Sunday, September 30, 2007

Locker Room Talk

Ok, so we are on week 4 of decorating the football locker room for the PetyonPlace Packmules, and another mom and I have more or less been relegated to the signage that is to go in the restroom/urinal area... due to our inability to keep it lady-like. Last week when our poker-themed decor included a hand of 5 suited cards glued to a "Flush the *Rodents*" sign, her "Kick Ace" sign mistakenly got painted to say "Kick A$$" and she joined the ranks of the rank.

This week we are playing a team of felines. She wrote on the TOILET PAPER with a sharpie -- rolled it out about 20 feet each roll and wrote Wipe Out the *Felines* and rolled them back up!
(I think I may have found a new soulmate)

We also got a sign up that says "Packmules Go Hard!" (a saying that some of the boys yell in the huddle) -- We countered the other side of the urinals with one that says "*Felines* Goes Soft" - complete with wrinkly pink letters! Add to the mix the "Send 'em to the litter box" sign, the "Control the Pet Population: Neuter a Cat" sign, and our soon-to-be-infamous "*Felines* are Pu$$ies" sign.

We are probably going to burn in the 7th level of poor role model h3ll for this.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Grudge Match

Weasel (the one in the dog suit) and Old Hateful (Thunderduck's mean old cat) waged 2 battles this morning at THE FOOT OF MY BED BEFORE 6 a.m. thus sealing their love for one another in the classic snarling, growling, spitting, hissing manner mankind knows as "fighting like cats and dogs"

Both are prayerfully lucky to be alive. .. Let me introduce you two dumba$$es to my little friends - thumbs. I have 2. The better to yank each of you up by the scruff of the neck and toss you off the bed and out the door, my dears.

Next match will be a steel-cage match cuz I'll shove their furry aggressive selves into the rabbit hutch and Walk. A. way.

Don't mess with PMS.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Basura Blanca

I amuse myself way too dayum easy

Latest Discovery and a small rant

Note my new link:
Behind the Counter a blog by a Walmart employee. Yes, Walmart. Lists crap that gets stolen, and stuff that is returned to her store. Refers to children as HOWLER MONKEYS - ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and -
I've endured the Parade O'Tattlers as long as I can stand. I asked my students today if they would like to know why I choose to teach 3rd grade -- after I set the bait I hooked them with "because I don't want to teach Kinder or 1st or 2nd so quit acting like them"
One of them wants to move her desk in class because one of the other girls who doesn't like relish made fun of her at lunch LAST WEEK for putting relish on her hot dog.
why, yes - that was my head exploding, thanks for noticing
Prozac - take me away!

and -
After math today, (when my kids couldn't do a FIRST GRADE problem for the math center I set up) I decided that if I had a gun and a bridge I would jump off the bridge and shoot myself and see which one would kill me first. .. But we're more worried about parking...

don't even get me started

I wish I drove a HUGE-A$$ car, though

Friday, September 21, 2007

Honk and Screech and Pole Dancing

I know that means nothing to most of you, but I just wanted to say HI to the FrenchTickler and thanks for the mood ring! It is in the pouch with my tiara!

Anyhoo we were at *the restaurant where I am not allowed to yell the F-word anymore* and we had a good time but a miserable time cuz we were upstairs on the upper deck and at 5pm we moved to the lower deck and they would not let us take the food that we ordered on the upper deck down to the lower deck (some lame-a$$ excuse about not having glass downstairs was the first reason - which we all shot down with "why are there glass beer bottles and salt shakers and candle holders then?") Then I think we were labeled as troublemakers and we scared off waitress #1. Well, MyPoolBoy got REALLY pissed when he went to leave to pick up Lurch from football practice because they said that it would cost 10 bucks to get back IN cuz the band was SUPPOSED to be playing at that point and there was a cover charge for the lower deck. By the time he got back the band was STILL not playing so he got back in, but it was tense/ugly for a while and then right before we left, they were gonna make us pay the 10 bucks to STAY AT THE TABLE THAT WE HAD BEEN AT FOR 3 HOURS ALREADY and DrunkenFelix called the manager over and let him have a little piece of her mind, also.

ok - rant over - on the up side, the ladies room on the lower deck has a big pole in the way RIGHT when you walk in the door, so our new code for going potty is now that we are going to Pole Dance.

Oh, and today was the "dog trial" (Yes, this is how our public justice system is at work in Mullet County) MyPoolBoy got to be a witness for the defense testifying that the only time we ever heard the dog barking was when the old man blew his air horn at it.

Also - I think I may have developed myself a new little sobriety test
Level 1: Still fairly sober - you have enough control of your thigh muscles to hover over the potty so that you don't catch an STD from a public toilet.
Level 2: Mildly intoxicated - you're a bit woozy so you decide to put toilet paper on the seat in case you can't hover as well as you initially anticipated.
Level 3: Pretty much drunk - the h3ll with it - you just plunk right onto the seat, cuz there can't be too much there that wasn't there before, and you're just grateful that you didn't fall all the way in or mistakenly go in the men's room.
Level 4: Wasted - You wake up in the floorboard of DrunkenFelix's car as she is driving you to Walmart and asking you what size underwear you wear cuz you need a change and she is going to buy you some new ones.

Edited to add: Lurch just read this. He asked me if Level 4 was actually true. My children really do think the worst of me. BWAHAHAHAHAHHA!

