Monday, June 23, 2008


Felix got this humongous ring for her anniversary. Like, "if-we-go-out-looking-for-a-bi+ch-to-cut-at-the-coast-this-summer, I-will-push-Felix-out-in-front-to-whack-her-with-the-bling" big.

Which brought this thought to my mind (because I DID ask the question - you know the one...)

The first time you score a diamond in a relationship, the man gets down on his knee and proposes.

The next time you score a diamond (i.e., an anniversary ring), the WOMAN must have been down on HER knees!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Dear Rick

This is too funny!

"Not like the last 3 concerts...."
"Please call me"
BWAHAHAHA! I LOVE this chick!

See, all I did was send him a MySpace message asking him to design my trampstamp.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Design My Tatt Challenge

This is what I posted to my MySpace Bulletin. I thought I would open it up further to the rest of you. If you want to send me a design and you don't have my email, then leave me a comment and I will arrange for you to send it to me.

Ok, so MyPoolBoy has convinced me to get a tramp stamp (lower back) tattoo that says Jesse's Girl, on the condition that he sign a contract stating that if he ever does anything to make us break up, HE has to pay for the removal of said tattoo as part of the divorce settlement. I refuse to have any reminders in case there is an unfortunate drunken incident at a strip club or something.

You can't get too much more white trash than that!

And Rick Springfield - if you actually read this (since you are on my friends list) I know I left out the "I" but that's how MyPoolBoy spells his name.

BTW I'll probably pick yours automatically if you enter the challenge, so give it a shot - you're a shoe-in!

The rules for the rest of you who are NOT Rick Springfield:

1) I want "Jesse's" on top of the word "Girl" (nasty to say, but that's where I like him! - apologies to my sons for that horrible mental image, but you know your parents DO still do it occasionally)

2) It has to be in lettering that is legible (legible means readable for those of you who graduated from PeytonPlace H.S.). Let's face it - I'm 40 and the only people who will be looking at it are MyPoolBoy (who is also 40), my friend Felix (older than 40), and possibly some dirty old men at the beach. All of whom have failing eyesight due to their advanced age.

3) I would like some sort of simple scrolly-looking decoration at either side to "spread" it out a little.

No fire shooting out or bat wings or crazy crap like that! It's my back, not a '78 Camaro!

4) You have 5 days (4 1/2 really) to submit your entry - by Wednesday, June 18.

We are trying to time this so that
A: Felix and I can have a road trip to get the tatt one day after summer school and
B: It will heal before we go on our beach trip

5) I would prefer just plain black design or VERY little color. Pink, perhaps.

6) Submit your design in GIF format (so that it will print clearly for the stencil for the artist)

7) Once you submit your design to me and the ink hits the skin, you lose all copyrights to the image. Your design will be presented on the lower back of my veryownbody, of which I have recently lost 12 pounds and tanned to the beautiful golden doneness of a pork chop. It will be highlighted further by my latest Walmart acquisition - a white monokini bathing suit.

Happy Designing! May the best tatt win!

Friday, June 13, 2008

DDD (Dear Dumb Dog)

Here's a little memo for Weasel:

Dear Dumb Dog,
Stop barking. There are 3 reasons why you are making a fool of yourself by barking right now:
A) You only weigh 5 pounds - no one is scared of you
B) Your leash is tied to the table - there is no way you could do anything about it if anyone WAS scared of you
C) It's "Daddy" coming through the gate anyway - it's not even a real intruder

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

White Trash Contract

Told MyPoolBoy that I would get a tramp stamp that said "Jesse's Girl" if he would sign an agreement stating that if he ever did anything to cause us to split up, he would pay to have it removed as part of the divorce settlement.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Fashion Alert for Men

If you are scrawny AND old...

Button your dayum shirt.
You are not fine. You are not sexy. You are not even cute.

I don't need to see it while I'm eating.

Sweet Revenge

So my little tormentor from the regular school year who thought that he would be free and clear of me for summer school because he assumed he would have a special ed teacher was WRONG!


One of my girls told him in the cafeteria this morning that I was at summer school.
"No way!"
I walked up behind him and he put his head down on the table.


SO today he starts acting up in class and I escorted him to the hall and informed him sweetly that there IS NO ISS in summer school and if he got sent to the principal he would get sent home and would NOT be allowed to come back.

His eyes lit up.

SO he says "will I be able to go to 4th grade"

wait for it...
wait for it...
It was killing me - making him suffer - no, you won't be allowed to come back so you won't get credit for being


Then he so smartly says: "What if I wait until the last day and do it"

(step on into my parlor said the spider to the fly)

NO! You have to be here every day to get credit for it!

The next 12 days are going to be absolutely fun!

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Light Up My Life

Can we speak of candles? I'm baking brownies and the smell is wafting through the house, sparking a discussion of how the candles you can buy that are supposed to smell like cookies or whatever never do. If they made some that REALLY smelled like brownies or chocolate chip cookies I would SO buy them. And probably try to eat them.

