Sunday, February 27, 2011

Check It Out

MonsterInLaw sent me some birthday money in the form of a check.  I hadn't gotten around to spending it until just this week, but I was thinking that I SHOULD have messed with her in the process of enjoying my little spending spree. (BTW, I got some new clothes and an old-timey laundry/washer/plunger thing for the laundry room - so, thank you again MIL!). 

Because she lives in TheMiddleOfNowhere, which is a suburb of BFE (Bum F*ck Egypt) in the county of Podunk, she banks at a local bank where EVERYONE knows yo' bidness.  I have decided that NEXT year, if she sends me a check I will write in the memo line to express my gratitude AND create a stir.  It will be something that will cause her to get razzed by every teller at her bank (all 2 of them), and perhaps get a few strange looks in the grocery store.  Like:

For  Services Rendered 
For   Sex Change Operation  
For   Bail Money  
For   New Tattoo  
For   Exorcism  
For   Lip Piercing   
For    Blackmail Payment 
For   STD Antibiotics   
For   Pole Dancing Lessons 

Her only real chance of escaping me was 24 years ago when the preacher said "If there is anyone here who can show just cause...."

Friday, February 18, 2011

Yea Team Go School

For all the Lucilles on college t-shirt day 
Or for QueenB (just because it is her favorite saying) 

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Can't. Breathe

I am laughing so hard. Mascara running down my face.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

School Is a Social Disease

So.  Last week I got really wiped out on Thursday and ended up not feeling well enough to go to school on Friday.  Then Duckit got sick today and ended up getting having to stay home with strep for TWO days.  I told her strep just stood for Sick & Tired of Redundant Education Policies and that she wasn’t really sick but she should stay home anyway cuz at least STREP would look good as an excuse.

So then Bi+chslap and I started coming up with some REALLY good acronyms for excuses which can cause me to call in sick to my job.  Excuses related to venereal-type ailments.  Afflictions that no one would question if you called in and claimed them.

STD – Sick & Tired, Dammit

CLAP – Completely Losing All Patience

CRABS – Children Really Acting Bad & Stupid

WARTS – Worrying About RTI Totally Sucks

HERPES – Had Enough of Ridiculous Public Education Sh1t

AIDS – Attitude In Downward Spiral

CHLAMYDIA – Children Having a Lack of Appropriate Meds Yielding Distress In Adults

SYPHILLIS – Stupid Yelling Parents Hysterically Insisting Little Lucifer Is a Saint

GONORRHEA – Getting Overwhelmed by Nonsensical Orders, Redundant Requests, & Hot-air from Educational Administrators

I decided the only cure is a dose of vitamin B.
Plus an accompanying dose of vitamin E.
Then an additional dose of vitamin E. 
And top it off with a small dose of vitamin R.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Off Like a Cheap Prom Dress

How to Be Stuck At Home
An instructional resource for your entertainment by WTP

Roll over and ask MyPoolBoy to turn the heated mattress pad back on for me.  Lay in bed while the sun rises.  Remark to the 2 dogs and cat who are hogging the lower portion of the bed that I never even get to see the sun rise on weekdays because I am usually inside the school building.  Stretch left leg when Littledog  jumps up to run to see Chunk leave for school.  Push Bigdog with right foot in order to gain enough space to stretch right leg to evenly distribute the stretchy sensation to both of my lower limbs.  Shove Cat over to MyPoolBoy's side of the bed and proceed to fashion a recliner-like fortress of ALL the pillows to make my own comfort a priority.  Close eyes and contemplate going back to sleep. 

Go ahead and get up because Bigdog has decided she wants to go outside to potty.  Open the back door and leave it open so she can let herself back in while I make a pot of coffee.  Close back door when Bigdog reenters the house.  Acquire a cup from the cabinet.  Shake half a package of Splenda into the cup.  Check fridge for milk.  Ignore the surprising presence of a nearly-full gallon of milk in the door of the fridge and get out the Bailey's instead. (I'm not going anywhere today.)   Add the precise standard measurement of a "smidge" to the cup.  Pull coffee pot off of hotplatethingy of the coffeemaker and pour coffee in cup.  Think to yourself: the h3ll with waiting.  Clean up mess that results from taking the coffeepot off of the hotplatethingy before it was finished brewing. 

Set coffee down on nightstand.  Go pee.  Look down and check out belly button piercing.  Promise self to change over to the cute rhinestone dangly instead of the plain silver ball.  Finish peeing.  Strip off all pajamas and get on scale in nothing but panties.  Mentally note the 0.2 pound weight loss.  Muse that this could be a sign from the universe to restart my diet and drink a protein shake for breakfast.  Go back to kitchen.  Notice the big box of Frosted Flakes.  Notice that I notice because it is calling my name.  Wonder where the saying "calling my name" comes from.  Think that I should Google it later.  Pour a heaping bowl of Frosted Flakes and procure the milk that I ignored earlier.  Go back to bed to eat cereal.  Eat a bite.  Shove Cat off of lap.  Eat another bite, using left elbow to persuade Cat back off of lap.  Eat another bite.  Invite Cat to the floor.  Insist Cat stay on floor.  Move Cat to hall against his will.  Shut door and tell Cat to shut up when he meows and interrupts your breakfast.

Take leftover milk in bowl to kitchen sink.  Tell Cat that NOW he can snoop in the bowl and give himself diarrhea by drinking all the leftovers if really wants it.  Go back to bed.  Drink coffee and channel surf.  Flip past news programs.  Flip past meaningful self-help infomercials.  Flip past gardening show.  Watch weight loss success story reality show.  Think I should have a protein shake for lunch.

Decide to check out an old sappy Hallmark frog prince Valentine movie that I had recorded a few weeks ago.  Click SELECT.  Fast forward past all commercials.  Drink more coffee.  Start thinking bizarre thoughts about the movie:  Roll eyes at the cliche scene when little girl decides to set frog free rather than euthanize it in the name of science for her dissection project.  Think about writing an obituary for a frog when he CROAKS.  HAHAHAHAHA!   Think about writing a blog post about frog obituaries.  Finish watching movie.

Nap about 30 minutes. Continue dishonesty-with-self policy by justifying that over one hour is ABOUT 30 minutes.

Wake up hungry.  Reheat leftover eggplant parmesan and spaghetti for an early lunch.  Repeat Cat shove, Cat elbow, Cat floor, Cat exile process through placing bowl in sink step.  Make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dessert.  Use too much jelly.  Wipe excess jelly off of bread onto a saucer.

Check email while eating PBJ.  Think about blogging.  Answer phone when MyPoolBoy calls.  Get pissed when he doesn't say anything at the other end.  Decide to hang up.  Look at screen to disconnect the call and notice that it is a text message, not a real live phone call.  Reply to text message.  Notice tips of nails need a touch up because I neglected to put a topcoat on them last time I painted them.  Think about redoing nails.  Set down computer and roll back over to watch Supernanny.  Yell at tv screen to bust those kids' butts.  Startle Littledog when I yell.     Have fleeting thought about getting up.  Ignore that thought.  See a commercial for Clean House.  Have fleeting thought about cleaning house.  Ignore this thought, also.

Blog about what I've done all morning instead.