Thursday, September 20, 2007


Our latest episode (school and community) went something like this: Youth Football sold pizza kits and cookie dough 1 week before the elementary AND middle school sold crap to the unsuspecting public - and the elementary and middle school used the same company so it was the EXACT SAME CRAP. The fundraiser for the middle school came home the same day as the middle school band's fundraiser - which was also crap, just different crap. By the end of the week the youth soccer teams began selling cookie dough (cheaper than the football teams, but alas, no pizza kits)

The poor soccer kids couldn't sell anything .... everyone's checkbooks were smokin' from overuse!

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Book 'Em Horns & Starbucks

bwahahahahaha! Saw that phrase on a news site somewhere talking about the latest 2 UT football players arrested (for possession of marijuana, I think). I guess they're gonna need some tiny little handcuffs for the forefinger and pinky when they hold it up for their' hook'em sign.

At least if the players are incarcerated the State of Texas won't need to buy more orange jumpsuits -- they can just let them use their JERSEYS!!!!!


Made the mistake of venturing south o' the bridge to the new Starbucks since our favorite Java place is closed on Sundays.
Yuppies were spilling out of BMWs and SUVs all over the parking lot, milling about the order counter and reading their non-local newspapers IN LINE! I sheepishly got some pumpkin spice latte and got the h3ll out before I caught whatever it is that makes you vote for a liberal.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

I have O-fficially found the world's biggest nutcase

Dude....quit bogarting the crackpipe!

Certified freeze-dried whackaloon from the inner circle of crap-throwing sock-monkey crazy.

Oh - and apparently he's been injected with clay.

A Memo TO: Thunderduck

RE: Our conversation about my posting Noah Drake's MBHBS video (see Sept 7 entry) to which you referred to Mr. ShouldaBeenMyBabysDaddy as BRUCE. You have made the most unforgivable of faux pas. Duly note the name of the girl at the party. (I'm sure it was spelled with an "i" at the end!). Please listen to the lyrics of the song as it plays and pay close attention to the photo about 1 1/2 minutes into the video - right after all the "Bruces." That's for you.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

It's Official...

I am a catty mean-spirited bi+ch --
I could not resist video-ing this woman at the youth football game on Saturday. She either really didn't think those girls knew the routines without her or else she missed out on being a cheerleader in school and had some serious second childhood issues -- or maybe she's just big for her age -- or got held back....a bunch of grades (in that case, she is really a lot better than the others)!
btw -- I enjoyed this WAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY too much, therefore I added music to cover over my shrieks of laughter! (which only made me laugh harder) The only way this could've been better would've been if I had a SPQ margarita or some Pineapple Vodka to go with it. And maybe some popcorn. And MilkDuds.

Sadly, not only am I a bi+ch, but I am also a bad mother - cuz I spent more time video-ing her than I did my child on the field playing football!

Friday, September 07, 2007

Mind-blowing Headboard-banging Sex

Why, yes... yes I do think it would have to include that....

Why isn't this offensive-sounding coming out of HIS mouth?

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

burned finger on popcorn - bandaged awkwardly

cajgian't typievpe foriojraw shi0wtkij4t

also - i was cleaning the bathroom sink and retrieved something seriously resembling a wookie embryo from the depths of the drain. just thought you might need that information for later.

Sunday, September 02, 2007


I just found out that I weigh more than Oprah.

Someone please shoot me.

So I looked at her Boot Camp. Now I have decided I am pi$$ed at her -- "People always say, "I'm too busy to exercise," "I have to be there for the kids," "I've got too much work." You know what? These are little lies you're telling yourself, and they go against the laws of self-preservation, because the more whole and healthy you are, the more fully you can give to other people."


Sure I may be making excuses for myself to a point -- but your exercise program is unrealistic for me - I get up at 4:30 am as it is (to squeeze in 30 minutes of exercise) -- sometimes I don't get home until 9 or 10 pm. The only little lie I would be telling myself is that I could get by on even less sleep in order to do your program for 1 or 2 hours a day.

Glad you lost the weight...but the holier than thou bs has totally turned me off.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

All I wanted was some freakin' BBQ

Dear Dumb Bi+ch,

Let me give you some call-in order etiquette lessons - When you phone in your order you need to order EVERYTHING and then wait off to the side of the line while they retrieve your order when you arrive to pick it up. You should pay promptly and get the h3ll out. You DO NOT go in, get in line, forget your cell phone, get the kid in front of you to hold your place in line while you go get your cell phone from the car, get back in line, tell them you are there to pick up your phone in order for B******W*** and that it is 5 half-chickens & a pint of macaroni salad, but then pull out your list of more crap that you decided you wanted to order and tell them that you want the extra 1 1/2 pounds of brisket to be cut extra lean and can you get another pint of macaroni salad (the last one - leaving none for the rest of us) and 6 ears of corn, not to mention that you get on your cell phone while they are scrambling to update your huge-@ss order and whatever moron you have on the other end of the line wants 3 brownies and potato salad so you tack that on for the already frazzled counter staff to try to get for you, too. I am standing right behind you -- the "dirty knife" bucket is mere steps away and they don't serve beer at this establishment anymore so that I can sedate my PMSing self into an alcohol-induced level of pseudo-patience to keep from going to jail over you.

I now know your name -- everyone in the place does because we heard you remind them 1000 times while we waited over 20 minutes for you to get all your order finished -- and if I see you on the street I will probably accidentally run you over 4 or 5 times.