Saturday, March 16, 2013

Intruder Alert

So  Last month we got this heads-up email from an administrator telling us that the district safety crew was going to conduct a test to see if we would let evildoing strangers into the building. The gist of it was that they were sending in a mock intruder and we were supposed to follow correct procedure and protocol.  Correct procedure and protocol is this: everyone is on red alert for a big ol' effed-up game of "Where's Waldo" except Waldo doesn't have a stripey shirt OR a visitor's badge and we were to immediately accost and then Spanish Inquisition the poor guy until he gets flustered and forgets that he was there to do whattheh3llever evil deed it was that he had originally intended to perform upon unsuspecting helpless schoolchildren.... which only proves that everyone completely underestimate the "helplessness" of the schoolchildren in my homeroom.

Anyway, I was cleaning out my inbox and ran across the email.  And I got to thinking -- hey!  No one ever said how things went.  Did they never send anyone after all?  Did they send someone and they forgot to let us know how it all went down? Was it all a big hoax just to keep us on our toes?

Or here's my REAL suspicion: Someone DID get in and NO ONE caught them and the poor sonofab+ch is still wandering aimlessly around campus.  Guess we'll find out after Spring Break.

Saturday, March 09, 2013

Three Little Words

So. The Larva got married tonight.  And The Lucilles showed up and very crassly began to shove tables together so that the reception area would suit OUR needs and who-the-h3ll cares about your effing wedding ettiquette just don't run out of beer and I will sort-of behave.

Seriously,  if the matron-of-honor's speech contains the words "I had too many Jello shots" then it is really too much to ask us to pay attention to a seating chart!

In lieu of a guest book at the door, she had this photo-book that I immediately noticed bore a very close likeness to a high school yearbook.  Luckily, the night was still young and I was still sober, so I was able to contain my urge to sign it with typical yearbook quips such as "stay kewl" or "I want to be the first to sign your crack!"

During the course of the evening however, I failed to restrain myself and I managed to: help DownUnder take her first shot of tequila EVER, danced the first Dollar Dance with the bride and shoved money into her cleavage.  AnD SOMeONE had the brilliant idea of leaving cards and pens for us to contribute Marriage Advice to the happy couple.

Our table(s) had some great ones:  Nothing says I Love You like clean underwear,  No women at the deer lease, There are other things you can do in the kitchen besides cook, and a gem of a quote that only proves that once I have had beer AND tequila, all implements of communication should probably be taken out of my reach:

Condoms Sometimes Fail.