Friday, February 27, 2009

This Is Why You're Fat

This is why you're fat.

Wow. Bacon wrapped mozzarella sticks.

Wagons Ho!

I got a desperately needed laugh today courtesy of the students. I had them on the computers on a pioneer webquest site that helped them know how much all their stuff that they were packing in their wagons would weigh. The goal was to keep it all under 2000 pounds. About 15 minutes in, one of the groups realized that they should have been scrolling down to find some of the other supplies like tools and first aid kits. One group read it out loud and they overheard it... and then started:

"First aid kit? Where's the first aid kit? Scroll down! Scroll down!"
"There it is!"
"Awwww, man! It weighs three pounds - we already have our wagon full."
"So take something off..."

"Get rid of the Bible!"

So later on they dump some more stuff and one of the kids wants to put the Bible back on the list for the wagon, and THIS conversation happened:

"We don't NEED the Bible - what do you think they needed a Bible for?"
"In case they got bored on the trail, this would give them something to do..."

"Oh yeah, like they couldn't just pray if they needed to (and here she put her hand on her hip and started the neck rolling business) - 'Please God help us survive our trip to Oregon.'"

I'm figuring this might be how the Mormons ended up with different Bibles than the rest of us...somebody chucked theirs off their wagons on the way to Utah and they had to start over writing it when they got there!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Sham - Wow Video

Sham - Effing - Wow.

I needed a laugh. School sux.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Please, just stop that incessant - BREATHING

So I had a completely exhausting and frustrating day thanks to the continued ineptitude of our spec ed folks. One of them scheduled a conference with one of the parents at the same time that I had an ARD with the other one for a different student. So apparently now they are not only not communicating adequately with me, but they have digressed into not even communicating with each other. Needless to say it was a HUGE inconvenience for me, but I don't think it ever dawned on them.

And now, I have decided that I cannot put up with any other human being on the entire planet. None of them. And MyPoolBoy is sitting next to me eating dinner. And he is making sounds while he eats. And he has the nerve to be BREATHING. And he is making sounds when he breathes. STOP BREATHING BEFORE I MAKE YOU STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not in the mood to put up with his gawdforsaken BREATHING. Perhaps he will choke on his dinner. Aw hayul no, that would make noises too!

Thank God I still have valentine candy left over. And there are diet-killing chocolate cookies that Lurch brought home from the bakery. And wine.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Movie Night

I have long been a fan of Mystery Science Theater (the movie and the series, until it jumped the shark with its stupid sub-plots) Here's Mike and the crew doing what they do best and proving why I love them in the first place: making fun of movies. Saves me money on vodka and the trouble of having to come up with witty smart-a$$ comments all by myself. MyPoolBoy is more tolerant of them than he is of me.

Click on the preview link for the movie of your choice, when it's done hit the escape key to go back to the page again.


Get Down

Last night we were on the deck of our local hangout and PreFriend came up to have a beer with us. DrunkenFelix had called her to come check out some guy that we, as true friends, were going to "help" her pick up. On my way to the men's room, I opened the conversation with a comment on the smell of the candle burning inside the bar... it smelled like syrup. He said it reminded him of a Denny's and I retorted that it was more like a Waffle House. PreFriend was not entirely impressed - she said he looked too preppy for her. Then Felix reminded her that the guy she had given her phone number to on the night she fell on Main Street was at the table across from us. PreFriend was unconvinced. She said I don' know what you thought you saw that night, but NO. I proceeded to lay on the deck and tell her that from THAT angle (flat on your @ss with beer goggles) he looked perfectly datable!

Put That in Your Pipe


Oh, oops my head hit the table when I saw this. Organic tobacco. I guess now that it's all-natural it is good for me. I can take up smoking now!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Grin and Bear It

They've been advertising on the Discovery Channel about that survivor guy rinsing off and eating bear shi+ in the newest episode.

MyPoolBoy is even grossing out.
But I said it is better to eat bear shi+ than to BE bear shi+ like the guy from that grizzly documentary.

And now he's trying to get down into a canyon and he said that he needed to find something to help him get down quickly. Ummmmm.... gravity????? That'd be pretty quick.

I Cannot Believe What I Just Effin' Heard

I am at the bakery having my ritual Saturday a.m. breakfast and Lurch is at the counter waiting on this non-blonde blonde.

HAND TO GOD she just asked if they have any Rice Kripsie Treats. WTF?????????? Peroxide Poisoning.

Chick. Did you miss the part in the commercial where the lady PUT the flour on her face? It was all a big Hollywood smoke and mirrors trick. You know, like special effects and shi+. You really can make your own Rice Krispie treats at home with minimal effort.

So. I am dying laughing and MyPoolBoy is unsuccessfully trying desperately to keep me contained. I at least waited until she went into the restroom before I busted out in uncontrollable fits of snorting. That, I think is demonstrative of remarkable restraint.


Valentine's Day - you people! I've done this twice now....

Actually, this year I do have a std comment:

Mono - the herpes of the middle school set.

So, I woke up in fine form this morning, and sans vodka, I have been rather mouthy and HILARIOUS to ME -- MyPoolBoy does not appreciate my random tidbits of humor as much as I do. Told Lurch he should keep a tally chart in the back of the bakery to see how many of the last minute purchases are made by men vs. women. Also referred to the "Ethels" of the "Lucille" posse as "underlings." (MyPoolBoy DID laugh at that one)

Here's what caused the biggest eyeroll of the morning:

It hit me that this song has a bit of a pedophilic aura about it, simply because of the way that Conway Twitty's voice sounds so old-mannish to me and his alcoholic psuedo-Elvis slur to his words is reminiscent of some old octogenarian who has left his dentures on the nightstand back at the home. If Conway was comin' at ya with the DT's it would almost look like he was palsied.

"Come here darlin, let me kiss you..." BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Who Nose

One of our aides comes in my class to help with science at 12:30. Today we were walking around the room helping kids and she pulled me aside with this keen observation: You have more nose-pickers in your class than any other class I go into.

To which I replied: You know, we just had lunch... I can't imagine that they still feel hungry enough to have the need to do that!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Man TV

Since I got home at 6pm, MyPoolBoy has had the tv tuned to a Rambo marathon. Chunk came in to say goodnight and asked what we were watching.
MyPoolBoy: Rambo
Chunk: 1? 2?
Me: Does it matter?

Goodnight,y'all. It's all I can take.

Sunday, February 08, 2009


We made it through the big 5-0 blow-out party for Baloney, complete with a huge red velvet penis cake. (Don't mess with us, we will get you back with illicitly-shaped baked goods...You thought the Uterus Cake was bad?) We sliced it with a meat cleaver.

Some of the non-regular staff and faculty came, a tribute to what a true matriarch that Baloney is to our campus. She rates. One of the gals requested that although they would never be able to aspire to the position of Lucille, and there was a healthy respect for that, she DID want to be dubbed as an "Ethel" Ok, Ethel, Wish Granted. Please note that you will now be fair game for me to mention in my Blog and if you ever do anything embarrassing in front of me, then your name will be changed from Ethel to whatever embarrassing nickname I drunkenly decide to use in reference to you hereafter.

AND there was beer pong. AND one of the Ethels crawled on top of the beer pong table. AND...

We had a bonding adventure. All I'm gonna say is at least we didn't toilet paper anyone's house this time.