Sunday, August 30, 2009


Well. This is a long post, but very enlightening. The day started normally enough. I went to breakfast as usual for a Saturday at the bakery with MyPoolBoy. Then I drank FOUR cups of coffee. I guess I was trying to fill the void I felt from lack of studying with some caffeine. See, I had to go take the ESL teacher certification test yesterday and let's just say it did not go well. I started off jittery (could it possibly have been from all that java?) and, as I later discovered, PMSing. So by the time we drove to the BigCity and spent 30 minutes looking for the place, MyPoolBoy yelling at me because we were lost, I was not in a testing mood. Ran in to find what room I was supposed to be in and then dashed like mad for the nearest bathroom, as my bladder and kidneys were sufficiently caffeinated for a rhinoceros. Came out and reported to MyPoolBoy (who I was still mad at for yelling at me right before a test) that my urine smelled like coffee and frustration.

Went and took the test in a room whose air conditioning unit was sucking all the electricity in the western hemisphere because it ran CONSTANTLY and must have been set on about 35 degrees. DownUnder was there -- she was nervous -- said that she was just considering it her "trial run." 9 questions into the test, I found crap that I had never heard of before. Confidence levels, already shot from being yelled at, went to an all-time low by question 21 when I discovered more shi+ that was not covered in the training academy. Question 26 was something we were told we didn't have to worry about, this was ESL, not bilingual, blah blah blah --- guess they were wrong. I was ok with it, but I was expecting to see DownUnder have an episode that would get her removed from the facility and cause her test scores to be voided without refund.

In all, I counted 7 questions that were not covered in the training or in the training materials/manual. I knew 4 of them just because I know some Spanish and I teach Language Arts. But I was pissed off. And I was freezing. I had taken a sweater, but I was STILL LITERALLY SHIVERING, sitting cross-legged with my feet tucked up under my legs to keep my toes from getting frostbite.

Finished 70 questions in less than 90 minutes. Changed about 25 answers 3 times. Left feeling less confident than I ever have about a test. Wow. Mediocrity sucks.

Met MyPoolBoy at the truck and instructed him that I needed alcohol -- STAT! Went to an Olive Garden and began by ordering a glass of chianti and stuffed mushrooms. Then I figured it would be a good idea to text some of the Lucilles and my new teaching partner, Duckit (there is a whole story here that I will have to explain later). Here's what I discovered on my phone this morning:

(5:33 pm - Me) Done with esl test. Exam was administered in a meat locker. Core body temp fell to nearly debilitating low. Will continue in next text. (first glass of chianti was gone at this point)
(5:38 pm - Duckit) 2 bad u didn't freeze nto a popsicle stick we could make a documentary about the trials & tribulations of exemplary teachrs (there's a story with the popsicle stick, too -- lord I'm behind on blogging!)
(5:41 pm - Me) Pt. 2 - fat bi+ch administering exam did not care that i had frostbite. 10 --wtf there's no percent sign-- of the stuff we did not cover in training.
(5:45 pm - Duckit) Probably field ?s no worries if i passd so shall u grab a coffee on your way home 2 thaw out (here she is still sweetly and naively responding to each of my texts, silly girl! I laughed at the coffee suggestion - partly because I was NOT drinking coffee, and also because I was just starting to get my urinary tract to end its quest to visit every restroom on the east side of the BigCity)
(5:50 pm - Me) Pt. 3 - i'm screwed. Glass #2 of chianti has arrived at my table. Im warmer and i don't give a shi+. Oh well All i get are psycho students, not esl anyway (punctuation and capitalization rules are clearly beyond my grasp by glass #2)
(6:07 pm - Me) Pt. 4 - if i get arrested at olive garden 4 public intox i can just sit it out cuz i have 49.5 days of state leave. TeachingPartner, ur blog name is gonna b Duckit! (I now have lapsed into full-blown middle school cheerleader texting mode)
(6:10 pm - Bi+chslap) Im sure u/it will b fine enjoy wine & food & as da mob would say foget about it
(6:13 pm - Me) Pt. 5 - (the second glass of chianti is gone) MyPoolBoy won't carry me out of olive garden - Duckit, rustill in the BigCity to come get me? (notice I have now added lack of spacing to my phone text error repertoire)
(then we went across the street so MyPoolBoy could shop for tools and I found a thrift store!)
(6:17 pm - Me) Am now ddrunk shopping at a thrift store. This shi+ is not in dress code. Felix the bra sniffer guy is not here today (note the double d in drunk -- loss of keystroke control!)
(6:18 pm - Duckit) I thought of alcohol it would warm u up but im not one 2 push people towards drnkng please dont get arrestd...
(6:19 pm - Me) this was a picture mail, inspired by a Crayola Crayon maker. I had decided that my friends needed to see the first thing I saw that was interesting to my drunken self. The message read: Pt. 7? Who wants it?
(6:21 pm - Felix) What is it and how much
(6:23 pm - Baloney) What the heck is it WTP you are my saturday night entertainment its this or watch the little league world series
(6:24 pm - Me) Crayola maker 5 bucks
(6:24 pm - Felix) Buy it
(6:25 pm - Me) no message, just a photo of the infamous sniffed black bras
(6:25 pm - Felix) no
(6:25 pm - Duckit) I vote u buy it we r actually home but heading 2 school now would be a good time 2 leave a Packmule Trail (omg I have to explain THIS one too!) u can always blame it on the alcohol
(6:36 pm - Me) another picture mail - this was where I went all Vogue on them and began a fashion shoot in the dressing room stall. I was wearing leopard print pants, a brown camisole with FUR around the bustline, a white fur hat, and leopard print platform heel shoes that I couldn't get in the shot. Duckit later told me that she thought I was in the men's restroom!
(6:37 pm - Felix) omg
(6:38 pm - Bi+chslap) what the h3ll is on ur head
(6:38 pm - Me) picture of the shoes
(6:39 pm - Felix) double omg
(6:43 pm - Me) I probably now have lice from putting that hat on but who cares? I have 49.5 state days
(7:09 pm - Duckit) U look cougarlicious

Cougarlicious. I love her.


Anonymous said...

No more big city for you. Sounds like you came very close or is it clothes to changing your profession

Anonymous said...

great piece of advice I took to heart a few decades ago: never buy clothes while PMSing - you could end up looking cougarlicious! Love the drunk texting - too funny!!