Half Wit

One of the BannedCampers just posted that a Facebook friend of hers from high school was spouting off about her brilliant 3-year-old that the preschool is telling her is "pre-reading," and that the ditz wondered if the child was so gifted because she is half Korean.

After having a good laugh about what "pre-reading" is (recognizing the golden arches and assigning meaning to that letter as McDonald's, or the "Happy Meal Place") everyone launched into an assault on the chick's racial profiling of her own offspring.

Upon further determination that some of us (like me) have wonderful unlikely crossbred/inbred bloodlines such as Irish, German, and Comanche (shot of whiskey, chase it with beer, get uncivilized) -- one of the ladies told the original poster to tell the ditz that studies show Korean kids will peak early like that but level off after 3rd grade or so, and the to tell her that since the kid is only half-Korean perhaps she had a shot at making it all the way to middle school before tanking completely... with a reminder about Long Dong Whatshisname from Sixteen Candles.

To satiate my search for another fabulous comeback, I googled Half-Korean.

The first result was porn.

Go Cougars!

On top of the fact that I was planning on making a t-shirt for the coast that said Go Cougars on it, I found this little gem of a game on a BannedCamper's blog: Cougar Bingo

The photos are priceless and her story about throwing up in front of the teeny boppers is HILARIOUS.

Unholy Smell Part 2: Cougars on Parade!

More from the Bobsled

The storyline makes the video a little long but the song is hilarious! At first I felt a little bad for laughing - but then I remembered that I am going to h3ll on a bobsled ANYWAY.

Child Abuse

Lisa Bonet has named her child Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. The father is Hawaiian or something so part of the name is his middle name and that part of the name means strong warrior or some BS.

But you really should see BannedCamp having a field day with it. The website that they found the report on stated that it sounded more like a voodoo curse that some old woman chanted while she stuck pins in a doll. But one of the gals just imparted wisdom upon me that will stick: that the guy is 12 years younger than Lisa Bonet and she definitely "cougared UP"

Cougared up - this I can use

Christmas Shoes Blog

A BannedCamper posted the link to this blog for us to read. Now there's more coffee on my laptop screen. Frikkin' BannedCamp needs to come with disclaimers for shi+ that is this funny -

Warning: May cause involuntary spewing of beverages onto computer monitor. Do not read if you have bladder control issues or are otherwise incontinent as laughing until you pee has occurred in some readers.

You MUST go here:

http://mikekenny.blogspot.com/2006/12/worst-christmas-song-ever.html


Swallow whatever you are drinking. Put on your Depends. Grab a hanky cuz you will be crying - from the laughter. Now go read it.

Alas...

I have exactly NOT MUCH to blog about lately. MyPoolBoy and I have been out a few times and I have been inebriated to the point of hilarity, yet I either cannot remember what was so funny the night before to blog about it, or upon retrieving my state of sobriety the next a.m., I find that it really wasn't that funny anyway. (Except one of Thunderduck's friends from high school told me that he couldn't call me mom when I was standing across from him looking hot - the poor child must've remembered it the next week, cuz at poker he did not say 2 words to me and wouldn't look me in the face - MyPoolBoy and I were laughing pretty bad at that one!)

Banned Camp has been a little slow this week (with the exception of the PrisonBoard postings - "if you can't spell conjugal visit, you can't have one" and the chick whose Boo sent her his underwear from Death Row.

I can't even find anything good on YouTube because I am at least a LITTLE bit selective in my entertainment choices, and I do not consider breakdancing videos to be worthy of my viewing - fishing through the VideosBeingWatched and FeaturedVideos isn't turning up anything good, even.

Except this:


Points to consider:
A) obviously in a trailer
B) pole not secured correctly (probably had duct tape involved)
C) wearing the required wife-beater uniform
D) can't tell if she flips them the bird at the end or has up 2 fingers (as if she is counting herself out)
E) not me

You Think YOUR Life is Crappy?

This is a big ol' box of effed up

Fox News: Woman in Bathroom for TWO YEARS

The officer's name is WHIPPLE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Banned Camp is all a-buzz:
"Where did the boyfriend go potty?"
"What did he say when people asked how his girlfriend was?"
"Did she have anything to read in there?"
"That took commitment"
and the best one -
"A tightrope walker is crossing between two high rise buildings in New York and five hundred miles away a guy is getting a blowjob from a woman stuck on a toilet seat for two year, BUT they're thinking the EXACT SAME THING........... don't look down."

Ok - so I thought this out too much cuz I want to know why she stayed there ALL the time - did he never go anywhere either?

Did this start as a race to the can and he was NOT going to get to use his own toilet as long as she could help it? Was it a battle of wills? (certainly not one of wits)

I can only surmise that he had to have NO job and she couldn't get up without him getting back in there.

Otherwise, I would get up as soon as he left for work and then run back in there when I heard the truck pull up in the drive...

She did this ALL wrong...

Some B C witticisms

Banned Camp has been a great source of entertainment for me since we have been home-bound:
My favorite -
"TACT IS FOR PEOPLE NOT WITTY ENOUGH TO BE SARCASTIC."

"I'll have a mocha-vodka-valium-latte to go, please!"

"F**k with me and you f**k with the whole trailer park!"

White Whine: "Wheeeeeere did all these minorities cooooooome froooooom? I just can't taaaaaaaaan. Why can't I daaaaaaaaaaaance?"

"That doesn't mean you have to act like a crap-throwing swamp monkey"

"My theory is if you're not livin' on the edge you're takin' up too much space."

