Thursday, January 31, 2008

Wednesday, January 30, 2008


Or just a W.????? Pepita posted a photo of herself on MySpace laying/posing in bed covered in just a sheet from the chest down.

No, I'm not telling you how to get to it to view it. Pervs.

Games People Play

Don't Drop the Soap

I laughed just reading about this - and then I looked at the picture - the movers are a glock, a bag of coke, and "Anferny"

I HAVE to have this!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

You Can't Make This Up

Ok, so we waited and waited all this time for our little burg to finally get big enough to warrant a Long John Silver's. It has been open for a whopping couple of months and it has already been infiltrated by the rednecks.

Here is the conversation I overheard - it was like a trainwreck - you can't keep from paying attention to it.

Cell phone call after order was placed: Something APPARENTLY is under the house and Bubba is going to find out what it is - he will call back later with a report.

Report to table: Bubba heard something under the house.

Cell phone call while getting Malt Vinegar sauce and cokes: Bubba got the tin flashing off the bottom of the TRAILER house and is going underneath armed with a paintball gun to aid in his investigation.

Report to and response from table: We just put that siding up - he just tore up perfectly good underpenning!

Cell phone call right after food order was up: Bubba has shot a pregnant skunk under the trailer with a paintball gun, what do we do now?????

Ok, honest to goodness, I quit listening after this cuz I was afraid I would PEE MYSELF and get caught eavesdropping!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, January 26, 2008

And My Tiara Was Still On My Head

Woke up this morning with my tiara still on my head after I fell asleep/passed out last night at my big-a$$ 40th birthday bash at DrunkenFelix's house. That, my dear readers, is fate. I also made MULTIPLE drunk dials to every member of my family (except I forgot my MonsterInLaw but she said she would forgive me this year) AND Felix's dog (whose birthday is the day before mine so I called Felix's Gigolo and told him I needed to talk to the dog - he was very understanding). Felix is very happy cuz I puked. She's never been able to get me hung-over or sick before now --- see if you can follow the clues to figure out why.....

First of all, Friday was hilarious cuz of COURSE I got my classroom crepe-papered with black and over the hill signs and what-not. And - our principal made a big deal on the announcements to the point that the SpEd teacher asked me if I was mad - I told her no, it was probably paybacks for the year that I toilet papered his house on HIS birthday.

Felix took me home from school Friday night and we swung by the house to pick up the rum and vodka that MyPoolBoy got me. As we were standing in the front yard, smart boy puts the bottle of rum down his pants and tells me if I want it to go after it. The bottle slips down his pants leg and lodges itself on the top of his boot where he can't reach it... so he turns around and unzips his pants and reaches down into his pants and starts fishing around down in his pants leg for the outlaw bottle - just as a cop drives by. And so began the first of MANY laughs for the evening. We got to Felix's and immediately I changed into my black rhinestoned tank top and fuzzy stiletto heels and boa and tiara and sunglasses and cigar and leopard gloves. The chocolate martini drinking (mixed in El Presidente shakers pilfered from Chili's) commenced.

Anyhoo - it was a FABULOUS party - Felix outdid herself and the usual suspects were there, so the translation for Fabulous Party now becomes Debaucherous Drunken Spree, including BeerPong. My dear little friends will be receiving thank you cards with a link to this page because I honest to goodness am not sure who gave me what gift due to my slightly inebriated condition so I am going to post my appreciations and impressions here (I will put up photos later):

1) Candy necklace-type candy bra from DrunkenFelix. SOMEONE has a photo on their camera phone of me WEARING this sonuvabi+ch and you need to please delete it before it ends up on youtube or some shi+. And the sucker was too BIG around the strap BUT AT LEAST NOT THE CUP SIZE!!!!!!!!!!!!

2) Little bamboo plant from Felix's Mom - my beer pong partner. I was sober when I received this, so I have an actual recollection of getting THIS gift. So, thank you, Mom - I've actually kinda wanted one of these!

3) Bottle of HotSex - chocolate cream and DEATH LIQUOR - I think this was from D@mnGina - the first of many gifts that I felt obliged to drink or drink out of during the evening - a definite contribution to the aforementioned upchucking since I drank the whole bottle

4) Flamingo and shot glass from Bi+chslap's son - apparently he got this in Florida a year or so ago and has been SAVING IT FOR ME! Way to go Bi+chslap for raising Bi+chslap Jr. so well. Of course I felt obliged (again) to drink out of it so I had a shot of Cinnamon Schnapp's - cuz it was handy.

