Saturday, April 12, 2008

Squirrel Shots and Buttery Nipples

Last night at least gave me something to blog about. And I am not referring to what we drank. Let's just start things off with a photo that Felix snapped on her camera phone.

1) That is a BRA.
2) In a TREE. (on upper branch, right in the middle under the skinnier limb)
3) It is NOT MINE.

Part I: The Squirrel Shot - A new waitress was working our table on the patio- overwhelming at the least if a herd of tired, inebriated teachers are at one of your tables when it is your first night on a new job. Especially overwhelming if the tired, inebriated teachers are Lucilles.

So. MsWaitress is completely not getting our orders straight, mostly because, it turns out, she has not written them all on our tickets. She sits down in the chair next to mine and spreads the tickets onto the table like tarot cards. Let's see - *the faeries say today that thou shouldst not be a waitress*.

Well Felix's high school friend (I really think I must start calling her PreFriend - she is a friend that Felix had previous to me) is sitting across the table. Felix is in the chair next to MsWaitress at the end of the table where the "reading" is taking place. As Felix patiently (patience is the skill that Felix has gained from being friends with me!) tries to help her sort out the tickets, PreFriend looks up and notices that MsWaitress is sitting in her chair in a most unladylike manner. To add to PreFriends viewing pleasure, MsWaitress has on a short skirt. And as if THAT weren't enough, MsWaitress was also not wearing any undies!!!!!!!!!!! PreFriend gets Felix's attention and gets her to look down at MsWaitress's lap - and Felix pretty much gags and laughs herself to death. Laughter that included snorting. Clueless, MsWaitress goes in to settle all the tickets and ring everyone (except us) out. She emerges moments later and informs us that they (the boss/manager/whatever???) have told her that she is done for the night. No way. I can't imagine. So she sits down and has a drink with us. WTH????

Part II: The Buttery Nipples - After MsWaitress left, some other regulars sit down at the table next to ours and have a birthday party for one of their friends. Felix and I are driving them crazy to open the gift that is so beautifully wrapped and displayed upon the table. We cajole them into shaking it, peeking under the wrapping paper, everything - until she finally opened it. And it was a stuffed purple monkey that had velcro hands so you could hang it onto stuff - and it had a button to push that made it scream and screech. It was highly anti-climatic because Felix owns about 4 of them - like a BaskinRobbins of screaming velcro monkeys.
Anyhoo, the subject of buttery nipples came up and BigBoy over at the birthday table hollers into the little window to the kitchen to the cook to bring him some butter. The cook comes out - BigBoy opens his shirt - and I would like to say that you can imagine what happened next - and it did, but uuuuuuugggggghhhhh! Full body shiver...

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