Federal/State Prison (not just jail) is PoundMeInTheA$$ Prison

"I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I wasn't under such heavy sedation."

"Don't make me go all Sophia Petrillo on you"

"9 out of 10 of the voices in my head say pull the trigger."

"Why run when you can run amok?"

"Why kill people with kindness when you could just use an ax?"

"Who needs a lawyer when you have matches?"

And the idea that if a member of your clique gets pregnant you MUST celebrate - you have a designated driver for the next 9 months!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I really should not laugh at this. It is cruel... BWAHAHAHAHAHAA! That is EXACTLY why it is funny:

Places I've Peed

I just responded to this thread over on BannedCamp. I thought that it bore repeating here:

I have peed on the field at Permian High School (yes, the Friday Night Lights school). I was out drunk with the rest of the gymnastics team (we went to the cross-town rival school) one night and we felt it needed to be done.

I've also attempted to pee on a fire hydrant, but it required a clothing change later.

Dear mother of sweet little 8 pound baby Jesus laying in the manger

I'm plowed. I have been drinking some of them thar almond joy martinis - 3 to be exact. I've been on an online drink mixing site looking up random words searching for drinks to make --- I amuse myself way too dayum easily.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Banned camper quote: "Whoops, I totally forgot to lose 30 pounds!"

MyPoolBoy asked me to help him answer a question about his Travel and Tourism class: "What are the forces that affect the rail travel system in the US" My response was gravity cuz it holds the train on the tracks. He does not appreciate me at all.

Watchin WickerMan - weird movie....

I also need a life....

Movie quotes going on at Banned Camp. My fave is in Heathers when Veronica says about her friends: "It's just like - they're people I work with, and our job is being popular and shit!"

Oh, and "But why's the rum gone?"

Friday Night Blues

Sittin' at home on the first Friday that I haven't been sick in weeks! No vodka - no princesses - no R-Bar. Heaven help me.

MyPoolBoy bought me a pair of opera-length leopard print gloves to wear with my WTP kit - but lawrd they are so cheesy. Only a man!

Felix has plans to go to Houston to visit her brother, so she is off like a cheap prom dress.

BagLady had MrRightNow's kids in her room after school, so I am assuming that SHE has plans that don't include me, for sure!

MyPoolBoy is in the press box of the girls' soccer game, and I am here with Lurch and Chunk and the menagerie of worthless animals that we own. Been reading BannedCamp a little ("drunk makes you kiss sometimes") and thinking about doing a little school stuff. I made some new math bulletin board things to go with Mountain Math so that it fits the TEKS better, and then I'll probably order the Question of the Day stuff next year to go with it - it should be very comprehensive. My other thing is to get this 6 weeks' curriculum chart done and get lesson plans for next week hammered out - cuz I need to get some stuff on the walls for Public School Week! Then I figure over spring break I will work on the bulletin board science stuff that I want to create. Felix is going to order one that just posts vocabulary and then gives the kids a worksheet with one question per day. I like the idea of having them write in science, but for $75 I would like to have more than some worksheets and a word wall for cripes' sake.

Please let MyPoolBoy get through early enough to go buy me something upon which to imbibe!

Sock Monkey Porn

I simply can NOT make this shi+ up! Another BannedCamper find:
InsaneDomain

Another Random Thought from Banned Camp

When animals fart do you think they really know what is going on and just act like they are confused to try to cover their embarrassment?

Good Grief! I need to go to bed and get some sleep!

Storage

Ok, so I guess this blog is turning into storage for all the insane stuff I find written on message boards.


Getting old is so hard at times.

Yesterday I got Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip.

NOW, I talk like an a$$hole .. . but my gums don't itch!

Here's another:
This is a den of iniquity ... and I am the Den Mother!

Fat. Again. Seriously.

Back up to the starting weight! - I knew this would happen. Gonna get back on the slimfast routine like I did 5 years ago and exercise WILL happen. I'm miserable.

Ok, now here are some signature quotes that I found over on Banned Camp that completely cracked me up.

It's not rocket surgery.

Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have.

Men date thin girls because they're too weak to argue and salads are cheap.

If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

Inside me lies a skinny woman crying to get out - but I can usually shut her up with cookies.

You know, sometimes I get the urge to just jump up and run around naked, but then I just drink some Windex.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

It's not the drinking, but the getting naked and passing out that gets you in trouble.

Play like your couch is on fire.

Men are like linoleum floors - lay one right and you can walk all over it for years.

I want it all - and I want it delivered by cute naked men!

Oh - and I think I am going to go back and change all my references to RalphKramden to hereby be MyPoolBoy. I've softened a little since he and I had a big knock-down drag-out a couple of days ago.

And btw I cut my hair right before New Year's and it is so much easier. I left the bangs long and cut it to about that same length. And on New Year's Eve I discovered it was "party hair" meaning that I can flip it around dancing or being my typical drunk WTP self and just run my fingers through it and come up with the same style again! Also treated myself to some new makeup and tossed some old stuff that wasn't quite right - simplify simplify simplify.

Still need to put up Christmas decorations before I go back to work tomorrow (ugh).

So this one time at Banned Camp...

So, I've been spending a LOT of time over on this message board of Ex-Taters (gang that was apparently kicked off of the SPQ MBOL some time back). Anyhoo -- they are cracking my A$$ up on a minute-by-minute basis and I am addicted and I have decided to win the lottery and never go to work again because of the $hi+ they say on there!

One quote that I love in the signatures is something to the effect of "some people are like slinkies: they are pretty worthless, but they are good for a laugh if you push them down a flight of stairs!"

LMAO