5) A few of the girls (FrenchTickler & TrailerTrash & DownUnder???) got me some stuff like a cigar and some little purse-sized baby rum bottles and chocolate espresso beans and a flamingo glass (that I obligingly drank a buttery nipple out of)

6) ok, I THINK that the Bailey's and the cute little purse came from 10-S so that is why I drank the buttery nipple - your FAULT, 10-S (tennis humor HAHAHAHAHAHHA)

7) now - who bought the Sex-O-Meter --- I needed to add a few levels with a pen like "Are you a twirler?" and "Are you a gymnast?" cuz it didn't go all the way to the top (MyPoolBoy would be so proud) AND I also added a LOWER level: "Poor *Gigolo*" cuz that is where DrunkenFelix's menopausal self made the thing go to.

8) Baloney - we realized THE NEXT MORNING that you got me the cutest little 40th birthday coloring book and a mug - thank you dear

9) Oh! Bi+chslap got me a new flamingo lawn - my first reaction: WOO HOO! Now I can get a double-wide!

10) Bi+chslap and Felix got me the same card with flamingos on the front - the same one that QueenB sent me. It had the flamingos and then said if you woke up and this was what you saw you would have to ask yourself questions like: Is this my yard, etc. Actually my first thought would be: Looks like we need to get Victor fixed.
Imagine - 3 of the same card - a WhiteTrash Hallmark Trifecta.

11) Ummmmm, there was a 40th birthday shot glass that I drank something out of.... anyone know what was in it? I brought the dayum thing home and washed it out but h3ll if I now what was in it. Good Lord.

I love you girls! I will never forget this - definitely my best party ever.

My best gift, though?????

MyPoolBoy got me tickets to RICK SPRINGFIELD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (not enough napkins in the world to wipe up all the drool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) That is why I love him more than all of you. He knows that I will have carnal relations with Rick after the concert... I will just use HIS body.

Friday, January 18, 2008


My dog is attempting to hump the cat.

They're both females.

And I made fun of Felix's dogs....

Hairy Situation

Ok, if you are ooged out by semi-intimate stuff then stop reading now. However, if you are one of my 3-d friends or one of my sons or one of the warped college students that my sons tell me read this blog, then you'll probably be fine cuz you are used to me by now.

Here's what happened:
I made a potty run at school today and after doing my requisite thigh-building squat-over-the seat maneuver, I turned to flush and noticed a suspicious-looking hair on the seat. Not knowing if it was mine or not - you know, those kinds of hairs DO all look the same - I decided it would be rude of me to leave it there for the next person to find. I figured if I left and someone was outside the door waiting to be the next one in, they would ASSUME it was mine and think I was really gross and inconsiderate. So. I postponed flushing for a bit and bent down a little and blew on it to try to dislodge it from its porcelain perch. It didn't work. I tried again, blowing a little harder, and got one puff out before I realized the idiocy of the situation. So I discarded the blowing technique and opted for a more hands-on approach. NO, I DID NOT TOUCH IT. GAWD! But I collected my thoughts and procured a bit of toilet paper and dangled it precariously next to the hair. Then I attempted to gently sweep the hair into the water below with a dangling square of toilet paper. No go. Once more I swept across the seat and tried to get the hair to budge. It was like it was super-glued onto the dayum seat! Finally, the thought hit me that I needed to just get on with things and flush and get out of there before whoever MIGHT be outside the door started thinking that I was doing more than just peeing.
So, finally I just scrunched up some more t.p., pushed the sumbi+ch stubborn hair off into its watery doom and slapped down on the handle and finally got the flush over with.

Then I washed my hands really good with the anti-bacterial soap, stifled my laughter at the ridiculousness of the situation, regained my composure, and resolved to be sure to blog as soon as I got home today.

So there you are. Come on, now. Shut up. What would you have done??????

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Crazy, Man!

Paula, RUN and get a restraining order!
"If I was Columbo I would Peter Falk - her" BWAHAHAHAAHA!
Straight up BatShi+ crazy.

She Bop

Ok, so on Oprah today this MentalPause doctor instructed the studio audience learn to "self-cultivate" their smiles for their "lower heart"

I keep hearing Cyndi Lauper over and over in my head!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Better Off Dead?

$4025 BUCKS!!!!!!!!! Just have to donate my body to science!


However, as a blind, alcoholic, albino, parapalegic bald obese dwarf on lithium with no appendix and elephantitis I am worth $7170.

Edited to add: Felix said I should try to get my $4000 NOW - ya know, like a credit card advance....

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Some Advice

Before you go pointing fingers, make sure that you have washed your hands with an antibacterial soap and rinsed thoroughly.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Why I Teach 3rd Grade

I figured out this morning - I don't want to deal with preschool who whine and cry and don't share.

I refuse to teach middle school because it is just preschool with hormones.

High school is middle schoolers with drivers' licenses.