Sunday, December 23, 2012

I Survived the End of the World and All I Got Was This Lousy Head Cold

I've been stumbling around today feeling light-headed and a bit groggy.  My thoughts are all fuzzy and a couple of times when I've sat down to rest, I ended up falling asleep... like the time Felix and I passed out in the booth at Denny's.  And I'm all thinking.... WOW that's some really strong....wait a minute...  I haven't been drinking!  WTF???

Now I have to deal with the horrifying reality that I am sick instead of drunk.  I can handle the latter...I'm actually pretty adept at it.    What I want to know is which one of my little heathens at school gave me their cooties as a Christmas bonus?  Somebody's parents let them come to school while they were infectious --and as soon as I pinpoint the culprit, Santa's elf will be delivering some last minute kazoos, play dough, fingerpaints, Christmas candy, and Red Bull for your child's stocking.  I may even leave some noisemakers and confetti for New Year's Eve. 

So what do I do if all of this hahaha-I-can't-think-straight is because of illness?   Like a head cold?????????????  Or a sinus infection??????????  Or worse yet..... I can't bear  to say it -- I dare not invoke the Eff Word by name.  Look, all I'm saying is that it is a homophone for flew and flue and I will not call upon it -- it's like saying MacBeth or Beetlejuice or some bullsh1t like that. Because THEN I will be sicker than Linda Blair in The Exorcist and unless I grow antlers and hang out under a deer stand eating dried corn, no one around here is going to hold my hair for me when my head spins and I spew pea soup.  

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The Hangover

My eyes were really red from allergies and exhaustion this morning.  As I was attempting to douse the bloodshotedness from them with about a half a gallon of Visine, taking care to dribble equal portions down my neck as well as into the crow's feet alongside my eyes, and therefore creating a trail of pharmaceutical tears into my ears, thereby necessitating an extra 15 seconds of "getting ready" time that was eaten up with meticulous q-tipping of the stray Visine before it penetrated my eardrums and permanently deafened me or some equally unlikely and ridiculous sh1t like that. 

It occurred to me as I was squinting into the mirror that my eyes looked REALLY BLUE  when surrounded by red, inflamed ocular tissue and thus I am probably really pretty when I am hung over.


Then I started thinking of other reasons besides the attractiveness of my eyes that make hangovers not such a bad thing.

Getting there.  Any parts of the night before that can be recalled, whether from personal memory or Facebook posts, often make the "morning after" extremely worth it.  If this is not the case, then you are partying with the wrong people. 

Shades.  Specifically, wearing them when other people are not.  This makes you look cool.  If you don't look cool, the hangover advantage is that you don't give a rat's a$$ about how you look. 

Skipping breakfast causes weight loss.  If all you are consuming during the duration of your hangover is aspirin, coffee, and nicotine from chain smoking to take the edge off until the liquor store opens back up, then you will INEVITABLY lose weight.  Atkins ain't got nothin' compared to a few good hangovers. 

A day off.  You will look and sound like h3ll.  You might even be puking.  No one will question that you are ill. 

Hair of the dog.  What other ailment can you think of that could actually be made better by exposure to liquor?