Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Ten Kinds of Freakshow in One CraigsList Post

My comments are bold italics - couldn't resist

Very Complicated Request, Please Kindly Read!!! - m4mw - 35
Reply to:
Date: 2005-02-08, 8:53PM PST

If you are groggy or stoned please do not read this, (if you are not groggy or stoned, get that way quick, cuz you need to be in order to wrap your brain around this weirdness)
I need your complete and sober attention, for my request is uniquely detailed ("uniquely detailed" - read: insane).
I am a man, 35, white, black hair with brown eyes. Okay, first what I am looking for is a woman primary, but secondary it could be a woman and her man, but the man will have to remain behind the black curtain and only watch through the cut out eyeholes. (freakshow #1)
The black curtain is inside the apartment that I reside in. This apartment is a fashionable studio in the hot part of town (no a/c),
and all my neighbors are graphic artists (gang taggers).
So now please kindly listen to my request: what I require foremost in a woman with bushy eyebrows (freakshow #2).
And they must be TWO eyebrows, because one eyebrow is an abonination against Gaia (what? YOU are being picky about unibrowed women??? THAT's your dealbreaker???).
What I want is for the woman to become naked and pose herself before me (don't all men?).
I have a carpeted pedestal (old shag ottoman that homeskillet fished from the dumpster)
so her feet will not grow cold (how thoughtful of you).
I will present her with a very well preserved Mesopotamian bowl.(freakshow #3)
She will hold it and she must be careful not to drop it as it has to be back at the museum by 8am tomorrow (I am a worker there) (I bet you aren't now).
Next I will hand her tweezers.(freakshow #4)
Then she will pluck her eyebrows until her forehead is vacant. (like your skull/ freakshow #5)
The eyebrows will drift into the bowl and then I will take the bowl from her and go to my kitchenette. (freakshow #6)
I will then toss a salad into the bowl and mix the eyebrows in it. (freakshow #7)
The woman can decide the dressing, but I have only vinegrette and thousand island. (hmmmm. decisions, decisions - what kind of dressing DOES one put upon eyebrow salad, and will there be a soup course as well?)
Next I will re-present the bowl to the woman, along with a utensil, (probably a spork that you lifted from KFC)
and she will then consume the salad while I watch. I may masturbate during this part of the exercise. (freakshow #8)
However, if there is a man behind the black curtain he may not masturbate, and I will know if does because I will hear him. (what? do you have superhuman hearing now like the Bionic Woman?)
However, he is allowed to fantasize, and then he write an essay on his fantasies before I release him. (freakshow #9 - this is akin to the TAKS or SAT writing portion of the freakshow)
After the woman is finished with her salad, I will present her with a Qing dynasty teapot box, which she will open and deficate in. (I hope you're not grading the essay cuz you spelled defecate wrong - freakshow #10)
She must be careful with the box as well as it is also from the mueseum (again with the museum - go to the dollar store and buy your ancient teapot boxes and you won't have to worry about your job security)
and it must be returned or there will be trouble. (with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for POO!)
When she is finished she will return it to me, and I then I will bid her good-evening. That is all. Please send a photo, eyebrows only. I WILL NOT respond to any photos that include anything but eyebrows.

Please, serious inquiries ONLY. THIS IS NOT JOKE. So do not make funny replies to it. I have no patience for impertinence. Good day.

I'd also like to know who is going to wash that friggin' teapot box before it goes back to the museum?

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