Wednesday, June 30, 2010

You Know What?

They have these handrails in public bathrooms. So that when you have had 3 beers and are attempting to "hover" so that you don't get preggers or catch an STD from the toilet seat you can catch yourself before you fall. Wasn't that nice of them?

Thunderduck is trying to ignore me. He is NO FUN.

The Crazies Invent a Sport

I work with some extremely crazy people. Not a big surprise since you have to be crazy to hang with me anyway, but this time I laughed SO HARD. Dehydration laughing. Cuz you are peeing and crying from laughing and you lose all your bodily fluids from both ends and get dehydrated and have to go get more beer.

We were at StripTease's house and Duckit and Felix and I were all sitting on the couch and MyPoolBoy was across the room in a recliner trying his d@mnedest to ignore us as we were laughing and snorting on the couch over stupid stuff. First of all, StripTease had a chili pepper pinata hanging from the rafters of her back patio which overlooks the golf course. (This is important for later) Since Duckit and I have been white-trashing up our hallway and classroom doors for the last two weeks (leis, mardi gras beads, feathers, glittery posters), and we plan to continue to do so NEXT week (only worse - fuzzy dice, Nascar flags, etc.), we immediately had the same thought: we need that! We said it at the same time and fell into fits of hilarity which incited an exaggerated eye-roll from the recliner. We figured it would be the culminating decoration would be this glorious pinata after we put up balloons, then a flamingo windsock, then chili pepper lights. StripTease said we couldn't have it. She knows we're up to no good. Then Duckit and I decided that we should go and buy our own anyway - a multi-colored BURRO/jacka&& one - it would be funnier anyway! Duckit also mused out loud if there was a way that we could rig it to attach to our door handles so that when we opened and shut the door it would raise up and down! More fits of laughter from the couch. More eye-rolls from the recliner.

Then we got into a discussion about pets because I was telling Felix about our rabbit, Al, that she gave to me after she rescued it from her dogs. I started explaining the zoo at my house to Duckit and when I got to the description of the lizard that we used to have I told her that I had to call the campus secretary one time and tell her that I needed someone to cover my morning duty because I was running late because the lizard got out and was in the a/c vents and we had to catch him before we left because we were scared Wild Kingdom would go down in our house cuz the cats would stalk and eat him while we were gone and we didn't even have that Jim guy to call the play by play and catch it all on film for posterity. That reminded Felix of the most ridiculous call to work she ever had to place: her dog was raped.

Felix then begins to explain the scenario to us about how she once had this little cocker spaniel in a fenced-in area of her yard. The neighbor's German shepherd jumped the little picket fence and got frisky with her (you know what I mean). Ok. Wait. The German shepherd got frisky with the cocker spaniel, not Felix.... just had to clarify that pronoun antecedent. Anyway. They got busy. As busy as dogs get. And then it was canis coitus interruptus when Felix went out the back door to yell at them to stop. (Did you see all that Latin? Aren't you impressed? It's not even PIG LATIN). So back to the dog rape. When Felix yelled at them to stop, they didn't. And the cocker spaniel was still "attached" to the German shepherd. And the German shepherd got scared and jumped the fence.

With Felix's cocker spaniel still in tow.

Over the fence.


Attached to the German shepherd.

So then Felix had to go catch them and separate them and take her dog to the vet to get a doggy abortion so Felix was late for work that day.

Again - fits of uncontrollable drunken dehydration laughter from the couch and annoyed eye-rolls from the recliner.

And then the "sports" began. A couple of the Ethels found some wiffle-golf balls and golf clubs. And they invented "Dodge Golf." And Dodge Golf is exactly what it sounds like. Take a bunch of your drunkest friends. Procure wiffle-golf balls and golf clubs. Line up across from each other in Napoleonic warfare juxtaposition. Hit golf balls at each other. Laugh uncontrollably.

You know what they say...

It's always funny until someone gets hurt.

Then it's hilarious.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

A New All-Time Low

DonnyCat is usually disgusting - I've mentioned that here before... his white fur doesn't really look white, he rarely bathes, usually has sticker-burrs matted in his fur, bleeding scabs from lord knows what kind of other words: He's unpettable, unless you just sort of scratch him on the back with a stick or a screwdriver or whatever object you have handy because you don't want to touch him with your bare hands!

This morning he showed up with cobwebs in his ears - WTF?

Friday, June 25, 2010

WTP Gardening Tips

Just saw that Thunderduck posted on Facebook he was getting off 1/2 day and he just got his check.  I replied to him that it was good because that meant he could pay for beer and snacks when he came home early to help finish building the fence around the garden because I caught a momma possum and her ugly piggy back baby possum heading out of our back yard and across the road to the neighbor's the other morning.  I even yelled at her to get out of my yard and that her baby was ugly, and I think that's why she just kept running.  I also think that's why the neighbors think I need therapy. I have a reputation.  Take that, you trespassing momma possum with your ugly piggy back baby possum.! And don't come back if you know what's good for you!  Possums (possi?) fear me. 

