Saturday, January 28, 2012

I Got New Glasses

QueenB got me a set of glassware (ok, barware) for my birthday.  It is beyoooootiful classy retro with gold pinstriping around the pitcher and glasses.  It also has a long stirring spoon.  I cannot find anything like it on Google images or eBay to compare and confirm what exactly it is we've got here.  Basically the pitcher is shaped like a large brandy snifter with a lip for pouring.  The glasses are all little rounded cups - demitasse-sized.

Here's the thing -- she was told it was an antique martini set, yet the pitcher and glasses are not shaped like one would expect for such imbibements.   I have almost decided that the pitcher COULD be for sangria.  (But not as a pitcher.)

Also, I have deemed those little glasses as useless if such is a case.

You can't seriously expect me to keep refilling those tiny little f*ckers.....They must be for doing shots or are just coordinating votive candle holders.

Saturday, January 21, 2012


Was looking at shoes for the re-wedding on Craigslist this a.m. just in case I want to deviate from the original plan of wearing the acrylic hooker heels.  Found a gorgeous pair with beading and cute little strappy across the back.  BUT they are a half size too big.  MyPoolBoy said we should go ahead and get them if we are going over to TheBigCity anyway.  I tried to explain to him in the simplest of terms to make his testosterone-infused brain understand that you can walk inebriated down the aisle with Elvis in shoes that are too SMALL because you can kick them off later and be ok; you canNOT walk inebriated down the aisle with Elvis in shoes that are too BIG because you will turn your ankle and fall and break your neck. 

"Woo hoo!" he said, "Single in Vegas!"

Friday, January 20, 2012


MyPoolBoy and I are approaching the 25-year mark.  Felix and I had planned this whole thing out a few years ago  and I am happy to report that roughly 30% of it may actually make it to fruition.  Unfortunately, Felix will not be unable to go to Vegas and attend the wedding, and there are no Rick Springfield concerts for me to get the proposal or groom that we had planned, but ELVIS WILL BE INVOLVED. 

Some of the Lucilles think I need to have a Bi+chelorette party (not a typo -- I'm not a bachelorette). 

I'm going to have to locate a big ol' Barbie dress for the ceremony -- been scouring Craigslist and if I don't either A) lose enough weight to be a size 4 or B) gain enough weight to be a size 16, then I am S.O.L.  I attempted to achieve goal weight B today by consuming an entire sleeve of  newly-purchased Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies.  I don't think I can make it by the 2-week deadline. 

Therefore, MyPoolBoy and I are going to thrift stores this weekend to find THE DRESS.  Please don't text or call or email me and tell me I can borrow yours.  You are missing the point.  I need to go dress shopping and I need to find something that will go with my tiara, acrylic hooker heels, rhinestone cateye shades, and vodka.

YOU: Don't want cosmos and/or appletinis spilled all over your heirloom garment.
ME: Extremely capable of spilling cosmos and/or appletinis all over your heirloom garment.  

Anyway -- I thought it would be great fun to change my status on Facebook to "engaged" instead of "married" to MyPoolBoy until the re-wedding occurred, and FB said it had to confirm this status with MyPoolBoy. 

Silly Facebook!  Don't you know that after 25 years, I don't need his permission for ANYTHING?

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Please Stab Me in the Eardrum

Who besides me cannot stand to hear the moronic and badly syncopated lyrics of the Truvia commercials as sung by that annoyingly nasally bi+ch?

Dear Truvia and/or Truvia's marketing agency representatives:

Quit bogarting the crackpipe.  That is the only explanation for how such inanity made it to the airwaves.  That and the chick who sings your jingles must be doing  somebody really important.


P.S. Just cuz you b@stardized "Jingle Bells" does not make it a holiday song, either. 

Maybe the Truvia jingle is what the drag queens are singing "watermelon watermelon motherf*cker watermelon" to.