I strolled into an empty-except-for-me-and-MonsterInLaw kitchen at 9 a.m. to find a HUGE-A$$ roaster pan of cornbread made and about a dozen hardboiled eggs. I had gone to bed Wednesday night with the erroneous feeling of security that the other 3 adults had it all under control. Looks like we're having deviled eggs and cornbread, folks.

Luckily, the turkey was being smoked by a neighbor and it arrived shortly. I ran in desperation to the computer (on dial-up, mind you, which took 8 minutes) and pulled up my holiday meal checklist/schedule (because the first part of being analytical is "anal") and checked to see how far behind we were before I officially started to panic. MyPoolBoy woke and came in shortly after I did, so MyPoolBoy peeled and put the sweet potatoes in the oven, I peeled the potatoes and put them on to boil for mashed potatoes, MyPoolBoy boiled the onions and celery for the stuffing, and then I looked through the dozen or so boxes of mason jars of canned food in the back bedroom closet to find the last surviving jar of green beans in the entire house. Threw in some of the onions from MyPooBoy's pot and a couple of crushed strips of pre-cooked bacon. Yes, it's lazy. I was stressed. Eff you.

At 10:45 the rest of them awoke to inform us that they probably needed to put the ham in the oven. We had looked for the ham. We couldn't find the ham. We assumed they had forgotten the ham. No, no, it's here somewhere... after more senseless and futile searching, Peathump says he might not have gotten it out of the truck yesterday. Peathump had, indeed, not gotten it out of the truck yesterday. It was thawed, at least. That's alright, we can cook it up pretty quick. No hun, it's a 10 freakin' pound ham. It will take at least 4 hours. It should be ready about 3 pm - I'm not waiting that long for lunch. We'll have turkey for lunch and ham for supper.

That decision made, we were then told that the rolls still needed to be baked. This was about 11:00. Frozen yeast dinner rolls. Still frozen. And they remained unbaked until the ham was ready. So much for having everything done ahead of time.

Then MIL's brother used ALL the chicken stock to make the world's largest effing pan of dressing - leaving none for me to make gravy, so I improvised with some bullion. At 11:25 it was decided that the 3 of them could not work another single solitary minute without more cigarettes so they set out to town - 30 minutes away, on a holiday no less - on a quest to procure cancer sticks. Thank God.

"Dear Lord, today on this auspicious holiday, I would like to pause and give thanks for other people's nicotine addictions and for the good fortune of me discovering a half a flask of Crown Royal that MyPoolBoy forgot to take out of the door of his truck before we hit the road."

Oh, yes I did. I started drinking prior to 11:30 a.m. On Thanksgiving day.

I yelled at MyPoolBoy and Thunderduck and Chunk to set the table quickly before they got back because I did not intend to spend another second of my thread-hanging-on sanity in the kitchen with any of them.

Here's the REST of the story:

Peathump was wearing a hospital bracelet because he had gone in for an injury to his arm or something and they wanted him to remember what day he was there in case he needed to go back for a check up or something. Which we thought to be odd. Then we found out why. Peathump is bipolar. And ADHD. And something else. And on multiple medications.

He was bemoaning that he couldn't get enrolled in one of them computer courses down at that there community college so he could use their computers for free because they wanted him to have a GED.

His Mom told us that she had a friend that had a tattoo on her belly of some guy's name and she wanted to get it removed. She said her friend had wanted to just cut it off with a knife and then bandage it up and she told her that was a bad idea because it would get infected. Her friend talked her into a compromise – to get the knife blade hot and burn it off. She told her that she would do it but she couldn't tell anyone who had done it. So her OTHER friend held her friend's arms down on the couch and she got the blade glowing red hot and laid it down on her stomach and then she saw her the other day in the pharmacy downtown and the friend was getting something for the scar... here I was ASSUMING it was something dumb she had done in a drunken dare as a teenager. No. This was apparently done RECENTLY and they saw fit to discuss it in the middle of their local neighborhood RiteAid.

At this point, I went to get a bottle of water out of the back fridge. I wasn't really thirsty but I had to leave the room to process this information. And to let Thunderduck know that he was missing the free entertainment that his common-law-second-cousin was providing for the holiday.

Then Peathump announced that he wants a male lion cub but the humane society won't let him keep it unless he can prove he can take care of it long-term. --- tried to tell him that no one would sell one to him, he retorted that you can buy them off of the computer... he thought that Bubba H. back home had one at one time and that's where he had gotten it. (hand to Gawd - the guy's name was actually Bubba)

This is where I went to go get pie. I wasn't particularly hungry, but I had to leave the room before I peed on the couch.

Peathump complained that he couldn't see the numbers on the phone to dial anyone because his lithium makes his vision blurry.

This is where I left the room for no particular reason whatsoever. And I just stood in the laundry room and tried to freakin' BREATHE!

Peathump told us that he met some girl off of “that fubar on the computer” and he talked to her on the phone a couple of times, but he wanted to make sure that he wasn't going to meet or date her before he knew if she was gonna be able to hit him as hard as a man could and she told him that she was schizophrenic and he decided he didn't want to talk to her anymore.

I think I need a t-shirt that says "I survived holiday h3ll with Peathump and all I got was this lousy t-shirt." And I need another drink.

Bohemian Rhapsody - Not Queen

Animal: Mama..... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Coming soon.... the Thanksgiving post that was postponed due to the fact that MonsterInLaw still has dial-up.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Team Work

MyPoolBoy came up behind me and started kissing on the back of my neck. Very romantic. Then he bit me. Hard.

I told him I felt like I needed to rush out and get a Team Edward or Team Jacob shirt before the moon got full.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Holy Vaca - This is HILARIOUS!

Put on your Depends before he gets to the second verse because it will cause you to laugh till you pee .... you've been warned --

If I'd had known this caliber of educational material was available, I would have had MyPoolBoy watching it in lieu of going to Spanish class.  We could have saved all that gas and tuition money!

Second Semester of Spanish Love Song - YouTube

Friday, November 20, 2009


here is how boring my house is right now.... Thunderduck just asked me how to use the spot upholstery cleaner.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Toil and Trouble

Thunderduck and Chunk were at school with me last night while I cleaned up my table and graded a few papers. Thunderduck and I made a reference to Macbeth, and Chunk popped up with "what's that?" We laughed at his expense, of course, and then I told him that it was a Shakespeare play. He said "How was I supposed to know that?" I told him he needed to get some culture. Then he asked me, "How am I supposed to do that?" Thunderduck told him it was easy: he could just "Google that shi+." To prove his point, Thunderduck did exactly that. He Googled "how to get culture" on one of my classroom computers. He called Chunk over and said, "Here, look at this" and proceeded to click on the first link. Which brought him to this:

That's right. Access Denied.

Peyton Place School District will educate your child, but we will not expose them to culture!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Dance Instructor

Pretty much decided tonight that Def Leppard's Greatest Hits should come with a pole-dancing how-to booklet in the CD case to get your potential stripping career off to a fabulous, successful start. I figure we could get rich quick, $1 at a time.

Friday, November 06, 2009

Prize Winning Idea

DrunkenFelix and I decided tonight that we are like the Mother Theresas of abandoned beers and shots we should get Nobel Prizes for rescuing them from their orphaned state when they are left - paid-for - on the bar.