The development of this situation necessitates us finishing the fence around the garden because now I am pretty sure that the presence of the aforementioned possums is exactly how the zucchini and cantaloupe keep disappearing from my garden at the mere larval stages of development.  As eloquently as I try to put it, I am fairly certain that this is pretty much one of the more redneck things that have ever left my fingertips and gone out into Cyblogspace without the aid of liquid thought enhancements.

Hold my beer.  Watch this.

WAIT WAIT WAIT!  I could just post an ugly offspring of MY OWN on a lawn chair near the garden with a twelve-pack and let them throw the empties at the possums!  possi???? 

Like whack-a-mole.  Only with possums.

And beer cans.

Anyone Have Some Mack Daddy Grammar Skills That Can Handle This?

50's music on at the bakery.  Nothing that could lead to me blogging about  necrophiliac crooners or cougars with VD or anything.   Slow sock-hop type songs.  Told MyPoolBoy that it made me want him to take me dancing so I could grope him in the dark.  He just grunted.  I'm not sure if that was a Yes grunt or a no grunt.  My translation skills are waning.  

 I gotta get it figured out before this afternoon though cuz I need him to do some Dremeling on my tortoise-shell-rhinestone-cateye shades today.  Dremeling.  I'm not sure exactly how one would go about conjugating Dremel as a verb, and as close as conjugate is to the word conjugal, I am not sure I'm going to get into it with MyPoolBoy. 

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Heavy Medal

This mean-a$$ hateful old woman who was volunteering at the registration/awards table at Chunk's track meet yesterday unwisely crossed my path after I was hot, tired, and feeling especially maternal.  And I was nice.  Chunk had won his first event and gone down and gotten his medal for it earlier.  Towards the end of the meet, he got 2nd in his 2nd event and was so excited that he ran to their table and got in line for his next medal.

While we were standing there, DragonLady tells everyone she is only a volunteer, she doesn't have the results yet, please be patient, we're doing the best we can - then punctuates her message with: "if you don't like the way I do things why don't you volunteer and I can go relax." Everyone stood there stunned, because no one was being particularly rude or anything to her to warrant such an outburst.  I looked at MyPoolBoy with a big-eyed expression of disbelief to signal to him that I was tolerating her quite well, but there was a big knot at the end of my rope that I think was tied in the dark by an ADD 1st year Bobcat Cub Scout who had lost a couple of fingers in a farm-implement accident and couldn't find his glasses, so this particular knot's chances of holding me back much longer were slim.

Chunk stepped up to the table and told her he had finished 2nd in his event.  She said she didn't have the results yet, so he obediently stepped back out of the way and let the next person in line go.  Basically at this point, the only people at the table were folks waiting for medals for THAT event.  So a parent went to the coaches' tent and got the results. Chunk and one of his friends tried to be helpful and organized 2 lines, one for each volunteer.  And then he stupidly got into DragonLady's line.  

When the parent came back with the results, DragonLady started in again.  "Everyone step back I will do this in order you just have to wait for me to call your name."  Everyone did.  She started calling names of kids on the list by age group.  Most of the younger kids had already gone home, and we started realizing that she was just talking to the air by doing it this way, but she persisted.

Finally she got to Chunk's age group, and she called out the 1st place kid.  Then she called out the 3rd place kid (not there), and Chunk stepped up and told her he had gotten 2nd place.  Someone had put a check by his name that he had already received his medal (the check was probably supposed to be by the 3rd place kid, since he wasn't there), and Chunk told her no, he had been standing there waiting on the results the whole time (and he was nice and polite - I was very proud of him!).  She argued back that he already had it, he had a check by his name, and he replied that he got a medal for his 1st event but that he had been standing back and waiting for the results like she told him to for this medal.  She then THREW a medal across the table at him and said "I'm not going to argue with you, just take it."

wow.  Congratulations on your achievement, right?

And then the inevitable happened.  The knot slipped.  It must've been obvious - MyPoolBoy and Chunk started gathering their stuff and heading toward the gate cuz they knew the shi+storm was about to start.  MyPoolBoy lingered on the sidewalk at the exit gate and watched the trainwreck in helpless horror as I quietly (it's NEVER good when I'm quiet) stepped up to the table and said, "Excuse me, ma'am."

MyPoolBoy said something to the effect of "oh, crap, here it comes" and everyone around the table got dead silent.

I had the floor.

I nicely (stop laughing - I really was nice) told her that she didn't need to talk to the kids that way - he had been standing there patiently waiting like she told him to, and while I appreciated the fact that she was a volunteer, we were ALL hot and tired, but these kids are excited about these medals and she shouldn't just throw it at them and treat them that way.  She started to reply back and I cut her off with "Really honey, just rethink the way you speak to people."  And then I walked off.

Over in his little corner of eternal mortification, MyPoolBoy just shook his head and a lady next to him said, "Don't sweat it.  She's just saying what all the rest of us are thinking."

THANK GOD all I said was what EVERYONE ELSE was thinking.  Cuz if I had said what I was thinking, this would've played out a whole lot differently.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Not Kidding

I was talking to a friend who doesn't have kids the other day.  She said she and her hubby wouldn't adopt because you could never be sure what would happen.