I'm thinking that the candles that smell like "Fresh Linen" (laundry) are of no use to me unless my MonsterInLaw is coming over and then I might light some up just to make her think I've been doing housework!

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Hand to Mouth

Boys - think about this a minute

I know we hygiene-pushing girls (From you mom to your wife/girlfriend) nag all the time about washing your hands after you go to the restroom. Here is the one sobering thought that will probably make you as much a believer in post-potty cleanliness as us:

If you go pee, and you do not wash your hands, and you later put your hand to your mouth (or even in your mouth to lick off hot wing sauce) - you are essentially giving yourself a bj.

I'm just sayin'....

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Ten Kinds of Freakshow in One CraigsList Post

My comments are bold italics - couldn't resist

Very Complicated Request, Please Kindly Read!!! - m4mw - 35
Reply to:
Date: 2005-02-08, 8:53PM PST

If you are groggy or stoned please do not read this, (if you are not groggy or stoned, get that way quick, cuz you need to be in order to wrap your brain around this weirdness)
I need your complete and sober attention, for my request is uniquely detailed ("uniquely detailed" - read: insane).
I am a man, 35, white, black hair with brown eyes. Okay, first what I am looking for is a woman primary, but secondary it could be a woman and her man, but the man will have to remain behind the black curtain and only watch through the cut out eyeholes. (freakshow #1)
The black curtain is inside the apartment that I reside in. This apartment is a fashionable studio in the hot part of town (no a/c),
and all my neighbors are graphic artists (gang taggers).
So now please kindly listen to my request: what I require foremost in a woman with bushy eyebrows (freakshow #2).
And they must be TWO eyebrows, because one eyebrow is an abonination against Gaia (what? YOU are being picky about unibrowed women??? THAT's your dealbreaker???).
What I want is for the woman to become naked and pose herself before me (don't all men?).
I have a carpeted pedestal (old shag ottoman that homeskillet fished from the dumpster)
so her feet will not grow cold (how thoughtful of you).
I will present her with a very well preserved Mesopotamian bowl.(freakshow #3)
She will hold it and she must be careful not to drop it as it has to be back at the museum by 8am tomorrow (I am a worker there) (I bet you aren't now).
Next I will hand her tweezers.(freakshow #4)
Then she will pluck her eyebrows until her forehead is vacant. (like your skull/ freakshow #5)
The eyebrows will drift into the bowl and then I will take the bowl from her and go to my kitchenette. (freakshow #6)
I will then toss a salad into the bowl and mix the eyebrows in it. (freakshow #7)
The woman can decide the dressing, but I have only vinegrette and thousand island. (hmmmm. decisions, decisions - what kind of dressing DOES one put upon eyebrow salad, and will there be a soup course as well?)
Next I will re-present the bowl to the woman, along with a utensil, (probably a spork that you lifted from KFC)
and she will then consume the salad while I watch. I may masturbate during this part of the exercise. (freakshow #8)
However, if there is a man behind the black curtain he may not masturbate, and I will know if does because I will hear him. (what? do you have superhuman hearing now like the Bionic Woman?)
However, he is allowed to fantasize, and then he write an essay on his fantasies before I release him. (freakshow #9 - this is akin to the TAKS or SAT writing portion of the freakshow)
After the woman is finished with her salad, I will present her with a Qing dynasty teapot box, which she will open and deficate in. (I hope you're not grading the essay cuz you spelled defecate wrong - freakshow #10)
She must be careful with the box as well as it is also from the mueseum (again with the museum - go to the dollar store and buy your ancient teapot boxes and you won't have to worry about your job security)
and it must be returned or there will be trouble. (with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for POO!)
When she is finished she will return it to me, and I then I will bid her good-evening. That is all. Please send a photo, eyebrows only. I WILL NOT respond to any photos that include anything but eyebrows.

Please, serious inquiries ONLY. THIS IS NOT JOKE. So do not make funny replies to it. I have no patience for impertinence. Good day.

I'd also like to know who is going to wash that friggin' teapot box before it goes back to the museum?

Making Up

Ok, people, buy me something!

I just discovered a make-up line called Jesse's Girl Cosmetics ( and I have decided that ALL my makeup needs to come from them. No shipping on orders over $20.

MyPoolBoy needs to get out his credit card.

Cialis, Seriously

Aside from the fact that Felix was hit upon with the line "I'm on Cialis and I have 6 hours left" this little pharmaceutical miracle (?) has prompted MyPoolBoy to spout forth his own wisdom.

The commercial warns that if you have an erection that lasts more than 4 hours you should consult a physician. MyPoolBoy mouths off that if he had an erection that lasted that long he would be having a party.

Why? So you could whack a pinata with it?