Thursday, June 30, 2011

Heat of the Moment

Due to the fabulous margarita-melting temperatures we have had around here lately (103, 104, 105) I have had occasion to hear some interesting hyperbolic similes, metaphors, and other creative figures of speech to describe the severity of the heat -

Hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk.  I have not personally tested this culinary method, though my family has been known to make “dashboard pizza” a few times. Besides, I don’t even like fried eggs.  And is there BACON??????????????

Hot enough to make you sweat like a whore in church.  My first impression of this phrase caused me to wonder if the whore was wearing a hat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hotter than blue blazes.  This one has been uttered frequently by MyPoolBoy – I am not really sure if it means anything in particular, other than perhaps a vague reference to the blue portion of a flame that is heavily dependent on an oxygen-rich environment and low soot emissions.  And it is usually temperatures that are in the multiple-hundreds so this is inaccurate also. (Wikipedia- did you seriously think I knew that sh1t off the top of my head?)

Hotter than Hell.  This one has given me more than one moment of pause for reflection and consideration.  Hell.  Really?  Several points to this claim are flawed.   I suppose they could mean Hell, Michigan, which I generally think of when it gets really cold and folks send around pictures of the signpost with icicles hanging of of it to show that Hell froze over.


Taking into account that the typical high temperature for Hell, Michigan during the month of June  is in the 80’s according to then following THAT logic, one can, in fact, claim that it is hotter than Hell.

If they are referring to the Hell that, as children in Vacation Bible School we learned is “down there,” then maybe Hell is in Australia.  Maybe Perth.  The record high temperature in Perth, Australia is  115 degrees.  In which case I would have to argue that it is NOT hotter than Hell if Hell is “down there.”

Variants that I have heard are hotter than Hades and hotter than the hammered-down hinges of Hades. (Or Haiti?  Maybe they said Haiti.)  This makes me think that we’re talking about a mythological “underworld” which would be located somewhere in the vicinity of, oh, the molten iron inner core of Earth.   9800 degrees. And we are NOT hotter than THAT because it would cause face-melting like the Nazi dudes in Raiders of the Lost Ark after they looked in the Ark or spontaneous human combustion or some other Ripley’s Believe or Not sh1t like that! Following this logic, we could not be hotter than the hammered down hinges of Hades because in order for a hinge to withstand such heat it would have be able to to be hotter than  9800 degrees to maintain its shape and integrity to be hammered down enough in order to keep its occupants in their rightful places.

See?  That’s the price you pay for sinning you sinful sinner!  Just look at this whole heat wave as training and conditioning for later. And go get me another margarita.