From my own personal experience of genetically becoming a parent, I would have to say that, the million to one chance of the right sperm cell making contact and turning into a halfway normal human being is pretty much a crapshoot, too.

That's It

MyPoolBoy said I can have no more caffeine this morning. 

I'm On a Roll

From Gary Lewis and the Playboys:  

Walk along the lake with someone new
Have yourself a summer fling or two
But remember I'm in love with you and 

Be sure to stop by the free clinic before you come back home to me!!!!!!!!!!!!! 



I am really in fine form this morning and MyPoorPoolBoy is having to sit in public and suffer through it.  They are playing the 60's channel on the satellite radio at the bakery and I can't control my brain mouth at all.

First, Judy Collins - the Emily Dickinson of her generation, was on singing some lame sad bullshi+ song about why she is so dayum lonely (uh - cuz you are UGLY, Judy fix your hair and get some Max Factor after your face and then we'll talk about signing you up for Match.Com or PlentyOfFish.Com and we'll take a really fuzzy profile pic or something). 
Then THIS song came on: 

Now, I am pretty savvy as far as music goes and I thought I had heard them all.  But I must admit, this one was a new one on me.  So I listened intently to the lyrics and caught on to the gist of it all about 2 verses in..... and then I proceeded to make fun of it out loud:  

Last night at the dance I met Laurie,
So lovely and warm, an angel of a girl.
Last night I fell in love with Laurie -
Strange things happen in this world.

As I walked her home,
She said it was her birthday.
I pulled her close and said
"Will I see you anymore?"
Then suddenly she asked for my sweater
And said that she was very, very cold. 

Dude - she is either wanting you to give her the sweater as a birthday present or she is totally trying to strip you - go for it!!!!!!!!

I kissed her goodnight
At her door and started home,
Then thought about my sweater 

Liar!  You were thinking about going back and totally doing Laurie.  The only reason you thought about your sweater was that you had a huge b0ner and you needed it to camouflage your crotch. 

And went right back instead.
I knocked at her door and a man appeared.
I told why I'd come, then he said:

"You're wrong, son.
You weren't with my daughter. 

You were with my skanky cheating Cougar WIFE!  Thanks for bringing her home, though!  I haven't seen her in a few days -- btw, she has VD and it makes her have cold chills, did she mention that to you? 

Ok, there's more - his necrophiliac-self went to the cemetery to find her and his sweater was on the tombstone, but I really wasn't listening too much anymore cuz I was laughing so hard at my own Cougar/VD comment that I had to look up how predictably predictable the rest of the song went:   blah blah blah - just dig her up, a$$hole, and quit whining already!

MyPoolBoy told the people next to us that I was off my meds.   BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Drive-By Pie

Just was downtown eating at a cafe.  Hand to Gawd - Bi+chslap's oldest child came in, asked the waitress to let him taste the pie, and SHE GOT A FORKFUL OF PIE FROM ONE OF THE PIES IN THE CASE AND LET HIM HAVE A BITE.  Then he walked out. 

I would love to know how he got that deal to go down, cuz I *heart* pie.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I Hear You Knockin'

Jehovah's Witnesses came to the door. Outside of Lurch (who just talks in circles and confuses the crap out of everyone anyway), MyPoolBoy is hands-down the best religion-repellent that I know. He opened the door, they introduced themselves and asked his name, and then they started their spiel. MyPoolBoy interrupted word #3 or 4 by saying "No Thank You" and so they asked him if he knew anyone else they could go talk to. WTF????? The Jehovah's Witnesses are working off of referrals now? Is it some sort of pyramid scheme? I guess they figure that despite the pulpit bar in the back yard, anyone who knows us definitely could use some saving. Do we get some sort of dove-tail afterlife commission for this referral? Anyway, he said no and they started talking again, and he just shut the door in their face. So they left. He was headed back to the door to give them each a free kitten, but it was too late.

They would have been Jehovah's KITnesses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then I ran across THIS: A two-headed kitten (can't call it a Siamese kitten because he is black and white). But good heavenly days they named him Two-Face. wow. That must've taken you all night wrackin' yer brains to come up with that one. How'd you get so all-fired clever?

Cougar Moment of the Day

How much does an Italian soccer player cost? I would like to buy one, please.

Sunday, June 13, 2010


Felix has beaten my White Trash Moment of the Day. On the way home from town, she turned at the corner to her street where there is a convenience store. There is also some construction work going on in that area, so there were a couple of port-a-potties off to the side of the store. As she pulled onto the road, she saw one of the port-a-potties tip over... and standing BEHIND the port-a-potty was a dude taking a p!ss.

Don't know why he was BEHIND it instead of in it. Don't know why he knocked it over. WTF?????

Thursday, June 10, 2010

An Addition to My List of Talents

I have appointed myself the official funeral bouncer of this family.

I will HAVE to explain this in detail later because I am on MonsterInLaw's computer and there is NO VODKA HERE and the dial-up connection is wearing on my threadbare patience.